Changing first name

[mollymollymoo]

Hi
It's looking really likely that we've been matched with a little girl - very excited! However - her current name is so identifying and ridiculous that even our social worker has said they can work with us to change it.
She'll be nearly 2 when she comes home.

Does anyone have any experience of this, the practicalities etc?

This is our 2nd adoption and we would have been more than happy to keep her name otherwise.. but really it is awful and not fair on her to have to grow up with it!!

@orlaith in terms of the "science" about names being caught up with identity, below is advice from a couple of psychologists and then a study about names and identity:

• Oliver James, clinical psychologist, believes that the impact is tied to the development of the child's speech and says "A six-month-old couldn't care less what you call it, but from the age of 18 months most children have two-word utterances. So from the age of about two onwards, if the name change wasn't something that came from the child itself, it might be highly puzzling for the child involved. You have to ask yourself how you would feel if someone arbitrarily and unilaterally changed your name?"

• Dr Karla Umpierre, a psychologist at the Miami Institute and states: "By the age of two or three, children do have a sense of identity and a name change could send mixed messages," she says. "The child might ask himself, 'Do you want to change me?' Stability is very important for children and changing a name could create a lot of insecurity."

• Paper "First Names As Signs Of Personal Identity: An Intercultural Comparison" www.psychologyandsociety.org/__assets/__original/2016/06/1_names.pdf - if this isn't what you were looking for, if you google "names and identity psychology research" you will find a lot out there.

Although Oliver James and others and the law distinguishes changing the names of babies from older children, adoption often adds another dimension. Eg Jan Morris, who runs "gapscotland.org.uk" which is a support group for adopted adults in Scotland said in a newspaper article that names come up a lot and "your identity as an adopted person is something you struggle with anyway. It makes your name even more precious."

It is acknowledged though that not all adoptees feel this way.

Blimey, this has got a bit heated, hasn’t it?!

Dropping in here as an experienced adopter (10 years in) of two non-related siblings, both of whom have complex name issues. And an adult with a four-letter, one-syllable name that even my close extended family spell incorrectly on Christmas and birthday cards!

My eldest adopted daughter’s name was so identifying (probably the only child in the ONS survey to have the name in her birth year) that her social worker insisted I change it. And my youngest child has as her given first name the middle name of her ‘golden child’ half sibling, with whom she does not now live.

To be honest, unless I’m filling in official forms, I rarely refer to either child with their full, legal names as I mainly use a succession of affectionate nicknames.

With my first daughter, I replaced her very identifying first name (as adoptive parents, we should feel allowed not to have to look over our shoulders in fear every time we’re out and about with our children) with her given middle name, but shortened it to something I preferred and then added a middle name of my own choosing.

As regards my second daughter, I have kept her given first name (but intend to change the spelling once she starts school) and expanded on her original middle name to convert it to something that has a link to my family (and it’s not now the name of a person I utterly despised at high school!)

My view (as an experienced adopter with a very happy family) is that we’re not just caretaking our children till they’re 18, and that we are ‘entitled’ to claim some of the happier moments we miss out on (the excitement of flicking through naming books pre-birth). Names are, when all’s said and done, a combination of vowels and syllables.

I know a lot of research refers to historical adoptions, when children were perhaps given up by ‘shamed’ single mothers and given whole new identities and new names but only discovered their past when they reached adulthood.

Contemporary adoptions are much more ‘open’ in the sense that children are aware of their life stories from an early age. And our children are, in the main, removed from birth parents who have harmed or neglected them, (the percentage of so-called relinquished adoptions ie single mums giving up babies is infinitesimally small these days), so why should our children have to have permanent reminders of the birth father who sexually abused them or the birth mother who, say, left them in their cot with no food or nappies while she went on a three-day bender with her new boyfriend?

We’re not insensitive monsters who want to erase our children’s history but we’re people who are giving a hundred per cent to help heal some of society’s most hurting children. Surely we should be allowed to experience some of the excitement and pleasure of becoming parents, no small part of which (judging by the busy-ness of the names boards here and elsewhere) is laying claim to our children by giving them a name of our choice? We can’t pass on our genes, but we can pass on our choice of consonants and vowels.

Excellent post Moominmammaatsea.

Personally, I think the only reason to change a name is if it benefits the child.

Which is the reason I think that is usually the case when names are changed.

Social workers and psychologists won't be around if children or adoptive families have issues with the child being contacted by birth family before they reach adulthood.

Or if a ridiculous name fuels bullying at school. Adoptive parents and the child will deal with fall out from changing or not changing a child's name.

brightsunshineatlast have you said what your interest in this matter is? Where you fit on the adoption 'triangle', it you do.

I have a birth child and adopted child. We kept our son's birth first name.

I feel like it can be no win sometimes. We adopted from abroad and kept our son's name. It is nice but unusual even for his ethnicity and can invite questions eg why did he get this name etc. Fortunately we live in a highly diverse area so there are a lot of non British names. Both of us as APs just felt we couldn't change his name as that was his identity, however I worry that he will want a name that fits in more with his peers at school. One of this areas where we will never know if we did the right thing.

Hi Mamoosh

It’s such a complex area and I personally feel that we’re always on the back foot as adoptive parents as we’re torn between subscribing to the ‘theory’ of adoption, in the main promoted by social workers who live their role between 9 and 5, and then finding the happy medium that works for us as families and individuals.

Maybe just see what your boy wants to do, as/if and when his name becomes an issue (for him).

After all, it’s only a blend of consonants and vowels!

Moominmammaatsea I totally agree, if the name is an issue for him mamoosh you can change it.

Moom

It’s only a blend of consonants and vowels??? This is why as an adopted person (and social worker) I do not look on the adopted section very often. I find that comment really upsetting ..... if you only knew how much more it is to some people.

Onlyoranges, I’m also an adoptee (as well as being an adopter and a former foster carer). Just shows that it’s horses for courses. The circumstances of my adoption are so far removed from the adoptions of my two children that it’s like comparing apples and pears. I do get frustrated that a lot of current theory is predicated on the experiences of people like us, who were born to fully functioning parents who simply fell foul of societal norms and were pressured to give up their babies so they could continue with their university education (in my case).

Contrast this with the experience of one of my children whose birth parents shook her 4-week-old sibling to death. Or the other child who spent the first week of her life withdrawing from heroin in the SCBU.

This is why I do not believe in the idea of one-trope-fits-all. It isn’t necessarily harmful to change the name of a child - like everything in the field of fostering and adoption, every case should be considered on its own merits. It’s not helpful to have a blanket philosophy of “thou shalt not change names”, when that policy leaves children and young people exposed to danger.

And I personally think it’s harmful to predicate ‘naming’ practice based on the experiences of adoptees, like you and I, who were (willingly or not willingly) relinquished decades ago - when the reality is that the thresholds for removing babies and children from their neglectful and abusive birth parents is now so high that the said children have suffered untold harm - and then it’s left to the adopters on the boards here, and elsewhere, to pick up the pieces.

So, in the words of my feisty eldest child, I’m sorry, but not sorry for offending you...

moominmammaatsea although the circumstances of your own children being taken into care sound dreadful, I think your views about how children should feel (or you think are likely to feel) nowadays are far too rigid and very simplistic. Bear in mind also that large numbers of children were being removed from families in the 70s, and onwards, so many adoptees reading this may have been removed rather than relinquished, and I can tell you for a fact that not all will have the predictable feelings you think they have.

Where the bio family is considered to not be capable of looking after the children this often (and probably in the majority) this means removed due to risk of future harm, learning disabilities, inadequate life skills, etc, and in such circumstances it is more than possible that children will have conflicted feelings and that names may be an issue.

Even for situations like those you have described where there has been serious neglect and abuse, children may have complicated or conflicted feelings.

In all honesty, I would be worried that a child would find it hard to talk about and get the support needed for conflicted and confused and complicated feelings with someone who has the very rigid views which you have at the moment.

Surely we should be allowed to experience some of the excitement and pleasure of becoming parents, no small part of which (judging by the busy-ness of the names boards here and elsewhere) is laying claim to our children by giving them a name of our choice? well no, I think in fact that there is almost total consensus that you need reasons which are for the benefit of the child. Otherwise changing the name may be an issue for the child. You are not laying claim, you are parenting a child...

italiangreyhound i think that if bio family contact adoptees and/or there are other issues around bio family then in fact you can and should contact psychologists and social workers and get them involved!! In relation to name changes generally, in some circumstances it is deemed in the child's best interest to change the name, and in those circumstances I would only add what I wrote upthread, which is that I think that where a name has had to be changed, treat it as a serious matter when explaining to a child why, don't minimise it, and be aware that feelings may change or be conflicted over the years, as it is a serious thing and may have an impact on adoptee's lives.

Oh my goodness, brightsunshine, I assume that you’ve had the balls to stick your head above the parapet and get yourself assessed as an adoptive parent? Thought not. Are you enjoying your Level 1 NVQ in Child Psychology.

I think that the fact that name changing always causes such a stooshie on this forum is a clear indication that its no small thing.
No one wants to put children at risk, however, I can also see how name changing contributes to long term feelings of shame and fear of rejection for some people. We all tend to see these issues through the lens of our own individual experiences, and it must be very difficult to predict how any adopted person is going to feel about it in later life. It would seem wise to be cautious about it.

By the way, did you read the bit where I said that I’m an adoptee myself? Do you now grant me the autonomy to think for myself and come to my own conclusions and feel my own feelings about my separation from my birth parents? Or am I less of an adoptee, and therefore, less of a voice, because my removal from my birth parents didn’t quite happen in accordance with section 21.3 in the basic child psychology book you have been swallowing? You’re so full of shit, that I’m beginning to think you must work for our local (totally discredited/laughingstock) CAMHS service. More’s the pity, I’ve probably met you in real life as I’ve been desperately seeking help for the lifelong serious mental health issues my eldest child is left with as a legacy of her experience in her disastrous birth family. And if you think that the most important thing to/for my daughter is the order of a bunch of consonants and vowels, then you must work for fuckety-fuckety-useless CAMHS. In which case, in true MN fashion, you can fuck off to the far side off fuckety-fuckton land.

And, by the way, I really fucking object to being patronised as both an adoptee and an adopter - so if you dont’t currently work for CAMHS, then I suggest it as a career opportunity for you. I think you’d be fantastic and efficient at patronising families who are totally on their knees managing the behaviours of children who were born addicted to drugs and alcohol, as well as experiencing severe neglect, chaos and domestic violence in the womb.

moom I’m not sure where you get the idea you and I are the same? My siblings and I were were removed from an abusive situation where there were no fully functioning adults in that house I can assure you!

moomin I am only really interested in raising awareness of things I have personal experience of. Firstly yes I validate your ability to think for yourself as an adoptee and adopter and in every other respect, me saying that there are things you may not be aware of/have got wrong is not being patronising. No, I wouldn't suggest camhs. I would suggest clinical psychologists who have expertise in relation developmental trauma - I have linked in other posts Beacon House for example. There is also a lot of really good stuff on the internet (ie peer reviewed research by psychologists/psychiatrists) - less than ideal to do the DIY but better than nothing.

I personally think that issues related to bio family are a huge part of problems faced by adoptees and it is an area not understood yet.

@brightsunshineatlast
You haven’t answered questions about your place in the adoption triangle. Do you have a professional interest in adoption?

I personally think that issues related to bio family are a huge part of problems faced by adoptees and it is an area not understood yet

Gosh, that’s news to me. And I’m sure it’s never occurred to any of the adoptive parents here either.

You’d think that there would be books or research into this, wouldn’t you ? Oh no, wait.........

Moominmammaatsea very clearly did not speak for all adopees. She clearly said horses for courses.

brightsunshineatlast 'complicated or conflicted feelings" do not trump actual danger or disruption. Equally not changing a name can be serious!

I think it is your views on names that are simplistic. Not everyone feels as attached to a name as others do.

"italiangreyhound i think that if bio family contact adoptees and/or there are other issues around bio family then in fact you can and should contact psychologists and social workers and get them involved."

I think that too, of course, but the reality is that social workers who pressure adopters to keep identifying birth names may be retired or even deceased when shit hits a fan.

Help is not always available

So adoptive parents must choose which is best or is least harmful, to change or not change a name.

We only removed our son's birth surname but we added one name. I will never know if I did right or not in keeping his first name.

I find your analysis of this very simplistic. I think people might ascribe issues to a name which are actually more about not being brought up by birth parents.

And we know that children can be very loyal even to abusive parents but as a society we reserve the right to remove children from abusive (including neglectful) parents.

Children may resent that removal and the name change may be part of that. But ultimately, as a society we choose how to handle these serious issues, sometimes life and death situations.

Offredalba where is your evidence name changing leads to shame? You've presented a potential as a fact.

Italian. I've been involved with adoption for many decades, but you don't need to read very far to find some adopted people who are unhappy about decisions that others have taken about their names. As in all aspects of adoption, there is a wide spectrum of views. Our family benefits from me listening to a range of views and that is why I follow this forum. Here is an example of an adoptee blog opining about her name.
www.declassifiedadoptee.com/2013/05/i-am-adopted-reunited-and-i-changed-my.html?m=1

I'm sure that you wont need to search very far to find more extreme and hurt expressions on this subject. I'm all for listening to what adopted people tell us about this and other matters. If a large enough number of them tell us that its an issue, then is it not sensible to listen to them just in case?

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/jul/08/whats-in-a-name-adopted-children

'An adopted child should never grow up ashamed of where it came from'

Tidy2018 that's so sad.

Offredalba I am not attempting to challenge the length of time you have been involved in adoption or that sometimes as you rightly say "some adopted people who are unhappy about decisions that others have taken about their names."

However you said in your earlier post "I can also see how name changing contributes to long term feelings of shame and fear of rejection for some people." Which suggests you think this is always the case, and I don't believe it is always the case, because people have come on here onto this very thread and said it is not the case for them.

'An adopted child should never grow up ashamed of where it came from' Have you found anyone on this thread or elsewhere on these boards who doesn't agree with that? No one these days believes adopted children should feel ashamed of where they come from. It may have been a vert horrible feature of adoption in the past but I've not encountered that idea now.