endless waiting

[kckalli]

Hi all

Newbie here :-) We were approved for adoption a few months ago, and we are waiting for a match. Just wondering if there are any mums or mums to be on here going through the same thing / have somehow survived this stage without losing their sanity (too much)?
We have been given some profiles and expressed our interest but no match yet. We are awaiting our SW feedback from a meeting taking place next week about some other little ones who are up for adoption, but we are up against their foster carers and another prospective adopter. I'm struggling to think about / focus on anything else.

No advice really to give other than I found the whole process to become approved a test in how long can you wait. I found the same true of being matched and then now we have applied for the adoption order, it’s the same thing!

Adoption is a waiting game. It could be super quick but let’s face it, more likely it is going to take aggggges!

Just wanted to say good luck. Do the things you won’t be able to do later on!!!!

Yes the eternal waiting game. I filled the time by reading anything I could get my hands on about adoption, there were also quite a few adoption uk events we went to, one support group was particularly good.

I also spent a good lot of time looking at stuff for LO (even before matches) because a girl's got to dream and it helped check out where I could get stuff quickly. Most cots for example take a while to be delivered because who wouldn't know they were gonna have a baby 9 months in advance!

Thanks all :-) some days i can keep it together but other days it just feels like it's never gonna happen. I honestly started thinking that this part is just another test to pass - a secret one nobody tells you about

We were approved in November, and just got links to websites a couple of weeks ago. For me the whole of the process so far (over a year) has consisted of waiting. The other stuff (training, meetings) could probably be fitted into a fortnight.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I try not to worry too much about people who seem to have gone from attending an open evening to new arrival moving in in 6 months - although of course good luck to them :)

We waited four years for a match. It nearly destroyed us. The matching system is so flawed.

Sending good wishes to you all, keep on keeping on!

Like ChoccyJules - back in the "olden days" my process lasted 3 years (you beat me Jules!)

But yes it did drive me a little insane at times. It's like labour though you very quickly forget.

Absoultely no consolation to you now though - sorry!

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger or you're too deranged to care by that point.

Someone once asked me what kind of child I was hoping to be matched with after about 2.5 years and I remember saying "Frankly I think I'd take a baby pony at this point" - not being an adopter they had no idea how to react.

@Kewcumber that just made me laugh out loud!

Really feel for you all, very difficult , as FC for over 40yrs , looking after baby's who are placed in permanency be it adoption, family, long-term care . These days quite a lot of children unfortunately are in need for a period of recruprecration . Have spent many weeks alongside baby's in NICU who are very poorly . , then many month's in recovery at home be fore are well enough too be placed, fortunately all have been placed with 100% success. Just a little upsetting these days of post natal problems. Most are placed around 12 months of age. Some have been linked as much as 7 times afore permanency.

Thank you all for your comments, it does help to know others are in this boat too. Kewcumber - i did laugh out loud as well at your comments!

Not sure how Olden Days we were, started process 2013 just after the Govt changed everything to ‚speed it up’ ....DD arrived here 2017.

It varies so much doesn’t it, it does seem to be quicker these days now they’ve changed their procedures. We were approved in September and have just had a match the last few weeks. The group we went on our course with varied with matching some were matched before Christmas but had to wait for that period to be over and some are still waiting. I’d agree with the comments above, distract yourself by reading about attachment etc, watch you tube for good tips/advice and maybe research buggies, car seats and things like that to pass the time. Good luck and hope you get your match soon 🍀

For us, it took 13 months from initial application to placement. We thought that was fast but everyone else we know has completed things in less than a year.
Good luck!

Hi,

We started the process (initial home visit) in April 2017, approved at panel last June. Still waiting on a match as we have had a few fall through (mainly due to legal issues, court delays etc). We feel that we have had to really dig deep at times to hang in there! We did everything as it was asked of us quickly, we are SUPER organised and our SW has acknowledged that our experience in terms of timescales has been pretty bad (they lost references twice for one of our referees).

That being said, we haven't put or lives on hold (or tried not to!). We've read loads, taken some trips and done some work to our house. I actually find it much harder to manage the expectations of our families, if I'm honest. Both sides are lovely and really supportive and excited for us... but if I hear once more how 'terrible' it is that we are waiting etc etc and righteous indignation about it all on our behalf then I might deck someone. I haven't got the emotional space to deal with all of THEIR emotions as well as ours!

But we'll get there and so will you. Then we'll be knackered and skint and wondering what the feck we've done

Thank you for all your lovely responses, so nice to know we arent alone in this. Not that i thought we would be, but nice to read your responses.
We are currently trying to organise a visit from a child's social worker!! Hopefully this week :-) for a 3yo boy and 1yo girl. Fingers crossed!

We had the same issue Serenity with references going missing - we were half way through the process when adoption agencies teamed up which delayed things. And same here with the well meant empathy - I have colleagues lining up to write complaint letters and my manager wants to send in some people of our looked after children's team to go 'sort them out' (i work in CAMHS). I can't show my face anywhere without expecting glances and raised eyebrows n grins. All well meant and greatly appreciated but sometimes a bit much.

But like you said we will all get there (and wish we had treasured these times a bit more where we don't step on Lego, clean up the umpteenth dubious stains and wish we could sleep for longer than half an hour...)

Good to read your update op keeping everything crossed for you! Must be something in the water as we had a meeting about siblings (boys aged 1 and 2) last week . Positive feedback from SW and they aren't considering any other couples so trying (REALLY badly) not to get excited.

And not feeling quite so mean about finding other people's emotions draining so thank you!

All the best with it let's hope we both have good news very soon

Thank you Serenity :-)

The children's social worker and family finder liked us, and although they couldnt say much before talking to their managers, they said they really like us and want to communicate that to their managers and will make a list of our strengths. They feel that we could meet the little one's needs - Very excited :-)

Hi guys I wondered how you were all getting on. I am feeling quite down today about all of the waiting and if am honest an struggling a little bit. I am really trying to stay positive but it's hard! We were approved in December and have been approached by our sw about a sibling group that dint yet have a placement order. We are waiting to hear about the outcome of a court case that was recently and its agonising not knowing what is going on. We have been told if court case still rules adoption then placement order hearing will be may. It just all feels so long and so much uncertainty. Trust us to find a complex, long winded group! We have a great feeling about them but how do you keep yourself sane while waiting? I have a fear that ws get to may and then something goes wrong and we have waited all that time x

We've been there twice with sibling groups when one or both had no placement order. In our cases birth families were given another chance to prove they could meet the children's needs. While we knew this was a very real possibility it's so hard to move onto emotionally!

With our recent match both children already have POs which has given us a little more reassurance. Sadly, POs have also since been made for another sibling group we considered last year so clearly birth family were unable to step up. We are committed to our current match - no matching panel date but hopefully will have one soon - thank you for asking . But not nice for the other children who are now 8 months older and still in foster care .

I absolutely get where you are coming from DLouise sending hugs

Thanks Serenity45. It is such a shame isn't it that these children are in foster care so long. Really hoping I get a call today to understand where things are going and if they feel placement order is inevitable. I nust feel we have waited so long to be parents that this feels a little agonising. I know it is about what is best for the children but it is hard when everyone we have made friends with in training has now been placed x

We might be a little closer to a match now, but looks like another family is also interested.

We went to two activity days and expressed interest in children we met, but no one was interested in us :(

Emotional roller coaster doesn't come close. I have now decided that I am only considering one child at a time - even though that could slow things down.

I want to have a nice story to tell in future years, that doesn't make this bit look a bit too scatter gun..

I agree @topcat2014. We actually spoke to social worker about fact we had expressed interest in so many and then got in a pickle as social workers then wanted details so we have decided to focus on this one sibling group. She did make a point that resonated with us that you don't want any child to feel like they were second best - for us that really hit home so we trying to concentrate on where we are now and if that doesn't work will start again x

We made the decision quite early on to just focus on one possible group/match at a time as we felt it would work best for us. My husband has Aspergers and while he manages this amazingly well, the process is stressful enough! Topcat - emotional rollercoaster and then being dangled upside down over a firepit!

We are very lucky that we've built a really strong and trusting relationship with our SW - she's fab. We haven't even gone on LinkMaker (or whatever the online tool is called) as after talking it through with her we were worried that we would become a bit fixated with checking it every day and downhearted if we didn't get 'chosen'. So we have put complete trust in her to find our children. I absolutely appreciate that this wouldn't work for lots of people for various reasons, but even though it has probably made the process longer, I don't think I would change things.

We did go to an open evening type event at local social services not long after we had been approved last year. They had SWs available and a lot of display boards with pictures and profiles of the children with POs in our region who hadn't yet been matched. I'm pretty resilient emotionally (I actually give emotional support to vulnerable people as part of my job), but I found it incredibly uncomfortable and we didn't stay very long at all. I do know people who found their match in different ways but this just didn't feel right for us.

I think our conversation on this thread is a real reflection of the journey we go on as adopters (sorry I know that sounds MASSIVELY pretentious). We learn so much about ourselves and change our minds about what we think we would / wouldn't do as we go along. I really think that part of the training should be focused on emtional resilience as it would stand adopters in good stead both for the adoption process itself and their role as parents.

Here's hoping we are all sharing happy news very soon!

I agree Serenity45 - I think throughout the approval process we are told how mu hard work it is and it might feel stressful but for me matching has been by far the most stressful. We are just constantly in limbo and waiting. I am feeling a bit let down today (its not helping that i am hormonal!!) But we still haven't heard what happened at the court case on Monday. I just wish sometimes the social worker might think of us and give us a quick update x

The thing is, too, is that this is the part of the process we cannot control.

Everything up to matching is just courses, appointments and forms. Yes, it is hassly, but we control that bit.

We don't control the matching.

I guess the training doesn't really talk much about matching, or makes it seem quite simple, because there is such a variety of outcomes.