Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

@Rhino94 pretty much everyone who is on this thread offering support has been where you are now. Some (like me) are out on the other side - both of my alcoholic relatives are no longer alive.

@pointythings you have helped me in a previous thread. You are just lovely and I find the fact you help others inspiring. People like us have to think about our futures, and find positive ways to live and connect with others.

Maybe it's been said above, but one of the best things I learned recently is 'the opposite of alcoholism is not sobriety, it is connection'. Of course that's not to say that the alcoholic should crack on. But I wonder if lots of people here understand that, when they think about how disconnected the alcoholic has become from other people.

BTW, for those who want to attend in-person Al-Anon/SMART groups and can't find local ones, do search for your area and 'alcohol/addiction support for families'. You may well find something else that will help, maybe through local council or similar. Looks like there's 'talking' provision where I am.

@amlie8 the motto that the opposite of addiction is connection runs through the group I run as well. However, we're not about helping our members 'cure' our addict - we're about helping them find a balance for their lives, about helping them make hard decisions when they are ready to do so (a very big thing when someone with an alcoholic partner has children) and helping them set boundaries. A lot of us stay on when we are no longer in crisis so that we can help those who come after us, which is also why I'm on here. I received enormous support (albeit on the relationships board) when my marriage was detonating and then again when my husband died, so I'm paying it forward.

@pointythings sorry to hear about your relatives and your husband 😞, it sounds like you are doing amazing things for other people now, what a wonderful person you are!

@pointythings I know we cannot cure them, although I only accepted this recently. The way I like to understand that phrase is in terms of how I need to live my life. I want to reject addiction (even though I am not an addict myself) and making sure I try my best to connect warmly and truly with people and life looks to be the best way.

More generally contributing to this conversation: I have boundaries in place, my mother knows she is blocked on WhatsApp etc and doesn't argue. I had to do that, after I saw a stupid message from her and cried and missed a work meeting. I generally ignore her. I have detached. My real sadness is for my dad, who stays with her, yet is lonely and unhappy. Yes it's co-dependency. Just like I can't cure her, I can't cure him. That's the real sadness for me now.

@amlie8 I think it's also aimed at the addict - if they can find worthwhile connections in life, they are more likely to find recovery. We have several people in our group whose loved ones are long term clean/sober and it's always been connections that have allowed them to achieve that. My Dsis' partner is 13 years sober and it was the same for him.

But of course aspiring to live a warm, connected life is also important for us because it replenishes our strength.

Sorry to hear about your sibling @Rhino94 and your mother @amlie8. Watching an alcoholic relative wreck their life and knowing you can do nothing to save them is the hardest thing. Much love to both of you.

@CharlotteByrde thank you, it’s good to find people that understand!

@pointythings Sadly she has never really been interested in other people. Her family are similar, it's almost like they see other people as cardboard cutouts, with no emotions or motivations of their own. A complete lack of empathy. It's like they have no theory of mind. I do not think I am the same, but I never learned basic social skills from her, and have really struggled in that regard.

Lately I have reached out to people/family, been honest about the situation after hiding it all for so long. The response has been amazing. Finally feeling cared for.

I love to hear about the long-term sober. I admire the strength and dedication of those who can. I think my mother has probably damaged her brain too much now. And her general health. In any case, she does not want to stop. She can actually stop for a few days or weeks without appearing to struggle – but remains a dry drunk, doesn't reflect on anything, doesn't find anything else to fill her time with. Gets bored, or something slightly stressful happens, and it's back to oblivion. Stumbling around, spluttering, grouching to herself, trousers half down. It's that image that made me shut off my heart to her. I can think of it now and not feel anything.

As I've said, I can't change that, I accept it. But I'm filled with sadness for my dad. I wish he had left her years ago. I wish he had a kind, fun wife to go on walks and meals with. I think she will easily live another 20 years or more and this is the rest of his life.

Hi, Thankyou for your message back… he hasn’t even apologised or said he wants to stop drinking, he said he will cut down! On a good note I’ve got myself an interview for a second job so I can save quicker and leave asap… I’m pretending everything is normal until I have enough to go :)

He is clearly not ready to stop. Cutting down never lasts even if they mean it. Keep planning your exit, you're seeing things clearly now.

Honestly I'm so sick of this.

Actually had a lovely holiday, genuinely thought things were getting better. DH drank but was limited.

Got back last night and stayed up til 2am drinking.

Woke up this morning, clearly still drunk and picking fights, following me around while I sort everything out.

He says maybe one of us should move out after he complained about the cat litter.

I'm very tempted to take him up on the offer.

He doesn't mean it at all, but I'm just so tired of this shit. All the holiday relaxation loveliness vanished and I'm back to anxiety and chest pains.

I need to earn enough so I can leave. But I'm self-employed and am in such a state of anxiety all the time I can't seem to get my act together.

It's like he takes up 40% of my energy levels.

I’ll join this thread, reading these posts has been quite eye opening.
Im feeling quite deflated today. My bf of 2.5 months is a drinker, we were meant to see each other today but as he went out on friday he was in no state to see me. Cancelled. It’s the second time he’s done that along with twice being late for things we arranged because of drinking in the space of these short 2.5 months.

He is lovely but i suspect drinks every single day, excessively. Ends up sleeping during the day, i hear from him in the afternoon when he finally wakes up. His dad died of it too. I like him a lot but today i just feel meh about it today. And angry. I know he needs help and he knows that too but he thinks he will sort himself out which i highly doubt. I know he feels bad and wants to change but im starting to think i need to end things. What are the chances of this getting any better, probably slim. Even with professional help.
I divorced my porn addict ex 2 years ago and had my peaceful quiet life for a bit, now this. It brings me down and i am
not sure this is worth investing in. Am i being cruel, probably not. Is he worth the effort? I don’t know, i keep thinking about it and am torn between being sensible and ending things and sticking around to see if things improve. Reading this thread doesn’t inspire me with much confidence even though he is sweet, lovely and i like him a lot.

Bumble, I'm really sorry - I'd say that you're in the early stage of your relationship, and that you should leave him before you become more entangled.

I know i should leave. But there comes in guilt, he said that i would be the reason he would change, he has our picture in his valet and phone to remind him of good times. And he mentioned that there have been days (or nights rather) where he felt so low he was having suicidal thoughts (not in a manipulative way, i have asked questions and asked to just tell me how it is when he mentioned he didn’t want to scare me). If i could help i would but i know i can’t. I feel sorry for him. He is a good guy messed up by his childhood. Divorced parents, both drinkers with dad being much worse than mom. Multiple suicide attempts from mom when he was a teen, it’s not surprising he’s down the addiction road considering all that.

I think i need to have an honest conversation with him about how i feel. Or am i fooling myself.

Sorry @BumblebeeAndPoppy you are absolutely fooling yourself.

someone once said something on here that really resonated with me. "You are not a rehab centre for troubled men".

Please trust me. I went through ten years of hell with my alcoholic ex. This isn't what the early days should be like.

Seriously, walk away @BumblebeeAndPoppy . This is a new relationship. You are two years out from a bad relationship and you are not ready. Do the Freedom Programme, spend some more time boosting your self esteem and then don't settle for another loser.

Another voice to say get out while you are not too involved. How ever lovely they are the alcohol puts a layer over that will make life unbearable. Look after yourself.

@BumblebeeAndPoppy oh please throw this one back
If he's this bad at 2.5 months it will only get worse

@BumblebeeAndPoppy you can't fix him. He'll tell you everything will be different this time while continuing to drink. Why on earth would you feel guilty about leaving him? His drinking has nothing to do with you. He will continue whether you stay or go.

Hello I would like to. Join this thread. My husband is an alcoholic . I was aware he was drinking wine at home a lot especially in the evenings and later. Not aware how much. Worried but just got on with life I suppose. Last week he started bawling in bed loudly when he said he thought he was an alcoholic. He blamed the stress of his job for it. I was compassionate and advised him to see a doctor . He did cut down rapidly but got headaches and withdrawal symptoms when he went AF in the meantime. Telephone call appointment with the gp last sat. Gp said he does have a problem . He is being prescribed medicine to help with withdrawal and has a follow up appointment in just over a month.
Hes “cutting down “ but we had quite a row Sunday evening when he wanted a third or fourth glass of wine that day.
I did find a useful guide from an alcoholic support group which showed the steps to drink less and signposted it to him . First Step is recording/ counting drinks not sure if he is doing that - no sign of it. I am already aware that extreme cutting down can be dangerous. I am just not sure at this stage whether he will be able to do it. And actually cut down / stop.
sorry rambling on .
I do want to support him . I love him

@HowdidImanagetohavetwoaccountaandthenloseboth you can support him, but you should not enable him. You also can't make him stop, only he can do that. If he is having withdrawal symptoms then he needs professional help. His GP is a first step, but he may need a home detox.

He should also be working on recovery himself. You do not have to be sober to start this, you only have to want to be sober. He can try AA, but other options are out there. He should look into this, not you.

Meanwhile, you need to seek support for yourself. Posting hete is a good start and we will help you, but you also need real life support. Al-Anon is one, but there are others. Start this now and you will feel less alone.

Lastly, put yourself first. His addiction is for him to deal with. Your priority is to protect yourself and any DC you may have from the consequences of his addiction. That is not selfish, it is sensible. Good luck and welcome to the thread.

We have split up today. He was meant to stay with me for 2 days, came over today, i drove to a nice pub, we had a meal. At home we had an argument and i saw a level of immaturity and headfuck incould not allow back into my life. So he’s got a taxi home amd left, never to return.
i should be upset but i am relieved.

Well done, you have saved yourself so much heartache.