Still stopped in 2020; a thread for anyone abstaining from alcohol.

[Drybird2020]

Dry January is over and the next phase has begun! Wherever you are on your sobriety journey, you're welcome here for encouragement, advice and support.

We love hearing from people who have been dry for a long time, so if you've swung by to have a look, please post to inspire us!

Equally, if you've woken up hungover, regretful and ashamed, determined that it's the last time, we've all been there and we're here for you now.

Lurky-lurkers, we know you're there! I observed the alcohol support threads for years before I felt ready to take the plunge, I hope these threads help others; if and when you feel ready to post, you'll get a warm welcome.

Might I respectfully ask that if your aim is moderation, you join the long running moderation thread in this topic. I find moderation chat difficult; it weakens my resolve, and many others feel the same.

I'm Drybird, 31 days sober. In that time I have saved 183 units, £192, and 12600 calories! I intend to be sober for the rest of my life, and I use this thread to keep me accountable.

It would be great to know how everyone is getting on, so if you'd like to check in below, please do! No need to share stats unless you want to, just give us a wave.

Here's tae us!

Thanks Drybird, that sounds really nice, will try that next time.
BunniesbBunniesBunnies - hope you're okay, I kept/ keep having flash backs and remembering things I don't want to, don't really want to face up to them either, but I guess I have to to move forward....Sorry I'm not very good with the advice like Drybird. Well done for staying sober today.

Wise words from @Drybird2020.

@BunniesBunniesBunnies, if you are finding it difficult to raise this just yet, perhaps you could spend a little time acknowledging and forgiving yourself for past behaviours, before moving forward.

@littlemeitslyn that's wonderful! Might you be able to share your story?

Hope you're okay this morning @BunniesBunniesBunnies?

Could anyone recommend a non alcoholic drink for a special occasion please? Perhaps one you've tried? I know there's beer wine and noessco out there, but I think itd make me want the real stuff to much.
It's my wedding anniversary next week and we usually have a meal out/ bottle of bubbly etc etc. I have said to dh that he can drink -he drinks guiness which I hate lol so wouldn't mind him drinking it but he said he won't as he wants to drink together, so will have whatever soft drink I have.

@BunniesBunniesBunnies

I think everything @Drybird2020 says is right - you have to go through it - that's taking responsibility - but then not persecute and blame yourself - that's forgiving yourself.

You're right too - certainly from my point of view - about us all having things we're not proud of else we wouldn't be here. Good on you for saying it.

Thanks for that excellent post, @StillDumDeDumming, so kind of you. And for your suggestions, @Drybird2020. 💜💜
I’m four months AF today, minus two days buggering about. Six months seems doable now. In fact, indefinitely seems doable now, for the first time in my life, I’d say.

Hey all. Wow @SparklingLime, 4 months! Well done!!!

I feel a bit better today thank you. My husband and I generally communicate really well, so we had a good chat and that has helped. I still feel quite low as my behaviour has affected others but I’m trying to learn from it and move on.

I shall read properly soon but wanted to say to @jess3817 that my favourite af drinks are the three spirits ones (though they are expensive!). I love social elixir which gives you a little relaxed feeling (nothing like alcohol). I like savoury drinks so have it with tonic but most have it with ginger ale.

Hard day today- felt like breaking point. We had planned to do a doorstep drop off of wine to a friend for his birthday. The friend said he was on his way to the supermarket so would come to us. Took me an hour to explain this to dp. He got upset with me during this and moaned at me because I haven’t done the garden. I don’t know how to explain this but everyone is amazed at his progress and says it’s amazing he’s talking etc but they only have 5 minute conversations with him. It’s not the same as being with someone all the time- and being responsible for absolutely everything. People’s insensitivity to that amazes me. I’ve lost my best friend but because he’s standing upright and saying words people think he’s the same. He’s really not.

Hey @StillDumDeDumming, That sounds incredibly difficult, and people’s ignorance and insensitivity must be so painful. Do you feel you could be truthful to a good friend or family member? If you were my real life good friend, and I said something really insensitive like “Oh, he’s the same as before now!”, then I would not hold it against you at all. In fact I would be grateful you explained it to me so I could be a better friend in future. Do you think it would help to be more direct to the people around you?

This is not the same at all as your situation, but a few years ago one of my DC spent several months in intensive care, and people’s insensitivity was astounding! Comments ranged from “it must be great to get a full night’s sleep while the nurses look after him!” to - once DC finally came home “Oh, you must be so relieved he’s fine now!” (even though there was still a really long road ahead for us). Anyway, I started speaking my mind in return to the answers (not being mean but just gently educating people) and I do not regret it. In fact, I hope it made my friends more sensitive to other people in my situation, and that I made them a bit more sensitive in future

@StillDumDeDumming - ooh great! Thank you, haven't heard of those. Will take a look x

That sounds really gruelling, @StillDumDeDumming. People can be so awful about illness, especially when it’s not black and white: ill/recovered. 💜💜

People so desperately want to believe the ill person is getting better, it becomes about their own needs rather than those of the person themselves, or the ones doing the care. @StillDumDeDumming it sounds exhausting having to manage that as well as such huge changes in your partner.

Thank you so much for your lovely posts. It makes a difference to me to know that people do understand it. I realise I sound a bit shitty. And I do know that people want to believe that he is better. He is a very big character with a lot of friends and maybe I feel a little bit overlooked in the rush for him to be okay again. This thread is really helping me. I do honestly believe that if it hadn’t have been for this I would have easily helped ease myself into a bottle of wine! Thank you

Truly, you don’t sound shitty at all. You sound very resilient, kind and thoughtful. 🌸

You really don’t sound shitty in any way, you sound very caring and lovely. Hang in there!

Still.

Wishing everyone a wonderful day.

I am being triggered by work very badly. It is outrageously stressful right now. So i bought full fat coke which I never have to ward it off!

I must say my eyes are brighter already.

Thanks for the thread. x

Hello again you lovely lot. I'm so glad I've found you again (from the January/February thread). I'll have a read and see what I've missed.

@GreenTeaMug a sugary fizzy drink always helps me too.
Hope all is well with everyone this morning. I'm trying to help 2 kids with maths 😬😆

Welcome back, @myhandsareverycold 🤗

Hi everyone,
@StillDumDeDumming that sounds very tough. I was off the thread when your DP was ill and it sounds as if you have had such a hard time. The pressure from other people for everything to be ok is really hard to deal with when it doesn't feel like that to oyu.
welcome back @myhandsareverycold
I'm having a real low today. I just feel that I'm a bad person and I have nothing good to give to anyone. Not drinking seems to exacerbate this, tho I know it gives me the opportunity to work through it. I'm worried all the time that I'm alienating my kids and that they won't want anything to do with me as adults. I love them so much and I always seem to get it wrong. I know teenagers in lockdown isn't easy but I find it impossible to judge how much distance to keep and how much to be there for them.
I hope others are having a better day.

This thread is amazing. I've read most of it and can feel the support resonating.

The reason I am back - I did dry January then extended it into February and then I began drinking again at weekends. They crept into week nights and I was back drinking most nights,sometimes managing a whole bottle. Wine affects me to the point I can be very drunk with a bottle. If I drink gin I am ok. I'm also on ADs and have been for years which have kept my mental health on a very even keel.

My partner says I change when I've even had one glass of wine (odd, vindictive, selfish, abusive etc). He has issued me with an ultimatum that unless I stop drinking completely I will need to leave (I have another house I can go to). I instantly stopped when we had this conversation last week and intend to remain so. The difference this time is I've been told to do it, when I did dry January and February it was MY choice, I was in control. Being completely blunt, I feel a bit peed off that I'm being told what to do. I know I can do it (I'm on call for the foreseeable future, evenings and weekends which means I can't drink in case I need to go to a call).
My partner has said he won't tolerate me having even a single glass of alcohol around him ever again and if I did want to drink it would need to be away from him and not to come back that evening. I'm already fantasying that in the summer I might have one night in my property so I can have a couple of glasses. When I stopped before it was on my terms and I thought I could regulate. I did most of the time but partner says even one glass and I'm "horrible". I don't think that's true but he has nothing to gain by making this up and says he's telling me because he loves me. We do have a good relationship otherwise and he drinks most nights (a few bottles of beer, gin and tonic but he never appears drunk. I'm very slight build, he's a bigger chap. How do I kick the peed off feeling? I can do the no drinking but I feel so bitter that it's on someone else's terms and not mine!

@Ontheshingle, you are being too hard on yourself. If you love your DCs and want the best for them, then you are not a bad person. So easy for me to say, but you should work on your self esteem, as you do sound very low in your post. . Everyone on here has your back.

@myhandsareverycold, you need to do this for you. And most people on here are trying to live a sober life. Moderation is much harder than not drinking at all. If you have any favourite quitlit books, websites or podcasts, it might be a good time to revisit them. This thread can give you loads of virtual support too.

thanks Elsa. I needed that. it is very tempting to have a drink this evening. I need to keep playing the tape forward. ...

@Ontheshingle, of all the things you can do to support your teen kids, relinquishing alcohol is right at the top of the list. I lost a lot of respect for my mum for being a drunk, and it didn't stop me from becoming a pisshead either.

Other than that aspect of my personal experience I can't comment on parenting teenagers, mine are still little and I fear the future 😕 but the fact that you are so mindful and caring in your approach will count. Even if they don't appreciate it until later on.

@myhandsareverycold it's good to see you again 😊

You don't sound convinced that quitting is what you really want - as you say, you're being pushed into it and that means the impetus is external. I am also a bit at your partner insisting that you quit while he drinks daily, that doesn't seem supportive or fair. If he really wants you to stop perhaps he should consider going alcohol free in support, even if it's not permanent. Is this a conversation you could see yourself having with him?