Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

@Valleypop
I really hope this has shocked him enough to really really do everything he can
He already sounds more determined than my ex ever was who just offered the odd token AA meeting whilst still telling me this was my issue and he wasn't an alcoholic blah blah blah
Just make it absolutely clear that this is his absolute one and only last chance .

@fedup078 are you running child maintenance through CMS? It may be the only way if he keeps dicking you around, though if he isn't working you won't get much anyway.

You're so well out of it all!

Yes it's through cms now
He's working a pretty good job considering
And he's still trying every trick in the book to reduce and delay payments

@fedup078 what a piece of shit.

A few months ago, I wondered if I might be able to come back here and share a tale of salvation. Errr, no. I didn't wonder for long, because things never change.

Mum stopped drinking for two months. Still quite 'dry drunk' but had started behaving more normally, attending a local craft group for example, and walking more.

Well, didn't last long. Back to drinking, wallowing in self-pity and displaying really quite monstrous levels of self-centredness.

She is hiding drink, has clearly switched to spirits in secret while pretending to only drink wine. And her behaviour is becoming more utterly embarrassing and inappropriate. Obsessions with local people. Writing mad letters to the GP surgery.

I have just had several big life moments. Really amazing news. The sorts of things any normal person dreams of for their child, that they really delighted about.

Her? She doesn't give a shit. Hasn't mentioned them. Doesn't ask questions about them. No interest what-so-fucking-ever.

That's alongside her endless demands of my father and her expectation that his only point in life is to earn money for her to have whatever she likes. He works, cooks, cleans, does everything. She lies on the sofa all day.

I can never untangle it. How can a person be so obscenely self-centred and selfish? It revolts me. It's fucking disgusting. It's anti-social, anti-love, anti-human.

I wish I knew why. It seems to be a mixture of a bad personality, years of drinking and probably also the numbing/empathy-killing effects of medication.

Sorry to hear that @amlie8
My mother did the same
She used to hide a bottle of Bacardi somewhere in the kitchen
We never did find out where
It's makes people so utterly bloody selfish

I'm so sorry, @amlie8 . Do you think your mother may now also be suffering from alcohol related brain damage or Wernicke- Korsakoff's? Is your dad at all receptive to the idea of making changes or seeking help?

@fedup078 It's always strikingly similar, isn't it!

@pointythings Hmm. She was prescribed thiamine last year, so hospital clearly thought it was a risk. I wouldn't say she's confused at all. She's laser-sharp about what she wants. I said her letters were mad, but they are legible and clear in what she wants. She definitely fits the bill for some symptoms, but she has a litany of physical issues caused by lifestyle. She also takes masses of prescribed drugs for all sorts of things, and I expect there are side effects mixed in too.

Her behaviour has always been not-quite-appropriate. I think that's a personality thing. She lacks empathy. I would go as far as saying she lacks theory of mind. The rest of us are here to provide her with things, and our own desires/wants/problems are completely irrelevant. Whether that's caused by alcohol, prescription drugs or innate personality, I don't know. Her family are similar. There's something missing. My dad once referred to it as a flatness.

@pointythings forgot to respond to your question about my dad. We all know he's enabling. He knows it. But he's resigned to the situation. He cannot bring himself to eg put limits on her spending. He would never leave/divorce her. He fears the upheaval, financial implications etc. And he morally doesn't believe in leaving.

@fedup078 would supervised access not be a possibility? If he is constantly shaking uncontrollably surely social services would agree he isn't in a fit state to look after a child. One would hope...

@CharlotteByrde ss could not have been less interested
I've looked down every avenue, I've had solicitors involved
But it's one of those things where nothing can be done until something bad actually happens

@fedup078 that is so frustrating-and scary.

@CharlotteByrde I know
I quite often post on threads where ppl want to leave addicts and they have children , in order to tell them to collect evidence if they can as if the other party wants custody it's not easy to prove and even if they do f*ck up like my ex then it still doesn't prove he's a danger .

When we split he had a high up job in education and a clean record . He told me he'd drag me through court and tell everyone I was crazy. He's now lost his license and his job but somehow managed to get another outside of the uk . Which is why he only now sees him every other weekend .

If I had dragged him through the courts
and spent £10ks I'd have probably ended up with the same outcome anyway .

It's not technically against the law to be drunk in your own home with your kids .

Sorry name change fail

I know, but find it infuriating. SS know very well that alcoholics are totally focused on drink and aren't able to put their children first. It's all very well when there's another, sober, parent there to pick up the pieces but alcoholics shouldn't be allowed sole care. It just isn't safe. And they know that. I just don't get why they allow it.

Almost 3 weeks on now, and I am keeping my head above water. I am close to instructing a solicitor for the divorce and am waiting on the police to hear if he will be charged. I drove past the turning off the motorway to where I think he is staying and screamed. It is absolutely visceral the feeling that 10 years of life has been written off by his drinking, and I am left grieving someone who said I was the love of their life and the best thing that ever happened to them…..but the drink was more important, and meant that he could not suppress his true personality any longer. Or alcohol changed him into someone else. Whatever it is all gone and I am battling the ‘what ifs’ today.

@Userqrgtyd everything you are feeling is part of the grieving process. You may feel that you're going mad, but I promise you that you're not. This is all still very new. Have you got people you can talk to in real life? It's really important to open up to your friends and tell them how things are because you need and deserve support right now.

It does get better. It really does.

@pointythings thank you, yes I do have real life support, and they are all being amazing.

Then keep talking to them and keep posting on here. It's best to let these feelings out. You will be OK, and until you are it's one day at a time.

@Userqrgtyd I think drinking robs people of who they are. I’m so sorry. You sound like you are being incredibly level headed and doing all the painful things you know you need to do. Hang on in there - I’m pleased you have real life support

I've posted here before and hoped I wouldn't have to but here we are again. DH began the year by doing dry january, continued into february, even attended 2 AA meetings and I was so pleased. But
mid Feb we went out for lunch with his dad and stepmum, his entire family are big drinkers so he hadn't told any of them, just that he had done dry Jan. The waiter accidentally brought 2 pints over, FIL said DH could have the other. I didn't feel I could argue with him in front of everyone, so DH drank it. Stupidly I said that was fine, occasionally, but no booze at home etc. It crept up again, went out for beers with colleagues, then it was "a few beers" at home on Fridays. My red line that I have repeatedly told him is please, whatever you do please don't hide booze from me, ie leave out 2 empty cans in the recycling visible but hide the rest so you drink more than you are letting on, and please no drinking on Sundays as it is really triggering back to the lowest point when he would lock himself in the kitchen cooking the roast and when we all sat down he'd be so drunk he'd be almost asleep and I'd have to deal with all 3 kids alone as he passed out.

Well after drinking at home on Thursday, Friday and Saturday, we want over to MILs for breakfast. DH stepdad asked him if he wanted whiskey in his coffee (i told you they were big drinkers). DH said yes, "just one". When we left MIL gave me a bottle of champagne, bless her for Mother's Day. I actually thought well that will be nice to have a glass together.

Except DH was cooking a special roast, and guess what when I went into the kitchen he was drinking a beer. I asked, is that your first. The other thing I have said is I always know when you're drinking so please don't lie. He said yes this my first. Except I checked the bin and there were 5 cans in there.So I've hidden the champagne. He's passed out on the sofa and I've come to bed. The sad thing is, he really made a nice effort with Mother's Day and got me some lovely things and helped the kids with cards, coffee in bed etc.

It makes me feel like I'm losing my mind. Like going through the bin - that's not normal is it. Why can't I just let it go?

Just to add. I barely drink. The champagne I thought vaguely maybe I might have one, but in reality i don't want it. I quit drinking in 2020 when i first realised DH had a problem, hence the username. I thought if I gave up he might cut down.

@2020in2020 it isn't about you letting go. It isn't about you at all. It's about your husband being addicted to alcohol. Remember the 3Cs: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it.

By looking in the bin, all you are doing is torturing yourself. You're still trying to control his drinking, you're trying to stop him. You can't. You can't help him, all you can do is help yourself.

Think about what you want your life to look like. You can keep going like this, forever fretting about your husband's drinking and letting him drag you down to rock bottom with him, or you can help yourself. You've now seen what happens - your husband can't stop drinking. He hasn't, deep down, acknowledged that he cannot drink moderately so you will be forever on this rollercoaster of periods of sobriety and relapse. Is that what you want?

If it isn't, you need to start preparing to walk away. I promise you, life without an alcoholic in it is infinitely better.

First time poster.

I'm just furious with my Mother, she has had a drinking problem for about 15 years. At the time I was a student still living at home and dealt with the brunt of her depression and drinking. She was offered and refused lots of help during this time. I definitely resent her for her behaviour and am really uncomfortable being around her now while she drinks. I don't think she drinks daily anymore, but she does binge drink at weekends and social occasions. This has been noticed and addressed by pretty much everyone in her life.

I haven't lived at home now for about 10 years and have recently started my own family. I generally only see her during the day, however since I am her only child living in the country I feel I have to see her for all holidays/birthdays etc. Usually we just include her in whatever we are doing with my ILs (who of course enjoy a drink at these occasions). For the past year I've asked her not to drink or to take it easy at social occasions and she's behaved OK, so I felt that I didn't need to remind her last week before Mother's Day.

This was my first Mother's Day after a couple years of infertility, I was really looking forward to it and we invited DM and ILs over for dinner. Of course she just can't help herself and got drunk. Making inappropriate jokes etc.

I just don't want a relationship with her anymore and have told her she is not welcome in my home until she gets her problem sorted. She is selfish and manipulative and is responding that she will get sober 'with my support'. I do not want to support her, to be honest she isn't even good company sober (gives out about people, judgey etc.). I honestly feel that I would be happier without her in my life but that makes me feel terrible.

I don't even know what 'support' would look like. I have no idea how much she is drinking day to day. She wouldn't be drunk when I see her during the week, but I know she does get drunk on weekends since she's often drunk on the phone to my sister at these times. Also her partner has asked her to stop drinking in the last year or so, so it's definitely a frequent occurence.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice for how to deal with this 'type' of alcoholic who just binge drinks a few times a week? Am I a horrible person for not giving my support. She says I'm alienating her but I'm just too angry to see or talk to her to be honest.

@AmusedSquid it took me over 20 years to finally go nc with my alcoholic mother
I would only ever hear from her when she was drinking and she'd be trying to dish out guilt trips and spouting shite.
She died a few years later and I still don't regret going nc
You can only tolerate so much and now you have your own family to think of
I wouldn't have let my mother spend time with my dc had she not died a week after he was born .
Try going low contact at first .
You can't support her she has to do this for herself. It's no one else's job unless of course she engages in professional help .
Sorry you're going through this