Giving up v.severely disabled baby for adoption?

[mirage999]

Contraversial question I know - but is it possible or easy (practically, not emotionally) to give up a severly disabled baby (one that requires full time special care) at birth for adoption or have it placed in care?

I am trying to decide whether to go for the prenatal tests for Downs etc and have decided that if the results show there is a problem with the baby, I would rather let nature take its course and allow the baby to live (but be looked after by someone else) rather than go ahead and have its life terminated, thinking that this would be the lesser of 2 evils.
Has anyone done this and is it possible to have a such a baby adopted/placed into care?
I have 2 healthy children already and the reason for not wanting to keep a baby who was severely disabled as it I dont believe it would be fair on them. Plus my DH would not be supportive and I have no family who could help.
thanks in advance

speeding?

rofl @ speeding (particularly with my hands covering my face lol)

if only...

so is the OP not pg? what a bizarre conversation this is if not... i thought she was pg and worried because of an increased risk of whatever... no? totally theoretical, pie in the sky stuff?

what an odd world mn is...

Something that doesn't seem to have been addressed on this thread is that some conditions which show up in testing basically mean that the baby will not survive birth, or will not live for more than a few hours (and those hours will be filled with pain). Do those of you who oppose testing think that it would be wrong to terminate even under those circumstances?

solidgold, there was a really interesting thread about that in the sn topic in about october... can't find it though - it ran to about 16 pages lol...

oh, someone link it - i'm rubbish - it was called 'now i know i'll never vote for this man' or something similar 16 Aug and only ten pages lol...

david cameron's decisions wrt abortion bill...

Solidgold-My dd was not diagnosed by scan but some are 9 out of 10 hydran babies are terminated, the condition is described as being incompatible with life, she is now 2 and a half and wonderful, the Drs actively encourage termination based on decades old studies, they do not know everything. I would carry on any pregnancy to give my baby the chance to live

I'm so glad that desperatelyseekingsanity has posted that! My SIl and I watched that Richard and Judy show in tears - it was so close to where she had been at. It has really upset me that so many parents with SN children have found the comments of the OP and others insensitive (and I realise why, of course) but then not been able to make the mental leap to see that their own comments re how much they love their babies and how well their families have coped would seem "insensitive" to people who haven't had such positive experiences. There aren't perhaps many people who have been in the shoes of my SIL or Julia Hollander (I remember JH also saying in that interview that her baby was like "an animal" - a deeply shocking thing to say, but again, I can absolutely see where she's coming from), but for those that do go through that, they need help and understanding, not judgement. And knowing that the problem that my niece and BIL have is congenital, I did "theorise" about what might happen (believe me, it doesn't feel particularly theoretical when you're doing it) - the 20 week scans were helpful, but I knew that not everything would show up and it just meant I was worried throughout the pregnancy. I hope I would have been able to cope if either of my dds had had the heart problem and all the problems that went with it, but of course I don't know. I was worried about the effect on my older daughter too, because I know how my dp feels re his brother (adores him, but feels that his childhood and his siblings' childhoods were blighted by the fact that his parents had such a tough time. His mother was and is fantastic with her son and granddaughter, but it doesn't change the fact that life with a child with severe disabilities and behavioural problems is hard for all that are involved. I think especially for the other kids, who never got to make any decisions.)

FWIW, it's a bit daft talking about "SN children" because it covers so much. I wonder how much this debate is so heated because we're talking cross-purposes.

Gee thanks for all the understanding comments

I'm sorry if you think my comments sounded patronising, they weren't meant to be.

But how typical that rather than try to understand where the poster may be coming from people jump on the way people word things and the language they use and assume they are being offensive for the sake of it instead of making a mistake like the OP did in posting in SN. I wouldn't have known not to post something like this there because I don't use the topic and the title would imply all SN related matters.

"I could not deal with being a carer 24/7 indefinitely, either economically, practically or psychologically, so if a member of my family needed such care I would be looking out for longstay residential care for that person."

I completely agree with this statement. At this moment in my life I couldn't. As I said before at a different time in my life I might feel differently. But at the current time yes we do feel that if we ended up with a child or a relative that needed this level of care it would be the best thing for us (me and DP) to make other arrangements for the child.

BTW I may not be a mother but I do know how hard it is to bring up a baby having cared for my sister who was born when I was 15. I'm not naive enough to think that my feelings might change if I had a child with severe disability or to think that I won't love my baby when it's born if it does have a disability because of that. However, as previously said, I have a relative who needs long term care as does DP so we are also fully aware of the care and commitment needed.

I think the accusation that putting a baby up for adoption is like dumping a baby is pretty insulting, not only to those that have given up children for adoption or considered it but also to the children themselves.

I think that the OP deserves more support than what she is getting on this thread currently. Nobody here knows her full situation, only the little she has said. If she thinks that adoption may be the best option for her then I don't think she should be shot down in flames for that. She is looking for advice not insults. Ok, so her fears may be unfounded at the moment but what if the baby does have a disability when it's born and she needs advice - where is she supposed to go? What if she changes her mind but her husband doesn't? Why should she come here for advice after the slating she's received?

she can come back to sn auntiemaggie...

Well I don't think that parent's of severely disabled kids are the best placed to give advice on placing your disabled child for adoption. Just as parents of children with DS are not the best people to ask about termination for trisomy 21. Probably posted originally under adoption it would get a helpful response.

Thanks for that DSS- interestingly just had (an unrelated) conversation with a SW about foster care and she said that shortage of foster carers is a massive nationwide problem (she was talking child protection rather than disability). Do foster carer's tend to 'specialise'? (eg disability vs short term for troubled families etc). Difficult job for not much pay.

I'm sure in her book JH talked about her dh wanting to kill their dd, he did come across (my interpretation of her writing) as being very anti even trying. The thing that really strikes me about the things she writes though - everything I've read written by her regarding Immie- is that she seems far less happy than the parents I know who have children just like Immie (or Tania (name?iirc) Immie's foster carer come to that) Parents of kids with PMLD 's at ds1's school are happy, not tortured or angsty or anything else negative really. When I read JH I get the feeling she's still trying to convince herself of her decision; I sort of get left feeling like I want to shake her and tell her she's missed the entire point of parenthood and that if she'd followed her instincts she would probably have been a lot happier.

By ilovelovemydog on Mon 12-Jan-09 13:04:49
Think it may be that a lot of people don't know many disabled people, so it's all a bit of a mystery.

Seems to me too that there is a British reserve about discussing disabilities. DD (aged 2) asked a lady in a wheelchair why she wasn't walking. A man nearby said DD was terribly rude. Fortunately the disabled lady was quite happy to discuss why she couldn't walk.

how l;ovely, I wish little people would speak to me or dd like that.

I think it is the man nearby that is rude, like saint2shoes has said, I think its lovely.

I gather one of the factors in the severe shortage of foster carers is the requirement for foster children to have their own bedroom. Property prices/shortage of council housing has been a big issue over the past decade. That's why children from London end up in Margate, where property is cheap. Clearly there are good reasons for kids having their own rooms but with property prices as they were, it's been a real headache (I am told by lots of people in SS).

Sadly sometimes people do leave disabled babies in hospital and walk away - one of my friends is a neonatal nurse and it's not that uncommon for them to have babies in Special Care who don't need medical intervention but have just been left.

2shoes
oh god yes!
DD is now 6 and i love the open uninhibeted way her peers have of figuring DS2 out. They just ask "why can't he talk" "why is he doing that".
It is just so much easier ...
And even better once they know they don't give a toss. Que DS2 age 12 playing fairy games with DD and 12 of her friends at her birthday party

oooeeer - I went all mediteranean. I meant cue not que?