Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

After mine ruined my first Mother's Day which was also 2 months after my own mother died I told him he had to get help and he threatened that it would only get worse before it would get any better. A rare admission that he had a problem
When I did finally throw him out and mean it, he ramped up the drinking even more , like a last 'fuck you!' before he moved out

@pointythings yes this has been my experience in the past. And I backed down. Not this time. I know for certain he will never change.

I think you are amazing and so so strong. Thank you for your words of support, it's so wonderful to hear from someone who has been through all of this and has made it out the other side. It's giving me so much hope!

@fedup078 I think that will happen here too. But to be honest I can cope with that more than the best behaviour and gaslighting and guilt tripping me into thinking he can change if I only stop being so uptight and give him one last chance!

@slummymummy35 when you post on here, I hear myself when all the shit was going down. You have totally got this. People talk about rock bottom and it's always about the alcoholic. They forget that the likes of us have our own rock bottom too, and a lot of the time it is a place of strength.

Also thank you to @fedup078 for starting this support thread - it's very clearly needed.

I was at my own rock bottom when I met him
I think that's why I put up with so much shit . The relationship shouldn't have gone past the holiday romance it was originally meant to be

@fedup078 we all have times when we're vulnerable, and we all know how charming and life and soul of the party alcoholics can be. And then you have to dig yourself out again.

I'm very wary of relationships now, to the point where I still have zero interest in meeting anyone.

I have no idea why I put up with this shit. I think originally it was because I struggled with 3 small kids on my own and when he is sober he does lots around the house and it's so much easier with 2 of us sharing all the domestic load and lift giving etc.

My kids are all teens now though so I it's very different. They can help out around the house and even cook the odd meal. Financially it will be hard though. I work FT already and can't imagine he will contribute as he'll be out of work.

I have no interest in meeting anyone else either.

Oh god me too re meeting someone else. I have ZERO interest in another relationship. I crave peace and quiet and a happy household for me and my girls.

@fedup078 thank you for starting this thread, it is helping me more than I can articulate.

@pointythings I think you are right about rock bottom not just being for the alcoholic. It's strange though because I have been through so many worse things than this with him that should have been rock bottom for me but I stayed. But this time it's the realisation that nothing I say or do will make a difference. He will just keep doing whatever he wants to with drink.

I'm not begging him to change. I'm not trying to make him see what he is going to lose. I'm not emotional in the slightest. I feel strong and now it's all about the practicalities of trying to move forward. He still scares me but I feel like some of the bluster is gone from him too. Maybe he secretly wants to break up too.

@slummymummy35 once you've decided this is it, you take away a lot of the power they have over you. Be cautious though - in my experience the calm periods don't last. There will be points when it ramps up again - mine went ballistic when he received the divorce petition in the post. Fortunately he had moved out by that time.

I’m so pleased I’ve found this thread. My DH is the drinker, he can go a week or two without one but then I’ll come downstairs and see the glittery eyes and know that he’s been drinking whisky, we’re at the start of another binge and I’m going to spend my night on the sofa having my inadequacies thrown in my face and listening to his misogynistic drivel. He snores like a freight train and tosses and turns through the night after a drink so I feel constantly tired. Apparently he’s tired too, never hungover.

We have two DC and he usually saves the drunkenness for after they’re in bed so at least they don’t see it but I do wonder what will happen as they get older and have later bedtimes. He currently holds down a professional job but he wants to set up his own business. I’m dreading that as at least at the moment he can’t drink in the day, they’ll be nothing stopping him soon. I don’t see how this can’t end in divorce but I want to keep the family together as long as possible before I break my DCs hearts.

@crumble82 welcome to the club we'd all rather not belong to!! I totally agree with you re the starting his own business. That would definitely increase the window for drinking I imagine.

I have been at the calm and detached stage before and it really is a better place to be. I am back at the angry and ranting stage. I know nothing I say (shout) to him makes a jot of difference but it temporarily gets rid of my frustration!! I need to seek calm and detached this weekend though.

thank you for the welcome @Anjelika calm and detached isn’t always possible, trust me I’ve shouted at him, sneered at him, done everything to try and get through to him but the drink always wins. Good luck finding your calm and detached though.

I'm so lucky that DH has a hobby that gets him out of the house. He thinks I’m really chilled about letting him spend so much time away from us but its the only way I can survive.

Welcome, @crumble82 . You're at a stage where we have all been and it's horrible. All I can say in terms of getting out and breaking up your family is that the longer you stay, the harder it will be on your DC. My DD1 was 11 when she came to me and mentioned that daddy was drinking 'beer' at 8am on a Sunday and that it worried her. Things got worse after that. Both my DDs have needed a lot of therapy and support - DD2 is only just starting on that journey aged 19 and has PTSD from the abuse her drunken father put her through. I stayed too long because of my fear of breaking up the family and while my DDs don't blame me - because yes, leaving earlier would also have broken their hearts - this is a no-win situation for you. The best thing you can do right now is come here to vent, add your own knowledge to any newcomers we get and allow things to work through in your head - only you will know when the moment has come for you to act.

Thank you @pointythings i’m lucky that my DH isn’t really abusive; he can be mean when under the influence but the DC rarely see it. I worry that if we split up the DC would actually be subjected to more of his behaviour as I wouldn’t be there to shield them. That’s one of the reasons I won’t do anything yet. It’s so frustrating because he’s a good father and they love him dearly. He’s a good DH too a lot of the time, I just wish he would stay sober so I could regain some respect, love and passion for him.

@crumble82 one of the good things about leaving when I did was that DDs were almost 15 and almost 17, so at an age where they could refuse contact with their father and he'd have got nowhere in court if he'd tried. They did refuse contact, he didn't pursue it. I do understand where you are coming from.

@crumble82 I understand your worry about and access visits -that worried me too, but my DH never got his act together to organise seeing the kids after we split up, even after access was permitted again by the court. Any contact was facilitated by me and I was always there to supervise.

@crumble82 my DCs we’re about 6 and 9 when we finally split up but I should have pressed the eject button a lot sooner. One of the major reasons I didn’t was fear of having to hand my children over to the care (or more likely the opposite!) of an alcoholic. It is relatively easy within the marriage to quietly and unobtrusively manage the risks, monitoring the drinking, taking over all the driving etc etc. My ex refused to acknowledge the problem and reacted very angrily when confronted. No one on the outside really noticed what was happening either. I was terrified it would be my word against his and that no one would listen.

in the end, I hit my rock bottom and like others have said on here, that definitely tends to be a place of strength for us. I opened up to family, I spoke to recovery experts (even though he refused to engage with that help) and all of it helped to push him to a place of briefly acknowledging the problem. That was enough for me to get out.

I would say that if you raise concerns of drinking, the court will listen. It isn’t an easy process, but you can do it. I’m still in the court process and it’s very hard going but o wouldn’t go back to where you are now for anything.

you are strong to be coping with this. Vent to all of us as much as you need.

Hi

I'm at 2 weeks from kicking out my alcoholic after he had an affair, which I guess was my own rock bottom.

I had a counselling session yesterday, that was really helpful. I'm hoping to work on a few things and we only really touched on ex's drinking but the most useful things on that were:

It's natural and part of recovery to allow yourself to grieve for the loss of the good parts of him and the relationship.

She explained codependancy in a way I understood. The alcoholic spends of lot of their time thinking about drinking. Codependancy means you then spend a lot of your time thinking about them, is he going to the pub, where is he, what time will he be back, how much is he drinking, is he safe, how will he behave, will he be happy or arsehole, will we row, will he just go straight to bed, how much money is he spending, on and on, constant anxiety, day after day. Freeing yourself from that feels AMAZING, even if you are sad about what's happened. You can now think about yourself.

Alcoholics very rarely seek help for their addiction. Even if they do, many are not successful in getting sober. Its very unlikely he will be able to change.

@Lieslies thank you for summing codependency up so very clearly, that's incredibly useful and a lot of people on here will recognise themselves in it.

@Lieslies another thanks for the co-dependency explanation. It is so true. Yesterday when it was just the 2 of us at home (kids at school) I was up and down, checking where he was, wondering whether he had gone out to buy more vodka, wondering whether he is any nearer stopping this time. Same when I first clock that he has relapsed. I go into overdrive searching round the house for his stash, wondering if he can nip it in the bud this time, worrying about how the next week will pan out - will he be able to work? will I have to do everything around the house? what state will he be in when I get home from work? It must be truly liberating not to have any of that going on. Like being a normal person again.

I found it so helpful. I'd not understood it before. I'd thought I know he depends on me for a lot, but I can't depend on him for anything, so how can I be co-dependant?

I now understand its the relentless thinking, worrying and anxiety someone's drinking causes others.

Feeling sad feels a lot less awful than that. At least I know in time my sadness will end. It would have been a life sentence of anxiety if I hadn't ended it.

I will never count his drinks again with that sick feeling in my stomach. I will never worry about him drink driving and hurting someone. I will never look at his eyes and surreptitiously smell his breath when he gets in late from work to evaluate how much he's had.

It's hit me how much of my energy was wasted on this stuff.

I think sometimes the way codependency is presented can sound almost like an accusation, like we have a problem akin to the alcoholism and that we’ve somehow failed and succumbed to a disorder ourselves. I think your counsellor’s description is spot on @Lieslies and I think we also have to remember to give ourselves a break. Those reactions are totally natural for a sane person to have to a very big problem in their lives.
well done for finding the strength to get out @Lieslies and for getting counselling- that was the best thing I did when I left.

@Lieslies what you said here in spades "It's hit me how much of my energy was wasted on this stuff." I feel exactly the same. What a complete waste of headspace and energy it all is.