Changing first name

[mollymollymoo]

Hi
It's looking really likely that we've been matched with a little girl - very excited! However - her current name is so identifying and ridiculous that even our social worker has said they can work with us to change it.
She'll be nearly 2 when she comes home.

Does anyone have any experience of this, the practicalities etc?

This is our 2nd adoption and we would have been more than happy to keep her name otherwise.. but really it is awful and not fair on her to have to grow up with it!!

If your SW thinks its a good idea I'd go with it.

I think most people use the original and new name together initially and gradually drop the old name

Congratulations

Completely agree with Ted. Good idea.

We kept ds's name and I'll never know of I did the right thing.

In the age of social media better a new name that won't attract attention.

We kept ds name. It's unusual but not unique and whilst it wouldn't have been what we chose, it suits him and he loves it. He was nearly 4 though so I think that makes a difference. .

We also have slightly unusual names (not popular for our age/very unusual together if you were to search ) so the combination seems too risky.

Honestly, you wouldn't give this gorgeous girls name to a doll or dog!!

We very slightly changed DS's name on the adoption cert, but we kept calling him by the old name until he wanted to change.

There are some names that are very unusual and it might be a good idea to change, especially if your social worker thinks it's a good idea. Is there anything that you like that would be close to the sound of the original name, especially the first syllable? For instance changing Chardonnay to Charlotte.

Just be aware that panel and agency decision makers may not be happy with the socials workers suggestion of changing names- they feel it impacts their identity. It's the challenge we are going through at the moment. X

Don't tell panel or the ADM. What you call them at home stays at home 😉

Yes totally agree don't mention to panel or ADM unless directly asked & in that case say the SW advised you change it. You don't fill out the paper work detailing the name change for months after they've been with you so it's irrelevant to them really.

We kept our names but SIL changed her ADs name as it was so unusual & therefore identifying. They kept first syllable of name & changed rest e.g. Emarlia they changed to Emily & just always called her Em from when they met her.

Congratulations btw! X

Do her present carers call her by her name? At 2 she is going to very much identify with the name she is being called daily (as opposed to what is on her birth certificate), I am afraid. Have you considered that? It is possible her present carers use a nickname or shortened version?

We've thought of a name that has the same number of syllables and same sound at the end so hopefully acceptable. Meeting child's sw on Tuesday so will test the waters.

Thank you all for your replies

We adopted our DD at age 2.5 from Russia. We kept her name but we don't speak Russian so as well as all the other changes she experienced she had to learn a new language as well.
Anyway. She coped very well. A 2 year old will adapt very well to a new name and will probably have no memory of their first name so go ahead and change it. Perhaps try and pick something similar.

mollymollymoo other posters are right. This is a tricky topic. Social workers mildly pressurized us to keep ds's middle name despite ds not even liking or acknowledging he even had a middle name!

I'm not sorry we kept it but as far as a first name goes it can be a bigger issue when they are older and using social media.

We didn't particularly like our DC1's name, and with DC2's name in the same sentence, it's probably identifying. But the name grew on us, we are way out of area, he is 3 years, it is also a strong part of his identity, and so we will keep it. Panel did ask this question and we gave an honest answer, which really did go in our favour. We also said though that we would give them both strong middle names upon AO, so if they choose, they could use them, SM may shake the ship later on though. DC2 is 2.5 and very attached to her name, changing that would be a bridge too far.

I am adopted and a social worker. My name was changed and it resulted in me feeling like I am two different people. There was a tapestry made and hung at an adoption service in a cathedral entitled the people we could have been on this very topic. People’s birth names v the names they were given when we didn’t understand the emotional impact upon people of doing this. I would read around identify issues before you make a final decision. I am in touch with my birth family and they call me by my birth name which reinforces the feelings around two identities. Adopted children grow into adults and that’s when these issues can really affect people.

The reasons for name changing, as you know, are very complex. You don't need to answer this but I wonder onlyoranges if you like your birth family using the name they chose? Did they give you any choice in the matter?

Most adopters are encouraged to keep the birth name so it's relatively rare, in my experience, for names to be changed now - unless there coukd be a safety issue.

I'm really sorry you feel like two people, I do think adoption brings many possible issues with it.

I love the idea of a tapestry to show how things might be different had family life been different.

Onlyoranges - I hope you don't mind me asking but how old were you when your name was changed? Do you remember being called your birth name? (Social workers have recommended I change my little girls name)

Hi no I don’t mind answer at all. No I don’t really like it, well it just feels odd really/uncomfortable and reinforces the feelings of identity confusion. It’s almost like they are trying to hold onto someone who doesn’t exist but does to them.

I was 18 months when I was adopted. As I mentioned I am a social worker and I have in the past worked for the adoption team. People do recommend things but they don’t have to live with the consequences or often fully understand the long reaching impact and I found a lot of social workers I worked with didn’t really understand how it feels to be adopted. They see the child in front of them not the adult they will become. I am by no means saying to change or not rather just offering a different perspective as a person with a live experience of a name change, as it’s much less common now than it was when I was adopted when it was part or the ‘reinvention’ of the child with their new identity. Each situation is so different, each persons of experience so different. So many complex factors at play and it’s clear you have thought about this very seriously.

@onlyoranges

"No I don’t really like it, well it just feels odd really/uncomfortable and reinforces the feelings of identity confusion. It’s almost like they are trying to hold onto someone who doesn’t exist but does to them."

I am sorry they are doing this. It is so unfair. I don't know the circumstances of yoru adoption but I guess either you were relinquished or your birth parents had you taken away from them. Either way this is not at all in any way your fault or issue, as you know, so they should respect your journey and call you by the name you want to be called by. I think for your own health you should maybe say this to them. Or are you worried it may end contact?

I think it really is complex and these days it is quite rare, the only reason I would say that makes real sense is where there are safety or identification issues.

My son has his birth first name and middle name, a relative's name and our surname. He does identify with his birth surname. But if I were to use that it would, I think, 'out' him as adopted which could also have far reaching affects.

I really wish you all the best.

Our DD also had a horrible and unusual name and SWs advised us to change it for security reasons.

I really wanted to too, but had some reservations, along the lines that onlyoranges outlines below.

However, when we went to matching panel, an adult adoptee panel member was hugely in support of the name change, which really surprised me. She said it was our job as parents to help this little girl thrive, and it was going to be harder for her to do that with a horrible (and unsafe) name.

DH is adopted and was given a different name, he is perfectly fine with it. He has his adoption certificate so knows the score and it's never been an issue. He sees it as fair enough that his new parents wanted to give him a name that they liked.
Some people might get hung up on these things but as long as you are honest with your child, it doesn't have to be a big deal.

Whilst changing names has become quite rare, I wonder if it will become more common again as we see the consequences of social media's impact on adoptees safety and privacy over the next decade or so. I think it's such a game changer and SW advice hasn't necessarily caught up with this yet.

Rainatnight that's exactly how we feel. The name she currently has is so ridiculous and would make her life so difficult.

onlyoranges actually with us it's the other way around.. as a child she could probably (just about) be ok with it, but anything older than Primary and it would be horrendous and especially so as an adult.

It's so cutesy that it's crazily growing on us, and could well be used as a NN but with a changed official name to allow her options as she grows up.

AAGGHH this adoption lark is such a minefield! It's almost worse second time because now we know what we dont know!!

We changed our daughter's name for safety reasons at the recommendation of all sw involved. She loved her new name from the word go and (so far) has never looked back. She was 5 at the time.

The fc started using a nickname relating to both names and by now most people call her by that nickname. Mostly she introduces herself with her new first name though.

Italian thanks for your kind words. No I’m not worried they will end our relationship. We’ve been in each other’s lives for 30 years now. As with all adoptions they have their own demons and I accept them for who they are with all their flaws. They knew me as that person.

As a social worker I have come across names that should not be given to children eg cartoon characters and I can see that living with a name like that would be intolerable. The only reason I commented on the thread was to try and give a perspective of an adult (and only mine others will be different) at the impact that it has had upon me and I never told my adoptive parents how I felt as I would not have wanted to upset them. They just did what the social workers told them at the time and thought that was for the best.

EightWellies totally agree about social media.

onlyoranges I think you must bring a lot of wisdom to your role as a social worker.

Its such a complex issue. My son's name is very identifiable, particularly when attached to my surname.

He is dual heritage and has, in English terms, an unusual name. But it is a proper name. Because he was 7 and his ethnicity , there was no question of changing it, but I like it and it has a wonderful meaning. We even kept his birth surname and just added my name on the end.

So he has African first name, English middle name, birth surname and English surname.

Which is a lot. Informally we have dropped his birth surname - he has been very angry with birth dad. I've told him he can change it legally when he is 18 if he still wants to.
He goes through phases of hating his first name, and wants to be called Geoff - Ive vetoed this on the grounds that he coudnt look less like a 55 year old golfer if he tried 🤔