Changing first name

[mollymollymoo]

Hi
It's looking really likely that we've been matched with a little girl - very excited! However - her current name is so identifying and ridiculous that even our social worker has said they can work with us to change it.
She'll be nearly 2 when she comes home.

Does anyone have any experience of this, the practicalities etc?

This is our 2nd adoption and we would have been more than happy to keep her name otherwise.. but really it is awful and not fair on her to have to grow up with it!!

Offredalba are you in the USA? The first link is from the USA where there seems to be a very different culture around adoption.

That second article, I'm afraid, was not really very interesting.

Anyway, I will not direct the rest of this at anyone at all, I just strongly feel that second article

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/jul/08/whats-in-a-name-adopted-children

presents a picture of adoption that I do not recognize at all.

This phrase turned me right off....

"For prospective parents, some aspects of the adoption process share an unhappily common aesthetic with brochure shopping: snap judgments are made based on a picture and a little bit of information.

As it is hard to face the consequences of sending a child back for one that is a better fit, names become a key factor, alongside facial expression, haircut, clothes, and whether they look like a little scamp or a scary monster."

We did not see a picture of our child until we had already pretty much decided to go ahead. We had a lot of information and certainly did not make a snap decision.

and

"It's a queasy process all round, and one prospective adopters just have to wade through, not thinking too hard about it. They look at photographs, read profiles, wait until a face starts to sing out, and make the appropriate inquiries."

Well, "not thinking too hard about it", this person seems to have no grasp about what adoption is all about at all. I cant imagine this process just going past an adopter as they don't think about it!

If anyone is working in adoption I really hope they do not view prospective adopters as shoppers flicking through catologues and not thinking!

"This is the point at which making judgments about children from a first name alone becomes troubling." Has anyone encountered these people who say I'd adopt that child but not with that name? If so, very sad.

"Some prospective adopters have a tough time accepting that there is still a birth family out there, and that the story of birth mum and (where possible) birth dad should be passed along in parallel with the history of their own grandparents, uncles and nieces. And as these stories often contain unpleasant details, requiring careful handling, it is easier to try to wipe the slate clean. Can't we just give the children new names?"

My son's early experiences are certainly difficult to think about, and he had a 'relatively' easy start in adoption terms. But of course I want him to understand his story in a way that he can manage.

Changing my sons surname to our family name was not an attempt to wipe the slate clean, nor, even had I wished to do so, would it.

He came with memories, thoughts, experiences, we all know that. For me changing his first name would only have been if there were safety reasons and I had relatively convincing evidence this was not the case.

Anyway, at the end of the day, as I said before, adoptive parents are there to pick up the pieces of their own mistakes/wrong behaviour and the mistakes and wrong behaviour of birth parents and of social services and of the sheer sadness of a child not being able to grow up alongside and in the care of both their birth parents. None of which is their fault or the fault of the adoptive parents.

Compared to that massive weight I think the weight of a name, which can be changed legally at 18 by anyone, seems to be over played. If anything I think the name is a symbol for all that. So if my son chooses to re-instate his birth surname or lose his additional middle name at age 18 I will not be sad. I will be happy to accept him called whatever he wants to call himself.

Phew, sorry, rant over. Love and peace.

I am an adoptee. This happened many decades ago; I was a 'relinquished' baby, born to a young woman who was unable to being me up. My name was changed completely - of course I was not aware of this, being a tiny baby. It never occurred to me that I might have a different birth name. In those days, the birth families were never talked about. They really were brushed out of the picture. It was only when I became a parent myself that I decided to trace my birth family and found my birth name. I'm so relieved my name was changed- I didn't like my birth name at all. My name now is who I am. It is my identity that links me to my family who brought me up and loved me so much. I know that things are different these days when children are adopted because their birth families can't look after them properly. I know something if this side of things too, as I have an adopted grandchild. LO's first name has been kept, middle name changed and surname same as adoptive parents. I can see that some people get very upset about the issues and I understand. BUT we are all different and at the end of the day, a good home and loving parents and wider family, a good supportive environment in which to deal with whatever.. surely that's the most important thing of all.

Italian, I think that you are misreading what I said.
"I can also see how name changing contributes to long term feelings of shame and fear of rejection for SOME PEOPLE" i.e. clearly it is not always the case.
I'm not in the USA, I just selected an adoptee blog that I have always found respectful and fair to all parties. Amanda is well educated and informed and her blogs relate to the experience of a good adoption, so I felt that it was accessible and less likely to distress anyone. Believe me that it would have been very easy to find an angry, UK based blog. If you read through the second post, you will see that the writer belongs to an adoption panel in the UK.
I think that we all benefit by listening to a broad range of adoption voices to help us to make sense of our own experiences. If we can take the time to listen kindly to the perspectives of others and form reasoned judgements appropriate to our own families, then surely we will all come to better outcomes for ourselves and our loved ones.
We dont always have to agree in order to support each other.

MrsMatty thanks for sharing your experiences and good luck your child as their raise their daughter.

italian In the nicest possible way I do think you are being a bit argumentative about this. I posted advice from psychologists about names, which is similar to what offred said. The law takes a similar stance. No one has said "everyone will feel x y or z" more that "some might" having listened to some adoptees, and that names are serious business and the impact of changing/not changing needs to be carefully considered. Do you really not agree with that? If you do agree, why are you arguing and saying it is simplistic?

To be fair, your advice to adopters appears to be "do what you want" without caveats, or any sources backing up your advice or opinion.

Your response to what I wrote about children who are removed was pretty difficult to follow - I wrote about helping children with feelings (and i didn't mention loyalty) and you somehow turn this into not keeping children safe from dangerous situations?

So, if you'd like love and peace, calm down!

@brightsunshineatlast
What is your experience/interest in adoption?
Is there a reason why you keep avoiding this question?

dontbuy I am sorry if this is a really stupid question, but why do you want to know so badly?

Adopters, adoptees, bio parents come in all shapes and sizes and all have different views, knowing where i come from isn't going to make any of my posts more or less credible.

I’m curious as to why you keep avoiding the question. Three different posters have asked this so I’m not the only one. Knowing your experience, whether personal, professional or academic DOES lend some credibility to people’s views. I say this as an academic with an interest in adoption, as well as being an adoptive parent. If you’re on this board a lot, you will notice that people are always honest about their interest, including those who don’t really know about adoption but have just stumbled on a thread via ‘active conversations’. If you don’t want to give the answer, that’s your prerogative. However, it’s not surprising people may wonder what your motivation is for posting, and the extent to which your views are grounded in experience or research, or are just idle musings.

Italian - thank you for the flowers :-)) it was difficult to see it written down here.

Yes, it was very hard to hear her say this in such a matter-of-fact way. But it was good that she could say it, and not internalise it all.

Thank you for the kindness.

"I can also see how name changing contributes to long term feelings of shame and fear of rejection for SOME PEOPLE" i.e. clearly it is not always the case." Offredalba

Ah, OK, I did not see the some people there, my apologies.

"I think that we all benefit by listening to a broad range of adoption voices to help us to make sense of our own experiences. If we can take the time to listen kindly to the perspectives of others and form reasoned judgements appropriate to our own families, then surely we will all come to better outcomes for ourselves and our loved ones.
We dont always have to agree in order to support each other."

Yes, I agree with that.

brightsunshineatlast "italian In the nicest possible way I do think you are being a bit argumentative about this." Interesting, you seem to be too. But maybe you are right and I am, my apologies. This topic often annoys me a lot so maybe I am argumentative!

"... names are serious business and the impact of changing/not changing needs to be carefully considered." Clearly I believe that or I would not have kept my son's first name and a middle name, which I was very clear about.

"If you do agree, why are you arguing and saying it is simplistic? "

Because I do not think most adopters change names lightly, not these days. There is huge pressure not to. The article that was linked to earlier was from 2013 and the person was an adult so born at least 18 years earlier, maybe much earlier. Nowadays there is (in the UK) big pressure on adopters to keep a name, which I feel is sometimes wrongly placed on adopters.

"To be fair, your advice to adopters appears to be "do what you want" without caveats, or any sources backing up your advice or opinion."

Clearly you have not read what I said. I said that I believe adopters should do what is best for the child but I admit we do not always know what is best for a child. You clearly have not actually read what I said.

" I wrote about helping children with feelings (and i didn't mention loyalty) and you somehow turn this into not keeping children safe from dangerous situations?"

That is what name changing is sometimes about though isn't it, not making children identifiable.

"So, if you'd like love and peace, calm down!"

Hhmm, was that a joke?

I think sometimes the professionals get it wrong. If my son uses his birth name on social media, he could be contacted by birth family. That is an issue that was not around 20 years ago when many social workers were doing their training. I chose to keep it because I felt it would be best for him. But I do wonder if it will.

dontbuy onlyoranges asked initially, and I sent her a PM because I could understand why she wanted to know. I have been posting on this forum for a while and no one has asked before.

This is a public forum and for many people there are security issues so I don't think you should read too much into it if people don't provide details. Many people change aspects of their details for security on this forum.

If me not providing personal details means you want to disregard my posts or consider them idle musings, then that is your choice and absolutely fine by me. I think it is more helpful to discuss what has actually been written rather than credentials, online and in real life, but if you disagree that is not a problem.

My sincere apologies if I have got heated. This is one of the topics that gets me heated! But I do not intend to offend anyone!

So, if you'd like love and peace, calm down! sorry, I think I wrote calm down because I have spent most of the day telling children to calm down... along the same lines I end up saying "yes darling" to total strangers in inappropriate situations... apologies.

italian Sorry, I meant to clarify also that in my long post about removed children I was responding to the penultimate paragraph of the post I was referring to, which was to do with children's feelings in certain situations, I wasn't commenting on whether names should be changed. That part of the post was just to do with talking to children about feelings.

No-one is asking for personal details. It’s hardly outing to say ‘I’m an adopter’, or ‘I’m a social worker.
You clearly don’t want to answer the question, I won’t ask again.

I think it is really helpful that there are many different opinions on this post, it's certainly given me food for thought, especially because they have come from so many angles (bio parents, adoptees and adopters), that is what I really value from this board. And although we have different viewpoints, ultimately, we are all on the same team...we are all are trying to do our best in often less than ideal circumstances, I admire you all for your strong views and thoughtful expression, it really goes to show that none of us take adoption lightly.

brightsunshineatlast "I think I wrote calm down because I have spent most of the day telling children to calm down... along the same lines I end up saying "yes darling" to total strangers in inappropriate situations... apologies."

That's OK I am a very sensitive soul!

"That part of the post was just to do with talking to children about feelings." Yes, I am all for that, I am sorry if that did not come across.

I always used to say to my son that it did not matter that he didn't grow in my tummy. Because it doesn't matter to me. But then it became obvious it did matter to him. So I've now tried to find ways to talk about him in relation to me that doesn't assume I know how he will feel but does assure him of how I feel.

Well said everyone. There is so much hurt that goes with adoption and we all come here because we are passionate about making things better for children, and for some of us, to do some healing ourselves.
Its not easy to see each other points of view sometimes, and it's no wonder that we can all get a bit excited.
Incidentally, I don't mean to be secretive about my story, but I don't feel that it's all mine to tell so publicly. It belongs to my firstborn who had no say in any of it.

I think one feature is that in the past names may have been changed for the wrong reasons and now may be kept for the wrong reasons.

At least here we can talk about it, when we adopted (over 4 years ago) there was really no space to officially discuss this.

Italian I think that the position re social media is that names are changed if there is actual known risk of danger, as far as the courts are concerned and that this has always been the case? I am not sure the courts would agree to a change of name to prevent other circumstances of children being found online?

I’m curious about the court situation. When we filed our adoption order, we were simply asked to state the name DS was to be known by - no reason is required. We didn’t change his name, but we have friends who filled in their paperwork at the same time, and they gave their child a completely different first name, as well as their own surname. There were no issues around safety/privacy here, it was just their preference (please don’t jump on here, it wasn’t me or my child!). Their paperwork was obviously the same as ours, so they also didn’t need to give any kind of reason for that choice. Supporting documentation from social workers wouldn’t have highlighted any issues relating to the need for a name change. On this basis, I’m not even sure if it’s discussed in court. Does anyone know more about this?