Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

[fedup078]

@2020in2020 reminds me of my first Mother's Day with my newborn and a few months after my (alcoholic) mother had died a week after he was born
Exh got blind drunk for the entire weekend
Like absolutely sackless
He'd bought me posh gin which he'd thrown in the back of the wardrobe and told me to get it if I wanted my present
He ended up drinking most of it
you cant let it go because they take the piss, they lie, they cheat, they gaslight and treat us like idiots . its enough to make anyone crazy

[AmusedSquid]

Thanks @fedup078 .

I don't know if low contact is an option, she is extremely persistent and has been known to show up to the house when told not to etc. Even today she had to be told three times not to 'just drop something off'. I feel like it's all or nothing.

Whenever she upsets me she also suggests it's because I'm particularly sensitive at that time. Apparently at the moment I'm 'vulnerable' because I'm pregnant, and that's why I'm so upset.

I do feel guilty keeping her away from my little boy, and while I want to go no contact I feel that if she has nothing positive in her life then why would she try to get better?

I do think she's an extremely unhappy person which is the root of the drinking, but it's a vicious cycle because she's pushed so many people away because of the drinking at the same time.

I'm sorry to hear about all you've been through aswell. Life is shit sometimes!

[pointythings]

Whenever she upsets me she also suggests it's because I'm particularly sensitive at that time. Apparently at the moment I'm 'vulnerable' because I'm pregnant, and that's why I'm so upset.

That's gaslighting. She's making her issues your fault. Classic addict behaviour. Remember that every time she does it.

I do feel guilty keeping her away from my little boy, and while I want to go no contact I feel that if she has nothing positive in her life then why would she try to get better?

What do you think she will bring to her grandson that is positive and that he will benefit from? You don't owe her contact with him - it's for him, not for her.
And her addiction isn't your problem. It's hers to address. It's for her to get sober and find positives in her life. You are not responsible for her.

I do think she's an extremely unhappy person which is the root of the drinking, but it's a vicious cycle because she's pushed so many people away because of the drinking at the same time.

Her lack of happiness is not your problem and it is not for you to resolve. Only she can do that.

You really need to get some real life support with this - I'd suggest SMART family&friends for a secular (i.e. non AA related) option. They use CBT based approaches to help you look after your wellbeing and cope with the inevitable feelings of guilt. You deserve a life, happiness, freedom from constant worry.

[fedup078]

It is a vicious cycle you're right . My mother lost pretty much everyone in the end and of course it wasn't her doing , everyone else was in the wrong .

[CharlotteByrde]

@2020in2020 trying to bargain with your DH and restrict his drinking won't work at all. He is clearly from a family of alcoholics (whisky at breakfast?!) so his denial will run very deep and his family will never take the issues you're having with your DH's drinking seriously. I think you have to make a decision about whether you can bear to live like this indefinitely and if the answer is no then consider leaving.

[Userqrgtyd]

Am in a mess, heard this afternoon that the police are taking no further action. I am absolutely floored, I thought I had 6 weeks before his bail date to be able to get my ducks in a row. It doesn’t change the outcome, but all the feelings are there, plus the knowledge that for the next day or so he could turn up at my door and legally come into the house. All I can hope is that he is pissed……

[pointythings]

@Userqrgtyd I am so very sorry, some police forces are really poor on DV. Do you have a support worker, and have you discussed the possibility of getting a non mol? I hope your RL support steps up for you and is there for you, and I hope the process of divorcing him can be sped up. Meanwhile do whatever you need to for your safety. If he comes back and kicks off, don't hesitate to call the police again - they need ammunition.

[Userqrgtyd]

@pointythings yes the non mol and occupation orders are under way, so I hope they will buy me some time, but that will take a couple of days . My support worker is as shocked as I am, however everything he has said to me so far about how things will progress has not happened, so my confidence is not great. I’m preparing my bag to run if I have to…….

[pointythings]

Prepping to run is definitely a good idea, and if you haven't been in touch with Women's Aid then do that - or call them again to update and advise that you may need a refuge place.

[Userqrgtyd]

I think this is probably the first time ever I hope he is drinking heavily, I think he is staying a good hours drive away so would not manage to get here. It brings a wry smile….

[Userqrgtyd]

For some reasons the early mornings are the hardest to stay strong in. Practically the court orders were lodged last night so will hear on Monday if they are granted‘ without notice’, and a friend is staying with me. Emotionally it was hard to do that as it was me saying no, not the police system. Meanwhile he’s been texting, full of remorse, explanations suggesting couples counselling and that he is looking at rehab. I acknowledged the first ones but did not answer, and have ignored the rest. I know this is a pattern, I know how it will play out, But dear internet friends. Tell me I am right and hold me up while I am down. (I’m on my sofa with my dogs by my side, crying- wishing somehow I could Time Machine back 5 years or so and do my life differently).

[solice84]

@Userqrgtyd stay strong
My ex also suggested marriage counselling
I told him it'd be like pissing into the wind until he had properly sought help and had been sober for a good few years . Absolutely pointless otherwise

[BelindaOkra]

You are doing the right thing. As @solice84 said he can’t begin to work on anything until he has demonstrated he can be sober.

[pointythings]

You're 100% doing the right thing. He isn't in rehab, is he? He isn't doing daily AA. He isn't acknowledging that you have every right to leave him, that he has harmed his whole family - no, it's all poor me, poor me, pour me another drink'. Typical behaviour. Stay strong, go for the life you deserve.

[Userqrgtyd]

Thought I would update. It took 4 days and he turned up at the house roaring drunk, tried to get in (it was all locked) and eventually broke a window to get in. I was on the phone to 999 the whole time and he was rearrested. Thank you all for encouragement to stay strong. I now have a non mol and occupation order on the house. None of this gives me any pleasure, but I have taken control, and I never have to receive his manipulation again (the orders are in place for 2 years which is enough time to divorce and sort the house).

[pointythings]

@Userqrgtyd well done and congratulations on your non mol and occupation order. I hope you will now feel safer and be able to sort your divorce in peace. Your strength is amazing.

[BelindaOkra]

Oh my goodness that must have been so traumatic. You are doing so well.

[Userqrgtyd]

Warning. This is a bit of a stream of consciousness……and this is a place Incan put it out on the table safely.

Just a further update, that the original case has been reopened following my request to review. I am just so sad, and I am sad for him, his world is completely destroyed, he has nothing left… and the prospect of a criminal record…most of me knows he created this situation.

It was created by the same person who thought the best thing to do last Sunday was to drink and terrorise me, the same one who drank and belittled me, and ordered me around and shouted at me so much that the only way I could respond was shout back or hide. He is the man who was obsessed by weapons and death.
finally I’ve taken steps to keep myself and our dogs safe. And because he could not help himself for all the years I was there to pick up the pieces, when the pieces are on the floor now are so devestating that I don’t know how he will pick them up by himself. I am so sad, and I feel guilty that I’ve done this to him. Then I have to remember he is the one who poured alcohol down his throat as a fix for his demons.

the unanimous response of my friends who I have told about the reopening of the case is ‘good’, however I feel much more ambivalent

I have to keep going. There is no going back……but this is such a parallel and sad universe.

[pointythings]

@Userqrgtyd your feelings all make sense, they really do. As women, we are socialised to nurture, to protect and to rescue and when someone won't be nurtured, protected or rescued our first reaction is to take the blame on ourselves.

Once you realise that, you can step outside yourself and ask yourself the cold hard questions: What else could I have done (that wasn't more of the same)? Why am I holding myself responsible and not him? Why do I feel that my safety and happiness do not matter? You may need help from a therapist with this; I had my colleagues because I was working in mental health and had people around me with psychology training. It was incredibly helpful to do the soul searching with support and if you can get some, I'd recommend it.

Lastly, I'd also suggest some mindfulness work. There's a technique called 'sitting with difficult feelings', which is essentially about taking time to allow those feelings their place, but also recognising that they can't be allowed to dominate your entire life. There's a lot of online material available on this, you'll find something that helps.

And keep posting here as much as you need to.

[Userqrgtyd]

Thank you @pointythings . I do have a therapist lined up, our first appointment is after Easter, and thank you for the mindfulness suggestion. I will research.

i really appreciate this space, and the kindness of strangers x

[BelindaOkra]

I completely understand why your feelings are mixed. Alcohol robs people of who they are, but it doesn’t mean that person you once knew was never there.

The only thing I would pick you up on in your post is your ‘I’ve done this to him’. As you go on to say - no you haven’t. He did this to himself. It is not a woman’s job to save a man. This is his responsibility & he has made his choices.

I honestly wish you a peaceful future without this chaos and fear in your life.

[ItsMoo]

I haven't seen my husband since 9am yesterday when he left for his hobby. Woke up at 5:30 to find he hadn't come home so I drove to his usual haunt 5 mins away and his car was unsurprisingly still in the car park. Had to drive past again at 12pm and he had moved it, and again at 6pm and he was parked up again.

A few months ago I would have been angry and upset. I just pity him now. Its such a waste of life.

He apparently has to be at the pub as I'm making life so intolerable because I'm on at him about his drinking. Of course the answer to this is to drink more.

[pointythings]

@ItsMoo are you preparing to get yourself off this merry-go-round? I really do hope so, you deserve better.

They all say it's someone else's fault. If you believed them, you'd think the likes of you and me had them tied to a chair with a funnel in their mouth, pouring in the booze.

[ItsMoo]

@pointythings I posted here 7ish months ago and was determined to be rid of him as soon as possible.
Easier said than done I suppose.

I've just sort of put up with things and become quite numb to it all. Nothing he does surprises or upsets me anymore so I'm in a kind of limbo where I want him out of my life, but don't have the energy to fight anymore as he won't go easy.

I keep thinking he has finally hit rock bottom, but the bar gets lower and lower. He doesn't care that he pisses around the house when he has had too much. When he first did it he was mortified. Not anymore

[pointythings]

@ItsMoo what's holding you back from ending this relationship? I ask because I've been there and started the leaving process, and it was incredibly daunting, but someone told me that when you're eating an elephant, you do it one bite at a time. It may be worth starting to think about which bite you feel you could start with.

Of course it is going to be deeply unpleasant, but the end result is so worth it.