My son was adopted years ago, now his returned back to me.

[cazanna]

Heres something worth thinking about...

Back in the 80s i had a young child, i loved him to bits, but, me and his father were always having fights,and i eventually, ended up with severe depression..to the stage, where i couldn't cope, i was very young and stupid then...

Years later, my son is now 20, has returned back to me, but he has told me that he started taking drugs at 10. My son was supposed to of been protected. I have a 17 year old who i have raised myself, and he doesn't smoke,drink, or take drugs..If people are going to Adopt, they need to think carefully, and think can they really cope, with raising someone else's child.
Also, its lovely when they are small, but be prepared for teenage hood.

that should be 'live' their own lives

but of course it is equally important that they love their lives too

true

LOL at Kewcumber

Message withdrawn

At my first baby group meeting everyone described their birth experiences. When it got to me I said "I was having a curry at the time" which caused some confusion

In our case it's obvious DS is adopted (or that I was "playing away" I suppose).

What really bugs me are the stares. In the UK people are generally to polite to stare much, or if they do they smile with it and say "what a cute boy" to disguise their curiosity. Here in Singapore it's outright gawping, often with a very unpleasant expression (we have been known to have people jump back in apparent horror!). We were on the underground the other day and a woman was staring with a very unpleasant expression. He was looking back at her with a very puzzled expression on his face, "why is she glaring at me".

The OP here disgusts me - I really do find it incredibly offensive.

I was given up for adoption when I was 9 days old, and was lucky enough to come into the best family - MY family, and they weren't bringing up "someone else's child". I have 2 other siblings who were also adopted separately - one has had problems with drugs and the other has dabbled - I personally have never tried any.

So it's nothing to do with the quality of parenting - it's to do with the child's individual choices. I find it hard to believe that your son was taking drugs at 10 - he's probably (rightly in my opinion) annoyed at you for not being able to provide unconditional love for him when he needed it. Maybe you can put all your hatred aside now and provide that love and care that it sounds like he so desparately needs.

Drugs has nothing to do with the quality of parenting but taking drugs at the age of ten is shocking and does have something to say about the quality of parenting. I would feel let down if I had given up a child to give it a better start and the parents had put him a position where it was possible. I agree that OP needs to let go of the past and concentrate on the future.

Also slight miffed about the 'bringing up someone elses child' and the double FACT. As others have said I would like to hear the other side of the story, and believe that it is possible that he might be trying to make OP feel guilty for not being there, and if thats the case he seems to be doing a goog job.

Cazanna - I have stayed off thsi thread so far because most posters have been very nice to you and have avoided facing you with teh facts because they dont want to hurt your feelings. Every parents here knows how hard it must be to lose a child, for whatever reaosn. Adoption starts from a place of loss for EVRYONE concerned, not just teh birth mother.

Hoever, most adults accept that there are many children who have the best possible start in life and excellent parenting and STILL take drugs, often starting very young.You can't choose your childrens friends and classmates and somemtimes they are not a good influenece and many children make poor choices

Your bio son had a very difficult start in life. High levels of stress in pg adversely affect the baby, then he witnessed domestic violence and was affected by his your "severe depression" . he was then placed in the care system and undoubtedly spend months or even years with different foster carers. you do not knwo if he has a mental health problem.

He has lived all his life knowing that you rejected him and failed to care for him. you are right - your son was meant to have been protected - by the people who brought him into thsi world. the care system is NOT the place to put your child if you want them to be protected.

i am not saying thsi to make you feel bad - these are just facts

i know of one child ( in the Uk and of the same generation as your bio son)who went into care before the age of three and was in 27 placements before being placed for adoption aged 8. That sadly is not uncommon

AbbeyA - the Op did not give up her child to give him a better start - she either relinquished him because she coulnd't cope or he was removed for his own safety. Its not an altruistic act - its either forced on parents or doen out of desperation.

Cazanna - i understand that you want to believe that your bio son woudl have done better with you and that may well be true. Its natural that you feel guilty and angry and need to dump that guilt on teh adoptive parenst of your bio son. However you really dont know much about his upbringing and you woudl be wise not to judge then without all the facts

you will understand that this section of mumsnet is mostly read by adoptive and prospective adoptive parenst and by adoptees.

many adoptive parenst struggle every day with teh damage caused to their children by their early experinces. soem have seen their other children leave home or their marriages break up or had a breakdown because of the stress. many adoptees have struggled with issues of rejection and abandonment all their lives.They dont need you to come on here and lecture them

Given you sweeping judgements and offensive langauge, i think that all the posters here have been EXTREMELY measured.

This is not the best place to get help for your issues - you would be better to speak to a counsellor in RL. SS are obliged to provide post adoption support - you could contcact your local office.

Yeah, and people who are disturbed and take drugs never tell lies or exaggerate, do they AbbeyA? They wouldn't try to make their birth mum feel guilty would they?
I would really LOVE to read what the adoptive parents have to say about this. I suspect it would be a totally different story.

I hadn't thought of the fact that he might not have been telling the truth but I expect that is a distinct possibility and he didn't start at 10yrs.

This thread has really made me think about how I feel about DS's relinquishment and parenting "someone elses child". I'm currently in the process of preparing DS's first lifebook and what I tell him about his BM is important.

The one thing I won't be saying is that she gave him up so he would have a better life. How is his life better with me than with the woman who gave birth to him and with a family who looks like him? It is a different life but not necessarily a better one - how do you judge "better"?

I think what I will be telling DS is that his BM really wasn't able to look after anyone but herself at that time and babies need to be looked after now and they can't wait. So when she couldn't look after him the hospital had to find someone who would - and that someone (luckily for me) was me.

In the beginning of course he felt like somebody elses child - how could he not but week after month after year of getting up to him in the night and kissing his scraped knees, of cheering when he uses the potty and laughing at his antics have made him mine as much as if someone had chopped my arm off and molded it into a child. Not only would I die for him but I'd kill anyone who hurt him.

I do think of his BM as a parent of his, I feel a bond with her which is silly given that we haven't and will never meet. I compose letters to her in my head about how well he is doing and what a lovely boy she gave birth to. How ironic that despite my imaginary "bond " with her, one day she may be like the OP cursing me for not making a better job of it than she could have!

I have no idea whether the way he turns out will be a reflection on me, her or him, I suspect a complicated combination of all three

Sorry not really relevant to anything - just that the thread got me thinking...

You sound a lovely mother, Kewcumber. I guess it is something that I shouldn't really comment on, not having any experience.
I think that I commented because he was only 10 and it is such a contrast to a recent thread where people wouldn't even let a 10 yr old walk to the local shop on his own.

kewcumber that is a lovely, lovely post.

lucky ds, and lucky you

Ah Christie but you see the difference between me and your adoptive mum is that I am a "strumpet who slept around with no thought of the consequences" just an infertile one . I'm hardly in any position to be throwing stones on that basis.

I don't want to paint DS's birth mother as horrible for not keeping him becasue I don't want him to be unhappy. However I don't want to lie to him and say she really loved him and wanted the best for him because I don't know thats true and it isn't always true.

Ultimately I will try to tell him the truth as I know it and try not to skew it with my own feelings because ultimately its his story not mine to tinker with.

Maybe I am naive but it is also important to note the difference between trying drugs and being "hooked" or even a regular user.

I tried cannabis at 9 or 10 when camping with friends and teenage siblings. Just for fun. Very loving family and it didn't make me a drug user. In fact I never tried any so called hard drugs. Surely I am not alone in this situation. I know it is going onto a slightly different point but relevant to parenting issues and worries, I think.

OP, I hope you find happiness in your relationship with your first child.

I agree. I've tried Ecstacy, coke and cannabis in my time. None of them did anything for me and I never bothered again.

I think the OP has to consider whether her son is lying to her, or at the very least exaggerating, in order to make her feel guilty.

It's also worth pointing out that the OP's second son might also have tried drugs and alcohol - just because you don't know about it doesn't mean it isn't going on.

You should be grateful that a loving family took him in when you abandoned him - not blaming them.

10 isn't really a shocking age as I would have thought a time ago. My son got caught up in drugs and first tried cannabis at 10. He is 18 now and only just told me that he did it at that age. I have 4 children and for some reason he got caught up in this. We are a very caring family. It can happen to anybody. This is a big problem everywhere.

Hi everyone I'm new to all this I have a long story to tell but will cut it short as I can I'm 38 now but at the time I was 21 and fell pregnant with my daughter 1yr later I had a little boy but after leaving the father at the time I was pregnant with my little boy😪I went through alott of domestic violence after my girl so she was taken from me I then had my son but ss decided I would have to do all courses to prove I could care for my son I done everything they asked of me bare in mind I was a mess and recovering from DV with no coucelling or no one to help me along my journey.so after everything I done to keep my son they decided they was gonna take him from me and adopt him out I miss him so much and it's hurting so bad I don't want my children to think I never tried and that I don't love them.my son is 16 coming on 17and my daughter will soon be 18 what can I do to stop this hurt I'm feeling for them I want them to know I love there more then anything

Anne, I'm sorry you are hurting so much. Have you ever had counselling to help you deal with your grief? I assume you never had any letter box contact?
I obviously don't know what your children have been told, and I can really only speak for myself, but my son knows that his birth parents tried very hard.

There is an organistion where you can register so that when your children are 18, if they want to find you, your details are available. I will try and find a link to them for you, unless someone else comes along with it first.

Hi thank you for responding I was having letter box contact up untill 8yrs ago they stopped it because my son was diagnosed with autism they said he wouldn't understand and will upset him more I tried coucelling I just don't know where to start I have spoken to ss today and I've told them I want to speak with someone about it I don't know weather I should get a solister involved I signed no papers for the adoption I wasn't given my children away they didn't help me a single bit they lied through there teeth i miss them every single day it's hurting so much I want them to know I love them they have 2brothers who r with me I want them back in my life😪