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Adoption

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Original poster

Help for my daughter who was adopted

72 replies

momto3 · 09/12/2008 03:15

I agreed to an open adoption 16 years ago. She is now 16 years old. Like many 16 year old she as many issues, as do many 16 year old children. I am now married and have two children with my husband. My daughter has missed over 160 days of school in the past 2 school years. She has been in court most of her life dealing with the divorce and disruption of her adoptive parents. They have used her and their biological childrens as weapons agianst each other. My daughter was removed from her home and has been temporarily placed in my care. My intentions for my daughter have never changed and I will do anything I can to help her make the right choices. She has been abused by a boyfriend of legal age, with her adoptive parents knowledge. Her adpotive mother has been addicted to prescription drugs. She is really struggling and needs counseling; however the court has not yet approved I obtain this for her. I am just waiting for the outcome of our next court date. How do you help someone that doesn't realize they need help? How do you explain to someone you gave them up for chance at a better life and they were failed? How do you make a child wake up and realize that their life is going on and they need to get in it?

OP posts:

electra · 09/12/2008 04:13

Hi momto3, I'm afraid I don't have any advice but wanted to post because it's interesting to read your perspective on this. My family are putting me under a lot of pressure to have my third child adopted, because the circumstances of the pregnancy are unusual and I already have two children. My mother says the child will definitely go to a financially secure family and have a great upbringing because she knows of one child that that happened to but I'm sure it's far more complicated...

RebeccaX · 09/12/2008 07:20

I think it's interesting that you place all the blame on her "adoptive" parents and take none yourself.

PottyCockinaPearTree · 09/12/2008 08:31

agree with rebeccax

ABudafulSightWereHappyTonight · 09/12/2008 08:34

Em. She gave the child up for adoption presumably for a better life than the one that she could offer at the time.

jabberwocky · 09/12/2008 08:37

Is she old enough to choose to stay with you?

lottiejenkins · 09/12/2008 08:37

Im sure the OP wouldnt have handed her daughter over to the adoptive parents if she knew what was going to happen!

Tortington · 09/12/2008 08:38

i think a child is the prodct of its upbringing, although i am not quite sure what an open adoption is i am presuming that she knew who you were and knoew you were around - there must have been feelings of abandonmnt and i think that rebecca and the other poster - could have phrased this a littled less sharply becuase the way it is phrased is acusational and makes one leap to defense.

i am sure that counselling would be a good idea, at 16 i would be thinking about school, college, work, training, employment. telling your child you love them, spending equal amount of time with all your family , holding together your family unit, and not NOT sacrificing your UNIT out of guilt

there must be firm rules in place like every other teenager - if you do feel guilty, then do not let this run your emotions and make your decisions, this girl cant do what she wants - and a mum of a 16 year old isn't fun, isn't a friend. its all dont do this dont do that, g to college, go to work, use condoms, study hard...etc

jollyoldstnickschick · 09/12/2008 08:39

I dont know why you had an open adoption but it seems to me you are quick to blame everyone else and seem almost clinical in the way you discuss this perhaps your daughter wouldnt have had so many issues had you become more supportive earlier.

if you have always known whats happening why the hell didnt you step in long long ago??

electra your situation seems really tough,i hope things become clearer for you and you are able to sort things out whatever decision you take x

Tortington · 09/12/2008 08:43

jolly, thats helpfull

i am sure its really that easy to just step in when your biological child is being brought up by other people - badly - and you consented to it.

fkinell lets hang her shall we

claw3 · 09/12/2008 08:48

mumto3 - Must be heartbreaking for you that the 'better life' you had planned didnt work out. All you can do is be there for her and pick up the pieces the best you can.

jingleMAMADIVAsbells · 09/12/2008 08:53

momto3 sorry you are getting a bashing here, not quite sure why

I don't really have much advice for you but it sounds like an awful situation, pressume you gave away your daughter for a better life and yes she has been failed by them after all they are her 'legal parents' so they shouldv'e been looking out for her

Although may I just ask, I thought an open adoption was so that you could see your child and she knew throughout her childhood, maybe I'm wrong about that?

But if you saw her didn't you realise what was wrong, if the mother is addicted to drugs etc and your DD had been dragged through courts didn't you see that happening was there nothing you could do?

beanieb · 09/12/2008 08:53

How much contact are you able toi have with her? How much contact does she want with you?

Are you sure she has been in court 'most of her life' because of the divorce? Did they divorce very soon after the adoption?

Have you ever talked to her about how she feels about the divorce, the prescription drugs, the abuse?

If her boyfriend abused her then did anyone get the police involved and would it be worth doing so?

jollyoldstnickschick · 09/12/2008 09:07

Maybe I came across harshly but the way its worded from the op seems v criticizinga nd clinical whilst im aware she herself couldnt just step in there are other ways of getting support for her daughter,I just think that to leave it until now and then want to get her dughter help os a little late.

Tortington · 09/12/2008 09:16

again, helpful.

beanieb · 09/12/2008 09:18

I think Jolly is right.

If her daughter has been dragged through courts for the whole of her life and has been abused by a boyfriend then surely the OP could have or should have done something before now?

I am a bit confused about what an open adoption means though so perhaps she did not have this right?

Will wait to see if teh OP responds to the questions asked before giving advice though.

Malkuth · 09/12/2008 09:22

God there are some self-righteous prigs on this thread.

Momto3 I am so sorry that you and your daughter are in this position. Is it possible for you to get some counselling for yourself in order to get help explaining to her about what happened? You obviously care deeply for your child and agreeing to an open adoption cannot have been easy. Possibly the NSPCC or Barnados would be able to point you in the right direction for accessing help for you all.

claw3 · 09/12/2008 09:24

Open adoption can mean direct contact, indirect contact via third party or potential contact where information is given to agency for use in the future.

Ronaldinhio · 09/12/2008 09:24

God what a difficult situation mum23.
I don't know anything about an open adoption in terms of how close you actually are...but certainly close enough to see what is going on
Perhaps actually telling her what you have told us would start to help a great deal.
Stepping in now won't be easy IMHO but that doesn't mean it won't be worth it.
Make sure everyone in your home understands, accepts and is behind your next move as I think the support and understanding of change is really necessary.
Best of luck

Malkuth · 09/12/2008 09:27

Open adoption is still adoption, by the way, and legally Momto3's parental rights were terminated by the adoption process.

ChristmasFairySantAsSLut · 09/12/2008 09:27

Hmm, I don't really know anything about this, but, your daughter is now back in your care, right?
If so, than, all you can do is probably talk to her, explain things to her, admit to your own short comings in this, and try to build a relationship with her. Without the rapport you won't be able to really to get through to her, wouldn't you.
Anotehr thing, when you say her bf abused her....do you mean she had a relationship with a a boy of legal age whilst she was younger and was consenting to the relationship or do you mean he physically/sexually abused her , as in violated her? I may sound dim, but not sure what you mean...i.e. is it a matter of different opinion on when your daughter should have been allowed a sexual relationship or did the adoptive parents close their eyes when they were aware your daughter was being hurt. Not sure I am making sense...

For those critizing....isn't hindsight a beautyful thing ....
I am sure if OP had known she wouldn't have put her daughter into this situation....

duchesse · 09/12/2008 09:38

I don't think the OP was asking for anybody to comment on a doubtlessly extremely hard decision she had to make 16 years ago. I suggest that anyone who you has nothing helpful to contribute should butt right out.

OP- This sounds a far from ideal situation all round. It sounds as though your daughter has been right through the mill all her life, poor kid. However acrimonious her adoptive parents are divorcing, they are still her parents. I think you need to remind your daughter that she is lucky to have 3 parents (I'm assuming you have been involved in her life throughout). Most people have far from ideal lives- and as you say, many teenagers have a difficult time of it. HAve you explained to her very candidly the reasons you had to give her up? That might help her rationalise a little the rest of what has happened since.

You said her parents treated their biological children and her just as badly as each other. This can be a cause of solidarity between them. I think it would be ideal if the siblings could be given the space to meet up in a setting away from their parents, so that they can continue to draw strength from each other.

Keep pushing for the counselling, and try to be as candid as you can with her about everything. She is old enough to discuss things as an adult. Of course she will blame you as well for everything that is happening to her- that is the nature of teenagers. Just hang in there and be a strong, loyal presence in her life. You are her 3rd parent after all.

oops · 09/12/2008 09:47

Message withdrawn

lottiejenkins · 09/12/2008 09:59

Very well said Oops!

curlywurlycremeegg · 09/12/2008 10:01

I haven't read all the posts as the first few were just downright horrible.

momto3 you did what you thought was right and your daughter has been let down by the system not you. Having a child adopted as not a decision taken lightly, I know this as a midwife who has worken with a few women over the past 10 years. I was also adopted as a baby 35 years ago, at that time open adoptions were unheard of and I have had no contact with my birth mother. I do know, however, that she gave me my best oppertunity in life and I will always be so thankful to her for that.

I have no real advice for you, I just wanted to post and say please try not to feel guilty for your choices. I hope all works out well for both you and your daughter.

SuperSillyus · 09/12/2008 10:22

It can be difficult dealing with a teenager at the best of times. The key now is communication communication communication.
It may be that friendship is the best thing you can offer, you will have to strike a balance, she may not be prepared to accept you in the mother role, but I'm sure she will benefit hugely from your love and support now.

Just keep steady yourself. Get counselling if you feel you need to keep on top of your own upset about what has happened to your dd. It must be hard for you to pick up the pieces now because it is so emotive for you.

If she can get counselling I'm sure that will help but having somewhere to go and someone who is on her side is a good thing.

I feel a bit sorry for her adoptive family siblings and agree that if you can facilitate lots of contact there it might be a good thing.

It may seem as if everything has been negative for your dd but maybe you can talk with her about the good things in her life? she may feel guilty in telling you if she does actually love her adoptive parents?

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