Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

My son was adopted years ago, now his returned back to me.

200 replies

cazanna · 31/05/2008 14:21

Heres something worth thinking about...

Back in the 80s i had a young child, i loved him to bits, but, me and his father were always having fights,and i eventually, ended up with severe depression..to the stage, where i couldn't cope, i was very young and stupid then...

Years later, my son is now 20, has returned back to me, but he has told me that he started taking drugs at 10. My son was supposed to of been protected. I have a 17 year old who i have raised myself, and he doesn't smoke,drink, or take drugs..If people are going to Adopt, they need to think carefully, and think can they really cope, with raising someone else's child.
Also, its lovely when they are small, but be prepared for teenage hood.

OP posts:
Nursejo · 31/05/2008 21:33

I am adopted and have been told/known it from a very early age.I was "special" as I was chosen.I have excellent parents,who gave me a wonderful upbringing. I am happy and secure and have no "urge" to meet my Birth Parents.At 13 months I dont believe a child has any "hang ups" about their previous life.If they are introduced to drugs at 10 years old,it says more about the area they live,and the children they mix with.Cant see how thats related to their "birth status". I firmly believe in the effects an enviroment has on a child being the greater importance in creating their personality,heriditary factors play a small part IMO as these can be "moulded/changed".

theyoungvisiter · 31/05/2008 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janni · 31/05/2008 22:05

Cazanna - I have an adopted daughter who will be having direct contact with at least one of her birth parents. I am pleased that your son has met up with you again and I really hope that you will be able to help him resolve his difficulties and come to terms with what has happened in his life.

Anchovy · 31/05/2008 22:10

Interesting. I am one of 4 children, one of whom is adopted (was adopted at 6 weeks). Astonishingly middle class professional family.

One child did do drugs and had some lost years and missed chances, although am very grateful to say is now happy, healthy and successful. It was not the adopted child.

Lives are not a snapshot - they change and move on. Lots of things influence them. I would be happy that your child has made contact and work with what you have.

oops · 31/05/2008 22:19

Message withdrawn

Piffle · 31/05/2008 22:19

I can understand Cazannas anger.
you give up your child, to better parents who can offer a better life, having been vetted and checked thoroughly. You assume this as a guarantee against Bad Things happening to the child. It is a breach of expectation, but these things sometimes happen to good parents as well as bad parents. You cannot predict what will happen to affect adoptive parents lives anymore than you can predict your own.
what is good is that you've been reunited, bonded and healed together.
that is special and down to you both.
glad you found your son and got to here, sorry he had a rough ride though x x x

beaniesteve · 31/05/2008 22:20

Cazanna... I have used drugs and I was raised very well by my family. People are influenced by all the things in their environment and perhaps his adoptive parents are not bad people. I've only read the first couple of posts but Ultimately the only person responsible for his drug taking is him.

Many drugs are taken by many people who manage to lead happy and healthy lives.

nzshar · 31/05/2008 22:21

Sorry cazanna I totally disagree with you. I do not see the parents of my birth son as them "bringing up someone elses child". He is their child. I may have given birth but I signed all rights I had over to them willingly. Giving birth does not make a mother/parent, bringing up that child the best you know how giving love, food, clothing and doing the best you can is being a parent.
I have siblings that have been brought up by my father and stepmother that have turned to drugs and criminal behaviour so it isnt an exclusive adoptive parent issue as most know.
Perhaps your birth son had bonding/attachment issues ever think of that. Wow actually quite cross at your very generalised/sweeping statement.

Piffle · 31/05/2008 22:24

but at age 10?
really?
I tried drugs and was well brought up but at age 10 it was ponies, barbie and Lego...

AbbeyA · 31/05/2008 22:25

I can see Cazanna's point, she made the heartbreaking decision to give her child up for adoption and she did it in the interests of the child, to give him a better life. It must be upsetting to find that this didn't happen. He started taking drugs at 10yrs old! It is difficult with a teenager but a ten year old should be protected, they shouldn't be in contact with anyone with drugs and they shouldn't have the opportunity to experiment.

GreenElizabeth · 31/05/2008 22:27

I don't think the adoption process could be any more stringent than it already is though.

It's very sad that he took drugs,and I hope he will stop, but I don't think you can blame either his adoption parents or the process. Nobody wants their son to take drugs.

Lots of people take drugs and they'r not all adopted.

beaniesteve · 31/05/2008 22:29

yes 10 is young, but it does happen. We don't know how often he takes drugs (if he still does) or what drugs the OP s talking about.

But still... it presumably was his choice?

AbbeyA · 31/05/2008 22:31

We are not talking about a teenager here we are talking about a ten year old!! On drugs!!
I have just taken part in a long thread about children being given freedom. A lot of people wouldn't let their 10 yr old walk to the local shop and yet the adoptive parents of this particular DC had no idea what he was doing (or at least I assume they didn't!).

nzshar · 31/05/2008 22:32

Thats my point too GreenElizabeth I dont think you can blame the parents or the process for this. Ok maybe you can blame the parents but the decision was made a long time previous to that. Who knows what may or may have not happened had he stayed with you.Just because a friends child may turn to drugs does not mean that you disown and totally blame that friend or does it? Pointing fingers and blaming is not good. The fact that he has found you and that you can now start to build a relationship is what should matter.

AbbeyA · 31/05/2008 22:36

You can blame the parents if a 10yr old is on drugs.

nzshar · 31/05/2008 22:36

my birth son is also 20. He left school at 15 with no qulifications and has bummed around on benefits getting his 18 year old girlfriend pg and has no real direction. I DO NOT blame his parents for this or have bitterness at all. It is what it is and I am sure had he stayed with me it would probably have been much worse so we deal with what life has dealt our way and build on what we have.

nzshar · 31/05/2008 22:39

Have we actually discovered what drugs this 10 year old was on? Because by 10 I was smoking and having a bit of alcohol. OH NO yes I had liberal parents!!. Maybe why I got pregnant at 15 huh. Like I said it has all made me the person I am today (fairly nice law abiding person I think ) and we live with our lot.

Kewcumber · 31/05/2008 23:32

"You can blame the parents if a 10yr old is on drugs. " - I agree with you Abbey, most of the time you can.

However the point I tried to make is that:

  • this is not a cautionary tale of adoption. This is not a general problme with adoption and to lecture all adoptive parent and prospective adoptive parents for it is ridiculous. And in fact quite offensive to imply that adopters are fine when their children are small and cute but that they fail to cope with teenagers.
  • this young man may have many issues with respect to his adoption. It isn't unknown for people in his position sadly to be very manipulative. I'm not in a position to say that his story is genuine, a complete lie or a complicated mixture of truth and half truth. How would we know from what has been discussed here?

I do understand your anger cazanna - I'm no doubt that you feel just as angry at yourself for failing him as you feel towards his parents but I think you do the wider adoption community a terrible dis-service by trying to use your individual case as a cautionary tale.

I hope every works out well for this young man and wish you all the best in rebuilding a relationship with him as it seems to be what you both want.

Kewcumber · 31/05/2008 23:34

GreenEliz - if the adoption provess were any more stringent there would be even more children parked in foster homes than there already are.

callmeovercautious · 31/05/2008 23:38

cazana - I am so glad you have made contact with your Son. I wish you well for the future, perhaps now he has found you again he can work through the addiction with your support. X

MsDemeanor · 31/05/2008 23:42

I am glad you have a chance to meet your son again cazanna, it must bring up a lot of mixed emotions. However,I suspect a lot of people are being really nice to you here, and not saying everything they really think, because they can tell you are in pain. I think if you give up your baby even if for very good, sensible reasons, you are not in the best position to berate other people for how that child turned out. I would love to hear the adoptive parents side of all this. it may be very different. And I think some sweeping generalisations in your post could be (and clearly have been) extremely painful for some very loving parents trying to undo the damage done to their adopted children. Some kids from the most loving and stable homes fuck up their lives.

beaniesteve · 31/05/2008 23:46

Kewkumber... bloody good post.

TinkerbellesMum · 01/06/2008 00:22

I'm sure in 20 years the adoption process has changed dramatically, I should think SW'ers are far more careful about who they let children go to. However, we don't know the full story.

nzshar, by 10 my daughter will have been drinking alcohol for 5 years as I am a firm believer in following the age guidelines on alcohol to encourage healthy attitudes to drinking.

Jodee · 01/06/2008 00:30

It's very sad that your eldest son took drugs, you don't say whether he is free of them now? I hope so - but please don't judge the adoptive parents, it can take just a few 'innocent' puffs of dope to hook some people, leading to other 'harder' drugs; whereas others aren't hooked so quickly.
DH has 2 brothers; 5 step-children came into the family home when he was very young when his mother re-married. Now years later, DH and 2 brothers all remained drug-free; 5 step-children all addicts.
I'm in the adoption process at the moment, something i don't take on lightly, especially as we have bio child already.

AbbeyA · 01/06/2008 08:14

People can be excellent parents and still have a DC who gets hooked on drugs but not at 10 years old. Something has gone badly wrong if they are able to get hold of any at that age. When my DSs were 10 I knew all their friends and the parents of their friends and they were not allowed out unless I knew where they were and who they were with. If someone had offered them drugs I would have been kicking up the most almighty fuss-seeing the parents of the children who had offered them, involving the school and most likely the police.
If I had given up a DC for adoption because I wanted him to have a better life than I could provide I would be devastated that the level of care was so poor that he could get drugs at 10 years old. I would accept that it could happen in the best of families from about 13 yrs onwards but not at 10 years old-I think it is shocking.