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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

981 replies

fedup078 · 02/07/2022 07:37

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

OP posts:
qqq82 · 20/05/2023 10:03

He's been with someone else for well over a year now (god knows how)
My argument is ds has no stability . I have him 50% and then he is split between 3 houses the other 50. He is passed from pillar to post
Ex wants to put him in a nursery near him now for 2 days a week disrupting him even more
He only wants to pretend he has him 50% so he can get him in a school near to him which means I would have to move house
I need to do everything I can
I also feel I need to do everything in case anything ever does happen to ds while he is drunk as at least I will know i tried my best

pointythings · 20/05/2023 10:32

@qqq82 absolutely, try everything that you can. Your ex is a scumbag.

qqq82 · 24/06/2023 09:00

Yup
He's lost his job
Not just any job , really good job , well basically he's also lost the career he worked so hard for
So now he's lost his marriage, ability to drive and his career
Yet still he's got his cocky 'holier than thou' attitude , still trying to gaslight me . Still wants 50/50 and for dc to go to school where he lives about 30 miles from me.

sadderthensad · 27/06/2023 22:31

Hoping you can all help.. don't know who else to ask

My brother is I think an alcoholic. I think he is also depressed.

His marriage has broken up and he has moved back in with our mum and dad. They are in their eighties and struggling to cope with it all

He won't accept help.. he won't go to the doctors, he won't talk to me about anything.. he just gets angry and walks out of the house

I thought he was holding it together at work but his colleague just called me and said that he is behaving oddly there too and didn't come to work yesterday and today turned up smelling of booze. They think he is having dark thoughts

Im going to go and try to talk to him tomorrow. Where we live is in a different town about 70 miles north off where he lived with his wife and son.. does anyone know if I get him to admit he needs a doctor whether I can take him to a local one where he isn't registered?

Any ideas welcome because I don't know what to do. His job is the one thing that I thought was going well for him... and it's clearly not

If he accepts he needs help who does he go to?

Todays been the worst day in a long time. Don't want to worry my Dparents any more than they already are

LuckOfTheDrawer · 27/06/2023 22:44

Hi @sadderthensad. I'm sorry you're going through this with your brother. I think you can phone your brother's GP and ask them to do a welfare check on him. I'm sorry I don't have more advice - I went through this with my Dad, but it was quite a long time ago. Lots of good luck to you, and try to remember that this ain't for you to fix, you can only help your brother so much, then it has to be down to him.

LuckOfTheDrawer · 27/06/2023 22:45

^isn't 🙈, I'm not sure why my phone wrote that!

sadderthensad · 27/06/2023 22:51

Thanks for the response. That sounds like a good idea.
He used to be a funny charming witty bloke.. now he just stares at the wall it's heartbreaking

sadderthensad · 28/06/2023 02:58

I've read the whole thread .. so many sad stories but it's helped to read what you've all been through.
Lying awake wondering what to say tomorrow. How do you tell elderly parents that their Ds is in such a mess ?

solice84 · 28/06/2023 04:25

Christ, just reading my posts on this thread
As if I took him back last august thinking he had sorted himself out 🤦‍♀️ and now he has lost his job and driving license through drink
As if I thought he'd managed to change for someone else
Now I just feel sorry for her .

pointythings · 28/06/2023 08:24

@sadderthensad a welfare check is possibly a good idea, but the most important thing is to keep an eye on your parents. They are living with him and as an addict he will exploit them. Once he loses his job, he will likely rely on them for money to feed his habit. You can't help him, only he can do that.

Toofattoofurious3 · 11/07/2023 14:47

Hi all, it’s my first time here, hope it’s ok. I’m currently in the process of separating from my alcoholic partner.

Ex has decided he’s going to move away (over 100 miles away, he doesn’t drive), quit his job so he doesn’t have to pay child support and live off his share of the equity we have in the house. Our kids are both primary school age, any advice on how I even start to explain this to them? Obviously I’m not going to bad mouth him to them, I just want to support them as best as I can. Anyone had anything even vaguely similar?

CharlotteByrde · 11/07/2023 14:57

I told my kids that daddy wasn't well, that alcoholism is a disease and that although he still loved us, his need for alcohol had taken over his brain and he wasn't able to think straight. You could say he needs time and space alone to try and get better, but also be clear that may not happen.

Alwaysmine2 · 10/08/2023 21:03

Hi… I’m new and just looking for advice really. I’ve been with my partner 9 years, engaged and one child together. I have a daughter 17 from previous relationship, partner likes a drink every weekend but doesn’t know when to stop… that’s when the nastiness starts (not every weekend but more than enough occasions)he’s vicious with his words and it’s like I’m walking on egg shells or trying to keep out the way when he’s had a drink. He has started to be nasty to my daughter aswell (once drunk) and I have asked him to stop drinking as he can’t handle it as he’s the nicest person ever when not drunk but it’s like he don’t want to… I’ve currently finished with him and handed over my ring over his drunken antics from last week as my children come before anything and they shouldn’t live with his drunken outbursts. But we are renting together, he is still here but we are not speaking and when I try he says he can’t be bothered and I don’t have any money for a deposit until October as I’m studying and work one day a week,is their any suggestions where I could get help from. Thankyou

Alwaysmine2 · 10/08/2023 21:09

It’s like he Doesn’t even say sorry the next day, like he knows the routine of me not speaking to him for a few days then back to normal, he thinks he hasn’t done anything g really wrong and I’ve had enough now… he has really pushed my limits and theirs no going back.

LuckOfTheDrawer · 10/08/2023 21:53

I'm sorry @Alwaysmine2, this sounds really difficult.

What happens later this year to change your situation? Will you be able to move out then?

Alwaysmine2 · 10/08/2023 22:14

@LuckOfTheDrawer I get my uni loan money in October so should be ok for a deposit to move out, I have been looking but the houses to rent are over £600 more than what mine is as everything has gone up. I’m hoping he won’t be spiteful and see it will be easier for him 2 move out as he has a good job with a good pay, instead of me with the 2 kids. I just think it’s not fair that we should start all over and have to move when it’s not our fault.
I also feel embarrassed speaking to my family as this is another failed relationship and hate them knowing my business.

3dogs2cats · 10/08/2023 22:49

He is verbally and emotionally abusive and you are the children are frightened, you may be able to get help to have him leave. . Emotional abuse and threatening behaviour is criminal. Consider contacting Womens Aid. If he behaves like that again , call the Police.
you don’t have to tell your family anything, but I’m fairly sure that they would admire you for finding the strength to end it, rather than endure this. If this is anything like the normal pattern, you have probably been covering up for him for years. So you can definitely stop that. This is not your shame. Best of luck. The first steps out of these situations are always hardest.

solice84 · 11/08/2023 06:17

I would advise anyone living with someone who abuses alcohol who share children to gather as much evidence as they can and avoid what I've been going through all these years , this is the post I made when we split below. I didn't have any evidence, at the time he was in a really good job in education , no criminal record, told me he'd tell the court I was crazy . And now even after losing his marriage, career and driving license to drink and moving 45 mins away from me he still thinks he gets to call the shots over everything, it's been hard.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4185558-drinking-in-the-morning-everyone-does-it-right

Mememene · 11/08/2023 19:16

You've made up your mind to go and you're doing the right thing. You are planning how you are going to leave. It doesn't matter that you are starting again, it matters that you are leaving behind someone who ruins every weekend of your and your children's lives.

Good luck, keep planning, and just in case I'll say it don't tell him when he's drunk that you're leaving, I made that mistake, not good.

Rhino94 · 15/08/2023 08:06

Can I join? Have a sibling that I’m pretty sure is one they can get so nasty, parents seem to want to sweep under the carpet and I just wonder if there’s anything I can do? Feel they’ve gone down hill and steadily getting worse. Is it worth talking to them about it or does it makes things worse? I just feel the way they are anyway they would get defensive and turn nasty but hate the thought of not trying to step in as I see them slowly ruining their life 😭

amlie8 · 15/08/2023 14:13

Ohhhh didn't know this thread existed. I will read all posts when I have time.

I'm 40, mother aged 60-ish is an alcoholic of many decades. Father enables.

We have had two attention-seeking overdoses in the last week. I say attention-seeking as she knows exactly how much paracetamol will require hospital attention, but not involve any unpleasant treatment.

It is exhausting and confusing. It depresses the shit out of me. Love to all who understand.

pointythings · 15/08/2023 14:15

I will pop on tonight and give you both a bit of support, @amlie8 and @Rhino94 .

Rhino94 · 15/08/2023 16:39

@pointythings thanks so much!

pointythings · 15/08/2023 18:24

@Rhino94 hard as it is, you are powerless to help your sibling. Talking to them, especially if they are in denial about their situation, is likely to lead to a worsening of your relationship with them. It sounds as if your parents have decided to be complicit for the sake of an easy life, so all you can do is take good care of yourself.

The feelings of guilt are the toughest to deal with and so I would recommend that you seek out some support from a group like Al-Anon or SMART Family & Friends. Local groups may also exist where you live; if they do, organisations like MIND, Turning Point and your local council may be able to signpost you. Talking to people who are in the same situation as you is incredibly liberating.

And lastly, keep posting on here if you need to talk. This is a safe space to vent and ask for support.

Rhino94 · 15/08/2023 18:46

@pointythings that really helps thankyou for taking the time to reply, it’s so sad seeing someone like that and being powerless to help but it’s good we have this thread. I will look into those organisations thankyou!