Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

I'm glad you have things in place, and your acceptance is powerful.

If it's any consolation, when things blow up for me, I spent several weeks not really eating and throwing up a lot. It's a distressing thing to go through and a physical reaction is always going to happen.

I keep wanting to text my exP, we exchanged a few messages after i dropped off his things at his door last week, he actually thanked me for putting up with him and said sorry.
I sat on my hands quite a few times and totally immersed myself into work to get him out of my head. I feel sorry for him because it cant be nice feeling lonely and drinking day in day out (if he does. I think he does though). I feel guilty i dropped him like that, there is something he asked me to help him with before we split and i feel i would like to remind him i am willing to do that if he still needs it. It’s a small thing but i also know that by texting i would open comms again and would probably see him again if he’s nice and apologetic. So my mind tells me to keep the silence though in my heart i still want to help him. Reaching out would also cost me my dignity and i’m not sure i want that. arrrgh.

@BumblebeeAndPoppy you're grieving. That's normal and healthy. Let yourself have these feelings, it's OK to be sad.

Do take time to notice those moments when you are not walking on eggshells, not worrying about what things are going to be like when you meet up with him, having the time to think about yourself. They may be few and far between now, but there will be more and more of them.

Thank you @pointythings , i feel i shouldn’t grieve as we were only together for a year but weirdly i am, at least a bit.
Yesterday i nearly gave in and sent a text cause i got worried about him. But i didn’t, i sat with that feeling and did nothing. It then passed, i got distracted with other things and relaxed - i also realised that the worry was expression of my own anxiety, i woke up feeling a bit meh and tense and got carried away with bad scenarios in my head.
Another thing is… whilst i sit here worrying about him, thinking how low he must be feeling etc, very likely he is not worrying the same way about me. I re-read some of our messages, he was quick to deny any wrongdoing or take responsibility whenever i mentioned that i was upset because of something he said/did. So why would it be different now. He is not sitting there aching to make me feel better. He hardly ever did. His default was pretty much ‘leave me alone’/‘fuck off’ in the past. Why would it be different now. It’s not.
These feeling of worry and anxiety are all
mine, i can/have to deal with them without involving him at all. He’s not waiting/wanting/yearning to be saved by me (or anyone else in fact). He is just carrying on with his chaotic life which i never had any influence or control over anyways. So i can stop worrying, it’s outside of what i can control. In the meantime, im better off focusing on things i can indeed change, that’s a much better use of my time and energy..

@BumblebeeAndPoppy I could almost exactly have written your post! Wishing you strength and positive thoughts 🌷

@Userqrgtyd i reckon it was partly because it was a long weekend as well, don’t you think? No usual stuff like work to keep me busy and perhaps you too. More time for ruminating over it all again.
Do you feel at times like you are the person who could maybe save your alcoholic, if only you could find a magic formula/words/acts. I felt like that, i was patient, let things slide or was brutally honest in hope that he will see it and fix it. But no. Yesterday i realised i am worried because i still feel responsible for him and his mental health etc. I am trying to wrap my head around the fact i don’t have the power to change things for him. Never did. It was a bit of a magical thinking on my part to think that i do and that because of me he would change. It’s not a failing on my part, i haven’t failed or messed up (though it still does feel like it at times as im
not perfect myself and have acted in silly ways too). He can be more than a drunk if he choses to but i can’t flip that switch for him. I do believe other people can have big positive influence in our lives but that is probably only when we are ready. If not, it’s like banging head against the wall (and getting hurt in the process). I am slowly embracing the thought i couldn’t have done anything differently. The outcome was always going to be the same because it was all my initiative and push, not his. It is making me feel less guilty and is liberating in a way.

I'm thinking of telling my partner that I'm seeking out outside support to deal with his drinking, is this a good/bad/neutral idea? I'm thinking that this may either shock him into dealing with it or so reaction may help galvanise my own actions.

@StosbyNillsAndCash you don't need to consider him in this at all. Seeking support is for you, not him. He is not part of your recovery, just as you are not part of his. You're still trying to 'cure' him. You can't.

@BumblebeeAndPoppy I think it has been a long time since I hoped I could ‘save’ him. For the last few months I was desperately unhappy, as I realised he was sinking into his pit, and all my efforts to help were ignored or ridiculed. Fortunately his actions precipitated our end in a way that helped me see there was no solution. According to all accounts he has now admitted some of his issues and is getting help at least pharmacologically. It doesn’t make me feel any better, because I am hurt that it took me kicking him out for him to start fixing himself. Maybe it is his rock bottom ? I’m doing my best not to care. I do miss his former self, and that is who I have to stop myself texting. (Legally he can’t contact me).

I am starting to understand what it means when people say ‘look after yourself’, I’m not very good at that yet, I am better at keeping busy and shoving the problem away, but my friends and therapist are helping.

hope you are feeling better after the weekend. 🎈

I am still in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Around 2 months ago, I finally cracked and called the police. He had been up drinking all night, shouting, swearing, playing music loudly, he was plastered even when I got up eventually at 6am, he hadn’t stopped drinking all night.

On seeing me get up he launched in to a rant about how I had ruined his evening because I had gone to bed early (because of his behaviour). I calmly explained that I wasn’t going to speak to him when he was so pissed. He sat in the garden for a while and then came in and started drinking again. By 10:30 he was even more drunk, pulling photos off the wall shouting etc so I called the police, they came and he was arrested.

In the days that followed he begged and pleaded that he would change and for a while he did, he went to alcohol services, massively reduced his drinking and the types of things he drinks (because apparently it was all red wine & gin’s fault 🙄) and was genuinely better, started working more (he is self employed and I was carrying the whole weight of the household), but things are starting to slip back now. He has stopped attending his appointments, drinking everyday again, not to full effect, red has been replaced with white, gin with beer but even still.

Last night he got pissed again and I went to bed early. I am starting to think this is my life now.

@Vacumwondering that sounds truly awful, I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

This doesn't have to be your life now, is there anyone in real life that you can trust to tell them what's happening?

@Vacumwondering well you tried didn’t you? And he tried too, a bit. But it hasn’t worked. It’s just Groundhog Day again. Maybe you have done all you can here. When you hear their bullshit excuses for what they are, its time to walk. And it will be difficult, but maybe not as difficult as you think, because making amends/ your life a misery won’t be nearly as important as getting pissed again.

@Vacumwondering it’s not a bad thing you are thinking this might be your life now. It sounds like you have tried and hoped it is not and was in a bit of a denial before. It’s a self preservation thing i think because accepting there is a big issue is scary as it means we will have to face it and make some tough decisions. Change is scary. As i can see from this thread, finding support for yourself is the key.
You can’t make him go to meetings and face his reality but you can focus on yourself. Their drinking takes over so much of our headspace. It’s like constantly trying to find solution to an impossible problem. It’s draining. There is no solution that you can impose on him that will work. But you can start looking for a solution for yourself.

@Userqrgtyd we all need to get better at looking after ourselves, i think a lot of us are not very good at it.
My exP texted me last night, I’m glad i had quite a bit of time to think about things. He wants to see me and do an activity we planned doing before breaking up. Im feeling meh about it. On one hand i feel relieved because obviously he is alive and hasn’t done anything stupid but on the other hand i’m also wary. I don’t want to up his hopes and also don’t want to get too enmeshed in it all again. I don’t want to feel responsible for him. I pretty much work on assumption that he won’t be making any changes and because of that, there is zero future. Tbh, even if he did make changes, im not sure that would be good enough.

To those wondering whether to leave their alcoholic partners, I would say, you don't want to become like my dad. Tied to the house, unable to travel to visit your own children in case the alcoholic hurts themselves. Missing out on the joy of simple companionship and love. Becoming a carer to someone who has rendered themselves disabled. Worrying about money, because the alcoholic drinks and smokes it all. Finding yourself burdened with holding up the family finances and also doing every single task around the house. Looking ahead and knowing that things will only get worse. More stressful, more shameful, more revolting and disgusting.

I can't do anything about either of them. Their choices. But I am angry.

I have been under a lot of stress lately. Right now I am angry at that foul, selfish woman. I generally ignore her as I have a lot on my plate but she keeps wittering at me over text messages about her many self-inflicted ailments and why can't the NHS wave a magic wand – instantly – and make everything ok, with no effort on her part.

She also considers herself to be very interesting, charming and eccentric. She seems to think she's like Johnny Depp (not that I like that sort of thing). I think that also enrages me, that her stupid addled brain gives her this perception. And therefore she carries on, because all that wine, whiskey and chainsmoking is extremely stylish! How daring! Wow, what a character.

She looks and sounds like Gollum.

Saying all that about your own mother. It's sad, I know it is. I need to find a way to let this anger go. It's rare that I am angry, and I don't like how it feels in my body. I just fucking hate her.

@amlie8 I second this
You need to look ahead
I've seen posts on mn for example where the poster has tolerated their partners addictions for years only for them to leave them for someone else
Chances are the addict will age much quicker and have more problems than a non-drinker
I really don't think my ex will last another year 10 years if he keeps going the way he is

@amelie don't read her text messages. Block or mute. They upset you and reading them is benefiting nobody. You say you need to let your anger go and emotional distance is probably the only way to achieve that. Keep reminding yourself that your dad doesn't have to live like this. Getting so distressed on his behalf is pointless. He has chosen to put his wife before his own needs and worse, before his relationship with his children. He's enabling her. But he is an adult and as you say, these are his choices. It's terribly hard I know, but you need to try and step away.

@amlie8 it's hard when it's your family. My Db was an alcoholic and made life so hard for all of us . I had a few counselling sessions which really helped me distance myself from him and from the situation . It's devastating but agree with PP that you have to disengage. You can't manage other people's choices

@amlie8 if you can take a step back emotionally, do it. Self preservation is not selfish.

I don't often talk about my mother on here because my first and pivotal experience with an alcoholic was with my husband but yeah... I got hit with it twice. My mum started drinking heavily when my dad was diagnosed with Parkinsons's at the age of 68. She did always have an issue with alcohol due to serious PTDS - she lived through some really really awful times in WW2, and of course that generation didn't do mental health. The alcohol was always there, my dad was her anchor and when that was lost, she lost her bearings. She didn't want bereavement support, she didn't want help, she just wanted to drink herself to death and eventually she managed it.

it’s been an interesting few days. I’ve been back in the area we lived in for about 8 years. There was some hard moments when I was driving past places with good memories, but then seeing people who knew my husband and the stories of when they knew he was drunk. When he asked a friend to get alcohol for him and the swore at him when he couldn’t find it, neighbours who hardly knew us ‘wondering’. All painful, but helpful for me to understand that I’ve done the right thing walking away. So this morning I feel better about things (probably won’t last, but I’ll take it for now…..)

@Userqrgtyd that sounds like a really helpful thing to have done.

It wasn't until my husband's funeral that I realised how many people around us knew about his addiction - pretty much everyone he worked with for starters, and I found out what I always knew - that he drank at work, had done for years, had bottles in his backpack. I only found out eventually because he got so sloppy about hiding them.

And yes, it hurt and it made me feel worse in one way, but that confirmation that I'd done the right thing all along was invaluable. Well done you for facing that.

Hi I hope everyone is OK and has had a good week.

I've had some hard conversations with my partner recently. This week he appears to be trying to stay off the drink and I feel horrible to be saying this but I'm just wondering how long it will last. Previously it's almost been a relief when I found bottles again because I can stop wondering.

He would usually have an "obvious" drink on a Friday evening and he hasn't tonight (that I can see) and he's definitely more tense and snappy with the kids than he would have been if he'd had a drink.

@StosbyNillsAndCash so he's white knuckling it. That is very unlikely to be a long term solution - if he's going to succeed at sobriety, he needs to be looking at the reasons why he drinks excessively, and that takes support. So that leaves you in the situation where you can't relax because you're worrying about if (when) he starts drinking again. Does he have any intention of seeking support? Because if not, nothing is going to change and you need to carry on working towards leaving.

I'm trying to get my head around the idea of splitting.

I keep thinking "it's not massive amounts" because compared to others it seems that way. There's the lying and hiding it though.

You're right to think the quantities don't matter. What matters is how it affects him - the fact that he can't be a decent human being around his DC is a massive red flag. The lying and hiding are also bad.

And you have to remember that alcohol dependency is progressive. He's functioning now, but that won't last forever. And a non-functioning alcoholic is hell to be around.

I've been reluctant to give an ultimatum because I feel like that's a lot of responsibility on my shoulders, and if his health and sobriety rely on our relationship I think that's not healthy.
I really want him to realise for himself that he needs help, as I think he does, but I wonder if I should have pushed harder...but then what if I push him towards help that is not right for him?