We have a bit of a unique set-up but think this is the best place to post. I would really value some insights and thoughts from those with blended or separated families.
My Dnephew 13 has lived with us for 2 years, since he began secondary. He's had a rough ride, was removed from his mum/my sis aged 2 and lived with my mum who is brilliant but due to age and ill-health was starting to struggle. The move here was planned and we live in the next city to where he was with my mum, he was seeing her lots still before lockdown. He is young for his age and has some unspecific mild learning needs at school, it doesn't come across to friends, my friends etc. but he is a little young for his age and does struggle a little to follow some instructions, though some of this I'm sure is a typical teen thing too.
I'm separating from my husband, I was house hunting before lockdown but things have obviously been delayed. We hadn't told the kids as were waiting to know for sure where we'd be moving to.
I have two DS, just turned 7 and 4. Prior to DN moving here they were all so close and had a fab relationship , especially DN and my older son. It has all gone downhill since he moved here and then worse again since lockdown. There's a 6 year age gap and DN has started hitting the teens so I accept they're in different places and aren't going to be best mates, but the competitiveness (mainly from DN) is getting ridiculous and I fear damaging their relationship further. Just a few examples:
- DS7 sits next to me for a cuddle, DN runs across, 'I want a cuddle! I want a cuddle!' and they literally fight over me like the last bloody doughnut.
- DS got rollerskates for his birthday just recently and was beginning to 'get' them. When we showed DN he said, 'I want rollerskates! I really want them!' (he had them when younger and wasn't bothered about them at all).
- DS showed us all a magic trick he got in a birthday card, DN immediately starts begging to know it, no 'Ooh that's good, well done' etc. Goes on and on until I say (and feel bad about it), 'Can you please just let DS enjoy his trick, like we have done when you've done tricks or similar in the past?'
There are a million other things and I'm at the point where I tense up every time they start playing together or talking because they can't seem to be happy for each other about anything. I hate to say it but it's largely DN causing trouble, e.g. the two younger ones are playing and he comes over and within a couple of minutes one or both of the younger ones are upset because he's changed the game or introduced things they don't want him to, like said 'it's a bomb!' and dropped something on some Star Wars nation they've set up or whatever.
DS7 is no angel and can be a telltale and I often tell him to just leave it, that it's not nice to tell tales, that they need to sort it out themselves etc. But tbh I can see why he feels fed up because if I happen to overhear how DN can talk to him when he doesn't think I can hear it can be spiteful or mocking or overly bossy (I always say something when I do hear it), and DS is now at an age where he wants to be in charge of his own games and they end up in a weird power-play.
DS4 has picked up on the dynamic and I think it's changed his relationship with DN too, because he's naturally closer to DS7 due to the age gap and things in common etc. He sees them arguing and I see him mimic how they speak to each other and it isn't nice.
I've tried to talk to DN when we're doing something just us, e.g. encouraging him to take a bit of a different role, like helping or just joining in as I would when playing with them because, as an adult, I don't feel the need to change the game or have a problem with the younger kids leading it. However, DN I think is caught between two worlds of feeling like he's too grown up to play on one hand, but then wanting to join in and be in charge.
I've assured him he doesn't need to 'compete' with the younger 2, that he gets to do all this other stuff they don't, e.g. stay up later, watch films they don't, have more screen time, do things independently with friends (before lockdown at least), but it doesn't make a difference except for a few hours after maybe.
When I do physically separate with my H I'm worried their relationship will get worse. DN won't spend much time with H (DN is one of the reasons I'm leaving him but that's probably a whole other thread!) so the younger 2 will be spending, say, 35% of time with H, together, and have less time with DN. While this might make things more harmonious in the short-term, I worry they'll be less connected and I just feel so sad for DN as I know he hasn't had it easy and must feel displaced, despite my best efforts, as ultimately I'm not his mum and I know he feels sad about this.
Has anyone got any advice, or things that have worked with step siblings? I know life isn't perfect but I'd love for their relationship to improve in some ways at least, and reduce the tension. I feel really out of my depth now, and just overwhelmed as I'm trying to manage this weird lockdown secret separation which is hard enough. Feel like my head is going to explode!