Struggling

[Peachyqueen]

Have posted this on a thread but thought I'd get some good responses if I started my own.

I've had a scare the last few nights. Have gradually increased drinking over the years and always struggled to moderate....when everyone was moving on to coffee I was ordering another drink, they were calling taxis I was ordering another drink etc.

Tried dry January and made it 10 days before I caved and drunk a whole bottle of wine, and have done that most nights since. I feel awful when I drink, out of control, limbs feel buzzy/numb almost, I struggle to sleep and get night sweats and headaches/stomachaches but I just can't stop.

I don't want to go teetotal but I know I need to for a while. I've had a lager tonight and have had to come to bed early as I've got extremely bad gastric pain and heartburn for the 3rd night in a row. I've done the online DrinkAware assessment which said I was drinking over 60 units a week - I'm totally disgusted with myself.

I don't want to admit I have a problem other than on here, because that means I will have to stick to it and not drink. I know some family won't understand either, but tbh they can fuck off. I am so close to telling my best friend that I'm worried I have a problem, but that makes it real and tangible and I can never take that back.

Really struggling with what to do.

Here to handhold.

I have just started my detox so I know all about those symptoms you describe.

All I can tell you was that I had an episode of such severe pain in my lower stomach and lower back that I convinced myself I was well on the way to killing myself with alcohol.

Please tell your GP you are struggling with alcohol abuse. It was a mortifying conversation for me especially when he asked how much I was drinking but there was some relief in it.

Please go for it - for the sake of your health as well as all the important things in your life.

Happy to stay in touch if you'd like.

I totally understand the not wanting to tell people. I think in my case it was because that would mean, if I then drank again, people would then judge me as a failure.

I was a 60-70 units a week drinker. I’ve now been alcohol free for 8 months. There is no point me trying to moderate, I’ve always been the “no coffee/pudding for me thanks, I’ll have another drink” type too. I had previously failed dry jan, dry July, sober October more times than I can remember. I just finally had enough. Enough of feeling awful, feeling ashamed, always being the drunkest, never knowing when to stop. On holiday for a short break in 2019 I watched a little old man, in the pouring rain, with a wheeled Walker shuffle down the street, take an empty wine bottle out of a carrier bag and put it in the public bin then shuffle back into his house. I didn’t want to end up a little old lady shamefully hiding her empties from her worried family.

I read the unexpected joy of being sober when I decided to stop and it helped enormously. I sleep better, look better, feel better and my anxiety is a lot better. No one regrets not having a drink.
Only you can decide what to do but your friend could be help and support for you if you decide to tell her.

Thank you both so much for your posts. I'll have a look for that book too @Oldhabitsarehardtobreak. I've got Bryony Gordon's book on order too.

The pain has stopped me from opening a bottle of wine tonight so I guess that's a silver lining?

I just don't want to say the words to people, or admit it. I worry they'll think I'm being over dramatic. I don't want to never have a drink again. But I don't want to reach 40/50/60 and end up with serious health issues.

This is so hard. It seems like everyone on social media or the TV is drinking tonight too, it's so glamourised and "acceptable". It feels so unfair that others can drink and it doesn't seem to affect them so badly, they can moderate and say no.

I read Annie Grace, Jason Vale, Catherine grey and Claire Pooley (google them, they've all written some really insightful and supportive books). Also search for Annie Grace - 30 day alcohol experiment. It's free and has some good videos.

I found throwing myself into 'quit lit', following the threads on here and having some alcohol free drinks to hand all helped.

I'm on day 36, not sure when I'll drink again, but know I've needed this reset. If I were you I would read The Naked Mind by Annie Grace, and try her 30 day experiment - it's changed the way I think about alcohol.

Hi Peachyqueen,
I can really relate to what you say about telling someone else and making it real. But it sounds like you could really do with the support of your best friend at the moment. Could you just tell her you're worried you're drinking a bit much rather than talking about having "a problem"? Maybe if you just explain how you feel rather than labelling it. Loads of people worry they drink too much and at least that would be a starting point for you to chat to your friend, and even test the water with her.
Also, maybe you don't need to make big decisions about long-term sobriety right now. You feel you need to cut it out for a while- so just focus on that and then regroup down the line a bit.

You talked about how bad drinking makes you feel, but you can't stop. I felt like this too at a time. The hard question is why do we keep doing it? What role is it playing? What need is it fulfilling? It may not be obvious, but there must be some perceived benefit of keeping on drinking.

I've come to realise that i was often quite mixed up about this, about what i was really wanting. For example, i drank because i was anxious, because i was bored, because i wanted to relax, because i wanted an excuse for an early night, etc, etc. I rarely drank because i liked being drunk. And there are many other better ways to solve the problems i used as reasons to drink.
@Oldhabitsarehardtobreak - that story about the little old man really got to me! I can see why that had an impact on you.

Hi there - please don't be ashamed of talking to your doctor. Doctors have seen it all before and help people with all sorts of conditions related to over drinking, over eating etc.

I am sober for the first time in many years.

It took a visit to the gp, confessing all to her, and a worrying result from a blood test on my liver, to convince me to stop.

I was drinking a bottle of wine and a couple of gin and tonics every night for years.

The blood test showed I was well on my way to getting liver disease and that scared me into sobering. I am 51 and healthy in other ways - plenty of exercise, healthy diet - but I was walking around with a lethal condition that only shows symptoms when is beyond help.

This is an illness and it's not your fault.

It is a very serious and destructive illness and I highly recommend you find support in giving up.

The internet is full of support and I have found it really helpful.

I am part of a FB group called Alcohol Explained. It's run by a recovering alcoholic called William Porter, who has written two very brilliant books about drink addiction. It's a friendly, non judgemental group and I really think that it has helped saved my sanity.

Thank you all. You've all been so kind.

Today is day 1. I've decided that I will limit my alcohol intake to weekends and DH will help me to moderate. Things don't feel as bad today but I know that's a slippery slope.

No chest or stomach pains today.

Glad you're feeling a bit better. It's good to have a plan, but make sure you keep re-evaluating it. If moderating works for you, brilliant! But if it stops working, you might need to be prepared to make a plan B. Make sure you keep talking to your hubby and be honest. He can only help you if you keep him in the loop.
Good luck! I really hope it works for you. X

Thank you @JCBluebell.

Had horrible nightmares about all the times I showed myself up and made a twat of myself after drinking too much. Now they're stuck in my head and I can't stop thinking about it all. So bloody rubbish.

Books should be arriving today so they will be a good distraction (because kids, home schooling and everything else isn't enough, right?!)

Those thoughts are upsetting, but maybe you can use them as a motivator to get out of this pattern and be the person you're proud to be instead.
I reckon home schooling has driven many parents to drink! You definitely need some time to focus on yourself.

Peachy I have made an arse of myself so many times...

I still cringe, but it's in the past now.

Hi
Im sober for 2 years now , but it took a detox to help me.
I was on my own and drinking 4 bottles of wine per 24 hours plus cider.
Tried to detox by cutting down and with valium off gp I just added valium to my drug list.
Ended up in hospital my own choice tho and 11 days later I was home and have not touched a drop since.
Don't try it alone it can be dangerous , but you can get thru it . .
Here if you need me x

I'm managing ok at home at the moment. Despite my earlier posts I have decided to abstain completely for a little while. Easy at the moment with no social gatherings or get together happening. The real test will be when lockdown is finally lifted.

Day 3 and feeling the benefits already. DS(2) is an early riser and I actually enjoyed being up with him to see the sunset this morning, whereas previously I would be cursing him and popping painkillers. I've also started taking some vitamins- D, calcium, E, cod liver oil - to try and boost my system a bit.

I hope its OK to keep coming back here. I still don't feel ready to talk IRL so this is good accountability for me.

Sunrise obviously, not sunset

Hi @Peachyqueen, well done on Day 3, that's fab! Try some Vit B also, apparently alcohol leaches it from the system. I've mentioned it before, but I do think Annie Grace is a really helpful online read.

I decided to try a break from alcohol on Jan 5th, after some less than ideal blood test results. Am still af, and at this stage I think I'll try to make it to 100 days and then reassess.

Keep posting, I agree that the online accountability is really helpful, especially when you don't want to talk about it in real life.

@KittytheHare well done, that's a fantastic achievement. I read somewhere that the feeling of being sober in the morning will always feel better than that 1st, 2nd or 7th drink and I hold onto that.

Well done, Peachy! That's brilliant! In a way i think cutting it out completely, at least for a while, is a much simpler way to do it. Trying to cut down can be hard to stick to.
Yes, the mornings without a hangover are so much better!
Defo keep posting here! Happy to try to help.
There's also another thread with 2 or 3 people on day 5 now. Maybe you're following it, but they are proving to be a great support to each other. You might find it helpful. The title is something like "drinking way too much- need to detox".
You're doing great!

Hi Peachyqueen, how have things been today?

Sorry. I've let myself down this weekend.

2 bottles of wine, 4 cans & 2 large bottles of lager over 2 nights.

Both DH & I talked this morning about how this isn't doing either of us any good - he doesn't drink anywhere near as much as me but wants to cut back.

Determind to carry on and stay sober this week. No alcohol in the house anymore so that will help. Am going to run it all off this evening.

No apology, Peachy. Don't beat yourself up. Use it as learning experience. You seem determined and convinced that you need to change things. It's so hard if you're trying not to drink and there's alcohol in the house, so that will help a lot. So glad you have your hubby's support.
Baby steps, Peachy. Keep reminding yourself why you want to stop. And keep talking to your DH and posting on here.
You can do this.

Hi Peachy,
I'm in a similar boat here. It's so hard isn't it. Day 1 for me today (again).

I had more day ones than i can remember! It took me a lot of tries before i finally quit a few years ago.
It can be really disheartening, but i think each time you get a period of time off drink, you are edging forward, even if it's slowly. You learn a bit more about your relationship with alcohol each time you make a bit of progress.
The thing about day 1 is it's the hardest part. So if you fall off the wagon repeatedly, you're kinda torturing yourself with going through the hardest part over and over but never quite getting to the easy part.

Thanks @JCBluebell, that's a really good way of looking at it.

I've not really told anyone about my drinking issues other than my husband. I really don't want to admit to anyone because I feel shame and really I shouldn't. I think what I'm more scared of is me telling someone and them not being at all surprised …

I think it's so good to get support from people who are in your shoes and understand.

@BooksMusicSnacks, it definitely helps to have support from people who have been there. I was very lucky to find a counsellor who had been through it all. Made such a difference. But even having someone say "yes, me too!" reminds you you're not alone.
It's really tough feeling you have to keep it a secret. I'm glad you can at least be more honest with your husband.
Once you get past the initial stages, it is a much simpler and more enjoyable way of life. I feel such freedom from something that controlled me for so long. I recommend it!!!

So I'm back. I've admitted to 2 friends I have a problem. 1 of which and my husband(!) Think I just need to cut down.

I've had 2 cans of lager and a whole bottle of wine tonight. I feel fucking terrible.