Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

@BumblebeeAndPoppy good and don't go back , he will probably come out with all sorts of bollocks but alcoholics lie so much which is all part of the addiction
My ex's life has totally imploded and he still lies and tries to put on a front but I see through it all now
I'm in a new relationship now with someone who has an alcohol intolerance which he developed as a teenager so hasn't drank for 20 years . I've gone from one extreme to another but it's bliss

Sending support @BumblebeeAndPoppy 💛.

Stay strong @BumblebeeAndPoppy , prepare yourself for an onslaught of love obombing , blaming and threats. Don5 take it on, just block.

Posting for support please. I’ve posted in the past about my DH and his relationship with alcohol. Something in me has snapped and I can’t take it anymore. He knows he has a problem and has admitted it, and I have started to call him out when he has secret drinks - I can always tell. We had DC3 19 days ago and he promised this was it and he would change. But today he took a long time “at the shops” and when he called us all in for dinner I saw it - he was drunk. I used to be able to take it but every time it’s happened recently I have felt so hurt and heartbroken. I have told him now it makes me feel - at least now he’s not even bothering to gaslight me and lie to my face that he’s not had a drink, he hasn’t even bothered to deny it tonight. I feel so broken that he doesn’t care about us enough to even try. I don’t know how to navigate this with a tiny baby and 2 other children.

Realistically all you can do is start getting your ducks in a row, however long it takes. With a newborn it will be a while, but you can do it. You know you need to leave.

Hi all,

I've just made a separate post with my long sorry story about my mum, can I join?

My mums a long term alcoholic, on her fourth hospital stay due to falling over and breaking bones, this is the first time I have had to seriously consider the fact that she is probably not safe in her own home anymore and I'm not sure where to go or what to do now.

I am filled with guilt that I feel extremely detached from her now, it's hard for me to give her a cuddle or feel affection towards her as I don't really see her as the mum I knew and loved now, she is basically a shell of a person.

Her 4 major falls since 2019 have coincided with 3 occasions when I was in A&E with my own daughter and on the day I announced I was pregnant with her. I would love a psychiatrist to unpick that for me and tell me why. She has some level of control over it because she refrained from having any falls all throughout Covid as I'm sure she didn't fancy a hospital visit. Now she's in an independent living facility which has the pulley cord she has taken that as free reign to drink to excess as someone will come along and pick her back up if she pulls the cord.

The anger festers in me and makes me feel sick to my stomach - I would love to not feel this way and feel some compassion for my mum but 30 years of this i can't take any more especially now I have a family to take care of.

I'm just about to go back and read through the thread in full to hear your stories, thank you for listening

Xx

@lollydu you sound as if you have managed the distancing and the detachment, which is a brilliant first step. You recognise that you can do nothing to help your mum and you do not enable her. If you can make that much progress on your own, you will do even better with a bit of support.

It is quite possible that your mum's falls are directly linked to your stressful life events in the sense that she would have needed/chosen to drink excessively in response and triggered the falls. Recognising that is helpful. Be careful not to feel responsible.

Your next step is to find support to help you with your feelings. First let me say that feeling anger and sickness is completely natural, so don't beat yourself up about feeling that way. I actively wished my late husband dead and when he duly died, all I felt was relief. I used to feel guilty about that; no more. Find a support group and you can work through your feelings until you reach that same balance. this page gives you a list or organisations who provide help. There may also be local groups where you are - your local council may know. Talking to people who have been where you are now is the most powerful thing you can do. The group I now lead helped me hang on to my sanity when I was in the thick of it and now I pay it forward by helping others.

It sounds to me as if you are well on the road to your own recovery. Keep it up.

Thank you - with regards to the falls coinciding with times where my caring responsibilities have been elsewhere with my own daughter, your take on it is really helpful. I don't think I had really seen it that way but it makes more sense. I always thought it was attention seeking (as is often the case with daughters and their alcoholic mothers, I often feel like the parent child dynamic is reversed with us). But yes it makes more sense that in times when I am stressed, this drives her to drink. It's like she's looking for an excuse to drink to excess.

It's frustrating though because even in those moments, I never lean on her for emotional support as that's just laughable at this point, I get my strength and reveal my fears and vulnerabilities to my friends. So when I'm going through a stressful time with my daughter, take A&E as an example, I will be factual with her if she asks but always downplay, I never catastrophise (is that a word!?) or reveal that I'm stressed or scared.

Downplaying and keeping it factual is the right strategy. You're not getting drawn into the drama and that is perfect. You've learned not to lean on her - she knows that, and that may also contribute to her excess drinking when things happen in your life. There will also be guilt and shame on her part mixed in; addiction is complex. You have a support network that works for you. She isn't part of that. Your next step is to sit with the frustration you feel about that and about her, set aside the feelings you have towards yourself about it and accept them as a valid response that is part of your boundaries. Honestly, you're already doing everything right. Managing that without specialist support is amazing.

She has been texting a bit today and seems a bit more with it. I guess the benzodiazepine has kicked in and stopped the delirium. Stupidly I asked her if she wants me to look into rehab, she can afford it. She said no she's in too much pain to think about it. Every time it's like a punch in the stomach. I don't know why I was hoping for a yes. I knew it wouldn't be. I've been reading quite a lot today about alcoholism altering brain chemistry and it helps a bit to understand why it's just changed her into a person I don't recognise at all. And why she's trapped in the cycle as alcohol is the cause and the cure to the way she feels. It's pure evil.

@lollydu please don't call yourself stupid. You want to have hope. That's called being human and that's where the rehab question has come from. You know she's very unlikely to ever consider it, but there will always be a little part of you that won't give up. We've all been there.

I apologise in advance, but the following is copied from a thread I started because at the time I didn’t know about this one. I’m copying it because I feel too shocked and distraught to type things out afresh. I am 64 and my husband is 70 in December. He has never been violent, but can be verbally aggressive when pissed if he detects I’m not happy with it. The following is copied.

My husband went into rehab over 3 years ago after I threw him out of the house when the booze had completely taken over and he had become a person I didn’t recognise. I got the Police to remove him because he refused to leave. I loved him (still do, but I’m no one’s fool), but honestly believed that we’d never be together again and he’d drink himself to death. Turned out he was shocked - he said he never thought I’d do it. He arranged rehab himself and was successful. He has OCD, so once he has an opinion, it tends to be solid and he became certain that alcohol was the devil and he never wanted to touch it again. I’m not naive, but I thought his OCD may be protective.

We are scheduled to go on a very expensive (out of pension savings) holiday of a life time on Saturday morning. I have seen signs in him over the last few days, that he’s been drinking. He denied it of course. The signs were subtle and I didn’t want to believe it, so let it go. I could see it more clearly today and he admitted it, saying it had been ‘a few weeks’ (bearing in mind that minimise and delusional are the alcoholics middle names). It seems it started with him drinking after I went to bed (I am tired much earlier than him) and pretty quickly progressed to him drinking (spirits) from the morning. I feel devastated. We’ve been happier this last three years than ever before (been together 15 years, married 8). It may seem trivial, but I’ve been so looking forward to this amazing holiday. It’s too late to cancel and get any money back. I so wanted us to share it together. I’m in shock at the moment, as I just didn’t see it coming. I feel crushed.

@lollydu I understand. I’ve been there and fear that soon I’ll be back there. I’d like to say something comforting, but I can’t.

@AnnieSnap I am so very sorry this has happened to you, what an awful shock. If I were you, I would separate the holiday from the future of your relationship and take your time to make any decisions. Does your husband accept that this is a problem, and would he be willing to go back to rehab or to AA? For me the desire to be sober would be key - my late husband never had it at all.

@AnnieSnap
Oh no
Having had 2 alcoholics in my life I have been surprised at times when I thought they would ruin things with their drinking (ie all inclusive holidays) but have managed to keep it together and for some reason not pull their usual stunts
I hope this can be the case for your holiday
Try and enjoy it the best you can and then make decisions on your return

Thank you both.
@solice84 that’s what I hoping to do. It helps to have my instinct validated.
@pointythings Sadly, he’s not willing. I asked him if he would go to an AA meeting. He said no, as he wants to drink.
I’ve calmed down a bit now. I hope we can go on the trip together and enjoy it (it will at least be marred by this of course). I’ll then see where things go. I will focus on me and try not to focus more than absolutely necessary on his drinking. I’m so glad to have found this thread. I really appreciate your kindness and support.

I hope you do enjoy the trip. When you're back get some support for yourself and have a quiet think about what you want your life to be.

@anniesnap - Im so sorry to hear this, how disappointing (understatement!) after 3 years of sobriety. It's even harder for me to understand why someone would choose to go back to it after 3 years than why someone can't make the choice to get better in the first place.

I do hope he manages to hold it together for your holiday - try to enjoy as best you can. And address this when you get back.

As for my mum, she's being moved to a local cottage hosp for some respite, I'm not really sure what the ultimate goal is. She honestly seems to think she can stop with willpower alone, doesn't need rehab, her words constantly centre around "letting me down" - promise I won't let you down again darling etc etc. it's so frustrating to make her understand it's not about me, she has to want to make a promise to herself not me. I've spoken to a few professionals, ended up in tears with the occupational therapist on the phone yesterday. Ultimately they can offer support but if she doesn't take it, there's not a lot they can do. The fact she's still full of excuses and seems to think she can just stop with willpower alone leaves me very little hope.

@lollydu I understand (been there). I’m so sorry.

I just started a thread not knowing about this board. My (stbx) husband came home drunk (again) last night, fell into, and broke a piece of furniture. He pissed the bed and all over the rug in the bedroom. I couldn't think any less of him right now.

@LosingTheWillToLive234 I'm so sorry.x

@LosingTheWillToLive234 I remember those days
How long has he been doing stuff like this ?

@lollydu I'm sorry about your mum 💐

@solice84 A year, maybe a bit longer. He has always drank but could stop after one or two. Only got drunk two or three times a year, and never got in the state he does now.

Sorry to read this @LosingTheWillToLive234 I’ve been there. I know how tough it is 💐

I am pretty sure I need to leave my partner. We have been living together for over a year. He invited me to live with him when I found out I had cancer. I previously lived in a pub and didn't realise just how dependent he was on alcohol until I was deep into my chemo. I actually left and went to stay with family, but I believed him when he said he would get help. I've been back 4 months and he hasn't found any help.
I'm finding it hard to process this reality. I had made up (with his help) this fantasy future. Where we move out of the city and start a family. I now know this is impossible as every month he has to borrow money to pay for the alcohol, weed, tobacco and cocaine. I'm always bailing him out. I'm also pretty sure that me being here just means he has more money to spend on alcohol.
I do love him and I know there is a good person in there. He is actually a really nice drunk but he's grumpy and miserable until he has had a drink. He says he has days off but this isn't true but I guess he just lies to himself as it's easier than accepting the reality. I don't want to leave him as I care about him. I have spent a lot of time learning about addiction and have recently attended a family and friends meeting... This cemented the fact that I can't carry on trying to fix him and need to focus on me. People have told me how much better he has been with me in his life and that weighs on my mind.
I can't bare the thought of having to move on again given how much upheaval and stress I have experienced this past year. I know deep down I've got to go. It's just incredibly difficult to do.