Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

@pointythings he does manage to at least mainly pass out in the house these days - the pavement incident was many years ago! Annoyingly we are using our spare room for working from home so my other sleeping option is a mattress on my daughter's floor.

@Anjelika commiserations, I moved out of our bedroom because I couldn't stand the smell of stale alcohol sweat any more.

@pointythings oh yes the smell!! I have no idea why he can't just sleep on the sofa as he is unconscious as opposed to asleep but no, he somehow manages to stagger up to bed and insists on staying there.

@Anjelika may I ask (and do tell me to fuck off if you want!) how long you think you can hang in with him being like this? Bearing in mind that alcoholics tend to spiral, it isn't plausible that things are going to get better any time soon, so are you thinking about what you will do in that situation? My heart absolutely breaks for you and your DC, and I am one of those people who stayed and hung on for far too long because it didn't feel 'bad enough' to leave, but now that I am out, I can see my feelings for what they were - codependency.

@pointythings don't mind you asking at all. I went part of the way through the divorce process about 6-7 years ago and got to the decree nisi stage but he sobered up and begged and paid me back all the fees I'd incurred and even gave me money to hold in an account in case it happened again.

I gave him that money back about a year ago as things had been OK and I really didn't think we would ever end up where I am again today.

My dilemma is the house. I really don't want to leave it but can't see how I would be able to keep it. I know there are Mecher agreements you can go for but not sure I would qualify. In truth he would not survive a divorce and would probably end up like your own DH. With that in mind I just don't see the point of being forced to sell the house.

@Anjelika that's exactly the dilemma I was facing, with the difference that your husband is just an alcoholic - mine was also emotionally/psychologically abusive towards our teen DDs (and me, but I kind of put that to the back of my mind because I was focusing on them). I ultimatumed him into rehab as a last chance saloon, but he never took it seriously because he didn't believe he had a problem. For me divorce would have been OK - mortgage free house, even if I had only got 50% of everything in the divorce I would have been able to buy a house outright though in a less nice part of town. I'd probably have got more than 50%.

It's very different for you, since yours isn't abusive. I can understand why you'd want to hang in until your DC have grown up.

@pointythings we've just spent a lot of money on the house - extension and new kitchen - so I am loathe to leave it. It feels mercenary to put up with this shit just to stay in a nice house though! We are mortgage free too so could sell and buy 2 smaller properties. I would hopefully get more than 50% as the kids would clearly be staying with me but I don't see the point in going through all the stress of selling and moving when he is drinking himself to an early death.

Really sympathise. I found the 'you can't get him out until he is violent' approach unbelievably cruel. How are children expected to just get on with normal life while their parent is constantly drunk as a skunk? It made me feel completely trapped in an intolerable situation and it made me live with it all for far too long. And I wish I hadn't because it has damaged my kids. My DH kept saying 'kids are resilient' but he'll never know what he has done to them long term. I've got to live with that.

@CharlotteByrde there are so many things that keep people like us with our alcoholics for too long: fear of the massive change we are about to make, guilt because what if he gets better, boiled frog syndrome because a lot of the time the slide into addiction is gradual. I had a clear moment when I should have acted but instead I ended up giving him yet another chance. He just got more secretive with how much he was drinking as a result.

The thing is @Anjelika that if my DH had been in the house until he died, my kids would have suffered through an absolute horror show. My DH continued to get worse after he left, but it was slow and hideous -as his cognitive function declined he became increasingly unpleasant to be around, bleeding varices resulted in vomiting blood (and alcoholics don't clean up after themselves) and there were lots of injuries from falls. I understand you don't want to sell up, I really do, but if he keeps going downhill it might go way beyond stepping over him in the hall.

My husband died of heart disease caused by alcohol abuse and with hindsight he was already well down the road to the end before he left - the way he was eventually found was a mirror of many instances of falls he had had at home where he would pitch forward like a falling tree and land face down, absolutely out. I now believe the only reason one of those didn't kill him was that I or the kids were there to rouse him. He did have investigations, but it was apparently a form of heart disease where the conclusive diagnosis tended to rock up post mortem.

You are both making really valid points. It is good to have people to talk to on here who have been through the same thing. I cleaned blood off the carpets only this afternoon from him. I don't clean up his mess ever but I did not want the blood to dry which would make it harder.

Such a lot to think about. I read that alcoholics are at an increased risk of developing dementia and I really don't want to spend what is left of my life nursing him through that having already gone through the chaos of living with an alcoholic.

These days I don't particularly get on with him when he is sober. I feel so resentful and can't help having constant digs about his behaviour and what we have had to suffer because of him. Were it not for the kids there's no way on this earth I would still be with him.

Then leave him, not just for your sake but theirs. This is no way for children to live.

@CharlotteByrde I know. I doubt anyone will believe me or will think I am deluding myself but the kids are pretty well adjusted and OK. We function fine as a unit of 4 when DH is drinking and I talk to them about it a lot. The biggest problem for them (well one of them) is not being able to have friends over and that does break my heart a little.

Just catching up on a lot of the messages here and sending big hugs to you @Anjelika
I've just realised there are online SMART friends and family meetings so I am going to join in on one next week. Feels slightly less daunting than going to an in person meeting and SMART doesn't seem to operate in my part of the UK in person yet.

My husband is on a full on charm offensive at the moment, talking about organising overnight baby sitter by his mum, booking restaurants and even talking about date night. I think he is absolutely delusional because only a few weeks ago we talked seriously about separating. I'm cold at the thought of kissing him let alone having sex and I can't imagine anything worse than going out for dinner just the two of us and him expecting me to get drunk with him and then have sex. I'm scared to bring it up again because I just know he will fly off the handle.

Oh yikes @slummymummy35 that sounds awful! I feel the same about the thought of kissing or having sex with my DH too. Mine is a full blown vodka drinking alcoholic so if we went out it would only ever be when he was in a period of sobriety and drinking wouldn't be an issue. He would drink soft or alcohol free drinks. I wouldn't walk to the end of the drive with him right now, let alone go out for a meal!!!

What would happen if you told your DH you didn't want to go and explain why this is?

Lol @Anjelika we will find out soon because that's exactly the conversation I'm planning to have with him. I expect it will result in a huge temper tantrum from him and more accusations of how boring I am and how shit I am to be married to. Cause I don't like to get drunk and dare criticise him for having fun.

He's currently in bed hungover as he doesn't start work today until 11. I can predict the nights he will drink before he does based on his shift the following day. Or if there's football on tv.

@Anjelika and @slummymummy35 you both remind me of me before I took the plunge and did the ultimatum. Strong, keeping things going, maintaining the facade.

It's not necessarily a good thing. I hope you both reach your 'enough is enough' moment soon.

It's a total joke here. DH is trying to WFH whilst drinking! Yesterday he was literally out cold for most of the day and kept popping onto his laptop every time he woke to read emails. This morning he had a video call with his Line Manager which I overheard as we sit in the same room whilst WFH. He got off the call and was straight on the vodka. It's unreal.

@Anjelika , he's clearly spiralling. Once that starts to happen it's apocalyptic. Mine went from functional to suicidal and being admitted for emergency detox in the space of about 6 weeks.

Thanks @pointythings I'm think I've reached my enough is enough now. He knows it too. Hasn't stopped him drinking though. Although he has cut down (for him) which means he still drinks enough that would kill me but he is managing to stagger to bed and not pass out on the sofa.

I'm just now trying to get my shit together and gather the strength for the showdown to tell him I still feel the same way about divorcing.

@Anjelika that sounds absolutely horrendous for you all. I agree with pointythings it sounds like he is spiralling. I hope you have some real life support but I suspect if you're like me you haven't told anyone just how bad it is. It's only in the past week that I've even posted anything online about it.

Sending hugs and strength to you x

@pointythings he was very lucky to be admitted for any kind of detox. In the 13 years I've been struggling with this, my DH only once made the waiting list for detox and by the time his turn came around he had already sobered up. I guess each alcoholic has their own patterns. Mine isn't remotely functioning at the moment. He sits at his desk and has no clue what he's doing. In fact I have just glanced round and think he could even be asleep!! He is on a final warning at work after going AWOL for over 2 weeks during his last relapse but I think this is the end now as he's done no work all week.

@Anjelika mine was admitted for detox because he was ex US military and working for them in a civilian role, so he got his healthcare through the base hospital and they funded it. It wouldn't have happened if he'd been a UK national depending on the NHS.

And it did bugger all good. He was in for a fortnight (of blessed respite for me and DDs as he was in London) and he was drinking again the day he came back home. After that it all accelerated over a period of about a fortnight until the night he threatened to kill me and he got removed.

@slummymummy35 the starting divorce/getting rid stage is horrendous. But the end result is absolutely worth it.

Thank you @pointythings I wasn't going to say anything to him before he left for work but he just came downstairs ranting about how I wouldn't "fuck him" (his horrible words not mine) and I just said to him clearly and calmly that I had no interest in being intimate, I have repeatedly told him he has a drink problem yet he refuses to accept it and I haven't changed my mind about divorcing him.

He said I was "shit" and "minus craic" all summer - I replied he was on a bender for 6 weeks. He said "well I've stopped now so what's your problem?!" To which I reminded him that he can't go more than 2 days without a drink and also that he pissed in the corner of our room last week, not the behaviour of someone who has it all together. And he doesn't get that it's been over a decade of lurching from one crisis to another with his drinking.

You are all giving me so much strength not to put up with this crap any more. Thank you

@slummymummy35 when you stop caving and pandering and start standing your ground, they tend to get more unpleasant and aggressive. When I insisted mine did rehab, he told me that I should realise that he would then drink more in the runup to starting rehab. So I told him that would be his choice and his responsibility. The look on his face was priceless.

He did become much more difficult to live with once he realised that I was carrying the ultimatum through. That was because it was an ultimatum on me not on him, but he didn't see that.