Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

So my Mom is having surgery today to fuse her 2 fractured vertebrae and she may have some nerve damage.

I feel so awful for being angry at her because I know she is in pain and suffering so badly. I'm not angry anymore I'm just sad, and sad that I've had to spend virtually the whole of my Christmas visit without her. I love her so much, I just desperately want her to get better.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be that after 2 days of being in the hospital she's starting to withdraw and is in the best possible place to get help and medication for the symptoms. She's saying now she doesn't want to drink when she comes home and I'm over the moon but still cautious because she's said that before and has gone back to drinking. Difference now is that she physically can't go searching the house or running out to get more. It's probably the best chance she's got at getting sober for good.

Crossing everything and praying!

Hi everyone. Reaching out for some support. My husband has been an alcoholic for years. He says it's because I started to give him less attention when the kids were born and this made him depressed. I thought he had stopped drinking but two weeks ago I found his empties in the recycling. With hindsight all the signs were there for months but I thought it was work stress. We have two young kids. There have been times over recent months when he has driven I'm a scary way with the kids in the car and now I wonder if he was drunk then.

How do you cope?! I have barely slept for weeks. I'm so worried about him. He is still drinking every day. I want him to get better but I don't know if it's possible. I'm so scared of him hurting the children. There is so much I don't know about what has been going on and he is refusing to talk to me. He's been drunk when he has spoken on the phone to the kids. I'm just in pieces and desperately trying to keep it together in front of the kids, then spend all night crying and worrying.

You need to get support to help you deal with the enormous stress and anxiety that life with an addict brings. There's Al-Anon, or if you feel 12 steps aren't for you (they aren't for me), there's SMART Friends & Family, which is fully secular.

Your husband blames you for his drinking and he drinks in secret. Both these things are bad signs in terms of whether he will find recovery. You need to be prepared to fully protect yourself and your DC from his influence. Having a parent who is addicted has a massive negative impact on children. This is already happening, and in your situation I would seriously consider separating.

You need to start getting your ducks in a row - make sure you are fully up to speed with all family finances, make sure you have all key documents accessible, preferably in a place where he won't think of looking. Look into alternative accommodation in case you need to leave. Investigate solicitors - the possibility that this is the end of your marriage is sadly very real.

And however sad and difficult this is (and it is), life without an alcoholic in it is so much better than what you have now. Good luck.

Feeling quite sad tonight as a friend who has withdrawn and slowly cut herself off from the world has got an urgent referral with a liver specialist, her skin is yellow. I feel like I should have done more but she started lying a long time ago and clearly didn’t want help. She looks so unhealthy and that was before turning yellow. She’s got no get up and go, everything is a chore with no joy in life. No point to this post, feel a bit better saying it out loud then letting it swirl in my head 😞

@userxx I am so very sorry. The sense of helplessness you feel watching someone self-destruct is awful. You know there wasn't anything you could have done, but you may benefit from talking to someone about it, and of course you can always post here - we're all listening.

@pointythings that’s exactly it, sitting by and watching someone self destruct whilst their life becomes empty and joyless, things that mattered just don’t anymore. It’s so so sad and far too common. Bastard alcohol.

Back here after a long while. I called 999 on Monday night and he was arrested after escalating violence and anger. I have a practical thread running. The support I am getting from the police has been wonderful. So much to work out now, but I am so sad, he has nothing now, and everything we/I hoped for has gone. I know I did the right thing, but it is so hard. Alcohol abuse is a cruel thing, it changes people you love and all you can do is watch helplessly till it plays out.

I am so sorry this has happened to you - I have been exactly there and it is the hardest thing. But you're here, you're alive and now you can start to heal. I hope you have sought help; if nit, now is the time. Meanwhile if you want to vent in private, you can pm me.

I’m sorry - I agree, it is terribly cruel.

It Is exactly a week on from when I called 999. I’m not going to lie, I am a mess, but the one huge relief is that I finally said no, this is not the life I want to live. I have been me, more than I have been for years. The eggshells are gone, and I begin to realise that the man I love had been swallowed by a version of him that was hateful and although he said he loved me, in reality he could not deal with the fact I was stronger than him and sought to control and abuse me, as I have spoken with friends that has become clear. Now I have to heal and fight for what is my future life of freedom. Thank you all for your support x

Take some time if you can to take on the peace of his absence. No more eggshells to walk on. Treat yourself to something nice that is just yours, a symbol of a new life ahead. I was very broke when mine went but bought some pretty dinner plates end of line - they still symbolise my fresh start. You will heal from this and you will be well again.

Thinking of you. You’ve done the hard bit, doesn't mean that it’s easy now, but you can start putting your needs first. Try and take a walk somewhere green every day, very calming.

Just wanted to send you love and strength. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. There were times I wanted to do the same, but wasn’t strong enough to go through it.

Forgive me, ranting away to strangers. I can’t get out of my head how alone he must feel now. Pretty much everyone in our old life is slowly freezing him out. He is the one with one bag and a car staying somewhere (no idea where). I have the dogs, house and the life I tried so hard to build for us. I know I did not cause it, I couldn’t control or cure it……now he is facing the consequences. Even his best friend is still talking to me…….in the small hours I feel pity for him, Then I remember the shit and the pain, and have to work the equation in my mind that even though there were still even in the last few weeks there were a few good moments and professions of love, they are overshadowed by the violence and anger.

This thread is a safe place for you to rant and vent to people who know what it's like. Don't ever feel bad about coming on here and ranting. It's part of your own recovery.

The guilt of seeing someone you love self destruct is awful. But the alternatives are infinitely worse.

Hello

I have just came across this thread and I’m looking for support . I am wary of posting as I don’t want to be identified and I also know sometimes people can be a bit harsh on MN. I am not looking for people to tell me I’m not safe or to leave - I have a support network , I am not a weak person , I can keep my children safe .. I just want support from others going through this .

My husband is an alcoholic. It’s quite upsetting to write that , even though I have known for a long time . We have been married a long time and I have always known he drinks a bit much , but it’s never actually affected our life until this past year. He cheated on me when drunk and we went through counselling etc and everything was good ( that’s a very long story cut very short ) . At that point I knew the alcohol was to blame and I should have then confronted it but instead he said he would cut down. He did but slowly it went back up . Our social life always involves drinking but then it gets to a point in the night where he is in a bad mood or just annoying - but nothing aggressive etc just a point of not knowing when to stop ( I enjoy a drink but I can take it or leave it . I’m the sort that has a couple of glasses and wants to go home to bed but he wants to carry on the party and we end up going to someone else’s house and then I find it’s 3am and I’m just sat tired wanting to go home ).

It came to a head 12 days ago . Whilst drunk he started arguing with me , admittedly I did shout back but I wasn’t drunk . I did get in his face - no excuse - but then he pushed me by my throat. It was quick and I immediately left. He has never been violent , ever . But the look in his eyes when he did it , it wasn’t him , I know it was but I mean I had never seen that look. I have read enough to know that that needs to be the first and last time . I categorically know that he would never hurt me when sober and this is why I know it’s a problem - the drink did it and the fact is I’m not safe around him when he drinks .

The next day I told him we are over . He has a vague memory of it and is full of shame . He believes he tried to strangle me. I did not play it down and say “ no it was just a push “ because who knows ? I had a quick reflex and jumped back but his hand went to my throat . Had I been standing in a different way or not had that quick reflex , could it have been that? Was that his intention? So I said yes and that could have ended up so differently than it has . He was crying and apologising , I got his family involved. They said to me they had concerns over his drinking and believe he is an alcoholic and I agreed but I said I didn’t want an intervention . If he didn’t recognise it himself after this then it’s not the point where he will seek help and I can’t wait around for that point. He then begged me to talk to him and listen to what he had to say so I went home with his mom and brother . There he said he knows he is an alcoholic and wants to stop . He was very open , he said he had been drinking more than I knew ( not in the day time but most nights he comes home with a bit of drink and he will drink and after I go to bed and he watches a film then he will go to bed . He’s never drunk from what I see but it turns out he actually sneaks more drink in and drinks after I go to bed ) therefore spending more . When I think he’s a bit short as he’s had a higher phone bill or paid more towards his credit card that’s not true it’s gone on alcohol .

He went to an AA meeting that day and has been a few times since . I know that to be true as I’ve taken him and I know he hasn’t touched alcohol as I know when he has and I also know he couldn’t stop if he had . He’s been coming to bed with me , not taking any money out with him etc . He’s contacted the NHS for support and seems adamant that he wants to be completely sober . He has cut off the friends he drinks with and told them why. He’s making attempts to change his lifestyle ( joined a gym , walking , more DIY ) I have told him this is the very last chance , I won’t stick around for relapses - if he drinks one drop again we are done because I will never , ever be around him when he’s drank ever again . I have also stopped drinking - this isn’t a big deal to me I don’t like drinking and it won’t affect my life but I feel that his lifestyle needs to change and I’m part of that and I want to support him . I actually don’t want to ever drink again , even if we split , as I’ve seen throughout my life that it’s poison ( my mother is an alcoholic ) .

I would just love some advice on how I can support him . Has anyone been through this ? Can it be done , is there any hope for us ? Because I’ve never been more sure of anything than I am about the fact that if he drinks again we are over .

edit to add - my children were not present . They are older anyway but He’s very good at hiding , if you asked them they would say he doesn’t drink as they don’t really see it

@Valleypop you've taken all the steps you need to take - well done, you've drawn your boundaries and I believe you will stick to them.

You've already done the single most important thing you needed to do - give up drinking yourself so 1) he can't accuse you of being a hypocrite, and 2) you're taking temptation out of his way. I'd recommend not having any alcohol in the house at all.

Apart from that it's 100% on him to do the hard work here. He needs to continue doing AA. He needs to be open and honest with you. He also needs to address the reasons why he drinks excessively and why he is angry - a self referral for counselling would really help.

The throat grab really is serious. It means that you can't let him have any more chances at all. I hope you know that. My late husband threatened to kill me and I called the police - they took him away and I never let him back.

Hello @Valleypop . That is a lot for you to process. I love that you have been open with the family No judgement from me. I would just say that from now on, resolve to ask yourself first how you feel, what this means for you, and your children of course. Addiction makes people selfish. He needs to know that everything isn’t about him. I made such a big deal every time my relative said they were stopping, only to be accused of a lack of support when I didnt cheer wildly for every minute passed without a drink, and I didn’t accept it when the lies and excuses started up. When I was reported to the Police ( really!) because I expressed disappointment that they had discharged themselves 12 hours into a medical detox, I realised that I was much more invested in their recovery than them. And that doesn’t work. I hope this is the crunch moment for your husband.

Thank you for your reply . You are right , he can have no more chances . I have seen that anger and I am not safe around him when he drinks and that means that my children would not be either and I will not put them in danger . There is no alcohol in the house .

x

Thank you . Yes I have seen how unbelievably selfish it can make them . You are right that I need to think of me and the children , I think I’ve gone into a mode where I’m worrying about him and it’s all about his recovery but like you say , it needs to work for me and my children . He’s been selfish and thought of himself , I can do that too.

I really hope this is crunch time and he can do it because at the moment I kind of feel as though it’s the beginning of the end for us which is really upsetting me - I feel like he won’t be able to stick to it and I’ll leave if he doesn’t and I don’t want to feel like this but it’s like it’s inevitable x

@Valleypop one more thing, and it's probably the most important. Your husband's recovery, if he wants it, is his to own. You have done your bit by not drinking yourself. The rest is for him to do.

You must now put yourself and the children first. Caring for yourself is not selfish. It's the single most important thing you can do to make yourself strong for the future, whatever it is. When I gave my husband the ultimatum that I followed through, I told him explicitly that the kids were my number one priority, yhdn me, and he was a distant third. He needs to know that you will not enable his addiction anymore.

Thank you. I completely agree with everything you have said Xx

@ForAFriend123 This is absolutely my life to a T. I enjoy a glass of rose in the evening but dare not put it in the fridge or it will be gone (any time of day). He drinks vodka in the morning and blames his new antidepressants ‘I’m out of the game on these’ whilst taking himself back to bed for a couple of hours before rinse and repeat. The ketones…. I have been searching for an answer why he smells so bad. It seems to ooze out his pores and I can smell every room he has been in. He refuses to take any advice from me, his daughter, his GP or any of his family. Of course I am a shit wife who never offers any support whatsoever and I hear him on the phone to his mates telling them as much while I’m in the room which I find so disrespectful. You’re right. It doesn’t look great written down.

@Dmsatdawn if he is constantly smelling of ketones, he is in a very serious condition. You probably know that drinking will make his antidepressants completely ineffective, because alcohol is a depressant. Your OH is beyond your help - you need to help yourself now by getting out of this relationship.

Just an update from me

Exh is 1 year into his 3 year driving ban
He's had to go work in another country after losing his job for apparently going into work on anti- depressants and having a funny turn , work 'thought' he was drunk and paid him off (my arse)
He gave up trying to gaslight me into putting ds in a school of his choice an hour away from me and I now have majority custody of ds, he only sees him 1 day a fortnight
He's now getting married again
He's still being an absolute dick over child maintenance etc
When I see him he's an absolute mess and shaking uncontrollably
Still really worry about ds when he goes to see him but really there not much I can do .