Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been there, and it's unbearable. And even if your partner stays sober, it will take a long time (years) for the fear to wear off.

Oh, reading these comments makes me so sad. I pray that it will work for you both. I remember all the feelings, the fear waiting for it to go wrong, and the pride and hope when they took steps to face the demons, knowing how much effort it takes.

My sadness is that it seems to be me taking action to step away fully from my husband that has triggered him to actually seek help from others. I gave him everything of me, and that was not enough. The problems were more than the alcohol, sobriety is not going to be enough for us to have a future now I had hope till the last few hours before I pushed the button, and I am so sad that that is gone. It is almost exactly 10 years since we got engaged (damn apple photo memories) and I am feeling so flat about my future.

hugs and hopes for all 🌺

I'm so sorry @Userqrgtyd
I'm wondering if I just need to step away but it's so hard especially with the kids. I do wonder if me stepping away would force him to find help though. Maybe it would.

@StosbyNillsAndCash I am no expert (sample size of 1), but I believe the decisions you make have to be for you and your children, and not for what he might do.

in my case there was a lot of other issues beyond the alcohol, and I now know not even the best rehab in the world would have solved them. This doesn’t make it any easier, and I am so angry at him for doing this to himself and me and our dreams, but that is all it was in the end, dreams…

@Userqrgtyd nailed it. We can't help our alcoholics, only ourselves and our DC.

And we owe it to them to give them safety and stability, which most of the time means not living with an alcoholic partner.

I know you are all right - but it's even more complicated when the alcoholic IS your DC. 😢
Love, strength and hope to us all.

@namechangiosa

I'm sorry, @namechangiosa - it must be so much harder when it's your adult child.

Have you been able to investigate support for yourself?

Not so far @NextPhaseOfLife - I know I should, but when I looked at the Al Anon page it was all meetings and none of them near me and I lost motivation. I have family support though, and my son is in rehab and trying his best.

I went to Al-Anon meetings a while ago in relation to a family member and didn't find it particularly helpful. I just felt lost. But I think it depends on the group. SMART have friends and family meetings but I haven't tried them.

SMART also lacks the religious vibe, and I think that makes it a lot easier for people to engage with it.

The group I run operates on a peer support model with no 12 step structure at all and that's why it works so well.

Just heard my husband, after a few weeks sober, fell down the stairs at a friend’s house and is now in hospital with significant injuries. The friend found an empty vodka bottle. I feel completely numb in my response. I am not rushing to him. It is just so sad.

@Userqrgtyd I am so very sorry to hear that. I hope you find yourself able to sit with your feelings and remain aware that you did everything you could.
Your detachment is a good thing. It will protect you.

@Userqrgtyd I’m so sorry. You are doing the right thing to process this in your own way. The hospital will take care of him for now.

@Userqrgtyd I'm so sorry 😞 it is very sad but I'm sure you've done "your time" trying to help him. It sounds like it's a good thing that you've managed to detach.

I'm driving myself a bit crazy because my partner did not obviously have a drink last night, but I think I could smell alcohol on his breath. I can't find any of his usual evidence though. So was I mistaken or has he just got better at hiding it?????

After approx 13 days sober he had some cider on Saturday evening, and he still has half a cider bottle in the fridge, so he didn't drink that last night. He really seemed like he'd had a few drinks though last night.

@StosbyNillsAndCash you need to stop searching for bottles. I know it's so hard when you want to believe him but the truth is you KNOW he is drinking again. You don't need to find the evidence. Leaving is very hard especially when children are involved but your life will be so much calmer without him.

This is the madness, and you haven't let go of it. You need to. Letting go, accepting that you can't control his drinking and stepping away will give you the headspace you need to think clearly about the future. Please seek some RL help if you can.

@StosbyNillsAndCash trust your instincts, you know him….and more to the point do you like him when he has had a drink? I know now that I could always tell and the lies he told were just that, and I would be on edge knowing that we were starting the downward spiral, even if for a few short hours he was full of energy and fun. In fact it was the edge of the knife, and he could fall either way. One option was hyperactive, all over me, telling the world how I was ‘the best thing that had ever happened to him’ or he would get angry. Mode 1 would never last because I would eventually need to step away and get on with my life. Mode 2 lasted much longer…….

@StosbyNillsAndCash after 15 years together you can trust yourself 100%, if you have a feeling he drank then he did. Half a bottle still in the fridge is just a decoy. It’s not helpful focusing on that as you need to detach but just wanted to say you are not going mad, be sure of that.

@Userqrgtyd interesting question. Sometimes I do, sometimes he's more relaxed and cheerful. Sometimes there's an edge where he sort of picks a fight. Yesterday he was cheerful. A couple of weeks ago he'd had a drink, and lied to me about how much he'd drunk, and then picked a small argument over something minor.

I still keep thinking what if I'm wrong and just paranoid? But I haven't smelled it on him for almost 2 weeks and I think
I think I just know now.

@StosbyNillsAndCash the smell can be covered up, or it's possible to change what he drinks to something that smells less. What can't be covered up is the look, the change in expression, the demeanour. When my late husband relapsed, I knew he was lying about having drunk because he had that tell tale glassy-eyed look, that flat tone of voice, that slight shamble in his walk. The only reason I went to check his backpack and found the empty litre bottle of vodka was that I needed to know because I had an ultimatum to follow up.

If you know, you know. Let that guide you.

I'd like to find some bottles so that I know I'm right to be honest. I can also tell by his eyes, they get sort of watery.

I'm scared that he's now going to be really clever and cover it all up too well. I don't trust him and that's really sad.

Alcoholics are sly about their drinking, and they will always lie about it so you're right -you can't trust him. Whether you can see the bottles or not, you know you're right and he is drinking again. Stop hunting for them -he will only lie, blame and make excuses anyway so there's little point in confronting him with the evidence. Instead move the focus onto you. If he is going to keep drinking, if trust has gone, what can YOU do to make your life happier than it is now?

Guess what? I found a bottle. I was right.

I'm trying to detach and look after myself. I'm going to speak to a counsellor.

So now you know that your instincts are sound, and use that to remind yourself that every denial you hear from your partner is likely to be a lie. It's a lesson pretty much all of us have had to learn the hard way, so don't beat yourself up over having had one last morsel of trust.

Seeing a counsellor is a very good idea, you deserve help. Meanwhile, every emotion you feel right now is valid; don't feel guilty about any of them. You're allowed to be hurt, angry, sad, betrayed. All of those things are part of what you have to go through when you're detaching from an addict.