Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

You may or may not know that I gave my late husband an ultimatum. And at the time I really thought that I was giving him the ultimatum. In that sense it achieved nothing because although he went into rehab (reluctantly) he never really engaged with the idea of recovery and it all went south.

However, the ultimatum did achieve something because it made me set boundaries and stick to them. When the crunch came and he relapsed - and it was the relapse into lying and deceit that did it, not the relapse into drinking - having delivered that ultimatum made me see that it also applied to me and that gave me the strength to see it through.

So the advice I would give is not to give an ultimatum until you are ready to be bound by it yourself, because it's that part of it that has the power.

Right now you aren't ready to make a decision. I don't blame you for that, it's hard. But do keep thinking it through, and put the welfare of your children absolutely front and centre every time something happens and those thoughts come back. And keep posting here, we're there for you.

in my sample size of 1, ultimatums were useless. Neither of us could hold to it. Also the only help my alcoholic would accept was when he had made a decision. I think he is sober at the moment, but it took a catastrophic series of events make it happen and I now have no contact so have no sense of whether he is really seeking help. I have found the strength now to leave (or more accurately put things in place that he can not come back). It is the hardest thing I have done in my life, and I pray that what everyone tells me will be the truth that it is the best thing also.

i echo Pointythings about posting here. It has been hugely helpful to me. 💐

Thank you all. It is very much appreciated. At the moment I feel very calm. I am just waiting for the next time I see him with a drink though. It's made me feel so strange about alcohol. I don't drink at all at home now.

Every time I see a row of bottles at a bar I feel strange looking at it and when I walk past the alcohol isle in the supermarket I feel a tiny bit anxious because it reminds me of finding bottles.

@Userqrgtyd your arguments are sound, and I think that the only reason that the ultimatum worked for me was that I was in a place where I was very clear about what the alternative option was: to carry on as we were. And my heart and my head both said a big fat NO to that. When I started attending my support group (the one I now run), one of the comments I got was that I already had good boundaries. We see a lot of people who need support to decide what they want and then put it in place.

@StosbyNillsAndCash what you're experiencing is the consequences of trauma. You may wish to consider some counselling when you have come to the resolution of your situation, whatever it may be.

I'm not sure it feels as extreme as trauma, maybe mild trauma? It feels so extreme to describe it that way but maybe I've been dealing with this for so long that I've lost sight of what is normal.

I definitely need to get some counselling over all this.

He's not drinking this evening but I keep checking the glasses and keep wanting to search for bottles. I've gone through the bins already. That's not normal behaviour is it 😳

Hi - only just found this thread and have just read bits and pieces. I know people seem to be here mostly because of partners or parents, but my person is my son. He is currently about half way through a few months in residential rehab (after a week's detox at home with me). I don't know how to support him or what to expect. I hope he will live with me for a few months (he has a flat but lives alone). He has a job which is being kept open for him. It's all very sad - I never thought I would be at this place with him - and very daunting.

It's normal behaviour for someone who has lived with an addict. And yes, what you are experiencing is trauma. Nothing mild about it, your perceptions of what is normal have been destroyed and you have been left with a feeling of constant trepidation. Trauma is not too strong a word to describe that.

@namechangiosa we have people in my RL group whose children are affected. It's the hardest thing because you have that feeling that if you refuse to enable them, you are letting them down. Finding the boundary between enabling and keeping yourself psychologically well is much more difficult.

Is your son in rehab because he actively wants to get sober? If yes, then that is a huge advantage.

Ultimately he will have to do the hard work himself when he leaves rehab. He will have been equipped with the tools and insights he needs to stay sober, but he'll need to do the follow up. For most people that means meetings, whether AA or SMART, and support from a sponsor of some kinds. For some people it can mean religion - I have seen that work for people too. But he will have to go looking for it, he will have to find it and he will have to choose to stay away from the things that trigger him to drink. That may also mean changing his friendship groups if they do not accept him as a person who is sober.

What really matters is that you do not try to do any of this for him. You can listen to him, you can be there for him, but you have to put yourself first. If that means having rules around alcohol in the house, you put them in place. If that means you make him take responsibility for his follow up, you do that. And it also means getting clear in your own head about what you will and will not accept from him in terms of behaviour, and sticking to that. This is hard enough if it's your spouse or partner; it's much harder if it's your child and you still have to do it.

I would strongly suggest you seek out some real life support for yourself so that you can talk these things through. And keep posting on this thread, you are in a safe space here.

Thank you @pointythings that is very helpful. Yes, he has actively sought this rehab - it took a long time for them to be able to fit him in (9 months) during which he was supposed to be cutting down his alcohol intake. He did well at first, but then slipped back when things seemed to be taking so long. As far as I know he is engaging with therapy there, I am allowed to visit every fortnight.

I do not drink, so there will be no alcohol in my house. Sadly, his brother does, but he understands that he can't do that in my house at the moment. My alcoholic son does live a rather solitary life which has always worried me, and he seems to socialise with his brother and his friends - it is a drinking culture - but I noticed over the months before he went into rehab, he wasn't associating with them apart from at my home where there was no drink. He was going to AA meetings but found them a bit religiousy. He doesn't drive, so he has to go to one he can get to easily. I haven't heard of SMART but will google it - presumably he will be told about it too.

He says he will be able to have 2 home visit weekends before he finishes (end of July) but when he requested one for this weekend they said he wasn't far enough along with his treatment. I have to say that from what he says, the rehab place does seem a bit like a cult - punishment chores for what seem minor things, people informing on each other, only half an hour phone/internet time a day. I don't know what to make of it really, so I can only presume they know what they are doing and that there must be a purpose behind it all.

A lot of rehab places have the 12 step programme underpinning it, which is a bit religious in nature - so I would not assume that they would tell him about SMART recovery. They have their own principles and methodology, but be aware that your son may come out looking for something that aligns more with his personal values and beliefs.

If your son naturally leans towards a more secular approach to treatment, he will need to seek them out. They operate groups online and their approach is based on CBT, aiming to address the underlying reasons why someone turns to substances. Have a look at their page and see what's available in your area:

https://smartrecovery.org.uk/

It's excellent that you have a no alcohol approach in your house, that will really help. It's also great that he has a job to come back to, filling his time and being paid/valued is incredibly important. I think you have a lot of positives going for you.

Hello. Just sliding in to take my seat at the back...

Hello, @BrightSideOfTheMoon , welcome to the thread and I hope you find it helpful.

@BrightSideOfTheMoon welcome, this thread has been hugely helpful to me, so please post when you are ready. 💐

Hi @BrightSideOfTheMoon I am new here too - only arrived a couple of days ago - and already I have had such a lot of help, information and support.

Hi @BrightSideOfTheMoon I am also new here and have had a lot of help and support. I hope you find the same here :)

Thank you for the welcome. My partner is about to detox. There has been very little, and very poor, support from our local services.

@BrightSideOfTheMoon Is he going to detox at home?

Yes, home detox.

Is he getting support with that, and is he doing it because he wants to? Does he have plans in place for staying sober post detox? Unfortunately there is very little support out there.

He wants to stop but really it's because he doesn't want to die. He has used alcohol to mitigate other issues (anxiety mostly) for many, many years, and its csaught up with him. I feel so sad about what is happening.

@BrightSideOfTheMoon it is incredibly sad to watch someone you love go through it, but he has to do it - and you have to take care of yourself, because you can't pour from an empty cup. Once he has detoxed, he's going to have to seek support to stay sober and he's also going to have to look into mental health support.
I've noticed that a lot of men's groups have sprung up around my way - if this is happening where you are too, it may be worth looking into one if there's one that feels like it's about men talking about their feelings. Once he starts addressing the reasons why he drinks, there's hope.

Thanks. I've done a fair bit of research and I know what needs to happen.

I know there is a limit to what I can do but I encourage him in his positive choices, and I am steering him to support, with some success. I am incredibly proud of him for going for this detox.

You should be, he's taking active steps to overcome his addiction. It's great that he has abandoned denial, that's the most vital first step (and the one my late husband never took). I would however see if there is some support available for you as well. It sounds as if you have done a lot of work to prepare yourself and so you're probably familiar with the idea of having good boundaries. Holding them isn't easy, though. I was very glad to be part of a RL support group when I was going through it, they kept me strong and able to protect myself and the DC.

My partner has not (to my knowledge) had an alcoholic drink for 11 days so far. But I'm on edge and paranoid and can't stop wondering when it's going to creep back in again. I just went and searched one of his hiding places which was a bit risky because it would be awkward if he'd caught me and there was nothing there but I feel all shaky and odd from doing it.