endless waiting

[kckalli]

Hi all

Newbie here :-) We were approved for adoption a few months ago, and we are waiting for a match. Just wondering if there are any mums or mums to be on here going through the same thing / have somehow survived this stage without losing their sanity (too much)?
We have been given some profiles and expressed our interest but no match yet. We are awaiting our SW feedback from a meeting taking place next week about some other little ones who are up for adoption, but we are up against their foster carers and another prospective adopter. I'm struggling to think about / focus on anything else.

So we have been given 2 CPRs to read for children we expressed interest in on linkmaker. It's tough - it's easy to forget these are real children with personalities and pasts. Any tips for reading these? Just take note of anything that concerns us / that we want to ask questions about? Our social worker is great but works part time and isn't often around so I feel like we're being left in the dark a little.

I’ve just found out I may not be able to have more children. I know nothing about adoption as I haven’t had to look into it at all. I have one DS via IVF but looks like I’m about to have full hysterectomy. I’m curious about adoption, in the UK can you ever adopt newborn babies? Or is it children generally? Do people go over seas to adopt? Thanks x

Hi Mothermason, you may find you get more replies if you start your own thread on this topic (sorry I don't know how to do this!). I'm no expert but I do know that it isn't legally possible to adopt newborn babies in the UK due to the way the legal system works.

There is something caller 'foster to adopt' available in some areas, but given that it sounds like an emotional time for you at the moment, you are likely to be asked to take some time (typically between 6-12 months) to allow you time to grieve for the birth children that you will not have.

A sensible first step is to have a look through the threads on here and perhaps think about going to an adoption information evening (usually run by your local council).

Wishing you the best of luck in whatever you decide and I'm sorry you've had such sad news recently xx

A sad update from me I'm afraid fellow waiters...we have just been told that matching panel for us has been cancelled for the THIRD TIME.

I could weep with frustration. All due to social services' delays and inefficiencies. We have done everything asked of us as quickly as possible, paperwork returned well before deadlines etc. Apparently the childrens' social worker is claiming we have held things up which is upsetting and completely untrue. Our SWs senior manager is now involved.

We have both worked to the latest date after being assured we wouldn't get 'bumped' again. DH has quite a senior and demanding job and has been working hard to hand over different 'bits' in good time as he wants to take extra unpaid leave on top of paternity leave to facilitate introductions etc. We had even had the written plan for introductions through.

It's so easy to feel that we are literally the least important people in this whole process. Trying to be resilient and stay positive but bloody hell I'm struggling today! Am hoping someone else has lovely positive news to counteract my moaning!

@serenity45 that's awful.

Like you, we have always done everything almost by return.
Even so, things take weeks.

I am half expecting to go through what you have when it comes to matching panel.

We have literally always felt like the least important people in this situation.

Now, we are tough adults, and know the child is central etc - but even so would be nice just once to feel a little bit special!

@serenity45 I’ve been watching this thread we have just been matched again after a match which we had been waiting 6months for failed at the introductions stage which was absolutely devastating and something we never comprehended could happen, so we are approaching the new match with lots of emotional baggage, apprehension and negative feelings about the process!

This is my first post since, I felt so much empathy for you! I’m so so sorry to hear your news, the “delays” ( er no, delays are 10min train hold ups, these are derailments!!) are so frustrating and a build up of them like yours must be overwhelming. We were offered a panel date next month and our SW turned it down as on holiday, and now panels not until August. We know in the grand scheme of things it’s not long to wait, it’s more the intense disappointment feeling the milestones of little ones missed as the months slip away.

I completely get about feeling at the bottom of the pile.

I think you deserve a good cry and lots of cake (or cheese if you are more savoury). Just keep swimming (my mantra) you will get there xx

Thanks Topcat and DashofMagic your messages have really helped. Only just read them as needed a few days to try to rest my brain!

Dash - I'm so sorry to hear about your match failing, we too are almost at the 6 month mark since expressing interest. Our match hasn't failed (yet) and we are still committed to it but we have some serious reservations (as does our SW) about both childrens' social worker and foster carer (don't want to give too much info on an open forum).

Me and DH did have a really serious talk over the weekend about whether we wanted to continue - both with this match and with the whole adoption process in general. We feel we are being chewed up and spat out and our own mental health needs to come first. If I hear one more time that you need to be resilient to parent adopted children I will stab someone in the face. We ARE resilient. We have shown this over 2 years of a crappy process that is not supportive or well organised.

With a few days behind us we are in a much calmer place but I still feel constantly anxious and nervous. Waiting to hear about next steps while getting an email update from Mothercare about some nursery furniture is hard! (especially as we felt we delayed buying stuff as long as possible!)

Onwards and upwards thank you again for the support everyone

BTW Dash I'm sadly savoury followed by something sweet

Hi everyone, any updates from anyone?

@serenity45 did you receive any new dates or news? I hope things are ok 🤞 x

We are just waiting (shocker) for August to arrive when we will finally have panel and then hopefully start intros by 3rd week or last week in August. We have booked another “last” holiday to help the months go by...this is our 4th “last” holiday now this process is so torturously slow and tedious!!

We have a matching panel date in July and some meetings prior to that.

Dash we've had about 3 last holidays and loads of last weekends away!! Possibly panel early July but have seen the children last week for play which was lovely (apart from hostile foster carer who we've found out wanted to adopt the older child but ss want them placed together). So getting there slowly but surely as hopefully we all are.

Have an amazing holiday

So an an update we had matching panel on panel and unanimous yes so play dates start next week!

Congratulations DLouise. Are playdates the same as introductions?

That’s great news all round - congratulations everyone

Thank you @serenity45 it helps take the focus off all the waiting and stewing time and now we’re really looking forward to it. Are you going to see the kids again before panel in July? Lovely if so! x

DLouise that's AMAZING news I'm chuffed to bits for you!

@popcornzoo we have two playdates where we spend 2 hours just meeting then and then go into 8 days of intros x

@dlouise2004 do you have to travel far?

Around 45 mins x

Oh .I see, thanks DLouise, how exciting!

Hi all!

Not been around for a little while, as we got matched and then intro's and now the little ones (3.5 and nearly 2) are home - have been since two weeks.

Serenity45 I really hope things are coming along for you. I know what you mean with being the least important people in the process - that is how we felt throughout our process as well. Parents seem to be some sort of afterthought. Nevermind what we think n feel, doesnt seem to matter.
Dash - it is torture. August must feel like forever away. I really dont think that the people working in the system have any idea what it is like for us to go through this process. We're not just numbers on case files tho that is what it feels at times...
Dlouise - how are things going? So happy to read about the play dates :-) We had to travel 2 hours so ended up staying in a hotel for a week and then the foster carer brought her family down this way for another week.

@kckalli - lovely update!

Thanks so much @kckalli - I spend my whole life just wishing it away!! August is happily starting to feel a bit closer now...we are doing intro books and getting room ready etc which all help.

What a lovely update. How are things going?

Dashof Magic - i spent the first half of the year wishing it away ha ha! And everyone was saying ooh enjoy it now you wont be able to do this or that when the little ones are here - just wanted to say to them - i dont care i just want them to be at home with me!

Things are going well so far, the little ones seem to be very settled so we are now awaiting what the catch is gonna be! They are eating and sleeping well, (eldest doesnt like going to bed though so am curious what that is all about) and playing well. We have some typical sibling behaviour - if one is having a cuddle then the other one needs one too, or goes to sit on the floor n cries as if to say i've fallen. They come for cuddles, enjoy playing and argue with one another. They're pushing boundaries to see how far they can go and love going to the park to play. Pretty normal so far!

Great update @kckalli - intros start next week for us. We have another playdate Saturday and have had facetime calls with the children most days so they recognise our voices
Next tuesday it all start - 8 days of intros and then into being mummy and daddy! X

Louise we did FaceTime morning and evening between matching and intros and by the time it came to intros the kids recognised us and I think things went much smoother because of this. Keep us posted 👍🏻😃

So pleased to read some good news for folks on here. My DH and I were approved in early February and we have patiently been waiting for our LA to link us with a potential match had a couple of potential matches but both the Childs SW said no as we lived too close. I was cross as shouldn’t have told us about them if this was the case. We have one child already who we adopted in 2016 so we had hoped we would be linked really quickly. I know 5 months is not really that long but I feel our life is on hold, waiting for number two. The past two weeks I have started feeling as if it isn’t going to happen and really feeling sad. Just looking for some others in a similar situation to boost my mood.