Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

Oh Fed Up, I stayed for so long for the same reasons- worrying it was just my word against his and there’d be no evidence to back up what I knew. I was terrified I’d be forced to hand over my dc to a father in knew could be incredibly unsafe (yet, very professional and “together” to the outside world). I think you’re right, though, this will change things for you and give you a better position.

For what it’s worth, my view is that no alcoholic is safe to look after children alone unless they can prove they are sober and won’t drink whilst they’re in charge. Taking advice from a solicitor is definitely a good idea.

is there someone you can trust to supervise contact? If so, would you want to insist that future contact is supervised unless and until he can prove recovery? He can potentially do that by blood tests (monthly).

I found a YouTube channel called Put The Shovel Down. They run drug & alcohol therapy for addicts and their families, I’ve watched a few of the videos & found them really interesting & helpful. I’m going to work my way through them.

Looks like he is going to get away Scott free with the drink driving
I'm so angry

Do you know if he was breathalysed Fed Up? Im sure even without prosecution, it is still an important part of the signs of his drinking. If you are worried about contact arrangements, this is probably still a moment to do something about it, so speaking to a solicitor would still be a good move. I think having knowledge behind you gives you a much stronger position. Trust your instincts.

Hello I'm joining this thread quite late but wanted to sort of outpour a little really.

My DSIL is an alcoholic. She and my DB have no DC and he hasn't always faced up to her issues until recently. Even when he has he hasn't coped well and has often ended up yelling at her when she has been drinking.

Everything came to a head in October when she told him she'd get rid of him from the house. He came home from work and she attacked him then called the police and said he'd attacked her. He was arrested and had to move out. He's in court in January.

She continued drinking unfettered. I was going round to see her when I could but she lives 30 miles away. Eventually my DSis persuaded her to go to hospital. Her chronic pancreatitis had nearly killed her. She also has alcoholic liver disease and alcoholic dementia as well as having sustained a brain injury when she wandered in front of a vehicle whilst drunk a year or so ago.

She was in hospital for almost a month and all they were worried about was the supposed threat my DB might cause, to the extent that the staff were cold with me when they realised I'm his sister not hers. Never mind that it's me who is the only one visiting her!

She's out of hospital now and doing well. As far as I can tell she's not had a drink. She's tried to withdraw her allegations about my DB but I have a feeling she may need to let it go to court.

The problem is I am still the only one supporting her and I'm exhausted. My DSis doesn't want to push her, especially as my DB is staying with her. DSIL's parents (elderly and live a couple of hundred miles away) haven't spoken to her since she told them to fuck off while she was drunk. She doesn't have any other family. She won't reach out to her parents or my DSis because she's scared of their reactions.

She's going to be on her own on xmas day, I can't invite her here because my own DP is still angry about the police thing - not only that she lied in the first place but also that I was upset wondering if my DB had in fact hurt her and nobody was believing her because of her drinking.

I'm worried that she might get so low over xmas that she drinks. I know that this isn't my problem to solve, I know about the three Cs. I've rambled here but I just needed to get it all out I think!

This is a safe place to vent, welcome! You clearly have a generous heart, but as I see it, this is the moment where your SIL gets consequences. She's been sobered up in hospital and it is now up to her - if she drinks, it will be because she has chosen to do so and because she isn't ready for sobriety. She needs to be seeking out support (AA/SMART Recovery) and if she has alcohol related dementia she should have a care team in place. Those may be things you can support her with because they are not about enabling her addiction.

For the rest of it, your support should be directed at your DB - he is the victim here. It's hard to watch someone destroy themselves, but if it happens it's their choice. You can only help the people who are ready to be helped and that's your DB.

I hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

Well @FromDespairToHere , you know it all but it’s still so hard isn’t it? My alcoholic relative tried to contact me in October and it was awful to reject the call. My Dh was incredulous that after all she’s put us through, I suffered agonies of guilt, but there it is, I did. I am so glad now that I did, the past months would undoubtedly have been 1 long litany of calls through the night, abusive messages, 200 mile dashes to hospitals, conversations with Emergency Services and other professionals, false promises, fresh starts and relapses that would be my fault because whatever. I have a responsibility to my husband and children, and to myself. I know what it is in my past that made me responsible for the wider family. I’m not doing that anymore.
Whatever happens with this woman is not your fault. You have done so much for her already. Give yourself a break. She may or may not drink. She may or may not end up in hospital, but you are not responsible. My relative is still alive, but one day she will die prematurely and probably alone, but I can’t stop that. This lady is your sister in law, she has seriously damaged your brother, you place yourself in the firing line for similar accusations, and she will never take responsibility for any of it. Ask yourself why you feel responsible. I mean this in the kindest way.
Save yourself.

Thank you both, I actually feel better for just writing all of that down. She is doing a support group twice a week. I am very much supporting my DB and it's at his request that I'm visiting his DW.

I am aware it will be her choice if she drinks again and tbh I am waiting for that to happen. All I can do is carry on the encouragement of her not drinking I suppose.

I would definitely distance myself from her. I know that sounds hard, but you need to have your brother's back here. With the dementia now involved, nobody can predict what she'll do next. If she was violent to your brother, she could be violent to you. You can encourage her not to drink but to be frank, you will have no impact on whether she does or not.

Perhaps I'm cynical but she drank every day, she needs to be getting support every day. There are AA meetings in person and on zoom all around the world 7 days a week 24 hours a day just about.

I almost died in hospital 7 years ago due to the drink. 7 years sober and I'll be on a zoom AA meeting Xmas Day, I still go 2 or 3 tomes a week.

No one made me drink and no one could stop me drinking either. It's her choice, save yourself, care for your family and your poor brother. Call in by all means but she has a massive worldwide support group, that doesn't shut for Xmas called AA if she wants it. Tough love xxx

It's her responsibility not yours.

So I am back again. My husband went to rehab 14 months ago. A few slips since, but now The empty bottles of vodka are back. I am so sad. Today he asked me to pour him a glass of wine (bottle in the house for ‘cooking’)). I refused and poured the wine away. An now I am the stupid f….g b…h. It is all my fault because I refuse to give up all my life here to move somewhere sunny. Our house sale completes in early Jan. We move into rented - which is in my name as I am the one with the income. I can leave. I know I should but I am so sad. Just a cry out inThe dark. All I wanted was a normal life. We

@Userqrgtyd I am so sorry it didn't work. I really hope that this moment will be when you find your strength to leave so that you don't have to live with this any more. You can have a normal life, but you can't have it with him. Did you ever get round to finding support from Al Anon or SMART Family&Friends? I would strongly recommend it. You're allowed to feel sad, but this is an opportunity for you to grieve your relationship and make a fresh start. Please grab the chance to find out what life without an alcoholic in it is like.

@pointythings thank you for answering. I did go to one Al anon meeting, but did not stick with it, partly because it was too hard to think that it might not work out. I wanted to be the story that worked out, like all the addicts in Grey’s Anatomy. A spell in rehab, meetings left right and centre and bingo a life with sparkling water……Hollywood alcoholics. Now I am just trying to think how I manage to move out of our house, somehow keep the dogs, and then deal with the legal stuff. Counting my blessings I am the breadwinner, We married as he took early retirement (should have seen the warning signs). So there will be a hit, but I’m in control of that. Now it is just logistics.

I am so sorry you had your hopes dashed. I do know how that feels, it happened to me. Except that my late husband's sobriety post rehab lasted 2 weeks.

Take your time about getting the split that works for you, dogs and all. I hate that you've hit the dark time at Christmas (that also happened to me!) but you will have many wonderful Christmases not worrying about whether he's drinking, how much, what he's going to be like, hearing those eggshells under your feet. Keep posting here, you will be supported. And if you don't feel Al Anon is for you then perhaps SMART will be - they're fully secular and base their work on the principles of CBT, which may be more helpful for you.

If you need to talk, I'll be around and you can pm me.

The alcohol addiction is known to be cunning baffling and powerful. It's nothing you've done and sadly there is nothing that you can do to stop it. I've relapsed after rehab, it's common but I had learned enough to get myself to AA and get help. I drank on a daily basis, I needed help to stop on a daily basis.

If he's not willing to change there's nothing you can do but protect yourself and your family. I've left my partner this year, he used to be my soulmate but his drinking was in danger of dragging me back down into the hell of my own alcoholism. I loved him, but had to leave him to protect my sobriety.

You have to leave him if you want a normal life. A normal life with an active alcoholic is not knowing what mood they'll be in, not knowing if you are in line for verbal abuse, seeing your money being spent so he can get drunk. My ex used to stagger, fall down and break things in the home, eat like a pig getting food all over the floor and telling me I don't have a personality as I haven't drank for several years now.

That was our normal. Sorry and promises to change are meaningless. Daily meetings and staying off it long term are the only sorrys that count. He still wants to drink, leave, be sad, but leave. Xx

@Userqrgtyd , really sorry. How dare he call you that though. After all the support you have given him, you make an executive decision that your life isn’t going to be about alcohol, and that was his response?
just ask him to leave, on the basis that the dogs need to be there. But if that’s not going to work, then if it was me, as a passionate dog lover, I would rehome my 2 and leave rather than stay with an alcoholic. It’s too stressful, I would worry for my job. Gets hard to do once the health issues kick in and you are caring full time.

Looking for advice on how I navigate NYE with DH. As a family we are going to stay with old school friends of mine for a couple of nights.

Party NYE and I can already predict he will get stupid drunk, say inappropriate things, bore the arse off people and completely embarrass me. No point telling him not to come as that will cause WW3 and I just don't have the strength for a full scale row.

What, if any, ground rules can I out down?

@piffle123 I'm sorry to say this to you, but laying down ground rules won't have any effect. If you take him with you he will indeed do all the things you worry about him doing and you are powerless to stop him. I know how harsh this sounds. Pretty much everyone on this thread knows how it feels to be in your shoes (not me, mine drank and got shit faced at home and kept his acceptable face for public occasions. Which is also bad).

Only you can decide whether WW3 is worth it (and you have every right to do out by yourself if you want to!) and where you go beyond NYE.

Big fat hand hold from me.

Thank you @pointythings; I guess I already knew what the response would be.
Just reading through the thread I think we may well live in the same area and would be so helpful to know what, if any, local support you accessed.

@piffle123 I have pm'd you.

You just can't reason with a drunk, If you are going to try to put rules in, talk to him before he picks up the first drink, once that's gone down, all bets are off. Im thinking the best you can hope for is to delay the first drink, get there later, to postpone him getting shit faced.

You can talk to him about how you are feeling before you leave for the festivities but it sounds as if you think he'll carry on regardless. Is this just NYE or is NYE just highlighting it?

As @pointythings says, ground rules are pointless and even if you set them, you're still going to be anxious and worried the whole time. I wouldn't go to a party with a person who I knew was going to make a fool of themselves and me. I'd stay home and think hard about whether I want to stay married to this person.

Al-Anon is a wonderful source of support where you could follow your own 12 step programme which I personally believe is an amazing design for living.

Sorry I let this post slide
I am the op but I can't be bother to nc back
So an update
Ex had been lying since his crash in October where he claimed he had blown over at the road but under in the station
Turns out that can't be true as he has been banned for 3 year for drink driving
So I'm preparing to take him to court for custody
He is lying through his teeth about everything . Luckily I found out from another source but he continued to lie even though I knew the truth
I think he may have lost his job too . He certainly isn't working at the moment but could be suspended / off sick , I don't know . He won't tell me. I just know this will increase his desire and time for drink .

I'm so sorry it's still tough for you. I'd certainly try to limit the amount of contact (especially overnight) your DC have with him, but be prepared: the family courts will give him contact. Being an addict isn't enough for them to protect your children. Your best hope is that he's so caught up with new relationships that he stops bothering. I know that's bleak, but it's how it is.