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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to not drink alcohol during the week?

115 replies

Jules198 · 07/09/2022 12:56

How much do you drink / days you drink?
i barely drink, probably once a year or so. It doesnt bother me. Im getting annoyed by partner constantly having a drink of alcohol in his hand when hes at home. Am i right to be annoyed or should i let it go?

background to this is- he drinks pretty much daily, sometimes will go mon- weds no drinking. Would drink around 4 cans a day mon - weds, then 4 cans plus 2 pub pints thurs and fri. Saturday & Sundays he drinks from around 130pm to 10/11pm beer and wine. He holds down a job during the week day. Hes overweight, unfit and approaching 50. No health issues so far.

im annoyed he is not available for parenting and i end up doing the majority. Im fed up quite frankly. When i try to have a conversation about it, he doesnt listen and gets defensive. Last night i left to go to a class. He didnt have alcohol in. I got home, no empty cans on the side. Great i thought, but then i brushed past him and could smell it. I put my youngest to bed and she told me daddy had gone to the shop across the road and bought 6 cans. I asked how she knew it was 6 and not 4 but she said, i counted 3 on one side. How do i tackle this. I know Its not good for kids to see and be around and horrible for me and him as were drifting apart, not sure i want to get it back, sadly, as i feel he takes up too much head space with all this lieing/drinking/sneaking.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 07/09/2022 13:10

It’s up to him how much he drinks & I wouldn’t want someone telling me to drink/eat less.

the only time it would be an issue for me would be if he was aggressive/argumentative after drinking.

nutellachurro · 07/09/2022 13:13

YANBU

When having kids DH and I were very clear with each other we didn't want them growing up seeing us drinking, or to normalise drinking for them.

It's definitely unreasonable for him to be so sloshed he can't help with parenting his own children during the week.

Id absolutely expect him to stop in your shoes and be prepared to leave if he refused or couldn't step up for his wife and children

PileofLogs · 07/09/2022 13:14

So:

M- 4 cans
T- 4 cans
W- 4 cans
T- 4 cans, 2 pints
F- 4 cans, 2 pints
S- 9 hours straight drinking wine and beer
S- 9 hours straight drinking wine and beer

That's absolutely masses and I'd suggest the issue is more serious than whether he's drinking in the week. Sounds like an alcoholic, especially given the lying.

DenholmElliot1 · 07/09/2022 13:15

It wouldn't bother me and I don't drink either.

The only time I'd expect him not to drink was when he had sole care of the kids - obviously he shouldn't be drinking then.

Badger1970 · 07/09/2022 13:15

If he's lying about drinking, and not pulling his weight in the family then it's an issue. Have you counted up his weekly unit intake?

However, you need to firmly protect yourself and your DC here from the impact. I'd strongly recommend an Al-Anon meeting so that you're the one getting support and can openly talk.

PurpleDaisies · 07/09/2022 13:17

It sounds like he’s got a problem with unhealthy levels of alcohol consumption.

There are some red flags in your post. Have you considered that he could have issues with drinking?

al anon could be a place for support and advice.

justaladyLOL · 07/09/2022 13:20

He like a few beers
Yes you are being unreasonable

nutellachurro · 07/09/2022 13:20

DenholmElliot1 · 07/09/2022 13:15

It wouldn't bother me and I don't drink either.

The only time I'd expect him not to drink was when he had sole care of the kids - obviously he shouldn't be drinking then.

It wouldn't bother you if your husband was regularly drinking to excess?

CarmenBizet · 07/09/2022 13:23

The amount you've described plus the frequency sounds like a major problem. I wouldn't be surprised if he's dependent either physically or psychologically at this point.

I'm certainly not against drinking and have done my fair share of it in the past but since becoming a parent I probably drink maybe a glass or two two or three times per year and that's plenty. It's just miserable otherwise parenting and getting up early with a hangover! And it's not a good example to set your kids either if they see that you can't get through a normal day without imbibing alcohol. DH drinks less than me. I honestly couldn't be with or live with someone who drank like your DH does. It's so offputting in so many ways.

CarmenBizet · 07/09/2022 13:24

justaladyLOL · 07/09/2022 13:20

He like a few beers
Yes you are being unreasonable

24 cans or pints from Monday to Friday, and then drinking both weekend days is more than 'likes a few beers'.

Not to mention that 'he/she likes a drink' is always a euphemism for raging alcoholic.

alloutofcareunits · 07/09/2022 13:25

I'm really surprised how many people are saying this wouldn't bother them! OP is doing most of the child care because he's drinking, the kids are commenting on it, not to mention how much it's costing to drink that much, presumably from the family budget? I'd be asking he massively reduced this or I'd leave. I grew up with a parent who drank less than this and it still impacted on our lives. I've done miserable memories, in my opinion he has a problem with alcohol

alloutofcareunits · 07/09/2022 13:27

*some

AliceW89 · 07/09/2022 13:28

Wow, from the title I thought you meant he was having a single glass of wine or a beer a night. That’s not something I do, but I know a lot of people do drink something everyday and it’s considered pretty normal. But he is drinking way, way over what could ever be considered a safe amount of alcohol. Have you considered he fits the criteria for being an alcoholic? I’m sorry you are in this situation - I’m not really sure what you can do if he can’t see this is a problem.

DenholmElliot1 · 07/09/2022 13:31

nutellachurro · 07/09/2022 13:20

It wouldn't bother you if your husband was regularly drinking to excess?

Show quote history

No it wouldn't. But I've got a food addiction and am overweight so i'm not really in a position to judge my dh's potential alcohol excess.

MsSquiz · 07/09/2022 13:37

@DenholmElliot1 a food addiction just isn't the same as an alcohol or drug addiction though.
Food addiction doesn't impair your ability to be responsible for a child or drive, for example

Floomobal · 07/09/2022 13:40

I think your AIBU should be

AIBU to not enjoy being married to an alcoholic

He is drinking too much, and he is secretly drinking and lying about it. You’ve got bigger problems than which day of the week it’s happening on

Yerroblemom1923 · 07/09/2022 13:40

Do you think it's because you rarely drink, OP, that you're conscious of it? Myself and my partner regularly drink in the evenings eg glass of wine while cooking dinner etc so neither of us would think to notice exactly how much one was/ wasn't drinking, however we're not drunk as have kids to tend to etc. Is your dh ever visibly drunk? Just wondering,if it IS an issue, whether he's hiding his drinking from you and there's more to it..? Bit concerned that you're voicing your concerns to your dd though. I think I'd keep the kis out of it wherever possible.

Yerroblemom1923 · 07/09/2022 13:41

Kids

balalake · 07/09/2022 13:42

Does he drive at all? He should not be.

Vinylloving · 07/09/2022 13:42

Plus he left the kids at home to go and buy booze? Definitely a problem. I think you have a right to object to him so blatantly damaging his health, as a parent and husband

SallyWD · 07/09/2022 13:46

I'm surprised at the people saying it wouldn't bother them. That's a ridiculous amount of alcohol. It sounds like he's an alcoholic and is drinking himself to an early death. I lived with an alcoholic for many years. They were the worst years of my life.

TeaKlaxon · 07/09/2022 13:49

Was expecting to say YABU because from the thread title I was expecting you to be objecting to have one to two drinks on a weekday evening. That would be unreasonable.

Four seems like a lot if its every weekday. Four plus two pints in the pub definitely seems like a lot but wouldn't be such an issue if it was just once a week.

Drinking from early afternoon until late evening on two days is massive overkill.

I would say there is no way someone can be an effective parent or partner drinking that much, so you are not being unreasonable to object. But I think you should focus less on the weekday/weekend distinction and look at the broader pattern of drinking (the Saturday/Sunday drinking all day would bother me much more).

user1496146479 · 07/09/2022 13:56

DenholmElliot1 · 07/09/2022 13:15

It wouldn't bother me and I don't drink either.

The only time I'd expect him not to drink was when he had sole care of the kids - obviously he shouldn't be drinking then.

Not the point of this thread, but are you implying that single parents should never have a drink??

SavingsThreads · 07/09/2022 13:58

Did he leave your young children home alone to go to the shop?

Snowpaw · 07/09/2022 14:00

Its the leaving kids at home to buy booze that rings alarm bells for me. And also I think that if one of you loves a drink and one of you doesn't care for it then its a basic lifestyle imbalance that is bound to cause friction in a relationship. It must be hard to watch someone drink themselves into the inevitable health problems that his high intake will cause.