Help for my daughter who was adopted

[momto3]

I agreed to an open adoption 16 years ago. She is now 16 years old. Like many 16 year old she as many issues, as do many 16 year old children. I am now married and have two children with my husband. My daughter has missed over 160 days of school in the past 2 school years. She has been in court most of her life dealing with the divorce and disruption of her adoptive parents. They have used her and their biological childrens as weapons agianst each other. My daughter was removed from her home and has been temporarily placed in my care. My intentions for my daughter have never changed and I will do anything I can to help her make the right choices. She has been abused by a boyfriend of legal age, with her adoptive parents knowledge. Her adpotive mother has been addicted to prescription drugs. She is really struggling and needs counseling; however the court has not yet approved I obtain this for her. I am just waiting for the outcome of our next court date. How do you help someone that doesn't realize they need help? How do you explain to someone you gave them up for chance at a better life and they were failed? How do you make a child wake up and realize that their life is going on and they need to get in it?

"How do you make a child wake up and realize that their life is going on and they need to get in it?"

This phrase concerns me. She is still a child who has been through a lot and wanting to make her realise her life is going on is ridiculous. 16 year olds think they are invincible and she will not think each day that goes is one less day to live. That is the total least of her worries.

Hats off to you momto3. And as for those of you that are being mean and as far as I can tell very uncaring
I too adopted at 15, which was 21 years ago, in a fairly open adoption. My open adoption included photos regular updates and the fact that he knew who and where I was from the very beginning.
My worse fear was always whether I had chosen the right family and that he didnt have any instability and upheavel or god forbid abuse in his life (basically opposite childhood from me )
I was lucky and he has ended up a lovely young man but in your situation I would have done all that I can as you are!
All I can advise is keep pushing for counselling and I admire what you are doing, bringing a 16 year old back onto the right path will be hard. Good luck

nzshar-glad to hear your situtation was a success and I hope you have a good relationship with your son.

Don't all parents (indeed adult friends too) of troubled teens want them to realise that what they do now has incredible consequences for the future? Mumto3, it sounds like you are doing a very brave thing in taking your daughter back into your family with such uncertainty about your role and the future. I hope you and her get lots of support, and develop a new relationship that helps you both heal some of the pain of the past. It sounds as if you are doing all the right things in setting boundaries. Is there support available from the adoptive or fostering community at all? In many ways your situation must be similar to those fostering teenagers, although obviously with different and additional emotions involved.

momto3 sorry no help, just a hug and silent support through this tough time

nooka-
Thanks for your kind words. I would hope most parents would agree.

No-one has been mean to the OP. She is blaming the girl's parents for what has happened to the child but didn't acknowledge that many of her problems could stem from the fact that she gave her up for adoption. No doubt the OP had the best of intentions but an adopted child might not believe that. Likewise the people who adopted the child probably did so with the best of intentions but marriages go wrong and families mal-function and 16 year old girls can misrepresent what has happened to them.

I became mother to my child through adoption. I'm not her "adoptive parent" - I'm her mum. We will never know her birth mother but God help her if she turned up when my daughter was a teenager and starting criticising me.

RebeccaX-

Maybe God should be helping you.

As the child in question has been removed from her home and placed with momto3 by the authorities I think something has gone fundamentally wrong within her birth family. Of course bad things can happen to anyone, marriages break down, and adopting can be much harder than anticipated, but it still would appear that something beyond the norm has happened here.

RebeccaX - if your daughter came across difficulties in life - got into trouble at school or with the law - would you blame her birth mother or your own parenting? Or would you just accept that some teenagers get into trouble?

To blame the OP as the birth mother, simply for giving her daughter away to have a better life, is not on. As an adoptive mum, you should know that.

I think you are being unnecesarily harsh on OP rebecca, I am both an "adoptive" parent and a mum and like it or not occasionally children who were adopted are not best served by their parents (just the same as for some non-adopted children)

The fact that a court has removed this child from her home and is happy for her to reside with OP indicates to me that there is a judgement to be made on her parents. As adoptive parents I feel that we have a responsibility to not be blinkered on the rare occasions where other adoptive paretns fail their children. It does not serve this child well for us to be pointing fingers at a birth parent and say "but its your fault too".

Whatever issues my son may have in future I do not expect his birth mother to take any "blame" she did the only thing she could do at the time. In his case, he wasn't abused or neglected or badly treated. He could well have abandonment issues in the future (too young now) which would be explained by his adoption but I strongly beleive that assigning "blame" would be pointless and not productive and even not very helpful.

If a parent (adoptive or birth) takes drugs, allows abuse to happen and generally fails to parent adequately we should be prepared to acknowledge that failure and try to help the child.

I would generally agree that you need to be careful interpreting what a teenager tells you without hearing the other side of the story but where a court guardian has been appointed and the child has been removed from the home I think its reasonable to assume that this is more than a simple teenage rebellion against her parents.

OP asked how she can help her child - do you have anything constructive to advise her?

Momof3 - you should be able to approach your local authority for support. They will have a post adoption section, if they cannot help directly they may be able to point you in the right direction for support.

You could also try the Post Adoption Centre and/or Adoption UK - they will know of counsellors/agencies who have expertise in adoption issues. Make sure if you do seek support that any counsellor has experience of adoption issues!!!!.

It sounds as if your birth daughter has had a tough time. You need to understand that the fact that she is adopted will be part of the picture also. If things have gone badly with her family she will surely be having feelings of rejection and abandonment, which are common themes in adoption issues also. Plus she is a hormonal 16 year old!!!

I think you may need professional advice on how to proceed with building a relationship with your birth daughter. It could be easy for her to think you are the perfect solution to her problems, she needs support to deal with the breakdown of her family home aswell as support in building a relationship with you. She may or may not have the capacity to deal with all the emotional feelings around the adoption issues.

Make sure you look after yourself and your family also during this process, and take it slowly with her. Build a relationship slowly, be consistent and show that she can trust you i.e don't promise her things you cannot provide emotionally or otherwise. I hope all goes well for you.

momto3, I have huge sympathy for you and your daughter. You are doing the very best you can for her in really hard circumstances. It must be very hurtful for you, as well as her, that her adoptive family has failed so badly (not just your opinion but confirmed by the court).

Some excellent sources of advice posted here, but I wonder whether the charity (think it's called Norcap) might also help? THey help adoptive children deal with tracing their parents but I think their remit is wider and they may well be able to support you all or point you in the right direction.

As well as support for your girl, I think YOU need support and help to figure out the right way to help her.

FWIW, to fend off all the critics, my mother was adopted and had wonderful parents so I am certainly NOT biased against adoptive parents. And people on this thread are using the phrase 'adoptive mum' just because it distinguishes between the OP and the other mother in this situation, not making any judgment about other women who have adopted.

Norcap here and yes, they do help birth families and adult adoptees

I read the first few posts and to be honest am amazed and astonished that people fill in blanks so negatively. momto3 gave some information, and there were things that people wanted clarifying, but rather than ask the questions are wait for answers, all sorts of assumptions where made about her before she came back.

She took the step to be brave and ask for support and advice of MN and she got slated for it.

I am just gobsmacked that people are so judegmental and quick to blame.

momto3 - you sound like a great parent. It might be later than whern you would have liked it to be, but she is young, and you are there now for her. You can only go forward, and in time she will know for sure you love her and want the best.

My DHs brother was adopted and he found his adoptive mother and the family she had after him. It has taken time, but with patience and time, they have a good relationship.

Thanks again for all of the posts.

I am NOT against adoption. I respect both biologial parents/families and adoptive parents/familes. I take responsibility for the choice I made and will offer any support or answer any questions my DD may have. Each situation is different. My story has not turned out thus far as planned, but that does not mean things will not turn around. I try to stay postive as I am raising other DC. I did/do not have any intention of offending anyone by naming "adoptive" or "biologial" parents/families. Everyone involved is important in an adoption, in my opinion.

I have contacted a post adotion agency for support for myself and my DC. I am hopeful the court system will approve support for my DD. I take each day as it comes and I will continue to fight for what I believe in.

Good for you, Momto3. I do hope things work out.

momto3. everything you are saying is making sense. i have personal experience and experience through those close to me of adoption, on the biological and the adoptive side.

you only want the best for your daughter and from what i've read it seems you have tried to do what's best for her since her birth.

i hope you are able to participate more in her life and that she gets the support and help that she needs. the teenage years are a tough time.

despite being loved very much by everyone around them some adoptive children find it hard to understand their identity and their place in the family, especially at a time when they are trying to figure out 'who they are' as it were.

best of luck with everything.

hi, iv experienced this situation from both ends. I was adopted at the age of 3 because my mum died and dad couldnt handle looking after me and my sister. We had a nightmare of an upbringing with my auntie and uncle, who were rich, devout christians...real pillars of the community, but behind closed doors they bullied us physically and mentally and we lived in absolute fear of them. my real dad kept appearing every now and then but it made the whole thing far worse because we were stuck in the middle of him and them. all wanting to prove that they were right.
I was then forced to give up my child for adoption, so opted for no contact apart from 1 photo and 1 letter a year. I was very tempted to go for the open adoption but I didnt want him to have to deal with the confusion, neglect, feeling insecure that me and my sister had. Hes now 18, i dunno where he lives nor he me, but i know what he looks likes, he knows what i do and we both know what each other is up to through the one letter a year. id love to meet him eventually but il understand if he doesnt because at the end of the day all his questions about me have probably been answered. From what i can gather he has grown up to be quite a level headed, much loved, happy young man.......where as me and my sister will always have issues due to our upbringing. People just need to think about whats best for the child not them, every little thing that is said or done to a child will create a ripple that will eventually turn into a wave of emotion. If a child grows up with issues its down to the behaviour of EVERYBODY involved in its upbringing.......such a massive responsibility !!!

I gave my bb girl up 19 years ago - trying to do what I thought was best for her. I spent the first 15 years regretting my decision and now I know it was wrong.

I chose the family and it was an open adoption. Things started to go bad 3 years ago - she was unintentially spoilt rotten and eventually took control of her adoptive family. I know they love her so much but she is intent on hurting everyone around her.

I blame myself for the way she turned out as she probably be needed stonger parents to bring her up. I hope she comes out of this "stage" she is at soon and returns to her family. I know that there is a beautiful girl inside her.

As for your daughter - she will have many issues to get over. Be honest with her and answer all her questions - tell her you love her - be strong and treat her the way you would of had you kept her. Hug her every day and let her know things will get better.

Not a day goes by when i don't think about my bb girl and the choices I made. I can't change anything but I hope that one day she will forgive us for what we did.

How is the OP to blame? They gave the child up because they weren’t in a position to raise a child. Abstaining from drugs ensuriring they go to school and caring for they’re welfare are basic parenting requirements.

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