Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[fedup078]

Hi
I haven't seen a dedicated thread for the families or partners of alcoholics / problem drinkers so I thought I'd start one for people to check in for support.

My mother was a problem drinker from when I was 12 until she died when I was 36 2 years ago . I was nc at the time

Currently divorcing a drinker and feeling quite low about it all suddenly. I know there was nothing else I could do but it doesn't make it easier .

Have given al-anon a thought a few times but I'm not sure in person / zoom meetings are for me.

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@Pennywalks it is so, so hard. But you have absolutely done the right thing. I still remember how it felt to realise that I was a lone parent now (because I knew my late husband would not recover, and because my DDs didn't want contact with him). I don't know how old your DC are, but every time you hit a low, remind yourself that you have saved them. Having an active alcoholic for a parent and living in the house with them is incredibly damaging and they are now with you, the stable and functional parent.

And it does get better. There is a new normal and it's so much better than what you have been living with. It's been a month; it's going to take longer than that. But you will get through this.

@pointythings thank you. My DC are 14 and 9, my eldest doesn’t want to see him at all as near the end he had started getting angry and threatening towards her as well as me but youngest has been seeing him for a few hours over the weekend.
He is great when not drinking or hungover but I could go weeks/months not seeing him truly sober. I suppose I need to keep reminding myself that this is to keep my girls safe and happy and him being sober never lasts for long.
I just so wish things were different…

Sorry, just realised name change fail!

@Pennywalks focus on your kids and try not to dwell on him and his issues. You can't fix him -he has chosen drink over you because the alcohol has taken over his brain and made rational decision making almost impossible. You, on the other hand, are able to make the best decision possible for your children-getting them away from a horribly stressful and latterly dangerous situation. For their sakes, as well as your own, you need to think to the future. Those years weren't wasted, because you've got two wonderful children, but he has to be part of your past.

@CharlotteByrde I really must be emotional today…you just made me cry!
It is totally rubbish knowing that a bottle of vodka comes above me though.
I’ll keep going and look forward to settling into our new normal, hopefully never to be treated like that again. My dc are already much happier and relaxed at home.

@Pennywalks I am so glad that you are already seeing positive changes in your children. I will never forget the evening, about 3 days after my late husband was removed from our house by the police, when DD1 was having a shower and I heard her singing in the shower. She hadn't done that for years, because her father always told her off for being too loud.

There is also nothing wrong with grieving for the relationship you had before the alcohol took hold. I was with my late husband for a total of 25 years. The vast majority of those years were good ones - he was a good man, kind, funny, generous, a good dad. Then life happened, he turned to drink and became the addicted abuser I ended up with. None of that means the good years didn't happen and you are allowed to be sad for the loss.

Totally agree with @pointythings. You are perfectly entitled to feel sad. The emotions I found dangerous were guilt, because guilt can undermine your resolve, and anger/resentment, because those feelings brought me down. I decided early on, for my own sanity, that if my DH could think straight he would never put me and his beloved children over a bottle of vodka. He had just lost the ability to think straight. That approach made it easier to keep guilt at bay when it came to lawyers and fighting to keep the house. I KNEW that if my DH was in his right mind he would always choose what was best for the kids, so I fought for them.

@CharlotteByrde so true about guilt being the real risk. I can't tell you how many times guilt almost tempted me to back down - from following through on the ultimatum once I had given it, from following through on divorcing him once he had shown himself not to be serious about giving up alcohol, from making him move out once his post rehab behaviour became so bad that it was beyond all the things he had done before.

I attended a support group (run by his rehab) for relatives - relatives could attend for as long as they wanted irrespective of whether their loved one was still in rehab. That group kept me strong. I might well have caved without them. The rehab has now closed but the group continues and I'm a co-facilitator. We support people through the guilt all the time.

I read this thread last night with interest. There are some very wise words here and some very strong women. My DH went from big drinker to full blown alcoholic 12 years ago. Since then we have enjoyed periods of proper sobriety - 19 months was the record I think with a couple of 12 month periods in there too. 2020 and 2021 were OK years - just 1 short episode of drinking each year - but this year has been a shit show and he's been drinking on and off since May. When he does drink we are talking full blown 0-60 on vodka with lots of falls and passing out, not being "merry" in any way. There is no violence but it is absolute hell to live with. We have 3 DC's (teens) who are used to this way of living now and tbh we get along fine without him when he is drinking. I know I need to get out of this situation. It's hard though as when he is sober for long periods of time like he has been for 3 years really he is a good dad - helps out big time with the cooking and cleaning etc - but right now he seems to have taken a massive step backwards and can't stay sober for more than 5 weeks.

I'm not looking for advice as such - just wanted to vent and get other peoples perspectives.

@Anjelika welcome to the thread and you can always vent here.

Are you and your teenagers getting any support to help you deal with things when he is drinking? Because this is going to have an impact even though you have adapted.

Ultimately each one of us has to make our own choices about what we can and cannot live with.

@pointythings we haven't. I went to an Al-Anon meeting many years ago but it did nothing for me. I also saw a couple of counsellors and that did help. Tbh I am so busy I haven't got time to go out to any meetings. I work FT and the kids have loads of hobbies I have to ferry them to, not to mention all the cooking and housework. I run which helps with the mental load a bit.

@Anjelika Al-Anon isn't for everyone - the group I'm part of works more along the lines of SMART Family&Friends, which is CBT based and completely secular. For your teens I suggest NACOA - they provide a lot of resources online. SMART F&F also operate online groups, which may be easier for you. It really helps if you feel you aren't alone. I've also always worked FT and couldn't attend all meetings, but even every so often or online helped.

@pointythings I prefer SMART Recovery and the online meetings might be an option as there are no physical meetings local to me.

@Anjelika I couldn't agree with you more.

Good luck, and if your teens ever express an interest in support resources, nacoa is there for them. They have to come to it themselves, my two took quite a while before they were ready to tackle their experiences. It didn't help that my late husband was also abusive.

Vent away @Anjelika, I think we all need that.

Does anyone else have moments of realising the little (and not so little) ways living with an alcoholic has affected them?

I drink very little alcohol these days and never, ever on my own, because of the associations with my ex’s secretive drinking. At the weekend, I had some friends around and we had a couple of glasses but a nearly full bottle of wine was left on the kitchen top for a week after. I realised that the bottle was making me really uncomfortable. I would never have left that hanging around as he’d have swiped it. He also used to leave bottles half full on display, presumably to “convince” me he didn’t have a problem. Trouble was, the levels in those bottles used to go up and down (he was presumably drinking and refilling from another bottle). It’s hard to shake that anxious watchfulness.

on the other hand, I revel in being able to keep a bottle of cooking booze in the cupboard for months on end now. It never disappears from the cupboard!

@AFitOfTheVapours that's not a problem I have! My DH only drinks vodka so it's not unusual for me to have an opened bottle of wine in the fridge and it stay there for a week. It is a complete myth that vodka has no smell - I can smell it at 20 paces and absolutely detest the stuff. I hate (when he's sober) the constant being on the watchout for him drinking and then when I suspect he is (and I am rarely if ever wrong) being gaslighted when he denies it. It's then a game of cat and mouse until I catch him in the act and the whole sorry episode then unfolds.

Does anyone else have a completely "other" life outside of the home? I go into the office twice a week and no-one has the first idea of what's going on at home. Similarly last weekend another parent who works with disadvantaged children was talking about the things some poor kids have to see at home. He has no idea whatsoever that my children fall into that category. I present as a "normal" person, we live in a nice house. People would be shocked.

@Anjelika that was me - the one with the functioning family and the happy home life while all the time I was sick with anxiety and watching the empties pile up every single day. When I finally decided enough was enough, one of the first things I did was have a one to one with my line manager and tell her I could no longer do overnights away for work, and why that was. I got incredible support.

The more people I told, the better it got. That actually included his side of the family as well, they didn't take sides but just supported us both and I got no resentment at all when I made the decision to divorce him.

@AFitOfTheVapours I still have moments when I look in the drinks cupboard and feel a sense of amazement when nothing has changed in there since the last time I was in there.

My late husband never drank my stuff either, he bought cheap vodka or brandy and had that straight from the bottle. I'm an utter lightweight.

Oh the double life! Yes, I had that in bucketloads too. The lying and gaslighting are completely corrosive. Although I think being able to continue a parallel “normal” life was essential for the sanity of me and my children, it was such a relief to start sharing what was really going on. think that’s the beginning of our own recovery. As they say: sunlight is the best disinfectant.

@Anjelika people are still shocked at the reality of our situation. I still find it amazing what I adapted to put up with.

@pointythings your in laws sound special. That must’ve been a hard line for them to walk and I’m glad you got the support. My in laws haven’t been great but everyone else has been fantastically supportive. Somehow, though, the unquestioning understanding of others who have lived with an alcoholic is incredibly important- for me, anyway.

My SIL (DH's sister) is fantastic and very supportive. DH's parents are no longer here but would be horrified if they were.

I told my boss in the job I had when the kids were way younger. I needed to because of suddenly having to dash off to pick up when DH failed to show. I don't need to now as the DC's get themselves to and from school.

Very few people where we live know. I told a friend this summer when things were particularly bad but she doesn't know it's all started up again. I do feel like I live quite the double life!

@AFitOfTheVapours it was my MIL's sudden death that triggered my husband's descent and by that time FIL had already been dead a few years. But his cousins, siblings etc. were all there for both of us.

Opening up about what was happening was the start of it all. Things got better step by step after that - a big load fell off when he was made to move out, the house was so much happier without him. But I still worried about him - that didn't stop until I got the call to say he had died. The first thing I actually felt in that moment was relief.

@pointythings can I ask how you got your husband removed from the house? When I have looked into this in the past I was told he could only. be removed if he was violent. Much as I want him out when drinking, I could never lie and say he has threatened us. It seems that although he is a danger in other ways - leaving the front door unlocked or even open, falling over and bleeding everywhere and causing damage, so long as he's not violent we have to put up with it.

@Anjelika my husband threatened to kill me and I called the police, who came quickly and took it very seriously. I was told I did not have to let him back in and that I could get an emergency occupation order. It was terrifying, I have never been so scared in my life.

He had already agreed to move out but had been dragging his heels. It was amazing how quickly he got his accommodation sorted once he had no choice though.

@pointythings that must have been terrifying. How awful for you! Mine just passes out and isn't fussy where. My kids once had to step over his body on the path outside our house to get to school - nice.

Bloody hell, @Anjelika, that's just as awful in its own way. I really hope you will come to a point where the balance tips and you can divorce him and live your life without him. At least mine mostly had the grace to do his passing out in the bedroom (I spent the last 4 years of my marriage in the spare room and was so grateful we had one!).