Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

Hello everyone, welcome to the newer people on the thread. So sorry you're all going through the pain of an alcoholic loved one too.

@fruitstick how are you doing? Have you thought about contacting the bereavement charity that @pointythings mentioned? Or Smart Recovery/ AlAnon?

I heard from my ex for first time in months this morning, just a brief text from a different number saying his phone had been broken and asking how me and the dog were. After no response to my emails about selling the house etc. Of course he now hasn't replied to my attempt at a calm response saying I've been worried about the house, dog is fine, how is he, has he seen my emails. Gah.

The feeling of dread/pain when I heard from him was such a shock. I really don't miss that feeling and can't wait to move/cut ties and not have to hear from him again.

My other news is I've met someone for a few dates who is lovely and I have lots in common with, and told him briefly about being separated and ex being an alcoholic. He seemed very understanding but I'm still worried my ex is going to continue his power to destroy my happiness. I'm determined not to let him though! The effects are so painful and difficult to shift, aren't they?

Yes. This morning I'm feeling worthless as one pint meant me to him than me and trying to save our relationship. He'd offered to not go to the pub after work, then the next day he was there. 'It was only pint' should be engraved on his gravestone. He kept trying to justify it, but that was the last straw. It makes me feel really shit to know he chose a beer over me.

I think every single one of us on this thread have felt this to some degree at some point

I think ultimately all alcoholics choose drink over everything else. It's the nature of the beast. My late husband once said he was too tired to go to the beach with me and DDs whilst on holiday in 2014 and when we came back he had drunk 3 bottles of wine, then was surprised when I pointed out that wasn't OK.

Hello, I posted a week or two ago about my ex and I.

I'm still struggling with understanding him/the situation/myself and am sort of tying myself up in knots so thought I'd post.

He wants to move back in. I think he's realised that living in the back of his van isn't as fun when it's raining and cold, which is how it's mostly been this week.

We had arranged that he would move back in on Monday (26th) but it never happened because nothing really got arranged - we'd both been ill all week which didn't help but I felt I needed a full and frank discussion regarding his expectations of how much he would be drinking if he came back.

For context, I grew up in a fairly teetotal household with my mum only having a glass of baby champagne at Christmas and nothing more, he has Italian parents who apparently let him and his siblings have a glass of watered down red wine on a Sunday with dinner from quite a young age, had a 'pub culture' social life as a teenager then worked in the music industry from 24-34 as a bodyguard, so drugs and drinking were heavily used then, too.

So because we are on such different sides of the spectrum with drinking, we find it hard to agree on what is an acceptable amount to drink each week.

Anyway. On Weds I thought he was coming round to my way of thinking, as he suddenly said he's sick of being in the van, he wants to be here, he had got to the point the previous night where he opened a bottle of wine, still tasting yesterday's stale alcohol in his mouth and just didn't fancy it. Although, he didn't drink it in the end, it just wasn't as enjoyable.
He told me he would spend the rest of the week cutting down on drink and get from his usual 2 bottles of red wine and a couple of bottles of beer, down to having a couple of alcohol free nights before he considered moving back in, in his words he wanted to make sure he could do it without needing extra help. "If it gets to the point where I've had no alcohol one day and I start feeling like I need a drink, I'll know I need to tell you I have to do this a different way and see the gp or something" where his exact words.

Sounded promising to me.

So we just got on for a few days. He would come to mine after work and we'd spend a few hours together, it was all fine.

Then yesterday afternoon I happened to ask what his plan for the next few days were. At this point, he'd told me he had drunk a bottle of wine and 2 beers on weds and just 3 beers on Thurs, so it sounded like he had been cutting down gradually like he said he would.

He then said that his plan for the next couple of days would be to drink 'just' one bottle of wine each day. I panicked, as a bottle of wine seems an upwards jump from 3 beers to me, but he disagreed.

We got into a bit of a tense discussion, with me asking how he could think that drinking a bottle of wine tonight, one Saturday and one on Sunday then moving in and not drinking at all until the weekend (which had been the plan), could work. He said that as long as he was drink free by Monday, what did it matter?

That's how the discussion ended.
He went home, didn't contact me at all and ignored the few messages I sent asking him to speak to me. At 6.30 last night he answered my phone call and over the course of the conversation, refused to turn his phone to videocall (at my request) to prove he hadn't brought more than the 1 bottle of wine he said he was going to drink that night, acted outraged that I didn't believe him, eventually turned his camera on and panned it round the van, showing one empty bottle of beer that he said he had bought to have with his dinner, plus 2 bottles of wine.

. He said he had bought one bottle the day before "as a comforter in case just the 3 beers weren't enough, but I didn't drink it so that's why its here now".

I've spoken to him today and he says he still wants to move in on Monday and maintains that he will stick to his original plan, which is no drinking all week and cutting down the amount he drinks on a friday and Saturday, eventually getting it down to one bottle of wine over the 2 days.

I just don't know whether I can trust what he says. He reckons he didn't admit to the wine he bought on Thursday because I would have had a go at him (which is true, I would have) but how do I know he didn't buy 2 bottles yesterday?
How do I know when I spoke to him earlier that he hadn't drunk both bottles last night and would be buying more tonight and tomorrow and ultimately, does it really matter how much he drinks whilst he's moved out, as long as he sticks to only drinking on a Friday and Saturday once he moves back in?

So...sorry it's so long but that's what's whizzing around in my head at the moment, coupled with the fact he drives, I don't and he is currently doing the school run for me as otherwise, I'd have to pay £60 a week in bus fares getting my three children to school and I can't afford that at the moment - I can just about afford bills and food and it's a 45 min walk to the school which is doable, but means getting up loads earlier, leaving the house lots earlier, and the one time I tried it just after ex left we ended up only just making it into school in time and the kids were red faced and flustered going in.
With winter coming I'd much rather continue having them driven to school..probably sounds silly to everyone else but that's what I feel at the moment.

Any advice or insight much appreciated :)

I completely understand that you are in a difficult logistical situation because you don't drive, but if I'm frank, I have zero faith in your ex here. He has not yet sought professional help. He hasn't gone to the GP or to AA, and he's had weeks. He want to come back because winter is coming, but he has no intention of giving up drink. It's all talk to get back in the door.

You say yourself that you can't take his word for anything concerning drink, and you're right. I remember how that feels - it's sick-making stress. Do you want that for yourself every day?

My advice to you is to make him a permanent ex.

Thank you, I expected everyone to say that and if I'm honest, it's what I think myself.

And then "what ifs" creep in. I suppose that's all they are...

It's really hard to end a relationship with an alcoholic because of the what ifs. That's why it's good to find support for yourself if you possibly can (which you have actually done by posting here!). It helps to get insights from other people who have been where you are and it can assuage the feelings of guilt. We're conditioned to always support our partners even when doing so isn't the sensible or healthy thing to do, and we feel guilty for putting ourselves first. When you finally accept that actually it's OK to put yourself first because you can't pour from an empty cup, it's liberating.

And tough as your situation is, it's also not good for your DC to be around him.

Hi everyone, I've been reading the threads here and I hope it's ok to join the conversation. I'm in awe of the strength shown here and hoping to take inspiration from those of you who have left.
I'm sad to see how similar a lot of our stories are.
I'm trying to separate from my husband who has a drink problem. He doesn't drink every day but he is a binge drinker and drinks very heavily at least twice a week. Maybe a bottle of spirits as well as some wine, ciders etc. It tends to go in cycles and builds and builds in frequency until I completely lose it with him and tell him it's over. He then finally will say he knows he's been drinking a bit too much/often and will rein it in for a few weeks until it all begins again.
This has been going on for years and years. He says he drinks so much because I show him no affection, I'm boring, I nag him all the time etc etc. He also shouts at me, swears at me and has a very short temper when he is hungover.
Over the summer he was drinking heavily and passing out drunk every other night.
Last night he pissed in the corner of our bedroom which is the first time that has happened.
We have 2 amazing daughters aged 6 and 8 and I do not want them growing up thinking this behaviour is normal.
I think even if he stopped drinking today now it would be too late to repair the marriage.
I'm just hoping for some hand holds and support. I am scared to broach the subject with him again because he will shout at me and be so nasty. I don't know what to do next.
My father was an alcoholic and my brother is a recovering alcoholic. My husband says I am overly touchy about his drinking because of my family but I'm not. I need to separate but he won't even discuss it.
Sorry for the lengthy post

@slummymummy35 welcome! You have a very clear insight into your situation and that's the most important first step. It doesn't matter that he doesn't drink every day - what matters that his alcohol use is having a negative effect on all the aspects of your life as a family. He binges, he blames you for his drinking (this is a massive red flag!) and he gets so drunk he urinates in random places. It's enough.

What you need to do now is stop talking and start preparing your departure. Make sure you have full grasp on the family finances - his earnings, pension and any other assets, the value of your house if owned. Make sure you know where important documents are and that you have access to them.

You can start a divorce petition online - that's how I did it. You may end up needing solicitors if he decides not to be cooperative, but ultimately he cannot make you stay in the marriage. Your daughters will thank you for getting out now.

@Borderlyne I totally hear everything you’re saying and recognise all to well that doubt you are having. Alcoholics are brilliant at normalising what they’re doing and it’s so easy to get sucked into that. I think some time and space will help to give you some better perspective. Please don’t rush into letting him back, especially when he’s really not showing that anything significant has changed.
also, I know this is the last thing you want to hear but he really shouldn’t be doing the school run. At that level of drinking, it’s quite likely that his system is never totally clear of alcohol and no matter how much he denies it, he is potentially putting your children at risk. If he’s dependent on alcohol (sounds very much like it) you will have to be the one to make that decision for him because he never will. Honestly, I know too well the headache of taking on the extra load that that places on you, especially if you don’t drive.
look after yourself.

@slummymummy35 i totally agree with pointy that the not drinking every day doesn’t matter. Many alcoholics have rules, days off, even weeks and months off, the trouble is when they can never stay stopped.
my kids were a similar age to yours when I ended my marriage a couple of years ago. I’m so glad I did. It wasn’t (and still isn’t) easy but so much better than staying. I always felt like broaching the subject of his drinking was like poking a Velociraptor. I think it’s so common to get that anger and denial. Trust your instincts and stay strong. You will probably have to make all the moves if you want to split.
We’re all here for a handhold as and when you need it.

@pointythings and @AFitOfTheVapours thank you both for replying. That's really useful information about the online divorce. I didn't know you can do that.

I have been gathering information over the past few months. I'm in quite a strong position as I earn a good salary and I know I can afford the mortgage on our house on my own salary. There will of course have to be huge cut backs in our lifestyle but I know I can support myself and the kids.

I kept a diary of his drinking over the summer and it has been really helpful over the past few weeks to refer back to it - he had cut back massively for a few weeks and was on best behaviour, basically acting like the person I fell in love with years ago and making me start to think I was overreacting and going mad.

Reading back over the diary this morning made me realise he will never change and I will be reliving this again and again unless I do something about it. The thought of being intimate with him now makes me feel physically sick and I feel like I am constantly waiting for the next drinking session.
I also feel absolutely repulsed by the smell of him and the smell of stale alcohol the next day.

We almost separated a few years ago and went through marriage counselling after a particularly bad phase but he begged me to give it one more go. I just wish I had had the guts to go through with it then but at least now I truly can say I have tried everything.

I think it is the practicalities of everything that I find most daunting. Any advice you have would be massively appreciated. He won't leave the home without a fight. Mentally I have already checked out of the marriage.

Thanks x

this sounds so very familiar! it’s very tough being the one to carry the load of ending things. I thought I’d never get my ex out but did in the end. Has he got family he can stay with? As a first step, do you think asking him for some temporary space might work? If he does have family and you are close enough to them, maybe talk to them first and get agreement to him going there temporarily as that could be harder for him to refuse.
ultimately, you may have to be the one to leave, which is not easy.

Oh @slummymummy35 I recognise absolutely everything you've said from my own marriage. Every. Single. Thing. And I stayed for too long because I kept hoping he would see sense and find recovery. In a twisted sort of way it didn't help that my Dsis' partner was much the same but did find recovery and sobriety. It was really hard to accept that he would, but my own husband would not.

But you have everything so clear in your head and you are in a good position. Your DDs are still young, you can save them from all this. Keep posting here and do what you have to do.

@slummymummy35 good luck. It wont' be easy but your life will be so much calmer and better without him. Trying to monitor his drinking will drive you crazy in the end and it's so bad for your kids to live with this behaviour. @Borderlyne DO NOT let him back. He is not even trying to stop drinking. Whatever he says he is drinking daily you can probably double it, but guess what -it's not your problem unless you make it yours. Tell him he can't come back and don't feel guilty.

What @CharlotteByrde said to both of you. In spades.

And welcome to you too, you clearly have experience. Please share your wisdom with the posters who come on here for advice!

I lived with an alcoholic for far longer than was healthy for me and my kids. It seemed too hard to leave at the time, but the relief when he finally left was huge and life since has been so much better. However, my children are now young adults and the stress of those awful times still affects them.

Thank you all.

You're right, he hasn't tried to stop drinking; he's turned it round on me and is talking as though he left me (he said the other day "I had to get out as I was going crazy", but it was me that told him to leave.

He spent the first few nights posting all over Facebook how amazing his new life was overlooking the canal and seeing the swans every morning and kept buying camping equipment like he was having the time of his life.

And he spoke to me horribly yesterday and earlier. The last thing he said to me earlier was "you're such an f-ing expert on the drinking thing, aren't you?" then hung up on me.
For once, I didn't immediately try and contact him as he always ignores anyway so I fought that instinct and got on with my day, then at 5pm he sent me a video that he apparently thought would make me laugh. Well actually, all it made me do is realise how little he respects me that he can swear at me and hang up on me, ignore me all day then randomly start acting like nothing has happened and not expect me to be pissed off.

Which I am, at the moment.

But I know on Monday I'll be faltering again :(

Don't falter. Stay strong. You can do this. The alternative is having someone living with you who WILL swear at you, disrespect you, blame you and either be drunk or craving drink. Any good moments will be ruined by the knowledge you're on a tightrope and the rope's about to snap.

Definitely stay strong. This is no way to keep living. Don’t be surprised if the swearing/anger/abuse ramps up when he realises you are sticking to the break up. It is part of the denial. Much easier to lash out at you than to confront his own issues. Divorce is never easy but so much better to live your own life without the immense stress of alcoholism facing you on a daily basis.

@CharlotteByrde your story is my story. My DC were older teens by the time he was made to move out (police involved). They are both still dealing with the fallout - DC1 has had a lot of therapy and is in a stable place, but DC2 was his target of choice for verbal and psychological abuse and has been diagnosed with PTSD and BPD. They are actually doing really well - they have full insight, are on medication and will have access to both DBT and EMDR, but this happened in part because I stayed too long.

@Borderlyne post here the moment you feel yourself wavering It may also help you to start keeping a journal to record his behaviour and your feelings, so you can go back and reread any time you wobble because he's being nice and promising you the moon. And if you can, get some support in RL. Look for support groups, they do exist. Your local wellbeing services, branches of MIND or branches of Turning Point may be able to signpost you. It doesn't have to be Al-Anon, other groups exist. I co-facilitate a small local group in my area (Suffolk) and we support people with loved ones who have all kinds of addictions, not just alcohol. There may be something similar in your patch.

Thank you so much for the support and replies. I have never spoken to anyone about this who understands how awful it is and the tightrope you constantly feel like you are on. And the chaos. And the gaslighting and their defensive rages and total refusal to take responsibility or acknowledge the wrongness of their behaviour.

Also what you mentioned about how he can swear and be horrible and nasty in the morning and then just act later on the same day as if nothing happened.

Thanks for helping me to feel like I'm not alone and I'm definitely not overreacting.

He has gone out tonight with friends so god knows what state he will be tomorrow.

@slummymummy35 you will always get support here. I am also contactable via pm if needs be.

We all know exactly how you feel.

Hi all, I hope it’s ok to join in this thread.
I left my partner a month ago due to his drinking, it had all become too much for me and the children.
I’m poorly with a chest infection and probably a bit emotional but I’m having a really hard time. I can’t get my head around the fact that he chose drinking over us, no matter how many times I begged him to stop, he’d always come home drunk.
It just all feels pretty rubbish that 12 years has been wasted all because he couldn’t stop having a drink.
I was hoping that the shock of moving out and realizing that he isn’t coming back would work and stop him drinking but I drove
through town yesterday and saw him walking into the pub!
It’s just heartbreaking that everything could be ok but he chooses for it to not be.

Any advice or just some hope that this gets easier is very much appreciated x