Hi Caramelslice, how are you getting on?
I would like to join you, if I may. So much of what others on this thread have written resonates with me. I have two young children (currently on maternity leave) and I have got to the point where I need to admit to myself that my drinking is now in control of me, not the other way around, and I have to do something about it.
I've had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol - binge drinking - ever since I started to drink as a teenager (except when pregnant), but I'm particularly worried that while I've been on maternity leave this time, it has crept up to drinking up to a bottle, sometimes more, probably six days out of seven. Even worse, this is mostly in secret so my DH has no idea. I tell myself that I won't drink on a given day, but then like a lot of the mums on here, it gets to 4 or 5 pm and I just can't help it. I then find ways to drink in secret - have a couple of glasses before my DH gets home from work, another while he baths the children, and then maybe pour myself "one", but secretly top it up so he doesn't notice... I have to hide bottles from him, only put out in the recycling what I think I can get away with and bin the rest: if nothing else, it's so stressful because I worry constantly about him noticing. A night out for him, at a work do, with friends etc, is welcomed by me because it's another opportunity to drink - I'll buy two bottles, drink one and a glass from the second, then hide the empty one so it looks like I've only had one glass. I've recently started adding a few G&Ts, too.
The catalyst for me realising this has to stop came last week. I went to visit family, who are heavy drinkers, and one night drank so much that I vomited in front of my children, into a towel, when getting them ready for bed. My three year old saw. I am so heartbroken and utterly ashamed of what I did, and what I have been doing to my relationship with them through alcohol. Put simply, there are probably times when I am not fit or safe to be looking after them. How could I ever forgive myself if they hurt themselves or if I was incapable of keeping them safe in an emergency, through drink? It has to stop.
These aren't the only reasons I want to stop. It makes me irritable and snappy with them. This needs to change. It makes me bloated and lethargic. I want to have more energy and lose the constant alcohol "fog". I don't want any more mornings where I struggle to remember conversations, what I watched on TV or what stories I read to the children at bedtime. I have so much I want to do with my life, and time is slipping away from me as I wander through life dazed by alcohol.
I'm not entirely sure of the reason I drink. Habit, definitely. I now realise I grew up with a lot of people around me modelling unhealthy behaviour around alcohol, in all kinds of different ways, so to abuse it probably seemed the norm. I do think I also suffer with mild depression, and that this got significantly worse, for a period, after the birth of my youngest. So I probably use alcohol to self medicate as well. These are not excuses, though, I am an adult in control of my life and I need to do just that: take control. I don't want to model this behaviour for my children. I don't want them to have memories of visiting different shops each day for mummy to buy wine (I'm worried about the cashier noticing if I go to the same shop day after day, so rotate which ones I visit). I don't want them to remember me drunk and vomiting, or just not being properly "there" for them, or grumpy with them, through drink. I don't want to die young and leave them without a mother before I should.
So I started in earnest yesterday. I'm admitting all of this here, which I've never done before, not even properly to myself, always telling myself that I didn't have a problem, I could stop if I want to... I was wrong. I should probably tell someone in real life, but I don't think I can do that. My DH would, understandably, be horrified and probably leave me. I would be worried about losing my children if I go to my GP. If I carry on the way I am going, I will lose them anyway so this is why I need to take control and stop.
So, what I am going to do... This will probably sound like completely the wrong approach to some, and you may think I'm deluding myself, but I don't think I am going to try and give up completely and forever. I have set myself some rules that I am going to try to stick to:
- Absolutely no more secret drinking, ever.
- Make not drinking my daily norm, so I don't drink on far more days than I do.
- Not drink to excess (visible drunkenness, memory loss etc) on days when I do drink, eg out for meals, at weddings, Christmas etc.
I feel that these are more manageable and realistic goals for me. Obviously, if I can't stick to them then I will have to give up completely.
I know I'm going to have to find a lot of willpower to achieve this. More than I've ever had before, but I do feel determined. Some strategies I'm going to use:
- I've downloaded the Drinkaware app. I'm usually quite motivated by this sort of thing (MFP, activity targets on my Fitbit etc) so this should help. I filled in my first no-drink day yesterday and it felt good.
- I'm going to keep busy. Make plans to take the children out late afternoon when I'd usually be reaching for the bottle, have things ready to do in an evening. And there's SO MUCH I want to do that I pretend I don't have time to do right now - when I would if the evenings weren't spent in an alcohol fog - reading, sewing, knitting, taking better care of myself - painting nails, a soak in the bath etc. I'm going to plan something for myself for every evening.
- Read some sobriety blogs, maybe listen to some podcasts. I've already started reading the Mummy Was A Secret Drinker blog. Perhaps I'll start my own - the idea of writing/blogging has always appealed.
- Meal plan and shop weekly, so I don't have the excuse of needing to go and buy food for dinner to go to the shop and buy wine, too.
- Exercise. I've been wanting to try to fit some exercise in for ages but guess what, can never find the motivation or the time. I'm going to try and squeeze some in every day - it needn't be much, it's a step in the right direction and will hopefully help my mood too. I started yesterday with my first run in months, and kind of hated doing it but LOVED how good I felt afterwards.
- Get some recipes for non-alcoholic drinks that feel a bit special that I can make whenever I get the wine craving. I've seen a great thread on here that I'm going to read.
- Try to change my life for the better in other areas, as much as I can. So, as well as the exercise, get and keep on top of a housework routine, make healthier food choices (always way easier when I'm not drinking anyway), read some parenting books to try to make myself a better parent generally. This might all sound like too mug at once, but I'm a very all or nothing person so I think the more improved my life is in other areas, the more that will motivate me to stay off the wine as well.
Wow, that was long. But it feels cathartic to have it all out there. I feel like I've finally had the revelation that now is the time to get my shit properly together, starting right now, and hopefully with some of you lovely people to support and keep a check on me!