Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

Looking back, I became codependent in ways that were dangerous to my own health and sanity; believing I could 'save him' eventually if I could just think of the right thing to say or do that would cut through his denials; preventing him from ever reaching rock bottom by trying to protect him from the worst consequences of his behaviour; and at least at first, believing his narrative that I was in some way to blame and needed to change my own behaviour. Whatever we might think of AA's approach their "you didn't cause it and can't change or cure it " mantra was really helpful to me.

Thank you…I never really knew what was meant by codependancy, as I couldn’t depend on him for anything.
When he was living here, it was hell searching the garage, his van, his bag everyday. Worrying and wondering where he was. Googling alcoholics to see if he really was one or if I was going crazy and making a fuss about nothing…I was always told the only problem with his drinking was me thinking he had a problem with his drinking.
It is such a relief not to have to worry about that anymore.

I think it's incredibly important not to see codependency as a flaw in yourself. It comes from being in a relationship with someone and wanting to help that person because they are someone you deeply care for. In a way it's our own love turning against us.
That doesn't mean it doesn't need to be overcome, but it is important not to blame yourself for being codependent.

Definitely not a flaw - a consequence of finding yourself in a situation that makes no logical sense. The natural response is try and fix it!

I agree - it's not a flaw. I don't know if it's because of having kids but you are desperately trying to get back to "normality" and put an end to the madness. If I didn't have kids I am certain I'd have walked at the very start of it all. As it was I had 3 under 4 years old.

Wow I got the exact same line about the only issue with his drinking was me having an issue with it

Me too. I get that line repeatedly too. And being told I'm the reason he drinks because I'm so cold and boring. Once you see through it it's so obvious it's not true but for years and years I doubted myself. And in my case because he can go for a few weeks of moderating and being lovely and not getting hammered I used to think as long as I could be fun and sexy and loving I could stop him doing it again. But of course it never worked and then he would do it again and I would be so angry and cold and detached and passive aggressive and the cycle would continue. It's so exhausting.
I hope you are all having a lovely weekend. My H is working all weekend and is on his best behaviour at the moment (trying to prove he doesn't have a problem after weeks of being on a bender) so he hasn't been drinking. So things are relatively calm

Mine did it too. He drank because I didn't want to have enough sex with him. Yeah, because having sex with someone who stinks of stale booze is so much fun. And then there were all the other reasons: he was stressed at work (because he drank at work, made mistakes and got pulled up for it), our DDs were so badly behaved (they weren't, they were the easiest teens in the world, they just said 'fuck' occasionally and his sainted late mother hated that word).

It's never their fault. If it were, they'd have to face their alcoholism.

Mine sounds quite different as he never blames me for his drinking. I would actually laugh in his face if he did!! The line he always trots out is that I knew what he was like when I first got together with him. Err yes, I knew he liked a drink but so did I and all the people we hung out with. The thing is everyone apart from him grew out of it! Mine acknowledges he is a "proper" alcoholic and he cannot drink without dire consequences so we have months/years even of sobriety but he is now back to how he was in the bad old days before he got any help. Interestingly the first time he went for help they said to me that there was no cure and the best I could hope for was longer times between relapses and relapses getting shorter in duration. I would say that this is roughly how it has been since about 2016 but this year he relapsed in May and it's been relapse after relapse with at best 5 weeks between each one and 2 of those weeks being him in a right state - vomiting, shaking, not sleeping - so only about 3 weeks tops of anything like normality before the whole sorry saga starts again.

Absolutely this! When you go into the bedroom after theyve gone sleep and it stinks of stale alcohol 😒

Hi. Thank you so much for this thread.
I took on my relatives child when she was removed, because of alcoholism, neglect and failure to protect. I tried really hard to support the mother and keep her involved, but it proved impossible and we have been no contact for some years. She contacted me again recently and, despite being very torn, I didn’t respond. I love her but she trails chaos, and becomes abusive . She has now contacted again. I don’t know whether to not respond and block that channel, to respond briefly that Iam sorry for her troubles, but can’t help, or to allow some limited communication.
The child is now at Uni, doing really well and very clear that they do not want contact. The mother has recently been proven to be the victim of extreme childhood abuse. She wants to know my response. It all makes me feel sad and sick. I was looking forward to some quality time with my Dh after 5 years of unexpected intense parenting., but instead I’m back to the stone in my stomach and insomnia. I can’t think straight. How should I respond?

Welcome, @3dogs2cats . Speaking as someone whose DC did not want contact with their alcoholic parent and seeing the damage that was done I would say you need to respect your fostered child's wishes here. You are the person who has been proven safe and trustworthy, and going against their wishes would break that trust. If their wish for contact changes as they get older, they can manage that themselves as an adult. Your child has to come first, last and everything here.

I would recommend telling the mother that as her child is now an adult who has made their wishes clear, you are respecting those wishes and that henceforth you will be blocking them from all forms of contact. Then do it.

My DDs and I all blocked contact from my late husband. Choices, consequences. You are not responsible for their abusive past, nor do all abused children take the path of addiction.

Thank you@pointythings , I don’t know the mothers attitude to the child, she isn’t asking for contact, currently, she’s seeking validation from me. I don’t know if she is hoping to rebuild that relationship through me, but I agree with you that it is the child’s choice and I would not be facilitating. I wouldn’t tell the child about any contact, but that is very difficult for me, it feels like lying by omission, and I have been a bit avoidant with the child in recent weeks because I feel awkward, even though I havent responded. I think I will message briefly in the way you suggest. I feel desperately sorry for her though.

You're allowed to feel sorry for her, but personal history notwithstanding she has made her bed. Any future reconciliation can only be 100% the child's decision. If the mother wants validation she needs to work at her recovery and then rebuild her life. I've seen in my own DDs the immense damage an alcoholic parent can do. Message the mum as suggested and then resume business as normal with your foster DC - they're the ones who need and deserve your time and head space.

I have a fostered DC of my own, also at uni. No addiction in their mum, but absolutely chaos and neglect. Every time mum acquires a new boyfriend, their child is forgotten. Every time the relationship tanks, she's back demanding attention 'because I am your mother'. It isn't OK. I am letting my fostered DC guide things and support them in everything - my personal relationship with the mum, which was good initially, has now completely broken down. I am at peace with that.

I felt a great deal of pity towards my DH. There was probably things going on in his youth which he hadn't dealt with and that's sad. But he wasn't my responsibility, my children were, so I didn't let pity sway my decision making. Block contact so you don't feel you have to avoid her child.

Very interesting and valuable thread. Am on holiday with DH and BIL who are both drinking way too much, which has caused rows as I have made it clear that drinking at 10 am is not acceptable to me so I am controlling etc. My MIL died of liver failure, and all 3 of her son's have alcohol dependency/alcoholism. If I had realised this I should not have married in to this family. But we have 2 lovely kids (adults). I am trying hard to not comment or react but it's hard. I will not separate/divorce as after 27 years frankly I deserve to share the possibly substantial pay out he may get if his company is sold. I am also going to arrange power of attorney for me in case of alcoholic dementia. Sound harsh but I have to protect myself.

@fumanchu I don't think that is harsh at all, especially since your DC are adults and out of it all. It's a way of putting yourself first. I hope you have also found emotional detachment from the impact of your husband's drinking on you. When my husband died (12 days before the nisi was pronounced so still married and no will), I inherited everything - a mortgage free house and all his money. It has made my life and my kids' lives immeasurably easier.

Not harsh @fumanchu. It's important that you look after yourself. Mental health is important too though. Drinking early in the day might not be acceptable to you but it clearly is to your DH and BIL. There is no point in rowing about it, or getting resentful, because you won't get anywhere and it just makes you feel bad. Personally, I wouldn't even attempt a holiday with people who drink to excess as I'd be miserable. Rather than sit and seethe, maybe work out what you're going to do in future. I'm not suggesting you try and control his behaviour, as you can't, but work out ways you can be happy even while staying in this situation. A wee holiday away with a friend instead, a new hobby? Turn your focus off him and concentrate on making your life the best it can be. xx

Justcrackingon Your message really resonated with me. My DB is an alcoholic (and gambler) and has been for many years. Things have now got to the point where he is about to lose his rented accommodation. Our DM used to bail him out and since she died, I have tried to help by ordering and paying for food deliveries and rent arrears, but have realised I am really not helping and it is just allowing him to spend more money on drink. I too dread every phone call and feel so guilty that I can’t do more for him. I like to fix things and just cannot fix this. Love to all who are in a similar position. So sad.

Ok so I thought there was something up with my ex the last few weeks
He didn't seem to see ds very much and pawned him off on his mother a lot
Certain things made me wonder if he had lost his license
Turns out I was right
He crashed his car under the influence but hasn't been prosecuted yet
I don't know where to put myself or what to do about custody

@fedup078 that’s awful, you must be so wound up. I take it he didn’t let you know since you had to guess. What are your contact/custody arrangements at the moment? My ex is/was a very regular drink driver, although had never been caught (which totally horrifies me, but that’s another story!). The court has stopped him seeing dc for the time being but when that starts back up again, it’ll be supervised contact and he’d need to do breathalysers before driving.
is his contact supervised at the moment?

@AFitOfTheVapours 50/50 at the moment
He reckons it won't affect his custody
He hasn't actually been prosecuted yet though and maybe he won't be .

How old are your dc? Are you happy with current arrangements? I had to really stand my ground over contact for it to be supervised. He didn’t like it and took me to court. They took the drinking seriously and we have ended up where we are. It’s not a route I’d recommend but you need to know that is your back up if you need to up the safety measures and he won’t listen.
have you had any advice from a solicitor?

@AFitOfTheVapours he's only 3
I didn't have any evidence so I didn't think I'd have a leg to stand on
He holds down a very responsible job in education and can talk his way out of anything
But now i have some proof with the drink driving
I'm going to speak to a solicitor

Talking to a solicitor is a very good idea. You have a completely legitimate concern about your son's safety when he is with his father.