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Original poster

endless waiting

103 replies

kckalli · 29/01/2019 15:14

Hi all

Newbie here :-) We were approved for adoption a few months ago, and we are waiting for a match. Just wondering if there are any mums or mums to be on here going through the same thing / have somehow survived this stage without losing their sanity (too much)?
We have been given some profiles and expressed our interest but no match yet. We are awaiting our SW feedback from a meeting taking place next week about some other little ones who are up for adoption, but we are up against their foster carers and another prospective adopter. I'm struggling to think about / focus on anything else.

OP posts:
DLouise2004 · 20/03/2019 22:09

It is wholly also dependent on the social worker you are given - our friends that were all on the same approval course have all been matched and had full time family finder social workers. Ours is doing two jobs at the same time and has no time for us! X

Original poster
kckalli · 21/03/2019 20:07

I agree - we have learnt so much and it really tests how strong your relationship is at times and how you support one another. My other half has ADHD and to be honest, some days it has been really good as she somehow manages to come away from the stress and the looking and just sees it as 'something not quite real', where as i am overly emotional and get attached as soon as i see a baby pic.
We had points where we thought sod it, why do we put ourselves through this. We have no control (i am REALLY bad with not having any control, and we have very little trust in our social worker), but the only thing we do have control over is to carry on with this, and that we will end up with our little ones.
Linkmaker has been our saviour - we can express interest in kids and other family finders can see our profiles too - i much prefer it to relying on the SW. Me and the family finder have been organising pretty much all of it, our sw was just informed n she made herself available for the meeting with the family finder, and she will come to us to the life appreciation day too (which we were recently invited to - very excited!). Linkmaker helped as well for us as we could see that SO many kids were up for adoption, it made a match seem more in reach.
I hate the being in limbo part, DLouise, and our SW has been so lapsadaisy with updating us (to the point where i have left work early to be able to contact some other kid's social worker myself to hear about the outcome of a meeting, as ours didnt have a clue n completely forgot). I think they really forget what it is like for prospective adopters, and that we arent just numbers on their books and names on a computer file, but real people with real feelings going through one of the biggest things you could possible go through.
Serenity - we went to such an evening as well where they put up profiles on boards. I felt like i was at a market. But then linkmaker does feel a bit like that too - looking at profiles n 'picking' some.

Best of luck to everyone and keep us posted!

OP posts:
DLouise2004 · 22/03/2019 00:10

So we had positive news today that they feel all for our sibling group will go through to placement order and we felt good for a while but.... we then got sent what the process would be and is looking like if all went as they expect that we would take home the little ones and of June. That feels soooooo long away. It really upset me as I just feel like I am ready to be put little family and the little ones will be 3 months older but have been told there is no flex on this. I know time will go quickly but I just feel so upset that things will take this long for us x

topcat2014 · 22/03/2019 18:33

I try not to look too far ahead. Our SW works 2.5 days per week, (and is our 6th), so perfectly pleasant, but we don't have a huge 'history'.

I have a feeling that our current 'interest' is not going to fly now - despite us being approached on linkmaker.

What will be will be - and I remember our very first SW saying "do not put your life on hold". I keep repeating that to ourselves.

Serenity45 · 22/03/2019 22:34

Sorry to hear this DLouise. I know it doesn't help,but we're nearly in April already. The lack of any kind of control over the process (as kckalli points out) makes it so bloody hard! We've still not got a panel date or date to meet foster carers so literally no clue. We did get some new photos and most recent foster carers report this week which was lovely though.

Feel like shouting "just give us the kids!!" though Topcat we are trying to take your approach which is definitely the way to go.

DLouise2004 · 22/03/2019 23:06

I think you are both right - you cant put your life on hold. So today I had a bit of a cry which I think I needed and then I pulled myself together and decided I was going to be positive and try and make this time go faster. Thinking about what we can plan and also started to look at what we can bit for the nursery as there is no reason that we cant start buying things that could be applicable to any child like cot bed etc. Have guys started buying anything? Also think I am going to start easing more on general baby care and therapeutic parenting. Would love to book a hol but if my husband takes hol before we have LO then it means limited time with them once they here so is difficult - maybe a nice long weekend will be nice.
@topcat2014 - why do you think that the link may not fly? X

Serenity45 · 23/03/2019 17:29

A good cry can work wonders! We haven't bought anything big like furniture yet. Have the childproofing things for cupboards and drawers ready to go and we've got sets of Julia Donaldson, Roald Dahl and Dr Suess books (figured can't go wrong with these!).

Also have A LOT of family friends colleagues friends of friends etc,etc saving us,stuff Grin. My husband's best mate is very wealthy (ex premiership footballer) and has also got a garage full for us. Obviously want to get some things new but very happy to have decent second-hand. And actually lovely that so many people -think we're mad- want to help Smile

DLouise2004 · 23/03/2019 18:09

Absolutely - it's all about second hand stuff! Our friends and relatives are being super generous too. I bet the footballer has some lovely stuff! 🙂

Serenity45 · 23/03/2019 21:13

He does haha! I'm glad we're not the only ones not buying everything new I'm having a year off so it all helps. Glad you have stuff on tap too I've been genuinely surprised and touched at random people being lovelu (my HR director who I barely know has saved me a bag of clothes) Some good people out there.

But...not going to lie we keep seeing SUCH CUTE stuff! Had to stop husband buying a Star Wars beset last week haha

Serenity45 · 23/03/2019 21:14

*beset ffs!

Serenity45 · 23/03/2019 21:15

Gaaaah *bedset

Sorry new tablet driving me mad

DLouise2004 · 24/03/2019 09:00

Ha ha! Yeah I know what you mean - it can be hard to restrain myself from buying things- I reckon once we have the PO I may end up going shopping crazy!

DLouise2004 · 25/03/2019 21:16

My motivation for work has taken a nose dive!

Serenity45 · 25/03/2019 22:16

Sooo kind of half an update (also struggling to focus at work!m today!). Still no panel date but they've asked if we can meet children (informal play date) and foster carers next week !! Asked if we could do tomorrow originally, in an email sent to us this afternoon. I bloody wish they'd remember that we both work full time Angry Our employers have both been great but we can't just skip out at a day's notice...

topcat2014 · 26/03/2019 20:38

Just heard that the child's SW is meeting the 'other' family in respect of what I thought could be a match for us.

Of course it is "finding families for children" rather than the other way round - but it is still a little bit of an upset :(

Serenity45 · 26/03/2019 20:57

Oh Topcat I'm sorry that's rubbish for you! Even though we know intellectually it happens all the time it doesn't take away the horrible anxious feelings this situation brings to the fore. We kind of need to emotionally invest in these children while simultaneously realising they may not be 'ours'.

Really hoping you're the best match please keep us posted if you're up to it.

DLouise2004 · 26/03/2019 21:00

Great news @Serenity45 - that's great they letting you meet them before matching

@topcat2014 that must be tough - have you met the social worker also?

Quick update from me - we spoke to our sw yesterday and they trying to get a meeting in with the lo's sw next Friday for us. No guarantees but hoping that goes ahead so we can find out more. Then it will be an agonising 4 week wait until we hear about PO. Trying to put things in diary to keep myself busy! X

topcat2014 · 26/03/2019 21:35

The thing is you do 'invest' don't you? I have in my mind a conversation in 10 years with my child, who asks 'how did you pick me', and I want the reason to be a little more than "we chose 5 blond haired 4 year olds, and your social worker was the only one that replied"..

My work colleague assumed that you just got 'allocated' the next available child once you got approved - and I must say that has a certain charm to it..

I really need to do something else this evening apart from Linkmaker!

topcat2014 · 26/03/2019 21:37

@DLouise2004 - no, we didn't get as far as meeting the SW.

DLouise2004 · 26/03/2019 22:06

I hear you @topcat2014 - I definitely see the charm in being allocated a child! I was discussing with someone on a similar journey about how you know which one is the one but I think that's a hard concept to fathom when half the children we expressed an interest in that we thought might be the one we weren't in replied to!

Dont hold out hope though - the family they were visiting may not be right for the lo and you are a better fit.

I just want to fast forward a month - I feel so much anxiety right now x

Serenity45 · 27/03/2019 17:11

The feeling of wanting to fast forward is not unusual! Radio silence from children's SW about the proposed dates/times we are available to meet 'our' little ones and no panel date yet either.

So though in theory we should feel a bit more 'secure' than you lovely pps on this thread, we really don't! Totally anxious that they are going to be snatched away under our noses. Not even shared pics with family yet 'just in case'. Nervous tummy ache but we've also been comfort eating so I may as well have been bloody pregnant Blush

topcat2014 · 27/03/2019 19:03

@serenity45 - I have given up (for lent) Chocolate, Crisps, Cake Biscuits, sweets and alcohol - but this is testing times.

Haven't given in yet :)

Serenity45 · 27/03/2019 19:33

That's LOADS to give up!! And I'm a lapsed Catholic haha. Wow well done though and guess it's giving you something else to focus on Smile

DLouise2004 · 27/03/2019 20:55

That is so much to give up @topcat2014!

So @serenity45 have you been formally matched? Have they not given any indication on timings?

Serenity45 · 27/03/2019 21:50

Hey DLouise-no indication at all on timings. And I'm going to sound a bit dim but by formally do you mean something in writing? Have emails from children's SW discussing meeting them and FCS as well as nursery key worker etc