Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

Stay strong , someone wise said to me to judge your relationship by the bad, not the good. Well done and hugs . 💐

I’m sorry @StosbyNillsAndCash but it will bring you & your children peace which you won’t get while searching for bottles xx

I know it hurts a lot @StosbyNillsAndCash but from this point on you will start rebuilding your life with peace for you and your children in it.
You’ve done all you can for him, for many years and now it’s time to focus on your life and future. He can make decisions about his life too if he wants to but you are not responsible for him.

Oh bravely done, @StosbyNillsAndCash . It will hurt like hell. You will recover and rebuild. You have protected your children. Use all the RL support you have around you and stay strong.

I don't know. I'm having major doubts today. This hurts so much. Is it worth it? The kids aren't aware of any issues at all so this has been a massive shock for them. He never gets obviously drunk and shouty or abusive. He has a job, he gets chores etc done. He's a great dad.

The would become aware though. And the way your husband drinks is usually progressive - ie gets worse. Maybe it will be the shock he needs to properly engage with sorting himself out. If you go back now then he knowns he doesn’t have to.

So... home detox is finished but without the daily appointments he's found it a struggle and has slipped. So disappointed. So sad for him. Heartbroken for us and for his family.
I don't feel betrayed or angry with him because I can see how desperately unhappy he is and how strong a grip this substance has on him (and I am not relying on him to be a parent or maintain a household - it would be different if that were the case).
The hard thing is that when I try to talk about it, all he hears is that I think he's weak and worthless, when actually I think he's being amazingly strong facing up to his addiction.
I am scared because it will kill him if he starts drinking again. His body can't take the alcohol any more and I don't think it will stand another detox.
He says he needs space from me so I have to leave him be for now.

It’s heartbreaking isn’t it @BrightSideOfTheMoon You are doing something so kind though

@StosbyNillsAndCash kids might not be aware of his drinking but they would notice the tension. And what about you? Can you see the future the way it was, constant worry and stress? You matter too. What would you like to do for yourself when you regain your inner peace?
It’s day one so it is all raw. There is no way arpund this other than feeling all those feelings and believing that you will get on the other side and find a happier place.

I would also point out that kids notice a lot more than adults think. My oldest noticed things weren't right when they were only 11. Couple that with the fact that most alcoholics get worse as time wears on and you're looking at major impact on your DC a few years down the line.

There's also his impact on you. Someone on a different alcohol thread once said she felt it wasn't that bad because he hadn't stolen from her.

But he'd stolen her peace of mind.

We have talked a bit more. He did say that he wasnt blaming me but that he was using it as a coping mechanism because there are times when I've been down and he was worried about me. I dunno though, that all feels so unhealthy and like he's tying it to me.

He says he isn't blaming you... and then blames you. Well spotted. It has to be your fault that he drinks, because otherwise he has to accept that it's entirely his responsibility.

This is why you were right to end the relationship. This is why it needs to stay ended. Mine did this too - guilt tripping is an established addict manipulation technique.

@StosbyNillsAndCash he drinks because he's worried about you? What utter hogwash. Stand firm. He is nowhere near recovery and his drinking will get worse. As @pointythings kids are much more aware than we believe at the time. He's not a great dad, because his priority is drink, not his kids, so they're never going to be truly safe with him as long as he is drinking.

@BrightSideOfTheMoon he is trying to stop you talking about his drinking, by 'hearing' things you aren't saying and about 'needing space'. You can't save him and he is dragging you down with him. I mean this kindly, but you would be better giving him that space and leaving him to get on with it.

@StosbyNillsAndCash that makes no sense, he drinks because he cannot cope seeing you feeling down knowing that is a major factor in you feeling that way.
All he’s doing is putting responsibility for his drinking on you.

My ex BF would say something similar. According to him, i didn’t trust him and that would make him lose motivation to change and made him carry on drinking. Every time when i questioned his drinking. I didn’t trust him (his drinking) because i saw zero effort to address it. But he wanted to make me feel responsible and put onus on me to change this situation. No thank you. I was powerless in it. He just didn’t want me to keep bringing up his drinking problem.

Your H is doing exactly the same. He doesn’t want to accept it’s on him and him only to change this. And he wants to shut you up. If you could start bending backwards trying to ‘fix’ it again, that’s even better.
It’s just an attempt at manipulating you.

We can, and do, talk about his drinking. I hate 'finding him out'. Its horrible. But thats the dynamic if the drinking is hidden. I think when he slipped he wanted me to find out. There is a lot of shame and feelings of worthlessness attached to being in the grip of an addiction, and because of the shame he wants to stop on his own, then laments the lack of support. Its hard not to feel frustrated.

If it wasn't a matter of life and death I would be more sanguine about it but if he doesn't succeed I'll be having Christmas on my own this year.

You aren't really talking about his drinking though -you can't have a frank, honest discussion with an active alcoholic. Everything he says will be basically an excuse for him to keep drinking. He doesn't want to stop on his own because of shame, he does it because he wants to avoid scrutiny and to go back to drinking when the need is too strong. And for the same reason, he wants you to give him space. It isn't a question of being sanguine about the fact he might die, but it's an absolute fact that there is absolutely nothing you can do to save him if he chooses to keep drinking.

I know this, @CharlotteByrde . I know what's going on. I treat this kind of behaviour and thinking as symptomatic of his illness, in the same way as if it was depression.

I took a big step this week, and informed my husband I would be filing for divorce. We have been no contact now for 4.5 months. I am so much more relaxed that I don’t have to deal with the day to day stress of life with him, but I still have a huge sense of loss for the man he once was for me. Hugs to all living this life x

@Userqrgtyd that's a huge step. And feeling relaxed has so much to recommend it! I understand the sense of loss but just keep bearing in mind you need to do this because of how things are, rather than how you'd have chosen them to be. Stay strong.There will be so much to be happy about in future. x

@Userqrgtyd that's wonderful, well done! You'll get through grieving for the loss of what you once had and build a peaceful life without him in it. It just takes time.

Hi everyone. I hope you're all OK.

I am feeling a bit of a wreck today. I called al anon and they were very good. I still don't fully get their stance on how you can find contentment and a good life whilst living with a problem drinker though? Apparently sometimes when the partner focuses in themselves and looks after themselves it encourages the drinker to sort themselves out. I'm also speaking to a counsellor.

This is the issue I have with Al-Anon. They don't really contemplate the likelihood that leaving the drinker is going to be best for the partner and children. Their default is that the partner stays. It's why I always also recommend SMART , because they don't have that pseudo-moral compass.

It is not selfish to leave a relationship with an addict. Self preservation is not selfish. Protecting your children from the fallout of living with an alcoholic parent is not selfish.

All the options should be on the table, not just 'stay, detach and tough it out'.

Our group never suggests one way is better than another.

I suggest you contact SMART online for a different perspective and a different method of supporting yourself.

It does seem like the al anon underlying message is "stay, detach and tough it out' which makes me very uncomfortable. I think the detaching is doing a LOT of damage to my relationship
.

Is there an informal way of contacting SMART like a helpline? Or just meetings?

I haven't used them, but having looked it up they have online meetings on Monday and Thursday at 7. Google will find them.

If you have ended your relationship, the damage is done. But not doing that damage would have been worse. You now need to work out a new relationship with your ex that is safe and puts you and the children first.