My son was adopted years ago, now his returned back to me.

[cazanna]

Heres something worth thinking about...

Back in the 80s i had a young child, i loved him to bits, but, me and his father were always having fights,and i eventually, ended up with severe depression..to the stage, where i couldn't cope, i was very young and stupid then...

Years later, my son is now 20, has returned back to me, but he has told me that he started taking drugs at 10. My son was supposed to of been protected. I have a 17 year old who i have raised myself, and he doesn't smoke,drink, or take drugs..If people are going to Adopt, they need to think carefully, and think can they really cope, with raising someone else's child.
Also, its lovely when they are small, but be prepared for teenage hood.

I will not give up it can take years but I will still not give up😀

Dark River yes I know where I are coming from but everyone is different and have different feelings.i know for sure I was let down and given no help through social services not one but that's why I'm so angry on how they went about this whole case some just can't be bovard with the paper work I was watching a documentary about a 16yr old that was homeless under the care of social services and they where sitting in there office eating sandwiches drinking tea and where talking about they had no where for this child to go so said he would have to stay on the streets now that's bad for a social worker to say that!!!this child was homeless and under the care of ss sick!!!

I can assure that adopters know full well that their children need to know about their adoption. My son was 8 when he was adopted do you think he's somehow forgotton that?
You are doing yourself no favours here. I tried to help you in good faith and all you are doing is throwing around insults.
Like many adopters I have had my career curtailed, lost in income, pension, suffered from stress and ill health, helping MY child recover from his early experiences. No adopters make money through adoption. Do you think there would be a chronic shortage of social worke if they were raking it in.

Maybe having a go at bunch of anonymous people on the internet is making you feel a bit better. Fine, carry on. But its not productive. If you really do have a meeting with After Adoption next week I hope you listen to them because if you behave with them like you are here you will get nowhere

@Ted27 my after adoption support worker has been excellent and coming with me to meet the adopters on Friday.

Anne, I would honestly just drop it. Your not doing me or yourself any favours. Social works are trapped in as much redtape as everyone else.

darkriver As an adoptive parent, I feel your approach will make future contact and relationships as smooth as such a bumpy road can be. Hugs to you brave BPs who are able to centre your children's needs.

@darkriver198868

thats great news, I hope it goes well. We will be thinking about you. Let us know how you get on

My last reply was not a insult apart from iam moving on and trying to have a lot more contact with my children I hope my day comes where I meet my children and my after adoption lady can help me through this untill the time comes

I’m openly ignoring Anne and her shitty responses.

Dark river- thank you. Thank you for being one of the birth parents that puts their birth children first. I have followed your story and you are one bloody brave woman.

Aww good cause I didnt need a reply😀

I have great admiration for birth parents who are able to genuinely put their children's needs first. I am genuinely not sure that I would be able to do that if it meant losing DS so I do try to be patient with people who have been in this position. And after all I have had the pleasure of raising DS for 12 years so (imperfect though I might be) so it doesn't cost me much to be patient. I'd love him to meet his birth mother but if she distressed him and behaved like an idiot after all he's been through, I'd change my attitude in the blink of an eye.

My concern is that AfterAdoption provide some helpful guidance for the sake of the children involved.

I’m beginning to think most of this is a pack of lies Kew. Sadly I imagine the basic story is true but all the things that are magically happening in terms of confidential files and letterbox etc are, I imagine, fabricated in order to pretend a point is being proved against adoptive parents on a board. That, combined with deliberately posting on a thread that caused upset years ago, shows the intent to direct personal pain onto an Internet forum.
The whole thing is a desperately sad thing to do and I hope that the adoption support team actually do step up. It’s so easy to direct blame and hurt into other people but it doesn’t actually get the person anywhere.
I’m out of this discussion now, I don’t think any good is coming from it.

I left my conversation how it was and u still gotta comment and have the last day I'm not a rude person but when someone thinks they know more about my life then myself I will be upset I know what's what and I could say that about a billion people who's kids are in care that there all lies I didn't tho and yes I do have letter box contact and yes a lady is coming to see me at my home next Thursday to move forward and the best steps the difference is they know them self's how hard it is and frustrating for birth parents they do not work with social services they are there to help people move forward like myself so before u judge yourself or know anything shh

I didn't come on this thread to upset people I was quite ok untill people started putting there nose in where it wasn't wanted what do u want me to do sit back and let yous destroy me and I don't say a word I did not say at all that adopted parents where bad I said some as I've seen and heard about cases every child when they turn 18 have a right to meet there birth parents if they wanted to they may want to know there brothers sister etc there's not a thing that adopted parents can say or do when there that age there's no stopping a child at 18

So kewcumber how can u stop the child at 18 please explain

@Anne122 I have clearly stated that I would like my child to be able to meet his birth parents and he is 13, I'm not sure why you are asking me how I would stop him doing it at 18. I think you might have me confused with someone else.

I think the over-riding concern of all parents in the triangle should be what's in the best interests of the child. That is sometimes a hard thing to decide when emotions are so heightened. But I think we should at least TRY to do that.

I do wish you luck and hope that your children get what they deserve, whatever that is.

No one is talking about "stopping" their adult child doing anything. Years and years of painful work takes place by adoptive parents, to share info with children gently and gradually in the hope adulthood doesn't bring big shocks. It's absolutely the right thing for the child, that's why we do it. Sometimes it's also the right thing for the child to have face to face contact; sometimes they are not ready, or it wouldn't be safe. And the adoptive parents make the best judgement possible on that. I fully expect my child to question me later on why I came to some choices, and that's fine. Sometimes letterbox contact works well. Sometimes it's poorly administered, or birth families don't stay in touch. Then the adoptive parents have to try and manage the feelings of a child who (rightly) has no understanding of why that might be. It's tough on all sides. I have no doubt your pain is all too real. This is the moment, though, to really listen to After Adoption, about the best thing to do now for your child. I wish you peace and positive outcomes.

Anne,
I was thinking about your responses this morning and I think you need to manage your expectations. Your children may not want to want to meet you and even if they do your not going to ride off into sunset happy.

My mum gave up my sister for adoption before I was born. Growing up, I wanted to meet my sister but, when it finally happened I realised there was a chasm between us. She didn't have my childhood experiences of abuse, neglect and trauma. She got to grow up in a loving family. She feels sad that she didn't get to grow up with us.

Now almost 8 years later that chasm is still there. I don't believe we will ever be close.

I think you're setting yourself up for a massive disappointment if you're expecting happily ever after.

@darkriver198868 I think the expectation that everything will be wonderful is quite common and hopefully something that Anne will be able to talk through.

I know of cases where the (adult) children was very keen to meet birth mother but there was a huge mismatch between expectations - child was curious, met and curiosity was met, would have been happy to stay in touch intermittently, birth mother was expecting a parent/child relationship and was very intense and as a result there was a complete breakdown of the relationship.

Hopefully counselling on both sides (which I think may be mandatory if you go through official channels for good reason) leads to a higher c hance that contact will continue in some form.

I can well empathise that the thought of a parent-child relationship post 18 may be all that sustains a grieving mother. But, as everyone has said, that may conflict with what the children need and want. It is tough, and I'm sure After Adoption will explore that.

Yes I understand all that and I will follow what the after adoption says I know I can't just walk in to my childrens life and it be all hunky dory I understand that I'm just thinking of the long run hat I can do to try and see my children I love them and I'm always gonna be here for them if they do wanna meet

Hi I have come on here to give a update I know there was a lot of mix motions on here but I did have a meeting with the after adoption lady wenusday and had all my letters and photos ready for her and how to move forward but unfortunately I was told some devastating news apparently they wasn't aware of untill it flagged up when I was gonna send a letter out that my daughter passed away in 2016 age just 15 I'm numb shocked and would like answers I did go to visit my daughter's grave yesterday which is the hardest thing I have ever had to do now where do I go from here I'm hurt

I feel they have failed in there job to tell me this now it's a bigger shock:'(

@Anne122 I am sorry for your loss but, I am surprised you havent been told before... I asked about this due to health issues I have.

@anne122 I am so sorry for your loss. Do you have people around you in real life to give you support? You ask where you go now, and I can't give advice, but I hope that After Adoption were able to give some advice?