Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

I live with someone with an alcohol problem who I care very deeply for and have had to detach around everything to do with alcohol. BUT - I am NOT his partner - and I know I could not do it in a relationship

Leaving should be an option for everyone - especially when children involved.

I've been bouncing around various Al Anon facebook pages, trying to work out if it is really for me. I think the last few posts have helped me understand why not. In my case, because the controlling and probably narcisistic nature of my husband meant that detachment was impossible. If I tried to leave him alone to get on with it I would be shouted at, and told that I was 'being unkind', if I went out for the day I would get a constant stream of abusive messages telling me to come back and stop being a stupid bitch etc etc. Typing it out now makes me realise that I have done exactly the right thing, and that detaching would have never worked. My relationship was broken and was not going to be sorted by me trying to detach with love.
The person I loved was destroyed by alcohol, and possibly never really existed.
I had a good session with my therapist, understanding that although I feel guilty about leaving the person I love, that is not the person I am leaving in real life. I am leaving the person who called me horrible names, shouted at me, hit me, and and who could not let me live my own life unless it met his needs alone.
Hugs to all. (This is a stream of consciouness post, I find it so helpful to get it out in public - thank you for listening)

I found Al Anon useful, but only because it was an online group and their main message of 'didn't cause, can't control or cure' was a revelation to me. I'd gone there looking for help for my DH. It hadn't dawned on me at that point that I couldn't help him and had to save myself and my kids. But fully agree that the 'detach emotionally and stay with your partner' message is deeply flawed. Happiness in those circumstances would have been impossible for me and terribly damaging for my kids.

@Userqrgtyd stream away, you are doing so well, and reading your stream of consciousness can really help those also living in this.
I’ve been very sad lately. I took on a relatives child when they were removed because of alcoholism. The child reached adulthood recently. Thy are doing well, but have had no contact with their parent for 5 years. So hard for the parent. It was the child’s choice and sensible as there was a lot of emotional abuse, but the parent doesn’t understand that and probably never will. They just feel abandoned and conspired against. I feel really sorry for them, and guilty.

It is hard for the parent, but choices have consequences. And you have nothing to feel guilty about; you gave a child a safe place to grow up.

My late husband used to say how sad he was that his children didn't want contact - but he did nothing at all that might over time have changed that. He went to exactly one therapy session and when the therapist was honest and said they couldn't guarantee he would have a relationship with them again, he never went back.

Thanks @pointythings . I do know that I did everything I could , but it is sad. I know your childrens father died,I’ve been scared that would happen and our ward would come to regret having no contact, but she may be less prone to guilt than me. I don’t think she should feel guilty, she spent years caring for her parent rather than vice versa, so I want her to have the best life and feel really good about how far she’s come.

@3dogs2cats your ward is incredibly lucky to have you and that is all there is to be said.

@pointythings aww thank you. It has been hard, but she is lovely. And we are all lucky to have you and this thread 👑

@pointythings thank you for all your support here. It really means a lot.

I hope everyone is OK and finding a way to cope.

I'm glad you're finding this thread helpful. When it fills up, I'll start another one and signpost you all. Meanwhile, one day at a time applies to us survivors of alcoholics just as much.

Tentatively... Things are going well here. He has his moments but is keeping busy and I'm learning to recignise that some slightly erratic behaviour is actually him coping with the desire to drink and the turmoil in his head. I can see a vast difference - he looks so much better, is eating more and putting on weight, is sleeping better. One day at a time...

My partner is still drinking and hiding bottles, even after all that's happened. I partially feel like this means I'm doing the right thing, partially still feeling guilty and wondering if I insisted on us going to some outside support that it may help.

@BrightSideOfTheMoon Im so sorry, i feel like I just talked over you
That's great, baby steps! I hope it continues to go well.

@BrightSideOfTheMoon that sounds great, one day at a time! I hope you are finding a little peace of mind too.

@StosbyNillsAndCash you're still talking about 'us' finding support. I'm sorry, but no. It's on him to find support to stop drinking. His circus, his monkeys. I know this sounds harsh, but for your own sanity's sake you need to care for yourself more and for him less.

@StosbyNillsAndCash No, you didn't.. its the nature of messageboards.

It is positive. There have been days when I haven't felt so positive. I try not to pin all my hopes and happiness on his sobriety. It's his journey, and I'm walking by his side. But it affects us both, and I feel that my partner's decision to stop drinking is at least partly about 'us'. Yes, it's his responsibility, but as long as we are together we are tackling the alcoholism together, and trying to understand how we adjust to a sober life as a couple.

You mentioned having a counsellor. Is that helping?

I've only had one counselling session so far and also spoke to al anon. Talking about it made me realise just how much I've been dealing with in my head and on my own. Some family and friends have been great to talk to. I still feel like it's bit of a whirlwind in my head though.

That's completely normal, because none of this is how life is supposed to work. Things like this put you into long term fight or flight more and in the end there's always a price to pay. Keep it up with the counselling and also look into doing some mindfulness work - it helps bring you back to the moment and lets you step out of the whirlwind, even if only for a few minutes.

Living with an alcoholic damages you and you need time to recover. Every time you catch yourself thinking 'I should be over it by now', remember that.

Thank you. I think I'm in denial still a bit as I keep thinking "is it really that bad? Bad enough to disrupt all of our lives like this?" So hopefully the counselling will help me. It feels like grief.

It feels like grief.

That's because it is grief. You're grieving for the partner you've lost - the one who wasn't an addict - and for the life you've lost that you thought you were going to had, with the man you loved and your children, as a family. It absolutely is a form of bereavement, and grief is a normal and healthy response.

In terms of asking yourself whether it really was that bad - we have a way of minimising the bad because we've invested so much of ourselves in the relationship. You don't see how bad it really was until you're truly out on the other side and grounded in your new life.

@StosbyNillsAndCash Absolutely it is grief. That is where I am, and it is so hard. For example this weekend I am away going to an event with a friend. At exactly the same time last year I was in the same place by myself, following a mega row with my husband who went into a sulk because I had planned one afternoon/evening of the whole weekend with my very elderly parents, and he didn’t want to spend his birthday (which was actually on the Monday) with them. I went, he stayed at home, and in the end my parents were unable to come. It was horrendous. That is what I have to remember rather than the making up we did and the meal we went out for on his birthday when I got back. I am grieving the imagination of what it should have been. And I have to not let myself worry about him or feel guilty about him being alone on his birthday this year. It is easy to let the rose tinted imagination take over. But it wasn’t real. Any normal person would have supported me with my parents, and enjoyed all the other stuff I had planned to celebrate their birthday over the weekend. He couldn’t do that because he was a narcissist and a controlling alcoholic. However part of me is still grieving very much.

hugs to all x

An ex (many years ag) was a binge drinker and there were so many ruined occasions... he would simply have no idea how boring and miserable it was for everyone else. He'd disappear for hours, and the next day would be a write-off. I've done a fair bit of badly-managed drinking myself in my time but it was the lack of awareness from him that I found difficult to deal with.

You will feel grief. Also anger, guilt, loneliness. Why would you not wish things were different? But trying to hold on to the appearance of a 'normal' life when life with an alcoholic is anything but normal is nerve shredding, gut-wrenching misery. It is damaging to the extent that my mental health will never really recover completely and my children have struggled with depression as young adults. Stay strong.

My son, 44 years old today, is an alcoholic. He also chain smokes. He's had a range of health problems relating to both smoking and drinking and had done both since he was a child. He had a difficult start in life and in all honesty if anyone had reason to turn to abusing the anaesthetics of booze and fags it would be him. I don't let him off the hook though and will not be around him when he's drinking.
He lives apart from me with his Dad. His Dad enables both drinking and smoking. They have quite a toxic codependent relationship and Dad has been on the incredible roller coaster that an addict's life is. We adopted son when he was aged 8. I mention it to explain that we didn't cause the underlying issues that cause him to drink. His father was an alcoholic. We certainly haven't been able to help him quit. Hes recently been diagnosed with lung cancer and has started radiotherapy. It's made me feel that I want more contact and to be helpful, so I'm trying to support him by visiting whenever I can. He's angry with us both and busily revisiting old hurts- I don't mind, I'm happy to revisit the past as I know I wasn't a perfect parent. Anything that helps really. But I'm not young, no longer able to drive the distance between us, public transport is a bit shit. I feel torn. Have lots going on at home, trying to sell house, downsize, buy new house, partner has health issues and can't hold the fort for long periods. I have a young dog who needs caring for. Just want reflections opinions anything really that you might want to say and that might be helpful.

I feel the cancer diagnosis is almost inevitable given that he already had other problems with his lungs. Deep down I think he partly doesn't really want to live. Part of him loves life. Noone is just an addict. He's a bright, generous loving resourceful talented beautiful person. Also an addict.

Does anyone think attending an Al Anon group might help?