Forever Free - a life without booze, 2020 onwards.

[Drybird2020]

This thread is a supportive place for anyone who no longer wants alcohol to be part of their life.
This is the 4th thread in a series. I started the first 30th December last year and have been sober ever since. I couldn't have done it without the tremendous support other posters have given me.
Previous threads are linked below and are useful reading for anyone starting out, as they are full of useful advice, suggestions for reading, and strategies for managing the tricky times. Plus you will see how similarly alcohol affects so many of us, and track the journeys of people who are successfully making the change and embraced a new and rewarding life.

Thread 1
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/3781133-Anyone-else-stopping-completely-in-2020

Thread 2
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/3810419-Still-stopped-in-2020-a-thread-for-anyone-abstaining-from-alcohol

Thread 3 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/3910349-Staying-Stopped-Alcohol-Free-permanently

The only rules are that you are committing to an alcohol free life, and that you have stopped drinking before you begin to post.

If anyone would like to use the new thread to (re)introduce themselves and give a wee summary of where they are at, please do!

I'd love a pair of Sweaty Betty's but I'd have to remortgage my house to afford them

I actually nearly three up after today's work out. I've been doing one of the Fitness Blender 5 day challenges (which is like an hour of HIIT, strength and cardio each day) and today's BROKE ME. Am going to have two rest days and eat everything unless there's tiny waves in which case me and my surfboard will do some hardcore falling in.

Night night from Australia sober legends, day 70 is almost in sight!

Sleep well @Hangingover, that’s a great total to have in your sights :-) I’m glad I’ve got some holiday booked soon ‘cos otherwise I’d be feeling hard done by 😀 Sounds like you had a good one @Drybird2020!

Will definitely need the sainty time running brings😂 thanks all.
Well done @Hangingover - that's awesome.

By the way @Drybird2020 I run at a similar pace! For me it’s not about speed, it’s all about time to myself & headspace:-)

Evening everyone, day 6 for me and feeling good! Made a new discovery in the week, Adnams Ghost Ship 0.5%, best AF drink I’ve had so far and I’ve stocked up for our camping trip next week. You all also inspired me to go for a run this morning

Glad you’re feeling good @Ifnotnowthenwhen5! And that you’re running!!!

I love the running on this thread!🤩🤩🤩

Evening sober babes. It's 3.30 here are I'm still awake as usual. Question: is this thread appropriate for some therapy type sharing about the reasons for problem drinking? There are so many serious questions I would love to hear other people's experiences of but this is such a positive thread I don't want to bring the vibe down.

I’m happy for you to share away @Hangingover, I think it’s probably helpful to look back at the whys especially if it helps you stay AF. Can’t see why that wouldn’t be a huge positive, having got yourself free, it’s brilliant you are where you are, no matter how dark the reason you got trapped in the first place.

I completely agree sharing is freeing and probably some similar stories. I am quite open about my behaviour but never really spoke about what I think escalated my drinking, not that I wouldn't just as hanging said worry about bringing things down. Although I think everyone on here is very supportive.

Okay, I suppose I should caveat it that anyone is free to completely ignore if they aren't in the headspace to share! If you want to share or add a question, do!

I'd love to know;

1. How you were introduced to alcohol
2. When/why you recognised the relationship with alcohol was problematic
3. How many times you actively tried to stop
4. Any particular steps/plans you have for staying sober or coming to terms with past behaviour.

I'll write mine below.

1. How you were introduced to alcohol My parents, I was about 14 I think. They used to buy me alcopops. They both drank every day so it was very normal. Back then my drinking was only very occasional, although I did the obligatory getting shitfaced and throwing up at a party aged 16 and my Mum had to put me to bed - that was the first time I remember having alcohol shame and the first time I remember the experience of being the drunkest person in the room. Those feelings have been permanent features ever since. Started drinking daily at uni.
2. When/why you recognised the relationship with alcohol was problematic Probably around third year of uni. I grew up in a house where drinking to being giggley was a nightly occurrence, and in years one and two at uni everyone drank very heavily so again I thought I was normal although I drank faster than everyone else. In my third and fourth year at uni I realised not everyone drinks every day and started drinking with dinner whether others did or not.
3. How many times you actively tried to stop Twice, first year of uni I self harmed very badly and drink made it worse, I lasted about 4 months. Second was four years ago in outpatient rehab for benzos. They didn't tell me to stop drinking exactly but I knew that I was partly taking the benzos so much to ward off the appalling hangovers every day. Again about 4 months.
4. Any particular steps/plans you have for staying sober or coming to terms with past behaviour I need to address my obsessive intrusive thoughts which stem from trauma. My drinking turned them down. During the day I manage by constantly have on audiobooks or the radio (even when in shower, on loo etc) because I cannot bear silence as the thoughts get in. Now there's no booze I have them all night too. I'm worried that by constantly distracting myself from any sort of introspection Ive stunted my own maturity.

Again, please please scroll on by if this doesn't serve you

I keep rereading what I've just written as I'm not sure I've written it all down so clearly before. I'm going to save it to read again in moments of weakness!

@Hangingover thanks for sharing, I think this is a great idea. If it’s too much for some of us I can sure they can scroll by. I will share later too but very busy today, but didn’t want your post to go unanswered and wanted to say you are really brave and awesome for quitting given what you just posted x

1. Started drinking very moderately in my late teens. Then drinking more as an undergrad, getting drunk sometimes as you do but not excessively so. Continued drinking in moderation in my early twenties.
2. Started drinking more in my mid twenties living with a dear friend who drank too much (she probably had a bottle a night, me half a bottle). I would still have nights off though. Drank too much but probably not much more than many people (well, then again many people drink too much...) but it wasn’t problematic at that point. Not interfering with life etc. Only drinking at/after dinner
3. Then a couple of years ago my youngest child was born and he was very sick for a long time (mostly fine now😍). It was an extremely stressful and traumatic time, I still have a lot of unprocessed trauma from that time. Wondering if he was going to survive etc (sorry if triggering). I am coming to realise now that a part of me really broke then. I was unable to feel much at all, and when I did feel things it was so overwhelming. Life because very overwhelming (lots of hospital appointments etc) and I started drinking to cope. Then about two years ago or so it really ranked up, drinking most days. At the start of this year I was thoroughly miserable (depressed?!) and I started drinking earlier in the day, and more. My marriage was under strain (from drinking and other things). In April one morning my husband had enough and suggested I took a break. At that point I was no longer feeling any benefits from drinking (it just worsened my mental health) so I agreed to have “a break”, not intending to go sober for life. Yet here I am nearly four months later because I have loved being sober so much😍😍😍
4. Never tried to STOP before but tried moderating many times and failed.
5. Still not sure on my long term sober plans but at the moment have no intention of going back to drinking. Why would I?! I have really come around to the idea that life is sooo much better without booze. Literally everything is better! Very rarely I crave a glass. I actually did last night crave one but this morning so glad I didn’t - and I had a lovely time last night without drinking! So I really feel I don’t need it. In terms of coming to terms with things, I am now having therapy to come to terms with the reasons I drank, and to work on my marriage. But the main thing that is sustaining my sobriety is exercise - running, cycling and swimming! These things save my sanity on a regular basis.

Quitting drinking hasn’t solved all my problems but it’s enabled me to face them (painful at times!) and start to address them. I still have the occasional bad mental health day but anxiety and depression are sooo much more under control now.

Thanks for starting this @hangingover, it helps to write it all down x

Morning all, thanks bunnies and hanging for your personal insights. I just wanted you to know how amazing I think you are for sharing. It's my birthday today but, I will be back later to answer the questions.

1. How you were introduced to alcohol
   At every party when I was a kid my family drank and then properly when I turned 18 and started going out. It was the answer to my shyness and lack of confidence and it changed my life almost overnight. I honestly thought I'd found the answer to something that was really getting me down.

2. When/why you recognised the relationship with alcohol was problematic
   Early 20s

3. How many times you actively tried to stop
   Three or four times but I've tried to drink in moderation hundreds of times before or, like a lot of people, set rules so I don't get completely and embarrassingly black out drunk. Safe to say these never worked.

4. Any particular steps/plans you have for staying sober or coming to terms with past behaviour.
   Like @BunniesBunniesBunnies said drinking has not helped with my problems and now I'm not drinking I notice what's bothering me a lot more. Things that I've shoved to the back of my mind, particularly the loss of my lovely dad, and ignored with drink now have to be faced and addressed. Lots of talking and counselling I suppose. I've also started doing some of the things suggested in the Miracle Morning so I'm thinking/ reading every day about what makes me unhappy, and crucially things I can do to make me happy and not just numb. Top of the list is being more present in social situations and actually listening to the other people around me rather than just thinking about drink.

Those are very brave posts, @Hangingover, @BunniesBunniesBunnies and @Ifnotnowthenwhen5, its great that its helpful for you and personally I really value hearing other people's stories - I think anything which strengthens our connections is a good thing. Here's mine...

1 How you were introduced to alcohol

My parents are wine drinkers and loved wine and food but TBF were never heavy drinkers, wine was celebratory as it is for most in the UK. I drank occasionally - rarely - in 6th form and the same at uni - the odd bar session but I could take it or leave it and hated being drunk. My relationship with wine started when I was working in London in the 90s (like many others); I shared a house with someone who paid their rent in wine(!) and that's when regular evening drinking started.

2 When/why you recognised the relationship with alcohol was problematic

Probably when I left London - until then I was often working really late and up early so I evenings were short and there was little time to drink. By my mid thirties I was regularly drinking half a bottle of wine a night, more at the weekends.

3 How many times you actively tried to stop

I've stopped a couple of times, each time for a month, and managed that but had never intended to stop permanently. It was the classic break to prove you can stop, to give yourself permission to carry on again straight after.

Like others, I've been trying to moderate for - being honest - years but never thought about quitting completely (a) because I couldn't bear the thought of never drinking again - which seems bizarre now - and (b) because although I didn't like how much I was drinking, it was not "problem drinking" by my own definition (didn't drink in the mornings, didn't drive or work after drinking, didn't black out etc).

4 Any particular steps/plans you have for staying sober or coming to terms with past behaviour

One thing that seems to be critical, from reading the quit lit, is staying connected and accountable - so for me a place like this and Soberistas will be essential I think. I am loving being sober, though, and the added time, awareness and dare I say it happiness that I am getting from not drinking, so counting my blessings, remembering how bad the drinking felt and was and never taking my new life for granted are my main strategies.

Thank you for the lovely idea @Hangingover and for all of you that shared.

1. On family holidays aged 15 ish... my family all drink heavily most nights so drinking was the norm for me; now one reason why I want to remain AF to save my DD from the same trap. I first got drunk at 2 tho at my mum's wedding! I realise how that my mum is a functional alcoholic as is my grandma. I don't want this.

1. At university, when I was getting far too drunk far too often; I started regulating not that well though. Again in 20s - bottle of wine a night often, one night nearly got in a car with 3 random men in a very rough area as I couldn't remember how to get home (it was down the road!) Didnt stop then tho! and finally realised enough is enough in mid thirties. Thank God!

1. Tried moderation on and off over years with limited success especially at social events. Made a fool of my self a fair few times and weathered the fear so many times.

Several lents, one dry Jan, one failed dry Jan and one failed stopover. Oh and pregnancy. But I've put off ttc a second so I could keep drinking. I read that and realise how mental that is. But working on acceptance and kindness to myself as stuff like that makes me feel deep shame.

1. Quit lit, an app counting days, heinenken blue, working on myself and the things that drive me to drink - so the use of alcohol to numb, yoga... also increasingly drawn to running- you guys are inspiring me! Oh and checking in here daily, so thank you all!

Thank you for reading, sp cathartic.

@NeedAUserNameAllTaken I 1000% agree on the acceptance and being kind. The shame and sometimes real self loathing is sometimes what has made me drink so I’m trying to let that go and draw a line under it

These are great shares my love's, thank you I see a lot of parallels - @BunniesBunniesBunnies I definitely get what you say about using alcohol to mask trauma (and it's also kind of excused it in my mind too? Like, I had a good reason to drink so much). That reminds me of what Louisa Young says in You Left Early....even though trauma and addiction are entwined she says one of the experts remarks "It's not your fault you have an addiction, but I'm afraid it is your responsibility". Really resonated with me. @ifnotnowthenwhen5 I agree it gives you the illusion of confidence and gregariousness - but like Annie says it's only tricking you into accessing what's there anyway - it's you that's starting conversations and talking to people, not the booze. I used to excuse my drinking because I was rubbish at small talk - but it really was just a reason to drink more. @ravenswick I think active sobriety is absolutely the key too. That's why I love this thread so much.

One difference I've noticed is that unlike you guys I've never tried to moderate. I've managed to do booze free days but I never ever bothered attempting to "only have a couple" because it's completely impossible for me, and I knew one day I'd have to give up so it's almost like I was trying to dinge drink as much as possible before I got to the point where I had to stop forever.

But I've put off ttc a second so I could keep drinking. I read that and realise how mental that is

Mate don't worry. I opted to have two surgeries that involve taking my eardrum off under WHILE AWAKE instead of general anesthesic - in part because I am scared of general but also because it would give me a valid excuse to be filled with lovely lovely benzos one more time.

Sorry for the loss of your dad @Ifnotnowthenwhen5

And happy birthday @Rupertpenrysmistress!

Just finished reading all your stories, thanks so much for sharing. Sometimes we feel weak but all these stories show strong we really are💪

@Cyllie33 where you at? 70 days/10 weeks to us - boom.

These last few days have been tough.

1. I don’t think a weak snowball at Christmas age 6 counts so it was aged 15, some of DM’s friends gave me a btle of beer. It wasn’t long before my friends & I were drinking cider in the park & then out clubbing.
2. I didn’t think it was a problem (even when a few years ago I was drinking a btl of wine every night) until very recently when on nights I was drinking & a btl of wine wasn’t enough I would need a couple of DH’s cans too. I’d even taken to hiding a couple of DH’s cans on previous nights so that if I had finished my wine and cans I had an emergency stash. Sometimes if I stopped to buy wine & beer I would also buy a btl of fizz ‘to share’ but the reality was that DH would have a glass and a half at most. 3)failed dry July a couple of times, tried to stop once before to prove I could ...... I obviously couldn’t.
3. totally winging it!

DH has just asked if we were having a drink tonight
Day 42 AF and now he’s got me thinking of wine. I will go for a walk instead.