Giving up v.severely disabled baby for adoption?

[mirage999]

Contraversial question I know - but is it possible or easy (practically, not emotionally) to give up a severly disabled baby (one that requires full time special care) at birth for adoption or have it placed in care?

I am trying to decide whether to go for the prenatal tests for Downs etc and have decided that if the results show there is a problem with the baby, I would rather let nature take its course and allow the baby to live (but be looked after by someone else) rather than go ahead and have its life terminated, thinking that this would be the lesser of 2 evils.
Has anyone done this and is it possible to have a such a baby adopted/placed into care?
I have 2 healthy children already and the reason for not wanting to keep a baby who was severely disabled as it I dont believe it would be fair on them. Plus my DH would not be supportive and I have no family who could help.
thanks in advance

Kristina
I am not saying the childs issues become easier.
i am just saying that dealing with them becomes part of everyday normality.
Some of my sons peers make greater demands simply by virtue of beoming bigger. But many others ( like Ds2) throw us fewer curve balls and we deal easily now with things that were terribly difficult 8 years ago.

Nothing is ever true for all people of course

we have found that just as we got on top of an issue it changes, so it never becomes " normal" for us

also that many things become much more difficult as a child is bigger.

when dc was small he coudl go in a major buggy - when he was bigger he needed a wheel chair. harder to lift, less manoverable

when he was small he went in a car seat, then he needed a special vehicle

when he was small one person could lift him. when he was bigger he needed a hoist and two people

when he was smaller he coudl go in a normal bath. when he was bigger he needed a shower trolley

when he was bigger he needed an air mattress and turning every two hours, because of his weight

there are plenty places to change a two year old, few to change a 12yo

drug regimes became more complex over time

feeding became more problematic over the years and required further surgery

venous access becomes more difficult over time & sites tissue up more frequetly

the medical provision for children with SN is better than that for " adults"

the educational provision is better fro children that " adults"

As you say, everyone's experience of being a disabled family isnt the same. and i realise that ours is very diffeent from most of yours, which is why i don't post on the SN boards.

KristinaM, I owe you an apology. Sorry for my incorrect assumption before.

We are all different in how we deal with things.

All the best,

thanks you mm22boys, I appreciate you posting that.

riven, i knwo thinsg change for NT children we have NT kids as well. i was just saying that things for us have becoem more complex with time and not easier or more normal. but i accept that its not the same for others

we have chosen not to place any of our children for adoption but i can understand why others do

i have not chosen to terminate a pg but i can understand why others in the same or different circumstances might feel they had to

even though i am the " result" of a failed abortion, i can still understand why my birth mother did some of teh things she did

i understand that many disabled families find their children a joy and a blessing. i can also understand why others find that their marriages split up, their employers fire them and their health breaks down.I can understand why some parents kill themselves or even their children

we all have different experiences

I do think everyone has the right to consider their options and make their own choices. Because someone would make a different choice from the one you made, doesn't mean they are attacking or criticising your choices.
And if you have a family member whose physical or mental health problems mean that s/he is best cared for in an institution, that doesn't necessarily mean that you don't love the person, or that you have abandoned them.
I am thinking, at least in part, of supported living etc for SN adolescents and young adults - if you have an older child with SN (who has a normal life expectancy) there will come a stage when you have to think about what will happen when you become too elderly to care for your child - or what would happen if you died.

Kristina - clearly your mother failed in her attempt to abort you and I would expect you to rather have lived with knowing that she tried than be dead.

I feel differently about things to you.

i understand that NAB. I didn't find out about the abortion attempts until i was an adult, so i think that makes it easier to deal with. Many women went through what she did prior to 1968

I don't think - oh she wanted to kill me because i was inconvenient or she hated me or hated disability

i think - she had an unwanted unplanned pregnancy, no family support, no way of raising a child, nowhere to live and no money. there was no legal abortion. she had few choices.

i think its interesting that it used to be that terminating your pg was completely unaccpetable and adoption was ok, whereas nowadays it seem to be the other way around.

sorry, i do not wish to hijack the thread. its not about my life, its about the Op. i was just sharing my experiences & feelings to show that they were different from yours

"if you have an older child with SN (who has a normal life expectancy) there will come a stage when you have to think about what will happen when you become too elderly to care for your child - or what would happen if you died."

My son will require 24 hours care for the rest of his life (normal life expectancy). I fully expect him to move out by his 20's - when he can get far more from a well run establishment than he can at home.

That's very very different from deciding before a baby is born that you're not going to do disability, or doing a JH and leaving your child in a hospital with no provision in place.

Planning for the possibility of ds1 leaving home at 19 will start when he's 14 and we will be fully involved in the decision making.

I only made it to page 7 of this thread but I am shocked at the harshness of some of the responses to the OP.

Yes she posted in the wrong place and has apologised for that. Perhaps it was a simple mistake and she didn't understand the nature of the other thread.

I am hoping to start a family in the next year, but I cannot say that if I have a child that is severely disabled and will need full time care especially if they will need full time care for the rest of their lives, that I wouldn't give the child up for adoption. If something happened to the child that meant it became this way later on, then I guess I would have to look at my circumstances then. I have many reasons for this, including not feeling that I'm strong enough and worrying that if something happened to me and DP my family would be unlikely to take on a child that needed such care.

I think the OP has serious concerns and is being honest and sensible in trying to educate herself in her options.

I really admire all of you that have sn children and care for them, but not all of us are as good as you are. And I think it's better to be honest and look for help rather than end up in a situation where the childs life could be made miserable due to resentment or other issues.

As for care homes - some of them are awful. But some of them aren't. I work with someone who's daughter has sn and has been in residential care for a long time. She is about 5 years older than me and loves where she lives and gets to do all sorts of things that she may not have got to do had she lived with her parents and still has a great realtionship with her parents.

You see, what worries me is this attitude that the parents who are aware that they can't cope and won;t be able to cope are vilified (as wicked, uncaring, selfish, inhuman) to the extent that they feel they have to keep their disabled baby rather than making other arrangements. Because these are the parents who can crack up and smother the child, when it would have been better all round for that child to be cared for elsewhere by other people.

I don't think anyone on the thread has any problem with care homes. I'm fully aware that at some stage my son will end up in residential care. He will go there when it is best for him to do so.

I think that comparing residential care to rejecting a child because of a disability, is a bit offensive really. They're nothing like the same. That's the problem I had with JH -she seems to equate what she did as being the same as someone sorting out resi care for their child when it has reached the stage of being needed. Completely different.

Not remotely what people are saying solid.

I just object to those without disabled children assuming you feel differently about a child because it's disabled. It's a view I challenge wherever I see it. And when I read about people who have taken the decision to give a baby up for adoption because (only because) of a disability, they never seem particularly convinced by their decision. I strongly suspect that given time to get over their initial shock a happier ending might have been reached by keeping the child.

AuntieMaggie's post just reads as something written by someone who has no understanding of what it means to love as a mother- she might change her mind once she has children of her own.

The fathers however, in these stories do often seem perfectly happy with having had the kid adopted.

I didn't compare residential care to rejecting a child because of a disability. Someone earlier made a negative reark about care homes.

KristinaM talks a lot of sense. Individual circumstances has alot to do with why people would consider giving up a severely disabled baby for adoption.

I didn't say I wouldn't love my child if it were disabled - but would I be able to cope? Completely different story.

Fast forward 5 years and I might feel differently because a lot of things might be different for me. But if I gave birth to a severely disabled child today? Then it's more than likely that I would give it up and my DP agrees with me.

We both have experience of disability in our family and think it would be the best thing for us.

AuntieMaggie - my son fell disabled at 14/15 months of age (autism gripped him) prior to this i loved him as a NT child (or so i thought) and subsequent to this i love him as a child with SN - the love i have for him hasn't changed one iota. The care needs have tho.

totally agree with Jutes comments on this page

TBH

I think in most instances any conjecture about how you would react to the birth of a disabled child is total guff.

I can assure you that I am someone who not only would have been convinced that I could not cope but would have the avid agreement of most people who knew me that I would not cope. As it turns out I can.

I think you have to try and remember how completely witless most of us are about how we will react to the birth of our first child. Everyone says that having a child is one of those things that you never really understand until you do it.
The same as those huge things - like losing a parent. It is never how you anticipate.
Well for me that is equally true of having a child with severe SN.

I tend to regard 'planning' you reaction to things like that the same way I view people who tell me that they are going to leran a new language during their first weeks at home with a baby....

agree pagwatch

Kristina - I am sorry you don't feel comfortable posting on the SN board, and hope you have people either on the internet or RL you feel comfortable about talking difficult issues with. a point re:growing out of a major buggy - I have a friend with a ten year old daughter with severe ASD who has got an adult sized 3 wheeler buggy for her via I think her OT department - apologies if you think I should mind my own business.

Yes agree pagwatch.

It's all very easy to sit and say 'oh I couldn't cope with a child with a severe disability' - but what you could cope with just handing over your newborn baby? Even very very severely disabled children can look & act just like other newborn babies. The love you feel for a newborn isn't based on their dazzling conversation and clutch of A grades - it's not that easy just to hand that baby over. Which is probably why the accounts from the mother's who have done that always sound so sad or not quite in touch with reality.

I'd much rather be in my shoes than theirs thanks.

I don't understand the comment of Maggie's that it would be the "best thing for us" to give up a disabled child.

Parenthood is all about love and sacrifice, it sounds to me like you want a child who is going to fit in with your preconceived ideas of family life, and you're going to make sure there's no undue inconvenience.

Well, nothing will change your life as much as having your first child, even if they have no disabilties.