The Freedom Thread; for those embracing a life without alcohol.

[Drybird2020]

Welcome to the 7th thread in this series, which has helped me and many others find the way to a life free of and free from alcohol.

Anyone is welcome! Newbies, you will find emotional support, tips for handling cravings, strategies for handling social occasions and plenty of first-hand experiences to mirror your own. An alcohol problem makes you feel lonely and isolated, but you are not alone.

Please be aware that this is an abstinence thread – it can be difficult and triggering in the early stages to be around alcohol related chat (however, it might help to know that one of the gifts of long-term sobriety is not being at all bothered by people drinking or talking about drinking in your presence!) So, if you feel that moderation is for you, or if you feel you need to cut down before stopping, there are other threads in Alcohol Support that can help, or you can start one for the specific support you need.

Oldies, come and share milestones, enjoy the chat, and pay forward the kindness and non-judgemental support we have all benefitted from. And when you have the time, do yourselves a favour by finding where you started and reading through all your posts, it will show you how far you have come and what you have achieved! (I'll add links to previous threads in my next post).

This thread caught my eye on the active list. I just want to say that it's almost 12 years since I had my last alcoholic drink. Before that I'd had a couple of long stretches (years sometimes) without alcohol but had never dealt with the problem of feeling different, ironic as I'd known since my early teens that my relationship with alcohol was different to that of most people.

If this lovely supportive thread had been available to me I feel sure it would have helped.

Never too late though, I'm going to look up Annie Grace as I'd never heard of her.

Keep on keeping on everyone

Hi, can I join? I've been a heavy drinker for years, and it's got worse during lockdown. Went to GP with tingling sensations in lower leg and a blood test shows liver is a bit abnormal. GP advised I don't drink for a month and repeat blood test to see if it improves. I'm really cross with myself for getting to this point. Why do I drink? I think a mixture of boredom and associating it with being a treat, a reward, a means of numbing stress etc. I've obviously stopped drinking, this is day 4. Not too bad so far, but I know I need to reprogramme my thoughts about alcohol. I'm also really worried about how much damage I've done to my health. You lot seem lovely, so thought I'd ask to join in!

Welcome Iscrewedup
You are doing something for yourself you won't regret. Keep posting, this thread is great to drop into as you get further down the line but also great for daily support at the beginning when each day is a huge achievement. Keep going. You've got this!

Welcome nellienolan your wisdom and experience will be so valuable to have on here. A real inspiration for us a bit behind you that it's worth it. Thank you for coming on.

Congratulations @bunniesBunniesBunnies I am delighted for you on your big milestone well done

Welcome all the newbies and those of you in the UK with the pub opening challenges I can see it myself online all the drinks and celebrations. When things open up here I'll be having a nice AF beer and two bags of crisps in the 🌞

Wow! Thank you @DryBird2020 for making these theads. As someone who is somewhat newly sober (100 days today) it's awesome to see a whole load of other women doing the same. Thank you for all being an inspiration and continuing this important subject.

Thank you for the welcome. I'm sitting here sipping an AF G&T and it's a revelation! Really enjoying it, and it's hitting that need for an early evening treat that wine has done for far too long. Just had my first hangover free weekend for years. Today is a good day, but I know I will face harder.

Thanks for sharing @nellienolan, 12 years is amazing😊

hi iscrewedup if there's an option to change your name you should!! You sound like you're on a really good back to health journey which is far from screwing up, it's the opening of a new chapter and you won't regret it, just get yourself a toolbox, write it all out, and read all the quit lit! Well done.

Hi. I might look into changing my name. I am just so annoyed at myself for getting to this point! I'm doing ok though. Just panicking that I've got an unexpected doctors appointment sent to me firc2 weeks time. He told me on Friday to stay off the booze for 4 weeks and do a repeat blood test to see if my liver is improving, the speak to him again. I'm hoping this new appointment is to check how I'm doing, and not to tell me he's spotted something worse!

You can deal with that on the day. Guilt is really hard emotion I find but you have to try self compassion practices that will help you stay motivated and forward focused, I find Tara Brach very good if you google. Hopefully the Dr just wants to check in with you on how abstaining is going.

Thanks for replying - this feels like quite a lonely place to be so it helps to have a forum like this. The guilt is currently worse than not drinking! I'll have a look for Tara Brach.

Your feelings are very normal @Iscrewedup, I think guilt&self loathing are very familiar to many of us, especially towards the end of our drinking/at the start of sobriety (well, it was for me anyway). I’m now a year in and have completely let go of guilt. It’s very liberating. You are doing great, keep going!

Welcome @Iscrewedup and I agree that your name should be much more positive given the positive changes you’ve already made. There’s lots of emotions mixed up with drinking but acknowledging we’ve ‘screwed up’ is a great first step but don’t give yourself a hard time. The only thing you can change is your next action. it’s great you’re enjoying an AF G&T. Have you got any Quit literature, podcasts etc? I did Annie Grace’s freebie month long ‘alcohol experiment’. She also posts a fair bit on FB and has podcasts and YouTube videos as well as her book. There’s actually loads of podcasts about quitting. I’ve not read anything else but there’s lots of recommendations on this threads first post. (I’m going to google Tara Brach as recommended by cartooner) I’ve also got the ‘I am sober’ app. Initially I wrote down loads but now it just tracks the number of days (122). I forget to look at it now and am always quite surprised. Keep at & keep posting in here.

Wow @nellienolan 12 years! I’m lost for words other than wow. Just wow!

Hello, can I join you?

I'm two weeks into a VLCD where I obviously had to give up the booze, and I took the opportunity to sign up for Annie Grace and am thinking about making the change permanent.

I know the hard thing about giving up is going to be renegotiating my relationship with my DH. We both like to have a drink in the evening to chat before cooking a nice meal - the booze makes us chatty and the evening fun and something to look forward to in a boring lockdown life. How will we cope if we're not drinking buddies?

Welcome @CardiganOfDoom! I was really worried about this too, but it turned out not to be an issue at all! In fact my marriage had much improved since I quit drinking.

My husband will sometimes still have a few beers or wine but it doesn’t bother me. He was never as a big a drinker as me, and he has been really supportive which helps.

I was worried about big milestones like birthdays and anniversaries and Christmas without booze, but I needn’t have worried. Each of them were actually better sober, especially Christmas😊 Good luck!

Welcome cardiganofdoom

When I restarted drinking last time after a longish period of time, a friend of mine actually asked my dh what it was like to have his drinking buddy back. And the friend doesn't drink himself! It kind of shocked me.
And I did wonder how that would affect us? We got together within a really heavy drink and drug culture and although we had let go of the drugs lifestyle many years ago, he was right, it was a shared thing we did - drinking!

But it hasn't at all affected our relationship badly, in fact, like bunnies I'd say it has improved our relationship so much.

He still drinks, but doesn't have an issue with his levels other than now and again thinking he has overdone it and needs to cut back. He definitely is inspired and impressed by my non drinking (much more this time around tbh) and it encourages him to have more dry days and drink less in general.

We do other things now. It maybe seems a bit twee but our latest 'vice' that we do together is breakfast cake at the weekend. We plan it and buy it and have a lie in and have coffee and cake/biscuits in bed on a Saturday morning.

So, I suppose like any habit that you are in that you want to change, you just jiggle things around.

You can still enjoy cooking together and having that time for conversation. That doesn't change. It's just that alcohol isn't part of it. And that's okay.

It is like the celebrations. Who would have thought that birthdays (and I had my 50th last year dry) and Christmases and other high days and holidays could be done without booze? But they can! The celebration isn't in anyway worse for not having alcohol. In fact I would go as far as to say they are better without.

I was present for my whole birthday. I enjoyed every moment. And I really enjoyed the day after too. So it felt like it lasted longer as I didn't have to spend the day in bed nursing a hangover and all the associated anxieties that go with it.

I suppose, it's about finding joy in the activity that you're doing. Cooking together and relaxing and chatting together is a lovely thing to do together at the end of the day. The drinking has only been a small part of it. The rest of it doesn't stop being joyful.

Couldn’t agree more with @Breathmiller’s wise words!

Yes wise words. Christmas was a revelation to me, I was never a heavy drinker myself but made up for it at Christmas drinking almost every day of the break and earlier in the day than usual too. I had a ball Christmas just gone and immersed myself in the traditions, movies, crafting which I love, long walks, food, being present with the kids....I didn't miss it. My mother spends Christmas with us and enjoys a drink and I made us AF G&Ts and she loved it, she drank much less than she usually would being impressed at my zero alcohol.

I do still struggle with the is this forever question but just refocus to the day I'm in.

12 years is very impressive!

Thanks everyone. I do already kind of suspect this to be true - after all, I loved parties as a child with no booze and suspect I was way more giddy :) But I'm still scared - we've been together 24 years and we've been drinkers almost the whole time!

Last night I mentioned the idea of me not saying forever, but trying for a whole year off, so that I can't just muscle through as I can in dry January, putting life on hold, but have to address issues and find new ways to enjoy myself. I think DH might even be amenable to trying it too, which would make things a whole lot easier - particularly socialising with friends where if he was drinking I'd be nervous of having to stay on long past the point where they all get boring with alcohol.

Yes, I understand that feeling. We have spent most of our 21 years together pissed. It's nice to try it sober. 🙂

I also used to want my dh to stop too. It would be easier. And I would feel he was supporting me. But I have realised this is my thing. My life (or journey for want of a better non wanky word). It's my relationship with alcohol I needed to change. I didn't and still don't need him to address his relationship with alcohol. It makes no difference to me and my plan. Because primarily his drinking doesn't cause him concern. This is time for me to look after me. What other people do around me is none of my concern. Which sounds selfish. But I needed to do that. I needed to make that commitment to my own health.

I so much agree with all of your posts, you are my people😂😅

I agree about it being my issue and my decision, Breathmiller, and if I have to I will deal with this alone. However, my DH is not a moderate drinker either - though sadly we have different ways of drinking which make things worse for both of us. I like to start drinking and find nights off boring (!) but I tend to stop before I've had too much (for some definition of too much - I can usually stop before the glass that means I'll not sleep and feel tired the next day - I don't really get hangovers). DH doesn't want to start drinking as much, but once we do he finds it harder to stop, especially if we're with drinking friends.

Anyway, I'll not push the year off - I think he may want to give it a try without any pressure anyway - but I might ask for help if any difficult socialising crops up.

Bunniesbunniesbunnies- me too :)

Please may I join too? I'm on day 34 but did Dry Jan and then after a couple of bad weeks in February and March realised I can't really moderate.

I've realised the long list of benefits of not drinking, know that I can't moderate but feel uncomfortable putting the 'forever' label on things just yet.

My life doesn't involve many danger situations as I'm the biggest drinker out of my friends, DH is very supportive etc. I think it'll be the occasional extended family meals that I'll struggle with and most need encouragement with.

@Hepzibar, I was a lurker on the dry jan thread and was so happy to see your name crop up here and how far you've come - it's really given me motivation that it gets easier.

I would like to say I really admire you all for the courage you all show doing this. Keep going and the very best wishes to you all.

Isn't that funny cardiganofdoom
We are the exact opposite. My dh is more likely to drink every night but not over do it quite as much. Whereas I would have more days off, sometimes all week but go hell for leather on a Friday night then over do it and feel terrible the next day.

Do I think he drinks too much? Yes, probably. But, I've realised I can't change that, or at least I'm not as responsible for that as I used to think. I can only change my own behaviour. The positive side of me not drinking though is he definitely doesn't drink as much and has more days off now.

My friend, who doesn't drink much anymore couldn't understand why I was stopping. I think she thought it was overkill. Why couldn't I just drink less like her? But, once I start I have no off switch. One of the best sayings that helped me at the beginning was "I can have any drink I want - just not the first one" . That kind of sums it up for me and my pattern. Once my friend and I started talking more she realised it's best for me or at least she respected my decision more. She is a coca-cola addict and can't have it in the house or she drinks it to excess. She saw the similarities when it was pointed out to her and we agreed that if it feels like it's an issue, if it causes you anxious thoughts then it's probably the right decision to address in it some way.

It's funny , once I decided to go it alone despite what my dh did, I found it a lot easier. I can control my own actions much easier than I can try to control or change someone elses. It was quite a lightbulb moment for me actually.