Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

I feel mixed up at the moment.
dh gave up / cut down on drinking in August / September. We went away for a long weekend with BIL and MIL who knew about dh . BIL drinks like a fish anyhow . Whilst away he drank and then 2 weeks after , it’s like a switch switched in his head.m
He then mostly stopped with the occasional glass of something. We got a dine in meal end of last week. With a bottle of wine . He has started seeing a counsellor . Who apparently said some is ok.
He has no self control though, if it’s there he will drink it.
it got horrid, I was upset over his lack of self control ( he said he would have 1 glass) , he got cross with me “nagging”. I don’t know how to support without it seeming like enabling. What happens when he starts drinking too much in my presence ?He finished the half bottle . He said horrible things and suggested a separation. Everything was my fault. Later I tried to reason with him and he hit himself very hard with a substantial book . Hard on the head. Then stuck his head in some bubble wrap.
Much later, the same night, maybe he was more sober again, we made up.

He won’t now talk about what he said - hehas had 2 opportunities nor if he was in the wrong, apologised. Part of me wonders if I did the wrong thing. Was getting upset and not talking when he started having more the wrong thing? I think if it happens again which it will I will feign a headache, backache , something and recluse myself from the situation . I can’t change or stop him if he hits the drink ( and small amounts now he is generally not drinking really affect him)
I am now worried about Xmas approaching. He is already talking about missing one Joint event but there is still his trip to visit mil and probably BIL again and seeing my parents ( who know, but might behave “funny”. - judgemental- but I had to say something otherwise they would have bought us a case of wine for Xmas ) and then Xmas itself.

Sorry reading that back is all disjointed . Probably how I feel!

main question how do you support someone you love and live with without it being enabling?

@HowdidImanagetohavetwoaccountaandthenloseboth
that’s the 100 million dollar question. I guess the short answer is, you cannot. It’s a horrible thing. One way is to detatch, to accept you didn’t cause it, can’t control it and cannot cure it. Him hitting himself with a book is not your fault. That seems like his way to shut down the situation. Ultimately he will do what he wants to do no matter how far backwards you bend.
I really feel for everyone affected by living with an alcohol dependent person, i never knew it was so hard. I’ve never been exposed to it before close enough. Im still with my bf who drinks too much but it’s falling apart again, i have nothing to tie me to him and that is a good thing otherwise it would be bad. But i can understand what it’s like living with someone like that. Flakey and and unreliable.

We were meant to see each other last sunday but he disappeared because he watched football with friends the night before and obviously got bladdered. No message on the day, no explanation, just radio silence. I got a half hearted apology next day and i feel myself detaching. He can go fuck himself. Every day there is another invitation to somewhere to have a drink. During 5 months we know each other he drank every single day, i got that admission from him. He doesn’t remember some things we watched/did together. What’s the point.

I am having a bad day with the emotional state of my alcoholic husband tonight.

It was his day off, I had to drive somewhere for work, but rushed back to pick up the kids as I knew he would be drinking.

I think he must have drank all day, he was very irritated when we got back home, finding reasons to complain about anything and everything.

we have lots of challenges at home, he doesn’t like his job but difficult to switch, I have a busy job and studying at the same time, we have kids, one with suspected neurodiversity waiting for an appointment, and very little help as our families are not around.

I get it, our life is stressful, but drinking is making it much much worse.

I thought about separating numerous times, yet here I am again going through the same challenges again, and again and again

sometimes I feel like this is all my fault for still being with him.

just feeling sad, drained, anxious of what happens next, what big drama will boil up again!

please tell me I am not alone 😔

Of course you aren't alone. But if you can't make plans to leave this marriage (yet), then you need to work on detaching emotionally in the interest of self preservation. Don't let his misery be your misery. It's for him to deal with. He will deal with it by drinking and you know this. So detach from him, form a unit with yourself and your DC in it and find your happiness without him.

And for the longer term, plan to leave, when you can.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I do try that, and sometimes manage, but not always.

I know this is not the solution but I sometimes think may be if I worked less, stopped studying, maybe if our child wasn’t challenging us as much, if I was nicer to my husband, may be it will be better. Then I realise, this is nonsense! I am not doing anything wrong by trying to build security for my family by working hard…

but it is tough, a real emotional rollercoaster

tonight, we didn’t even manage to eat dinner as our little one keeps waking up, feeling unwell…

It is incredibly, incredibly hard. My two were teenagers, not little, but I know how it feels to be the one trying to keep everything from flying apart.
But the bottom line is that you cannot help him. You can however help yourself and your DC.

And whatever you do, don't give up work, study or trying to improve your prospects because that is your way out. Your husband is beyond your help; the only person you can help and should help is you. Make yourself the best person you can be, so that you have a future without him.

I’m in a LDR with someone I feel has a drink problem and I don’t know how to deal with it because I like a drink too and must sound hypocritical. He would probably say it’s a habit not a problem and he could go without if he chose. He never chooses to though. when I see him he drinks every single day without fail, but not to excess. It’s only 2 glasses /max half bottle of wine, occasionally more but it’s the regularity I don’t like. Also on days off I notice he will start earlier like late afternoon.

Don't know if anyone out there can help /advice.Been married over 25yrs .Not been easy by long way, kids and issues ,loss of close Friends and my dad and then my step dad too , mum still with us .Past couple of months my husband has been drinking several Btls red wine .He is older than me and has had depression issues, medication for it.He retired about two weeks ago .I still work .I get in from work he is usually asleep,drunk , staggering, housework not done .Gets snappy with me .He has been to AA meetings x2.I end up hiding btls away from our grown up kids .They are both fed up with him .I just feel so isolated and alone .He is ,can be such a loving and caring husband,I love him to bits .Just don't know what to do

Retirement can be a shock. He probably feels lost without the structure his life had before and is using alcohol to cope.

That doesn't mean it's OK to do what he is doing. You need a come to Jesus talk. He should be taking on the bulk of all housework, and he needs to fill his time. Volunteering or a small part time job would help. He may need some counselling to make retirement work for him.

Has he always been a heavy drinker or is this new?

Hi again,he doesn't do the housework, lies saying dog been out when he hasn't.Says has done stuff when hasn't.Can tell when he is lying .Get in from full days work and he either asleep drunk or awake drunk and excuses like Ohh my ankle is hurting (he broke it earlier this year) said tripped over dog but most probably fell when drunk .He says he will get part time job ,can't see it happening tbh .Counselling, can't see him bothering with it .He has been to x2 AA meetings when can bother to go says I have nothing to say .He has a drink on occasion at weekends with me but this is new tbh ,been going on few mths . My mum and brother and partner,our daughter and family are over Christmas Day am absolutely dreading it ,he will get drunk and make a show of himself

@71Ali That's a horrible situation for you. Don't try and protect him from the consequences of his drinking. I know it feels excruciating but it would be best to let your family know what is going on and the state he is currently in, and the worries you are feeling about how his drinking will spoil Christmas. Maybe suggest you bring the food to them instead (take the poor dog) and leave your DH at home to drink on his own? Otherwise Christmas Day will be miserable for all of you.

@71Ali ultimately the only person you can help here is you. You need to decide whether this is what you want for the rest of your life. If it isn't, walk away. He made the choice to drink, he chooses not to support you at home, he leaves all the hard work to you. If that isn't what you want, you tell him to pull his socks up or you leave. And then follow through. The ultimatum here is for you, not him, so don't act until you have reached a decision. Life without an alcoholic in it is fabulous.

@71Ali Going forward, don't hide the bottles from your grown-up children. What's the point of that? Tell them exactly what's going on. Accept support from family and friends rather than try and hide what's going on. It really helps.

I am so pissed off today . DH is really trying , he really is. We went through a tricky time but things are so much better.
It’s my birthday tomorrow but i opened presents last night . Because today I have had to catch a train across the country because my mum has been suddenly taken into hospital with a serious illness . She is in her 90s . So I am going to be with my dad visiting.
And what did I get from my MIL for my birthday - Gin! Having specifically said to her “please do not buy any alcohol as presents this year !” What am I supposed to do drink - it on my own ?
So I rang her and asked her what did she not understand about that simple instruction.
she put the phone down saying she can’t get anything right ….

so I will probably get in the neck for daring to tackle her .

To coin a phrase - am I being unreasonable ?

@HowdidImanagetohavetwoaccountaandthenloseboth
It used to boil my piss when ppl used to buy alcohol for Xmas etc for my mother
Those ppl soon learned why they shouldn't be doing it though and stopped when they realised how bad things were
I know the booze was for you but same principle
My ex used to buy me fancy gin then drink it himself claiming he hadn't touched it . He must have been drinking it straight most of the time when I had no tonic in

I'm currently in bed listening to my mom shrieking and moaning as the paramedics try desperately to load her into the ambulance because she fell down the stairs while drunk and (we think) has either dislocated her arm or hurt her back. She was probably in the process of going down to the kitchen for more booze when she fell, she's gotten up many times in the night/early morning to do this. She's covered in bruises from falling over. She claims she had gotten up to go to the toilet but then how/why did she fall down the stairs?! Why was she even going downstairs! The bathroom is right next to her bedroom!

It's fucking Christmas Eve.

I don't really care about 'Christmas being ruined' or whatever, that's irrelevant but I have 2 teenage grandkids of hers in the house, one of whom has a disability and won't understand where she is on Christmas and will expect all the Christmas stuff as usual. My sister and her partner, and my brother are due to come round in the morning. So it just exacerbates everything.

My Dad is 80 years old, she is almost 20yrs younger and he's going to have to spend Christmas exhausted from no sleep and in hospital dealing with her. He's basically her carer right now as it is. It's so fucking unfair on him.

I'm so torn because I feel desperately sorry for her. It hurts me to hear her in that much pain and I know she isn't choosing to be an addict (no one would!) but I can't help but feel so fucking angry with her at the same time. Why does she keep doing this?! Why doesn't she see or care the effect this is having on her family?! We're trying to get her help but she just won't stop drinking or even cut down. She says her counsellor says we aren't to restrict or stop her drinking but it just feels like bullshit excuses at this point. So we just have to sit by and watch as she slowly drinks herself to death? Or gets so drunk she attempts suicide again until she succeeds? Or just gets so drunk she has a fatal accident?

I feel like a monster for thinking it but I just can't handle this. I can't sit by and watch her slowly kill herself. What can I do?

Anyways, sorry for all the swearing just needed to vent. Doubt I'll be sleeping tonight either.

@squaahedalmondcroissant huge, huge sympathy from me. I am so sorry this has happened at this time of year of all times. I lost my mother this way - she fell down the stairs in her home going for more alcohol, was found by her care team the next morning with a broken neck...

Sadly there is nothing you can do unless your dad is prepared to walk away, and I suspect he can't bring himself to do that. And you are of course doing everything you can to protect him.

All I can say for today is do what you can to not think about her and focus on yourself and your DC. Self care isn't selfish. If you want to PM me, feel free - I'll be on here in between bouts of manic cooking.

I truly feel for you. We had Christmases spoilt by alcohol, including one during the lockdown where my kids and I spent time in the park in the cold as no place was open and we couldn’t visit our family , (rather than being home as my husband was too drunk and truly unpleasant). Like you, I feel sorry for my husband and ant the time angry that he is not stopping drinking. Probably like your dad, I find it difficult to leave him. Sending you love and patience

Thank you for the support, it does feel good to vent to people who understand.

@pointythings I'm so sorry that happened. I hate to say it but I think about that happening to my mom all the time, the more she drinks and the more frequently she has falls the more likely I think it is to happen. Obviously I don't want it to but I'm so worried that it will because of her behaviour.

I'm constantly on edge because every time my dad rings I think I'm about to get a call saying she's either injured herself, has attempted suicide or is dead.

So after many x rays it seems like she has fractured 2 vertebrae in her neck and possibly fractured her elbow too. She will probably need surgery and may need a transfer to a hospital miles away. No idea what the future is going to look like at the moment.

I really want to confide in my partner as he is spending Christmas with his family and has no idea what's happened but I don't want to spoil his day. I've spoken about things with him before but I think the whole thing makes him uncomfortable and he doesn't know what to say.

My dad is lovely and trying to help as much as he can but unfortunately he is an enabler and gives into her way too often. She begs and pleads for booze and he gives in. Doesn't help that they live 5 minutes from a shop and if he doesn't give her alcohol she will escape the house while drunk (and often in pyjamas in the middle of the night) to go and get more, which puts her even more at risk so he sees it as the lesser of 2 evils.

He adores her, they've been married for over 40yrs. No way he will ever leave.

Another Christmas ruined by my mums drinking. This is how it is on most social occasions now. We hosted and had to sit and listen to her talking utter shit, gurning and repeating herself through lunch. I can't not have her here because she has nowhere else to be but I'm so fed up with every occasion being tainted by her being drunk.

Don't get me wrong at Christmas it's fine to have a drink but she arrived pissed then continued to drink. She drinks daily. Starts early, is vegged out by late afternoon then spends the night awake so she can start drinking early doors again.

I'm fucking sick of it. Why can't I have a normal family Christmas? Or normal family support all year round for that matter?

@marychristmas44 harsh as this will sound, you have your Christmas by setting boundaries and not inviting your mum. It is not your problem that she has nowhere else to go, it is a consequence of her choice to drink the way that she does. You deserve to have a peaceful, happy Christmas with people who aren't drunk and incapable of being part of the festive season. Self preservation is not selfish. Learning this is incredibly necessary to your emotional wellbeing. Message me if you need to talk - I have been there with my late husband and my late mother and I've been through the same stress of needing to set boundaries and feeling bad about it.

Thank you I am trying hard to work on my boundaries. There have been times where I've sent her home if she's turned up to an event drunk. But at Christmas if I was in that scenario the day would be ruined anyway because I'd feel so guilty. And logically I know I shouldn't, she has created the situation not me. But it's still very tough. There is no other family, no other support. I luckily have my dh and kids but it's wearing thin with dh too and I'm getting increasingly concerned about my kids seeing it. They are too young to fully understand at the moment but in years to come I have no idea how I'll explain grandmas bizarre behaviour.

@marychristmas44 are you getting support from Al-Anon or a similar group? If not, I would strongly recommend you contact them. If the AA ethos is not for you (and it isn't for me) then Smart Friends & Family might work for you. Your guilt is the thing you need to work on. I used to feel it too, but you can learn to put yourself first without guilt if you put in the work. You need support to strengthen those boundaries. Your children will notice their grandmogther's erratic behaviour and it won't be good for them.