Help for my daughter who was adopted

[momto3]

I agreed to an open adoption 16 years ago. She is now 16 years old. Like many 16 year old she as many issues, as do many 16 year old children. I am now married and have two children with my husband. My daughter has missed over 160 days of school in the past 2 school years. She has been in court most of her life dealing with the divorce and disruption of her adoptive parents. They have used her and their biological childrens as weapons agianst each other. My daughter was removed from her home and has been temporarily placed in my care. My intentions for my daughter have never changed and I will do anything I can to help her make the right choices. She has been abused by a boyfriend of legal age, with her adoptive parents knowledge. Her adpotive mother has been addicted to prescription drugs. She is really struggling and needs counseling; however the court has not yet approved I obtain this for her. I am just waiting for the outcome of our next court date. How do you help someone that doesn't realize they need help? How do you explain to someone you gave them up for chance at a better life and they were failed? How do you make a child wake up and realize that their life is going on and they need to get in it?

I can't believe some of the answers here. I was given up for adoption as a baby and wouldn't dream of blaming my birth mother for anything that went wrong in my life, contact or otherwise.

If you've never been involved in adoption on any side then you can't comment properly on the emotions felt by all.

OP it sounds like you birth daughter is a normal teenager with a few extra problems. Counselling can help, as can relationships with people she can trust like teachers and close friends. Good luck to all.

erm, I hope that 'nasty people' comment wasn't directed at me? As I said, I don't know because I don't know the whole story or get the original post.

To comment in any way I would need clarification.

Message withdrawn

I agree with curly, I like this Mums Net site (I am quite new to it) but there are SO many threads that I read where women are attacking each other when the poster is simply asking for support/information not to be attacked for their decision or situation.

Personally I feel if someone does post on here they are really in need of help and advice, there could be many reasons for this including not being able talk honestly with their family and friends, not wanting them to know how much they are struggling or sadly in some situations just dont have anyone to talk to.

We are all women, mothers, daughters and should stick together and support each other. That means sometimes keeping opinions to ourselves, but hey, if it makes the person who needs support feel better then it is worth it.

Remember it is time for good will to all !!

But ... the OP DOES need to come back and explain what the 'open adoption' means. At the moment we have no understanding of teh level of involvement she is allowed to have with her daughter, yet she mentioned it so I am assuming it is relevant?

But ... the OP DOES need to come back and explain what the 'open adoption' means. At the moment we have no understanding of teh level of involvement she is allowed to have with her daughter, yet she mentioned it so I am assuming it is relevant?

I have an uncle that was adopted by another family, as his father died and my grandmother was left with no income and five children. My uncle was the eldest, and she truly thought she was doing the right thing. The family can understand this, but my uncle could never forgive her, despite having a more privileged upbringing than his siblings. There may be more to it, but I think it is a difficult to judge someone for their actions at the time, especially when they have made it clear they thought this was the best course of action.

I am not sure you can 'wake up' a sixteen year old. She has to come to that conclusion herself, and i dont have enough knowledge about parenting to know the best way of supporting her to help her come to that conclusion. I would suggest supporting her by getting the right help would be one step, to allow her to overcome the difficulties she has been through.

Well OP I hope you are not too upset and can come back and read without bursting into tears at the harsh quips and Holier than Thou Judgments some posters have callously lashed down here without any empathy, knowledge or concern for the real people who are living through and in this situation right now.

Blimey - some responses have been terrifying.
This isn't an Am I being unreasonable thread people....

I just wanted to say to the OP that it sounds like you have been and are still involved in your first daughter's life - even your name here Momto3 is a big clue in that.

most of the posters here have said that we don't understand what an open adoption is (didn't stop some of them having Opinions, but then lack of knowledge rarely stops people from shooting from the hip ), and from what I can glean from your post you have been holding your DD in your heart for her life; and eeping an eye on her as much as you are allowed, with reports.

I have very little experience of adoption - a lot of my friends are adopted, one friend also gave up his daughter for adoption at 16, and I can only go on what they tell me. And on the basis of what my lovely friends tell me, adoption isn't cut and dried - far from it - it's always a tangle of emotions and yearnings, and sometimes a great deal of 'what ifs?'.

I hope that you can find a resolution, that accommodates all your children, with the best result for all. Some counseling might enable you to find that resolution: just an idea.

Good luck and hugs.

mt3 - how very distressing for you. You must have felt so helpless as it seems that any intervention by you has to be approved by the court.

I have no experience of this, but generally, what gives people strength and self-esteem is the knowledge that someone loves them unconditionally. Whatever they do, whatever is happening, whether or not they approve of certain behaviours, they love them. It sounds as if your girl may have missed out on this because her parents used her in thier own battles. I don't know what to advise, really, but i can't see that anything bad can come of being there for her, suporting her, talking to her...listening to her.

WOOPS - sorry. silly mumsnet.

momto3, please come back - there are people who would like to help you, and your dd, if they can.

Wow! I do appreciate all responses even though some chose to assumme I am pushing blame. Stating facts and pushing blame are 2 different things and until you walk a mile in anyone's shoes...you should not judge. An Open adoption can mean many different things and my story meant early photos, some letters and a visit while she was a baby, then nothing, no responses until earlier this year. So, no I was not aware. I just want to help my daughter with her struggles... and show her how my family works and that she is a part of it. I know there is not a magic wand to wave to make all of this disappear and I can not come in and save her. If I could invent a time machine I would. What I didn't realize at the time was they (adoptive parents) would have gotten over NOT getting my child and I never will.

The abuse from the boyfriend was physical, yes the police were called, but no charges filed, because adoptive mother did not want this to be on the boys permanent record as he is of legal age. Again, stating facts!

My daughter has told me on several occassions she understands the choice I made, but I am sure she has felt abandoned and wondered why..why..why??? I have been very open and honest with her and told her it is okay to be angry and to express her feelings.

Yes, I believe counseling will be the best thing for her. She must deal with her emotions and be true to herself.

HUGGS for all that had so many comforting words.

I am an adoptive parent and I didn't think your post came across at all as "blaming" her parents.

It sounds to me like you are doing your best - you might want to try your local councils adoption department as they are legally obliged to provide post-adoption support. It varies by council but my council's is actually very good.

momto3, that is terrible....that no charges were being pressed

Anyway, I do hope you can get things sorted, but it is certainly very positive that you are open and honest wiht her....just try to build your relationship with her up and be there for her, no matter what!

glad you came back adn hope that you are not upset by some of teh responses which upset other posters.

Your basic question then seems to be how can you, as her birth mother and current carer, fight for the counselling you think she needs?

Are you in contact with her social work team? presumably you are now legally able to make choices about her care and her needs now that she is living with you?

You say you want her to realise that she needs to turn her life around but for you to help with this she will have to accept you back into her life after all this time of little or no contact. How open to this is your daughter? How does she feel about living with you after all this time, away from those who raised her and who presumably she loves regardless of how tough things have been? Would you be prepared to involve her parents (Adoptive) in all this? You only really mention her mum, where is her dad, her siblings.

you ask 'How do you explain to someone you gave them up for chance at a better life and they were failed'

is she asking you for explanations or maybe are you worrying too much?

I am not upset at all...and again I appreciate all of the posts. I am in contact with her court appointed guardian and I do communicate with this person regularly. My daughter was removed by the court from the only home she has ever known and I was in court that day for support for her and I was asked to take her in. She wanted to come with me. She is missing her homelife which is normal for anyone, but not always the best thing. At home for her, there were no rules or boundaries and at my house there is. 16 years olds should not being out until 3am or just come home at their will and then when there are no repercussions....wouldn't you feel like no one cared? She would just get up and do it again.

Yes, I would work with all parties for the ultimate goal...which is to see my daughter succeed in life..go to school...no drugs...respect others and herself.

Her adoptive father does try to contact her on occassion, but she wants nothing to do with him. Her siblings really want nothing to do with her..until now..but only one of them to my knowledge. She has told me in the past they have made comments such as...your opinion does not matter, you are not really part of this family. Or, our life would be easier if you didn't live here. Please take into account both siblings are older than my daughter. Kids are cruel sometimes. I know that has hurt her, because she is adopted. She has also told me several times being apopted is unfair...and she feels she would have a better life living with me, but does not want to hurt her adoptive family. Maybe she is telling me what she thinks I want to hear and yes I definatley worry tooo much.

Give the op a break! The adoption is a red herring really. OP's daughter is being pulled in two directions, and she as the responsible parent is losing her influence over an impressionable teenager.

OP I really hope that things work out. Is there a teacher at school that she had any respect for? Or a friend's mother or father? Somebody 'neutral' who can help her interpret more accurately when people really DO have her best interests at heart..

I am pushing for the court to allow a third uniterested party counsel, but that outcome will come directly from a judge....I can only pray the she does not get lost in the system. The only power I have not is to have her treated for a medical emergency or regular check up.

I am giving her all I have to give...love and tough love with setting boundaries and rules. I know she has to want these things for it all to come together.

momto3 - Sounds like you are doing all you can. Im sure it wont change overnight, but just keep doing what youre doing. Good luck to you both.

momto3 - as I said, i have no experience in any of this, but it does sound as if you are doing all the right things.

I wonder if your (or her) GP could help you get family therapy sessions through your local PCT - (the part of the NHS that deals with local rehabilitative and suport services) - or maybe the social worker or the people Kewcumber suggests could advise whether that would be possible?

Wow some people are mean when it comes to adoption!

momto3 it sounds like you've only ever done your best for your daughter so ignore these comments.

I find it amazing that anyone thinks she should have done more, even if she'd had more contact with the girl she has no PR and no legal say in anything so what could she do? Even though the girl is living with her now she still has no PR that will lie either with her adoptive parents or social services and nothing can be done without the consent of the person with responsibility.

momto3, is it worth her speaking to her GP and asking for help that way? It's all confidential if she does and you don't have to be officially involved.

And remember that teenagers just DO get into scrapes whatever background and family history they have.

The anti adoption comments baffle me too. As hard as it is, if you give your child up for adoption then you have to allow the child to be properly a part of their new family and not pull them in two, trying to make them fit in to two completely different worlds. Which would be hard for a socially competent adult, never mind an insecure teenager.

Momto3, my parents' friends adopted a girl from an travelling family, and over and over again, every time she was happy and secure, she'd be carted off to a travellers' wedding, miss school, and return with her head filled with notions against 'the settled community'. This was an 'open adoption' too. Anyway, the girl met a scrape you could say, and she soon discovered who really had her best interests at heart. It took a while, but she sees things a bit more clearly now in her early twenties than she did at about 15.

Things aren't really clear to anyone until their early adulthood, and of course we all still learn each day and sometimes things are still muddy.

With all of this choas, I sometimes forget; she is a teen and this is only one part of her life...she has friends that are much more important. Afterall, as parents, we don't really know that much.

and teen years for an adoptee can be particularly difficult.