Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

My senses tell me to keep quiet and let this bubble over because if i don’t i will be going through the same soon enough. It’s been a few weeks we haven’t spoken now so i feel half way there. Why start the whole thing again when i’m near the finish line.

He’s been drinking well before he met me and i probably won’t be able to make a difference.
You definitely won't be able to make a difference. You didn't cause his drinking, can't control it and you certainly can't cure him. He's kidding you and himself on and maybe eventually he will realise that he has to stop drinking but nothing you say or do will help or hinder. His bad choices are not your responsibility.

Your insight is remarkable. Follow it and walk away. You deserve someone who can be an equal partner.

Apologies if i sound like a self indulgent twat in my waffle.. I have been looking at myself and why ended up with this person in the first place and i realised (with help of this and other forums) that i do have a slight need to save people.
When we first met he shared some deeply personal stuff about his childhood. I now realise that it was my trigger (along with him being attractive of course) and somewhere i thought he is such a lovely guy, all he needs is someone to love him out of all the trauma he’s been through. I felt like i bonded to him very quickly over that information and it lowered all my boundaries because you know, if i’m nice and loving enough and oversee odd things here and there he will heal and emerge like a beautiful butterfly from his cocoon. I was more than willing to put up with stuff because of the happy ending i pictured in my mind.
Interestingly, relationship i had before this guy started similarly. Early on that particular person shared something very personal and traumatic that happened to him. I now see a pattern and i honestly didn’t realise i have this trigger in me.
I honestly didn’t know i can be such an idiot. I always thought i was strong and no nonsense person. I am also divorced and thought i am meeting new ppl with my eyes fully open. But i had no clue i had that trigger in me

@BumblebeeAndPoppy I am the same, I thought I was emotionally intelligent, but give me a trauma memory and I would put them first, to the extent that I would not spot manipulation or mawkish sentimentality. We can’t save people, only ourselves, and that’s actually very liberating. I’m helping someone through a relationship breakdown currently, and this new insight has stopped me getting caught up in the drama, neglecting myself, becoming partisan. I’ve been able to focus on the useful things, like making sure they stay grounded and eat. It’s been interesting. I’ve made a deliberate choice to maintain all my usual commitments, not apologised for that, and I’ve seen that they got a bit miffed at first but it has actually put their crisis in context, and helped because it emphasised the importance of routine. If they feel shit and then don’t eat or sleep, Its not gonna feel better is it . My life is important too. And so is yours. How often did your lovely chap ask about you and your day?

I think part of it is that women are socialised to be nurturers, so when we meet someone who should be the bearer of a million red flags, we default to being needed and wanted instead. With hindsight, my two best relationships were with men who absolutely did NOT need me in any way. They were short, sweet and ended amicably, and we are still friends. My first relationship was a little different, more a matter of possibly right man but wrong time, but my other relationship beside my marriage was definitely one of the 'me as carer' ones.

Learning and really believing that I was allowed to put myself first was incredibly liberating. I reckon I'll be single for the rest of my life (I'm 56) and that's absolutely fine.

@pointythings absolutely. My Dh is lovely and always has been. My father showed me clearly to avoid anyone like him. But if I wasn't with my Dh, I wouldn't be looking for anyone else. And I’m setting clear boundaries with my adult dc and wider network.

Can I join? I'm so worried about what to do about my partner. I've posted a few times in other threads that he is drinking and hiding how much he is drinking. He is not drinking massive amounts but more than is healthy, and he is being open about some drinking and hiding the true amount he is drinking. So he's lying to me. I know he must be hurting to do this, but I don't want to live a lie and then end up dealing with the consequences further on down the line.

I know I can't keep worrying and ruminating and need to do something, this is more a mini rant for now.

Rant away. How much is he drinking?

@StosbyNillsAndCash how long have you been together and is there anything that is tying you together like kids/house?
With my now exP, he was occasionally open about his drinking and amounts he mentioned horrified me tbh. But more often than not i didn’t ask and he wasn’t talking about it. But that was constantly on my mind, i just knew that mentioning it too often will lead to him being annoyed and upset. We had some good times going out and doing stuff but there was always pub involved. Tbh, i don’t think we ever spent time together without a drink. I got fed up with it and would drink tea when he was over but that made me feel weird like i am trying to rub into his face that he drinks and im not.
Do you do things together that doesn’t involve alcohol?

We've been married 15 years, together for 25 (!). Two children and a house.....so it's complicated 😥 I've been burying my head in the sand about it, I think for a while I thought it was my fault because we've had other problems.

He will drink say a bottle and a half of wine plus a large spirit measure....but he will pretend like he has only had a glass or two of wine. But that's not happening every night, probably 2 or 3 times a week. So not terrifying amounts, but certainly unhealthy. And he's lying to me.

I don't drink in the house any more but I'm definitely more withdrawn from him when he's drinking
.

Didn't want to leave your post unanswered, I know how much I value the feedback from this forum. I am very early in my journey from separating from my alcoholic, there are many here with much more wisdom and experience. Never think it is your fault, he is responsible for his own actions, and any changes will come when he wants to change. THat is really hard if you are a 'fixer'. Hugs.

Thank you. I was thinking yesterday that maybe if I'd worked less since the kids were small then maybe he wouldn't have turned to drink to cope...but who knows?

I've struggled today because I've been feeling so angry with him for putting me in this position. I'm just waiting for the next time he has a drink and I'll be paranoid looking for the hidden empties.

I'm feeling so alone with all this.

Thank you. I was thinking yesterday that maybe if I'd worked less since the kids were small then maybe he wouldn't have turned to drink to cope...but who knows?

These are all things that you go through when you live with someone who is alcohol dependent. I read your posts and I see myself in the runup to 2017 - all of the things you are feeling are normal and part of a progression that you more or less have to go through before coming to a decision that is best for you.

Always remember the three Cs: You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it.

The only person responsible for your OH's alcohol use is him - whether or not it comes from trauma (it usually does). The only person who can save him is him.

Your anger is valid. Your need to check for hidden bottles is valid. That doesn't mean these responses are healthy, but they are part of the progress. When you stop feeling angry and stop feeling the need to check for empties, you've moved to the next step, which is detachment. Detachment is one of the milestones because it puts you in a place where you can make decisions.

I would strongly recommend that you seek some real life support - because you are not alone. There's Al-Anon but that isn't for everyone (it wasn't for me) but if you want a more mental health based approach there's SMART Family & Friends. You may also have unaffiliated groups local to you - organisations like MIND and Turning Point may know about these, as may the CAB.

Please also feel free to PM me if you want to vent one to one. I don't want you to feel like I did when I was in it.

@pointythings thank you. That's much appreciated. Am I remembering correctly that you're not with your alcohol dependent partner any more?

I thought I was detaching but I keep yo yo ing and hoping it will get better. I feel so guilty. He's drinking tonight and I'm driving myself crazy wondering where the extra empties are :(

I have tried one al anon meeting (online) and I'm not sure it is for me. I will try another and some other organisations.

@StosbyNillsAndCash detaching is a process and it takes time. It took me almost 7 years to do it, I hope you manage it faster!

I'm not with my alcoholic husband anymore - things went very bad and he moved out with police involvement, and he was dead 8 months later. But honestly, traumatic as it all was, my life without him has been so much better. The peace of not having to fret about how much someone is drinking, what state they're going to be in, how it's going to affect the children - it's mind blowingly different.

The fact that you are ven thinking about detaching shows you are making progress. Try SMART, they are more secular than Al-Anon. And any group that makes you feel you 'owe' it to your OH to stay and support them is one to walk away from.

I run a local independent support group. We have people who have left, people who have stayed, people whose loved ones have found recovery and people who are still deep in it and learning to detach. All we do is help people feel not alone and support them in finding a way that is best for them.

@pointythings I'm so sorry, you did mention that on another thread.

I really appreciate you sharing that as it must have been awful.

I will give SMART a try. The sticking point I had with Al Anon was that they seemed so passive, which I kind of get but I just don't get how you can detach from someone because of the alcohol misuse but continue to be a proper partner to them.

You can't be a proper partner to someone in addiction. You become a carer. It kills the part of the relationship that is about love, sex, fun, equality and responsibility. If the person in addiction finds recovery, the relationship can recover too - this happened to my sister and her partner who is now 12 years sober. If the recovery doesn't happen, the relationship doesn't recover either. It can continue, but it will not be the same because the balance is gone.

@pointythings and the 'caring' you end up doing is counter-productive, as it just enables the alcoholic to keep drinking, while you pick up the pieces and mop up the mess and pretend to friends, colleagues and neighbours everything's fine, and go steadily more insane.

I hope everyone is doing OK. I'm about halfway through reading "How to help them beat the booze" which is interesting. I'm finding this all mentally tiring, almost like a form of grief.

I'm really struggling at the moment. It is just over 3 months since my alcoholic left my life, and I have been dealing with a real tsunami of sadness, regret, and anxiety over the last week or so. A number of unavoidable things keep bringing him back to the forefront of my mind, and then I just start to spiral and cry and rant. It just is all so unfair, and I am so cross and angry with him. I am anxious at the prospect of the various legal steps to be taken, and the fact that they will continue to put him back in my life when I just don't want to see or hear his name again. It would be easier if I hated him, but I still love the old version of him. I came the closest I have been since he left to texting last night, I didn't, but it scares me how easy that would be.

I have lots of good things planned over the next 10 days, I hope that will put him far enough away that I can enjoy them.

Thank you for listening to my rant - it so helps to put my thoughts out to witnesses, who would firmly tell me to stay strong - I need all the help I can get.

@Userqrgtyd I'm sorry things are so tough for you. The process of detaching from your addict hurts and it's something you have to get through. Do you have any real life support? Now is the time to lean on everything you have.

But yes, stay strong. This is you saving yourself. It's bloody hard, but the rewards are waiting for you.

@pointythings thank you! Yes I do have the most wonderful real life support, I am with my best friend over the weekend, and we will be able to talk it out, and I have an appointment with my therapist early next week.

I can feel the physical impact of the grief and anxiety as it comes over me, it is like nothing I have felt before, and I have to let the wave crash over me and pass. I know it will, and I do my best to hold my breath while it does (or actually breath and focus on something in my environment).