Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

You have to detach or your anxiety will be through the roof and it will be impossible. Counsellor sounds a great idea. Concentrate on yourself - you deserve that.

I am not surprised by your update @StosbyNillsAndCash, of course you knew it and was right.
All that mental energy you spent on this. I can’t say it’s a waste as it’s another push to look after yourself and put yourself first.
He can’t be trusted and all his promises are irrelevant, literally just a meaningless noise.

I'm so sad for the kids.

In the long run they will be grateful. I haven’t read anyone glad they got to grow up with an alcoholic.
And what about you? Do you really think they would be happy having you constantly anxious, stressed and unhappy? There is no hiding that as it’s constant and relentless.

When i was divorcing 3 years ago (for other reasons, ex wasnt alcoholic but addicted to porn and financially reckless) I felt sad that the future i wanted will never happen. In my mind i wanted us to grow old together, be happy and have kids visit us in old age with their partners etc, usual happy family stuff. Only not that long ago i realised that it was never going to happen, even if i stayed. Because it was impossible with that particular person. That future with happy family image only existed in my mind and was impossible to achieve in reality due to issues we had. It helped me stop feeling like i’ve ‘ruined’ things.

So sorry to hear that, I know the feeling at the pit of your stomach. Many hugs, He has made his choice again. You have to focus on what you want, and trust your instincts.

Feeling incredibly sad, agitated and upset. My partner is going through home detox. We had a terrible row today which started with things he was saying to the nurse that made me feel he was askiging for permission to drink in the future. It has just gone on and on and back and forth between our homes (we don't live together). He ended up going home at about 1am. I didn't ask him to stop drinking or make any ultimatums - this was his choice, because he knows if he drinks again he will die. I feel I have done everything I could have done over the last few months to support him and I feel the rug has been pulled from under my feet. I don't think he drank, and we cleaned the booze out of his home together so I don't think there is anything there but I can't know for sure. I am just so gutted and scared for what might happen tomorrow.

I just don't know what to do with myself now. Can't sleep.

@BrightSideOfTheMoon , I hope you managed some sleep. Try to do something for yourself today. You can’t make his decisions for him, and on e row (I am sure of many) is not going to change things. 🪷

Thank you @Userqrgtyd. All calm now. He didn't drink, despite a very stressful day. I'm so bloody proud of him. And we talked it all through with the detox nurse this morning which really helped.

I'm finding these current days quite odd. We've had some tough conversations lately and currently he seems to be trying to pretend like nothing has happened and everything is OK. I guess it's his way of trying to protect himself. Is this usual and has anyone had experience of this?

Yes, very normal. He's gone back into denial and he's trying to get you back to being a compliant enabler. That's not in a malicious sense - he can't help it, it's how his addict brain thinks. It's all about doing whatever needs to be done in order for him to be able to drink in the way he wants without any interference from you. Nothing will change unless you change what you're doing for yourself and your DC.

I'm feeling a bit harsh this week - one of the alcoholics who had relatives in our group died. Devastated relatives and two children who now have no parents at all because one had already passed, and all because of alcohol.

Yes, that is how it worked with us, he would say he was sorry, and be full of remorse, but would never let me talk about how I felt, and how it all impacted me. I sought counselling to somehow teach me how to suppress my feelings, which was so wrong. And then in periods of sobriety I would dance around him to try to make all well.

One of my lightbulb moments came after the summer of 2017, which was when my ultimatum was playing itself out. He'd left our family holiday in Devon after 2 days because I refused to drive him to the shops to get more alcohol (he had brought two full bottles of whisky and nearly finished both). In the past, the threat of abandoning a holiday had made me compliant, but this time round I just said 'sure, I'll book you a train ticket' (he didn't drive, that was all me. And he went, we had almost 2 full weeks without him and it was amazing.

When I came back, he tried to talk me out of the ultimatum with the usual promises of cutting down and bullshit, and I said no, and he accused me of always wanting to talk about it 'all the time'. That was when I realised that actually he had been preventing me from talking about it so that he did not have to listen to things from my perspective. I suspect if he'd made an attempt to listen to me, I might have weakend and not pushed the ultimatum (which was rehab or divorce), but he didn't and I stuck to my guns.

Best thing I ever did.

I think it’s very hard for addicts to address how their drug and alcohol use affects others. For them, the drinking bit is fine because while they are drinking their cravings are being satisfied and their needs are being met. The substances mitigate their anxiety and stress. And then when they’ve made it through another day, and they are in one piece, it’s ok. For us, there is the constant anxiety of where they are, whether they are safe, the lost time waiting for a phone call or for them to come home ok. It’s very easy for them to minimise this and turn it round - blame others for fussing or nagging or ‘getting into a state’.

Thanks all. He doesn't appear to drink 'that much' so a few extra ciders or beers, which doesn't seem that bad compared to others. But then why hide it? And he has definitely drunk to excess in the past.
It's the lying, and seemingly lack of remorse for it.

I'm around friends today and some of them are drinking a wine or two and I've been surprised by how I felt a little odd around them drinking, it used to feel normal. They're not getting legless, just a casual drink. I would usually have a non alcoholic beer as I'm driving and I don't even want that.

I hope everyone else is ok and finding some comfort and resolution!

@StosbyNillsAndCash he truly believes he doesn't have a problem with alcohol. He also knows that you think the opposite. Lying to you is to him a natural solution: he gets to drink the way he wants, and he gets you off his back.

So if I stay my choices seem to be, either

1. It means I believe the lie
2. I think it is acceptable to lie to me

No, not quite. There's a third:

3. Lies or no lies, as things stand, the costs of leaving outweigh the benefits. And only you can be the judge of that.

I don't quite understand, do you mean accept the situation if I don't want the expense of splitting?

Oh sorry, I read that as costs of living, I understand now

It isn't just cost of living in financial terms, though there is that; untangling shared housing and shared finances, having to set up two households where there used to be one. It's also things like child access and maintenance, the pracicalities of child dropoffs and pickups, and most of all it's the acceptance that you're single again, that your relationship has failed, that you're starting over - rebuilding yourself after a relationship with an addict is even harder than it is if no addiction is involved.

Speaking for myself it's been totally worth it and infinitely better, but we're all different. Also my kids were older teens and they didn't want any contact with their father at all, which made things more straightforwrd.

I'm not really sad for myself, more sad for the kids, and sad for him.

Those are completely valid feelings. And you're also allowed to feel sad for yourself.

But in terms of the kids, it will be so much better for them to grow up in a houhold that doesn't have an alcoholic in it. You can be sad for him too - there are still times when I am sad for my late husband. He was such a lovely guy when I married him and it was such a waste of a really good human being.

Hi. My partner and I have split. Kids were devastated at first but seem to have accepted it now and seem more positive but they are asking why.
I feel so sad and upset about the whole thing, even though it was my choice. I keep thinking is this really what I want? But then the thought of all the searching for bottles etc. But it's still so sad.