Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

It might, but it might not. They're so variable in their outlook that a bad one might make you worse. I would try SMART family & friends first.

You have so, so much on your plate though that your first focus really needs to be self preservation. You can't pour from an empty cup, so you have to pace yourself. Self care is not selfish, and in your situation I would put that first.

I would say it's worth a try definitely. They do online meetings via Zoom and are very welcoming. I've done a couple of different ones and I think one suited me better. I'm still not sure if it's for me but I'm going to try a few more. Someone also recommended SMART family and friends and I'd like to try them but the timings haven't been good for me so far.

Can I join please. I have been lurking and finding so much support from you all already but it’s been a bad night and I need to vent.
I’m not sure if DH can be classed as an alcoholic but he certainly has problems regulating and binge drinks, not always but often enough to send me here. There’s been too many ruined holidays, family events, etc, once he got his brand new iPad stolen on a resort (when I locked it remotely and it went into stolen mode they chucked it out the window and we eventually found it all cracked outside in the bushes). Promised he’d stop after that. Three months later he got stuck in another county and ended up getting high too and I put my foot down and said enough. Lasted a week that time before getting obliterated again. Most recently was on a holiday, ironically visiting his alcoholic mother, it’s one thing to get drunk in our city but an hour away from our accommodation in a foreign country, I had to get him home safe somehow, I got him back by some miracle and he went straight out to a local bar and the manager had to walk him home when they closed. We almost got kicked out of our accommodation due to the late night noise. There’s so many other occasions I can think of where I’ve called my friend in tears because I just don’t know what else to do.

I just leave him to it now. Tonight we were at a family event and I could tell it was coming, I just felt so anxious the entire time, waiting for the inevitable slurring of words, praying he wouldn’t come back from the toilet with another round. Eventually he started an argument that I’d taken his drink (I hadn’t) and I just left and made my way home. I can’t win as this way I keep my peace but cause family ‘drama’ and he’ll blame me for ‘abandoning’ him and use it as an excuse to drink til daylight. He doesn’t always get so drunk, he can have a couple and stop, or go several days or weeks without anything, but I can always tell the nights when it’s going to go too far.

The plus side is I’ve totally reevaluated my own relationship with alcohol. During lockdown I definitely slipped into unhealthy habits, drinking every night and built a crazy high tolerance which meant I’d just drink more and more until I felt buzzed again. Pleased to say I still drink but of course not so much at home, and I hate even getting tipsy now. This almost makes it worse somehow though, watching him deteriorate while I stay sober.

I used to think we could just moderate it. But I think I will always now fear him having one too many, crossing the point of no return, I think we just need to cut it off completely. But I’ve learned from his mum that no-one can help them unless they want to help themselves.

I’m spending my night in bed hoping he makes it home safe but reading this thread just to know that others know how it feels.

@cranewife , welcome, you are in the right place. I don’t know when substance abuse becomes addiction, but having special occasions ruined, placing yourself in danger and letting your loved one live life on eggshells being blamed for any issues, certainly sounds problematic. What are his good points?
Are you getting any support irl? Do you have anyone to talk to? Withdrawing when he behaves badly is certainly a good first step, it’s not your job to fix this. Try not to worry about what other people think,they probably see very well how things are. They may be waiting for you to call a halt to this. It’s not your fault, and you can’t change it. You are allowed to think about how you would like to live, and what would feel right for you. And you are allowed to walk away. And to stay, of course, but everything would be ok if only he stopped drinking, may not be workable in practice. Because it’s still all about him, and you still get left watching, trying to control it, being blamed for the boredom of abstinence, forced to police the doing it in secret stage and then for triggering every relapse. How long have you been together?

@cranewife the main criterion on whether or not someone is abusing alcohol is less about how much and how often someone is drinking than about the impact is has on their life, and crucially on the lives of the people around them.

So for you, that means your husband is definitely abusing alcohol. His drinking is causing you immense stress, it is causing you to walk on eggshells, it is ruining holidays and social occasions. That in itself is enough for you to feel that you have a problem.

The question is what do you see your future looking like? You do not have to live like this. You do not owe him anything. Equally if you love him and want to stay with him, that is valid too.

Please consider finding some real life support for yourself - it may be wortwhile talking this through with a counsellor, if only so that you can find yourself again in the midst of all the chaos.

And keep posting. All of us have been where you are now.

It certainly sounds like an alcohol problem. And you are right - he will need to recognise it himself & want to change things. I hope you get clarity about what you want to do x

Alcohol is a problem if it’s costing more than money.

@cranewife I know the energy it takes to create a ‘normal’ life around an alcoholic. When your time is right you can stop protecting him (and as in my experience you discover most people know what was happening) and protect yourself. Hugs

Has anyone else experienced that they are more sensitive to people mentioning "oh I need a drink after this!" And to jokes around alcohol? I saw a funny photo of a child innocently holding a wine bottle on Facebook the other day and I know that it was totally fine but it made me feel so strange. I think this is partly because my partner drinks around our children and I am increasingly uncomfortable about this.

Oh yes. I was like that for years, it's only just started wearing off. The phrase 'wine o'clock' would really get to me. It's because the likes of us have seen at first hand the damage that alcohol can do.

I used to be really, really rule-based around my own alcohol intake, sticking rigidly to what days I allowed myself to have a drink. Because I'd seen alcohol out of control for so many years that I got controlling about it. From the outside looking in, people might have thought I had an alcohol problem, and in a way I did. That's finally worn off. Weirdly, it's made me drink even less than I was already.

Having an addict in your life really, really messes with your head.

Yes after having had a mother and exh who would drink at any hour of the day I get triggered when people joke 'it's never too early for a drink'

Thank you @3dogs2cats @pointythings @Userqrgtyd and everyone on this thread present and past
He has many good qualities and I’m very much in love with him still. I’m grateful for the advice on this thread, especially the advice to find time for myself and fill my own cup. Coming home early and leaving him to it on Wednesday night was absolutely the best choice. I watched my own show in bed with a cup of fancy tea and felt, not good on Thursday, but certainly much better than I would have done if I hadn’t just left him to it.
Fortunately also he got home around 2am and the only damage was a pulled calf muscle. So not the worst night.
Been together six years. Married for two. Pre lockdown it was a laugh, I was young and we didn’t live together, I didn’t see the dark side of it. Since we’ve been married it’s been worse. Others have noticed, in fact this week I had an argument with my DM as she doesn’t know what to do around us, we can have a glass or two but not too much or he will go over the edge. And unfortunately my DM will either drink nothing at all or have (what is fine for her but) too much for DH to be around (cuz he always has to match and then raise what other people are drinking. Which sometimes is fine but sometimes ends in disaster.
I am staying but strengthened to read people’s stories of breaking free and knowing I can do the same if it gets too much. His relationship with alcohol is his own to deal with. I won’t get drawn into policing or monitoring.
@StosbyNillsAndCash I get that, I feel super sensitive about jokes about alcohol. It’s like confirmation bias, once something’s damaged your life it’s all you can see everywhere.

Thanks all. I'm feeling so so angry with my (STBX) partner right now. He's spent the weekend drinking around me and the kids and I feel so done.

Are you still living together? If so, that needs to end as soon as it is practically possible. Not an easy thing to accomplish, but you can start working towards it.

If not, you are allowed to set boundaries. So if he wants to come to yours and see the kids and rocks up drunk, you are entitled to not let him in. Explaining that to your DC if they are young is hard, but 'daddy is not well enough to see you' should cover it.

I'm sorry you have had to deal with this.

Yes he is. He never gets "drunk drunk" if that makes sense, he's not obviously drunk or lairy, just cheerful and sometimes sleepy!

I hope you manage a full separation soon. It's so much better for everyone.

My mum drinks frequently. A bottle a night when she does drink. I feel as if she doest drink enough for me to be mad about. I'm 17 dealing with anxiety in itself. My mum is my person, I tell her when I feel anxious and she has been there to help deal with my panic attacks. So naturally I have no one to turn to in this situation. When my mum has had alcohol, she slurs her words, her eyes go dark and dilated. She's repetitive and annoying. And my dad, who has his own issues, and my sister also get frustrated about it. My sister (13) ignores it as it makes her angry. My dad gets angry about it, using me as his source of frustration outake. The complaints and sadness get to me severely to to the point where I want to break and hit things. Anything to rid me of the mental pain. The whole vibe in the house changes. Only a week ago today, it became too much, and for two hours my mum sat with me whilst I cried. It resulted in a panic attack when I told her the reason. She blamed herself and said "I won't do it again, this is my fault". The anxiety of upsetting her played a part, work for her is tough and I fear she has no where else to channel her stress and sadness. But tonight sh drunk two beers andher eyes are black and shes annoying and giving single word answers. I thought after seeig me loose my breathe over this she would see the situation for what it is. If anyone can give advice it would be helpful.

@secretaccount16. That sounds horrendous and so much to deal with at your age, it's too much really. Are you at school or college and do you have a tutor who you can talk to? You really need support for you as it sounds like such a difficult situation and it also sounds like your Dad is struggling.

I'm in college and I do have a mentor. I find it hard to bring up this topic. My sister resoted to her teacher. Who unfortunately contacted my mum. At first, she was concerned and was sympathetic towards us. Now she uses the phrase," I can't do that because I'll get another safeguarding call" as if my sistermgot her in trouble or was talking about something unimportant. I feel like I can't tell anyone out of fear of upsetting my mum because I genuinely care and can see she is struggling.

She must be struggling but she is an adult and she really needs to take responsibility for herself. You are a young person and her child and it's absolutely not fair or right for you to be shouldering all of this.

If you don't feel you want to speak to the college again you could try the Al Anon helpline.

Also you can chat here. Everyone has been lovely and so supportive.

Most importantly, please don't blame yourself. You did NOT cause it. It's not your fault at all.

Thank you very much. I will take a look at the helpline. If I was to talk to my mum, what would I say?

@SecretAccount16 you need these guys: https://nacoa.org.uk/

They are a specialist organisation who support the children of alcoholic parents and they have a telephone helpine as well as a message board. Please give them a call. They can't make your college do anything for you, but they can help you with coping strategies. And if your mother does deteriorate and it becomes a serious safeguarding situation, they will be able to offer guidance.
I'm sorry your dad isn't a reliable source of support. He's currently engaged in denial and enabling, so you will have to do what you can to help yourself.

We are all here for you.

In afraid I don't know. I've been asking that question about my partner and I wish there was a magic conversation that you could have to make them understand, but it seems not. I would say, just do whatever you need to do to be ok.

And you don't need to tell your Mum that you're seeking out support but you may want to, either is fine.

Hi, I am married to an alcoholic and have 3 kids who are all in primary school. Increasingly I am thinking about leaving. In the past it would have been unbearable to even think about it but now I feel our relationship is so broken, I can't trust him, I have given so much energy to this and it feels a complete waste.

I didn't grow up with two parents or any stability so I have always been so focused on giving that to my kids but this isn't a happy home and I don't think there's much hope of us ever finding our way to anything better.

I know that he might get sober and things could change but I feel like I've run out of patience and even if he did, I'm not sure it would make me want to be with him.

I went to an Al anon group and the people were lovely but I felt a kind of pressure to hang in there with my marriage, just an assumption that that's what you do. I guess I just wanted to ask how other people have handled this and to just share feeling I've come to the end of my patience, I've given everything I can but I think I need to accept it's never going to make this into a happy relationship.

@Superwomble it's a sad fact that Al-Anon does focus on keeping the family together at the expense of the non-addicted partner and the children. They teach you coping strategies which can be useful if you want to stay, but not so much if you are leaning towards leaving. Those coping strategies can help you detach emotionally and cope, but they do not make you happy. The other problem is that having an alcoholic parent is incredibly damaging to children, and Al-Anon do not seem to want to acknowledge this.

Ultimately you have to balance the costs and benefits to leaving and staying, but speaking as someone who decided to leave, I can honestly say I have zero regrets. I have given my children more stability as a single parent after walking out than they had in the last 5 years of our marriage.