Anyone living with an alcoholic in lockdown?

[sumsitup]

Name change for this thread as I don't want this following me around MN.

My DH is a high functioning alcoholic. He's been to non-residential rehab about 4 years ago and was sober for about a year then relapsed, then found moderate success with AA with periods of about 2-4 months of sobriety before going on a bender - eventually couldn't keep it together so has stayed away (his choice).

His triggers are financial pressures (he's self-employed) and work stress. Being in lockdown he's had work and financial stress and has been drinking every 3 or 4 days. This afternoon while I was out with DC, he got through a small bottle of vodka (13.3 units). He's passed out in bed but I'm dreading him waking up and picking a fight with me because he's drunk. We'll end up shouting at each other and I'll cry a lot.

It's unbearable. I just want to be back in to some sort of routine where he can go to the office and focus on something other than being stuck inside all day in a small flat with 2 kids.

Anyone else??

All of this sounds sound familiar. I’ve been trying to get my H to cut down for years. He maybe doses drink a bit less but it’s still around 70+ units per week. During lockdown he bought loads of high strength lager and stay up after I had gone to bed drinking wine. If I’d ask him, he would say this is him trying to cut down. I need him to stop and not drink anything as it’s like he doesn’t have an off switch once he’s started. I’m making plans to leave him but lockdown has slowed everything down. Totally fed up of his behaviour.

My DH is the same. High functioning alcoholic in my opinion. He runs his own business which obviously is very stressful but he uses this as an excuse.
He drinks a bottle of wine at least 5 nights a week and any alcohol I buy is gone within a day.
Pathetically I've even taken to try and hide booze from him so it doesn't all go at once. Sadly I have found empty bottles of vodka around the place which really makes me cross especially as the DC comment on his drinking.

I love him but he just won't accept he has a problem, I get told I'm nagging or that he just trying to relax after a hard day. I think I have to decide for myself what I am prepared to tolerate as he doesn't want to change

Glad I've just found this thread whilst pottering through this section.

Just today I sent dh a longish text telling him i absolutely love the bones of him but I'm really resenting him now
He is definitely a high functioning alcoholic.

For the first 10 years together he barely drank but has an addictive personality so knew not to.

The last 7 years have got progressively worse. He would go months drinking daily and then decide enough was enough after me nagging and would stop completely.

It would be a good 12 months and then something like xmas or a holiday would start it all off again and the cycle continues.

The same excuses and reasoning and sometimes agreeing with me that he drinks far too much just to get me off his back.

Well I'm close to the edge of reason now. He has an impulsive personality so over the years he'll get obsessed with collecting something and it's all guns blazing and loads of whatever it may be plus the cost then Hel suddenly say enough and get rid of it all

I've told him over the years many times it's so draining. Why can't he be content with what he has.
He always seems to be chasing something better bigger or different.

In the text I acknowledged my nagging and comments must piss him off because they poss me off aswel however I'm now totally resenting him for not showing me I'm more important. I support him in every way inc practical and told him he does nothing for me right now and brings nothing to our marriage at all.
I said I don't feel like I want to be affectionate let alone intimate with him and that makes me sad because we've always had a great relationship and share a lot of laughs but not anymore.

I've said I can't continue like it is as it's bringing me down and making me feel not worth the effort or respect as a person or his wife and mother of his children and I have really disengaged the last few months to protect my own feelings but I wanted him to hear it from me because he's picking up on my vibe.

It's up to him now to continue how he chooses and not change anything or change things but I'm not prepared to carry on like it as I'm entitled to be happy and feel good not second fiddle to his needs.

We are both adults. There will be no arguing as I've gone past that stage and told him that's the worrying part in that I don't feel I want to waste anymore energy being angry or resentful I just want to enjoy good things in life.

He now knows how I feel. I can't and refuse to spell it out anymore.

But if things don't change I will continue to do things without him and I will leave him. Sad after many good years but that doesn't trump the crap times when they are now.

He hasn't had an alcohol free day since mid March this stint and each week the amount is going up. He knows it's a problem but only he can sort it out

Relievedlady I could have written your message. Hugs from a Internet stranger......I read the sober threads to try to understand him, and to give me hope that some people do really start to change themselves.

@SussexPup thanks for the internet hugs. Back at you

It's comforting knowing it's not me over reacting and that it's not just me although also crap for you.

When he got home last night from work the dc were with us all evening so wouldn't have had time to have a conversation about my text even if I wanted to but I'm not interested right now.

There's nothing we can talk about regarding the situation we haven't discussed before and he's agreed etc etc and I'm always openly honest and direct

I tell him directly his needs and alcohol issue is dragging me down and draining me and it makes me feel not adequate. I see the shame in his eyes when I tel him but it's not enough obviously which is why I've disengaged and stepped back recently because it's a merry go round.

I have said I won't continue with the cycle anymore. He used to say he didn't have a problem and if he wanted to give up he would do it when he wanted and wouldn't be a problem but didn't want to until I pointed out that meant he basically put his selfish want for something that's affecting our marriage and family life above us and to give his head a wobble and let me know when he felt like putting me first and il let him know if I'm still
Interested

He's a great dad and we are a close family but it's turned into the elephant in our marriage

His mum and dad are still together even though his mum is so miserable and his dad didn't treat her well. I don't know if that in his mind is what he thinks will happen but it won't

I think he won't want to say it's an issue because for a long time I've said it will get to that stage if he doesn't sort his shit out and I've done apt to help and support him and I don't feel I want to anymore with yet another issue that drains my life and creates more resentment.

It's not a good feeling.

I told my husband last night that he drinks too much and I think he is an alcoholic. It's something I had spoken about with my therapist and realised recently. He is high functioning, drinks 'nice' wine and premium pale ales. Anywhere between 3-5 cans and a bottle of wine on top, at least four times a week. But drinking every single day. Our recycling bin is full every fortnight.

We have two small children, the eldest is autistic. I am on my knees.

I want to support him but I'm scared I don't have it in me, I just feel drained and empty right now.

Just checking how you ladies are doing? I have finally broken the cycle & my now ex has left. We have a 4yr old together & he is threatening court for custody etc. But, I still know ive done the right thing. He hasnt cared for DD since she was 2 & he passed out drunk when she was in his care, 3 detoxes, 1 residential rehab, still drinking!

Hi MarrymeTomHardy how are you doing?

I’m having trouble letting go completely. I just don’t want to go round the merry go round any more. I feel so much better on my own though it’s quite full on with DS who has additional needs.

I ended my relationship when my DC were young. Now quite a few years down the line and sadly their dad doesn't see them but it was still the best thing I ever did. No more tension, no being bullied by a drunk arse, no money worries, no having to beg him to get out of bed at the weekend with the promise of a pub lunch (the only way he'd get up before tea time). Hugh functioning and always had a job but our life was miserable.
Hope those of you struggling with this stay strong and don't get dragged down with them

I have read this thread and wept for you all. I have been there. I loved my DP deeply but the drinking, and his behaviour was intolerable and broke me. I used to feel every day I was crawling through every day. I eventually left but I have deep scars. I wish I had left years earlier. However, the inner peace from living alone will never leave me, and I am truly content with that peace.

Thanks everyone, been a full-on couple of weeks but things seem to have calmed down a bit now, I have taken legal advice so more confident with where I stand re. access/safeguarding etc.
@Startingover2020 you describe it so well! A merry-go-round & not a fun one!
How is everyone else doing?

I am back in the same loop as before. He drinks every night. The weekends are awful. He het verbally abusive and remembers none of it. I remember every word. He says that was a horrid drunk guy not him. But then he continues to abuse alcohol drinking and not eating as he likes how it affects him. Getting up and drinking before noon. We do nothing as a family and even going out for a walk, he only really enjoys things if he has a drink doing it.

I have had my baby now and he is 13 weeks old. We add a new fight or trigger of verbal abuse when I won't let him hold or care for the baby when he is drunk and that suddenly makes me a bad guy. Against my better judgement I let him bully me into keeping hold of the baby while I went to the toilet and put my 10 year old to bed. I rushed it worried he might drop the baby or something. When I came down he was back in the front room with the door closed and the dog was outside looking to be let into the room. I opened the door and he didn't have the baby. He said that I had him!!! I rushed into the kitchen and a quick sweep of the usual places we out him down were empty. I ran back through thinking mayne I just hadn't seen him and he had been joking but he wasn't there and again he said he hadn't had the baby, that I had. I was now panicking that the dog had done something to him as he was left alone with him and has been quite jealous. I ran back through and found him on a seat in the kitchen. My partner then argued with me that I had been in charge and said the dog was with him the whole time.

We have had sex twice in the last 3 months and when I questioned him about it last night he says that me breastfeeding has desexualised me to him so while I breastfeed we won't be having sex. 🙄.

Today I am separating. Hard when in lockdown but he gets the spare room and I won't spend time with him and won't be feeding the baby in front of him. He needs to do his bit with the baby but not if he is drinking.

In my heart I am hoping this will shock him into some maturity and he will make changes, stop drinking and start to appreciate me sexually and emotionally again, but I think I am dreaming.

Sorry to hear others are in the same boat. I hadn't seen the other comments since May. In a way it is nice to know I am not alone. I love him and that is the problem but am fed up being 2nd fiddle to alcohol and putting our baby in danger. The abuse last night was because I wouldn't let him have the baby when he had almost fallen over holding him. This sucks a lot. We were meant to be getting married in June but that will not be happening!

Sheera so sorry to hear what you have been going through. I am sure you are aware but there are some clear child safeguarding issues here. Your priority is yours and children's safety. You can't control what he does but you can control what you do. Keep safe.

@sheera1 that sounds really difficult for you, especially with a new baby. Do you have to stay in the same house? I don't think lockdown rules apply to abusive situations (my blood ran cold when I read about the baby bring left). It's hard enough to look after a small baby on your own without having to police someone else around them. Have you confided in a friend or family in real life?

My OH drinks a 70cl bottle of Jack Daniels a night, pretty much every single night ... I hate it ! It’s got worse and worse and more and more over the last 5 years ... he starts drinking every evening around 7pm and finishes around 1am when he eventually comes to bed... we live in a bungalow and he is hard of hearing wears hearing aids l, so even though I go to bed around 10.00 (or whenever I can’t take a second more ) I can’t sleep until he finally comes to bed because the tv blares through the whole house.. he says I am horrible and just a grumpy cow when I mention it and still believes it’s me the following morning because I’m no fun and don’t want to join in his version of fun... I used to be able to suffer it but it’s becoming too much now, he constantly criticises me, picks an argument, and talks absolute crap, thinking he knows everything about everything .. I have such low tolerance for it now that I just tell him he is talking crap and then he just goes on about how great I think I am .. on and on for ages ... too many broken promises about things we will do etc I now don’t believe a word he says .. it’s downright boring to be honest .. thank the lord I don’t have children with him ! He doesn’t want to give up drink either, he likes it and that’s that although he admits he has a problem , which unsurprisingly wouldn’t exist if I wasn’t there 🤣 it’s a matter of time no doubt until
I say enough is enough, I literally have no idea why I stay, pathetically I feel sorry for him as I know he wouldn’t cope without me being there ... and am a
Very loyal person , to my own detriment ... no one should believe an alcoholic when they blame everything else on their drinking because it’s their own fault and they need to take responsibility for it , everyone can make choices, reach out for help, but they choose not to ... I no longer have sympathy for him l,
He is sober 9 hours out of 24 he could make a call for help at any time during that period but doesn’t ... I have tried to help so many times but now no there is no point ... he will
Change if and when he wants to and not a minute before ..
Let’s just hope he decides before it’s too late..

My husband is an alcoholic. The first lockdown was ok as neither of us were working and due to living in an isolated rural position and him losing his license (drink driving) so he was unable to access any shops and therefore alcohol.

We have since moved and dh is working. He started drinking again, and it is getting increasingly worse. I thought he had hd a stroke not long after we moved as he was stumbling, forgetful and slurring, but no, he was drunk, despite swearing blind to me that he hadn't been drinking. I found hidden cans and he came clean eventually. He has moved on to Stella and vodka, and is drinking on average 15 units in the week after work, and probably double that at weekends. He has admitted today that he has started to take vodka and coke to work with him to drink throughout the day, and says alcohol is all he thinks about.

He gets argumentative and belligerent, and frequently has me in tears with his accusations and recriminations when I have done nothing to warrant this behaviour.

Today he has drunk 4 cans of Stella and 3/4 litre of vodka. So far. He is in a good mood at the moment, but won't stop talking, which is tiring and I worry that if I don't give the 'right' response he will start arguing. He is currently sat in the dog bed with one of the dogs telling her how lovely she is.

I live miles away from family as my adult children, parents and siblings are scattered across the UK and have few friends, and definitely no one close enough emotionally to discuss all this with.

I feel lost, lonely and trapped :(

Hello @Onalake that sounds hard for you 💐

I also live with a high functioning alcoholic. He drinks about two bottles of wine a night, sometimes more or less I think but never a night off. I'm not sure how much that is in units.

I have a 13 year old and a 9 year old. The 13 year old hates him, the 9 year old still thinks he's funny and doesn't notice.

He spoke to uni friends recently and told them all how his 13 year old DD hates him and they all rallied round saying it's not your fault. It is. He thinks he's funny at dinner but he isn't as it's just stupid drink talk. He thinks it doesn't have an effect because he isn't a violent drunk. He isn't and he I agree he isn't particularly argumentative but that's because we avoid him.

Our home life is weird and I feel like it's some dark secret that no one else knows.

@Sheera1 just wondering how you are doing? Your situation sounds awful, I hope you are managing with your baby and 10 year old.

@cameocat so much of your post resonates - the thinking he is funny, not thinking there is a problem because he isn't violent for example.

He has had around 22 units today so far and is talking crap non stop again, mainly to himself. :(

I'm convinced dh had been drinking this morning
He denies it
Not sure how I can actually prove it
He's done it before and lied before so it's not like I'm just being paranoid

@nc12345677 I used to feel terrible when I accused DH of drinking and he denied it. Then he admitted that on all the times I accused him, he had in fact been drinking. Trust your gut, even when your heart is screaming at you to believe him.

My DH isn't drinking at the moment or ao he says. I would like to believe him, and can see no evidence, but after all the lies there is always that wariness. Sending

@Onalake I went to Halfords to buy a breathalyser but they had none in
He said he'd take it but that it would be positive but it would be from what he drank last night so I can't prove anything
He seemed visibly drunk to me at 9.30am yet at 7am he'd seemed fine

@nc12345677 I guess the appearing drunk at one time and not another can be put down to all sorts of things, blood sugar levels, metabolism, when he had his last drink etc.

I don't think you can prove when he had a drink I'm afraid , just be kind to yourself and remember there is always someone here to listen to you x

Sorry to everyone going through this. It's awful. @nc12345677, as others have said, please trust your gut instinct. You don't need to breathalyse him, you already know he's been drinking. The lying and gaslighting can drive you crazy (literally). Please don't let him suck you into that madness. Have you ever tried Alanon or maybe find a counsellor who understands addiction and can help you here? I left my alcoholic ex last year and my only regret is not having left sooner. Good luck!

Here again, we had 5 weeks not drinking, and it was so good, then suddenly boom and back again. I’ve absolutely refused to buy anything for him, which gets me labelled’a stupid cow’. (We are rural so the only way he can get booze is to drive) I know he has not drunk so much that I need to worry about withdrawal. I’ve put off calling Alanon, but I think I have to as the moment I saw he had started again I just lost it and am so angry and upset. I can’t cope with this by myself. Sorry to dump, just need to tell someone, and internet strangers are the ones. Thank you for listening