Giving up v.severely disabled baby for adoption?

[mirage999]

Contraversial question I know - but is it possible or easy (practically, not emotionally) to give up a severly disabled baby (one that requires full time special care) at birth for adoption or have it placed in care?

I am trying to decide whether to go for the prenatal tests for Downs etc and have decided that if the results show there is a problem with the baby, I would rather let nature take its course and allow the baby to live (but be looked after by someone else) rather than go ahead and have its life terminated, thinking that this would be the lesser of 2 evils.
Has anyone done this and is it possible to have a such a baby adopted/placed into care?
I have 2 healthy children already and the reason for not wanting to keep a baby who was severely disabled as it I dont believe it would be fair on them. Plus my DH would not be supportive and I have no family who could help.
thanks in advance

What Riv said, as usual.

I don't have a child with SN (yet, we're looking into possibly adopting at some point) though I have a cousin with DS and another with CP. My cousin with CP wasn't supposed to live the day she was born. I was only 2 but I remember rushing to the hospital to look at her through the glass, so that we could see her before she died. Then she wasn't supposed to make it to her first birthday. Then she wouldn't ever go to school. Then she was supposed to die before her 10th birthday. Then before she graduated...I've lost count now, but I did just buy her a card for her 26th birthday awhile back. She lives at home and works at a preschool for little ones with SN.

My aunt always said, "It's one of those things you think you couldn't possibly do, and then you look back and realize you have."

Thanks all, appreciate all your kind words

To be honest I'm probably not at my lowest - that was when we found out. Today was a bad day though and in hindsight posting was probably a bad idea, although as ledkr said, i am quite (too?) honest about how i feel.

Normally, if there is such a thing now, i'm quite positive generally. Like someone else said (sorry, i'm tired and want to go to bed!) i know i have a good life generally, i love my wife and my baby no matter what, i have a good job, nice house and all that crap. I don't want for anything else, except a "normal" baby and normal family life. Nothing's going to change that, but nothing's going to change the way things are.

Riven - you're an inspiration. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but by the sounds of things you have it even harder than i do. Yes, my dreams are shattered at the moment, but i have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to look forward to. For me i find it hardest when DW (hope i got that right) is having a hard time, she can be very negative about the whole situation, and i know where she's coming from, but it can be depressing. Normally i don't let it get me down, and i am the positive one, but it's hard sometimes.

We absolutely both know we need counselling of some kind, and we'll get it. I'm sure we'll come out the other side better off, it'll just take time i guess.

This thread is fascinating and horrifying by turns. I grew up with a severely disabled sibling, CP caused by the birth.

This was back in the 1970s when there was no legislation for disability, many benefits, little tolerance etc. It was bloody hard for my parents but my brother was fantastic and had a great life and while I am sure my parents grieved for the child they didn't have, he brought so much into our lives that they truly dealt with that.

Noone is perfect. We seem obsessed with having perfect children though. Because someone is disabled it doesn't meant they have less to offer to society or to your family. They are different, possibly harder work in some ways but honestly......just makes me feel some people need to get over themselves and work out what it is about disability that terrifies them so much.

Sorry - I didn't especially mean naughtyboy or you - sorry if it came across like that. I feel for them going through this now. It was more a generalised comment in response to some of the other responses. It was more for people who umm and ah about testing for Downs etc (of which I have been one I know) or for some of the more trite responses on here. The people who have never dealt with disability who seem scared of it, not the ones who are having to deal with it.

Don't mean to offend anyone who is genuinely dealing with the issues.

My fault for coming in at the end of a longish thread I guess.

I know you're not terrified of your DD's disability, have read your comments on various threads. I think it is a wider societal thing. Things just seem to have moved on so little from my experiences growing up - especially in light of what you say about buses and wheelchairs.

On a lighter note - I remember us having to leave the cinema because my brother was deemed a fire risk - his wheelchair was blocking the aisle apparently. IN view of what you say about the bus - not much has changed.

I didn't realise the thread was so old, got sort of sucked into reading it all as was so interested. Such an emotive area I guess.

Hi,

I haven't read all posts but wanted to throw in my experience.

My LO is now 5 yrs old. I was told pre birth that jhe wouldn't make it to birth and was pressurised to terminate by some very knowledgeable docs.

As pregnancy progressed I was told that even if he was born then he wouldn't live a month. When he lived a month (and the first 3 months were spent in NICU) I was told maybe would be best to let him die cos he'd have no quality of life.They said his brain would be, and I quote 'mush'!

I had the same conversation with my hubby as people have posted here. He was erring on the maybe it's best to terminate and I asked him the question of if this child was born well and healthy and in a few years time has an accident and is brain damaged, you going to just forget about him/her and get on with your life?? Of course his answer was no.......enough said. And Luuk is now the reason he gets up every day.

Well guess what....... all of those learned men and women got it wrong. Yes he has some problems and some level of disability, but he is a happy, content young man who has just started mainstream school and is cognitively advanced for his age!!! So the docs don't know it all!!

I hope the OP got the answers she was looking for and hope that the pregnancy and birth went/go well and baby is healthy. And if the baby does have to live with a disability then I hope he/she is placed with a family who will fill his/her life with love and laughter.

Sharon x

I think if that is your mindset then you should definitely have the tests. I think your 'lesser of two evils' thing is more about you and how you would deal with it rather than doing what you think is right for the baby. You are thinking about which one you could live with easier but I actually think giving the baby up would be much harder to deal with long term? But then I have never been in that position so I dont know but if I was going to continue with the pregnancy then I would do so knowing that I had chosen to bring the child into the world and so it has the right to have me love it and treasure it no matter what.

Stephen Hawking.

When they offered me the tests, all I could think of was Stephen Hawking.

re the op, or anyone in a similar situation, think Blu has the best, sanest advice and it is on the very first page. Calm down, don't have any tests and enjoy your pregnancy.

I Really do hate myself for even posting this as i am just simply being antagonistic, But i don't care. You should feel lucky to be having a baby! i cant believe your going to discard your child!

I am sorry but so many people are desperate for children and you are just going to give yours away because it doesn't "fit" your expectation!

Ps disabled babes are not exactly sort after by adopters. Your child will most likely end up cared for by the state!

Take responsibility and accept the gift that has been given to you!

She isn't going to discard her child! She is a neurotic pregnant woman. Probably the mother of a baby by now, who has forgotten that in a moment of hormonal madness in the middle of the night she posted in a panic about an entirely theoretical problem. Gah.

Oh is that right! Well that is not what i read from her post at all! she seemed very cold and unattached from the child. I have as much right to assume what i want from her post as you do! so Gah yourself!

This thread is nearly 2 years old.I doubt she is pregnant anymore

This thread is nearly 2 years old.I doubt she is pregnant anymore

lots of old threads being revived.think is a bet to see how many answers obtained

I think all women should have the right to ask the questions they want, express the fears they have, and the hopes they have, and even if many people on the forum don't like Mirage's personal exploration she had a right to make it.

One of my favourite books is "Women Who Run With the Wolves" and I think it would be of interest to anyone considering the sort of question posed here.

Sorry for being so late to this but, I only just read Julia Hollander's article. Having read some of what people have expressed, I feel compelled to add to the thread, even this late in the day because at the same time, within the same Health Authority, my husband and myself were having a baby girl. In Oxford at that time, the NHS only paid for certain tests. One which they would not fund was the Nuchal Pad test to reveal Down's Syndrome. She was to be my third child. There was a 10 year gap between my previous pregnancy. I was over 30 years old. I just couldn't afford 300 for the test. I spent months trying not to be anxious until the final 8 month scan revealed our baby to be 100% healthy. I spent months mentally preparing for a Down's baby, which I believe I would've accepted with love - and my husband would know not to ask me to choose, because he'd lose.
What struck me about the tone of Julia's attitude is what struck all the other dissenters, with whom I agree, plus, the overwhelming stench of entightlement. I actually welled up with tears when I read that her evil selfish monster of a husband actually said: She or Me! Then, went on to procreate again! So, not even, Ellie or Imogen. At least I could find some rational reasoning with that, even if I disagree with the sentiment. Then I thought - imagine the representation of this article if this Julia Hollander was a Lone Parent, living on the Blackbird Leys estate: Single Mum Dumps Damaged Baby on State To Have Another!!! (Yes, I think the Daily Mail would use three exclaimation marks) From that moment on, the paper would be sarcastic, condemnatory, castigating the (once more) undeserving poor. Some posters have said: JH's writing of the book (I wonder, with such illustrious friends, was there a struggle to get published) negates putative ethical issues on public discussion AND the proceeds going directly back into the system JH has made use of. I agree with them, too.
Further, I wonder what effect their "visits" have? Obviously, this is done to salve the family conscience but, what does it teach Ellie - and now, Beatrice? That as the over-entitled progeny of a certain strata of our forelock tugging society, you won't ever have to do something which requires you to roll up your sleeves and get stuck in, if you just revert to type. I just don't think that the nurse phoning a regionally accented parent, would be so acquiescent with the reply: 'I'm not collecting my baby.' I think the nurse would be outraged and steer that parent into collecting the child. There's no way the nurse and Consultant would allow the parents to initiate that institution's care, seemingly holding the balance of power. Still, as long as Julia and Jay can sleep at night....

Sorry for being so late to this but, I only just read Julia Hollander's article. Having read some of what people have expressed, I feel compelled to add to the thread, even this late in the day because at the same time, within the same Health Authority, my husband and myself were having a baby girl. In Oxford at that time, the NHS only paid for certain tests. One which they would not fund was the Nuchal Pad test to reveal Down's Syndrome. She was to be my third child. There was a 10 year gap between my previous pregnancy. I was over 30 years old. I just couldn't afford 300 for the test. I spent months trying not to be anxious until the final 8 month scan revealed our baby to be 100% healthy. I spent months mentally preparing for a Down's baby, which I believe I would've accepted with love - and my husband would know not to ask me to choose, because he'd lose.
What struck me about the tone of Julia's attitude is what struck all the other dissenters, with whom I agree, plus, the overwhelming stench of entightlement. I actually welled up with tears when I read that her evil selfish monster of a husband actually said: She or Me! Then, went on to procreate again! So, not even, Ellie or Imogen. At least I could find some rational reasoning with that, even if I disagree with the sentiment. Then I thought - imagine the representation of this article if this Julia Hollander was a Lone Parent, living on the Blackbird Leys estate: Single Mum Dumps Damaged Baby on State To Have Another!!! (Yes, I think the Daily Mail would use three exclaimation marks) From that moment on, the paper would be sarcastic, condemnatory, castigating the (once more) undeserving poor. Some posters have said: JH's writing of the book (I wonder, with such illustrious friends, was there a struggle to get published) negates putative ethical issues on public discussion AND the proceeds going directly back into the system JH has made use of. I agree with them, too.
Further, I wonder what effect their "visits" have? Obviously, this is done to salve the family conscience but, what does it teach Ellie - and now, Beatrice? That as the over-entitled progeny of a certain strata of our forelock tugging society, you won't ever have to do something which requires you to roll up your sleeves and get stuck in, if you just revert to type. I just don't think that the nurse phoning a regionally accented parent, would be so acquiescent with the reply: 'I'm not collecting my baby.' I think the nurse would be outraged and steer that parent into collecting the child. There's no way the nurse and Consultant would allow the parents to initiate that institution's care, seemingly holding the balance of power. Still, as long as Julia and Jay can sleep at night....

* Zombie thread klaxon*