Giving up v.severely disabled baby for adoption?

[mirage999]

Contraversial question I know - but is it possible or easy (practically, not emotionally) to give up a severly disabled baby (one that requires full time special care) at birth for adoption or have it placed in care?

I am trying to decide whether to go for the prenatal tests for Downs etc and have decided that if the results show there is a problem with the baby, I would rather let nature take its course and allow the baby to live (but be looked after by someone else) rather than go ahead and have its life terminated, thinking that this would be the lesser of 2 evils.
Has anyone done this and is it possible to have a such a baby adopted/placed into care?
I have 2 healthy children already and the reason for not wanting to keep a baby who was severely disabled as it I dont believe it would be fair on them. Plus my DH would not be supportive and I have no family who could help.
thanks in advance

totally agree Riven

I hate all this "special children for special parents" shite

good greif, so someone would dump a disabled baby!!!

I just want to say that many of the previous posts offer some good points and advice.

Mirage999 you have been honest with your
thoughts and feelings and maybe vulnerable
to some of the negative commnets.

I would suggest that you relax and enjoy
your pregnancy as whether or not your baby
is ok or has a condition any stress can
impact on you both.

You could ask your partner what would he
do or feel if your children either became
disabled or ill.

If your baby does have a condition I would
connect with post-natal counselling support
service which either GP or hospital would
provide referrals.

Also there is a dual issue of some people
assuming that all mothers will feel love
for their new born with or without a
disability etc.. We all know thats not true
some parents do have a bond immediately and
other parents need more time to build a
bond for many reasons.

I think that the families who are
supporting their family unconditionally
show how perseverence and not being overly
prejudice about disability can work
successfully.

However we have been saddened by some
events where a parent with a child of
special needs has become so desperate and
taken her life and her child/teens.

No parent should be made to feel guilty
for making their decision as there are many
factors specific to the individual
sitation.

Terminiation v Adoption is not the only
option available now, parents can access
respite care or long-state care (voluntary
section). Respite is helps in 2 ways one it
gives parents/families a short breaks
through the year and second the care staff
work with school and parents on life-skills
and and life-experience.

Long-stay is an option when a child needs
24 hour care, 7 days a week that which
either includes complex health care and or
behavioural difficulties both cases can be
overwhelming for some parents to
continue. Rather than adoption long-stay is
kind of like the state adopting your
child but families can still be involved,
with outings, visits, and respite stays
with the family.

But for now just stay positive and do not
worry about tomorrow or the next,live for
today!

Cheers JZ7

Just for the record, my SIL has an extraordinarily supportive family (not talking about me, her mother has been an absolute rock - partly because her own experience with a severely disabled child has meant she knows the system a bit better so she can do the fighting for rights, arguing with drs etc with the force of experience). From her posts, Kristina's experience seems to be far more analogous to our family's than perhaps other people's - perhaps it depends on the severity and type of disability. I really really really think that there needs to be a lot less judging here. It's upsetting me a lot so I'm going.

If its all about the op and family not being able to cope, what if they have a child with ADHD, would they give them up for adoption then. Where do you draw the line?

The op hasn't even had any test's yet, so what is the point in bringing up a very sensitive subject, talk about forward planning. Somethings in life can't be planned for, you can't be in control of everything.

Look. other people do not have to make the same decisions as you. Those of you raising children with SN have made your choices - but it doesn't mean that anyone else in similar circumstances has to do the same, and if someone else doesn't, then I fail to see how it affects the decisions you made.
I could not deal with being a carer 24/7 indefinitely, either economically, practically or psychologically, so if a member of my family needed such care I would be looking out for longstay residential care for that person.

"Those of you raising children with SN have made your choices"

what an odd thing to say, the only choice I ever made was to get pregnant, I did not choose for my dd to be starved of oxegen at birth.

as far as I am aware no one chooses for their child to have sn.

Completely agree 2Shoes - an odd thing to say indeed

What I mean is: you chose not to put your child in residential care/up for adoption, that's all.

sorry that is just so stupid, I can not believe anyone would post it.
so if a baby isn't perfect you just dump it....bizare

The bottom line is that in the UK the state will indeed look after your child and you can give it up for adoption, just as a parent can choose not to be in touch with or ever see a child after divorce. We don't force relationships on people.

2shoes, saying that some people choose not to care for a disabled child themselves and therefore seek residential/foster/adoptive care for that child is a fact. Some people do it. Others don't.

i find your use of the word " dumped" for adoption rather upsetting. i am adopted and i was not "dumped". i do know of one child who was literally dumped ie placed in a municiple garbage dump, but that's unusual

usually people say " made an adoption plan" or " placed their child for adoption". its a bit like called children with additional support needs "retarded"

solidgold - if you think you could easily give up your chil for adoption right now then I believe you. If you think you couldn't then I'm afraid you have no idea what you would do. We haven't given birth to a disability, you give birth to a child we love every bit as much as you presumably your love your child. In exactly the same way.

Something many miss when thinking about rather than experiencing disability.

If someone was giving up a disabled child for adoption because they thought it would be better for them, then they would need to be realistic. It takes twice as long for a disabled child to be adopted as a (supposedly) non-disabled child (I say supposedly because I know a number of children adopted around the age of 2 who have gone onto have developmental disabilities not known about at the time of placement- or kept quiet by SS). Only one in eight adopters (13%) would willingly take on a child with a ?mental disability?, only one in five (21%) would say yes to a child with a physical impairment and under half (47%) would consider a child with a long term medical condition.

Yes your child might be lucky (as Julia Hollander was with her daughter) but it's not really guaranteed. And something presumably you'd have little control over.

Jute: with all due respect, you have no idea what I would or would not do because you are not me. People make different decisions.

only skim read the last few posts but i notice a couple of people are saying if my dh wasn't supportive of continuing with the pregnancy of a disabled child it would be bye bye dh. i would imagine the prospect of bringing up 3 young children, 1 severely disabled on your own quite daunting.

I havent skim read but did post earlier and just hope OP is getting info to make an informed decision

I'm not saying I know what decision you would make. I said that if you would give up your child tomorrow for adoption then I believe you.

If you wouldn't then you're doing that thing that so many people do in assuming you would feel (not think, feel) differently about a child with a disability.

As pagwatch said earlier I take comments that suggest that a mother would feel completely different about a disabled child with the same pinch of salt as those mothers who are going to work full time whilst their newborn sleeps peacefully in the corner.

nappyaddict- yes of course it would be daunting but staying with a man who wanted to kill one of his own children (JH's dh - according to dh) would make me feel sick. Wouldn't matter whether the child was disabled or not. I think I would also find a man that unable to cope with disability quite pathetic and respect is probably necessary for a relationship so it would be doomed anyway.

sorry according to JH.

KristinaM sorry no offence was meant. I just get very angry at the attitude, that is a baby is not "perfect" it should be (thinks of a nicer way to put it) given away. I think this kind of attitude is what corrupts the lives of people like my sevely disabled dd.

Most people keep their children and love them but it's wrong to say that a disabled child in many cases is not more of a burden. They are much harder work and you may have that obligation to care for them not just for 18 years but until you're over 80. So it's certainly not correct to say they are not in that sense a burden. All children are of course an effort and we all get a lot back from caring from them but many disabled children are more of an effort and more work, just as twins are more than one. I certainly didn't have twins and think right only wanted one so I'm handing one back but I suppose some people who have quins and already had 4 children migth think like that etc.

"Most people keep their children and love them but it's wrong to say that a disabled child in many cases is not more of a burden. They are much harder work and you may have that obligation to care for them not just for 18 years but until you're over 80."

I would personally agree with that. My elderly grandmother looked after my aunty with SN until quite recently - even after having a quadruple bypass and several heart attacks. Most children will grow up to be independant but that is not the case for a significant number of children with SN. I have seen what life is like for an elderly couple with a child with SN and it's certainly not easy - no matter how much you love your child.

Xenia, I must have missed that post, who said that where about SN children not being more of a burden?