To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

After I read your first post, I instantly thought I'd absolutely take on my half sibling. However reading on further and how busy your dh is, how young your own family is, the issues and time taken up by your ds and the fact she could potentially need care for the rest of her life if she does have fas and how you are struggling. I'm not so sure. I think I'd feel I'd have to, to save face. It all sounds so difficult though and in reality no one knows what they would do unless they have been in this exact situation and been you. It's easy to say I would. But we aren't you.

Maybe shared care between you and your sister would be best if her dh would agree to that. I wouldn't think badly of anyone in your situation who said its just too much for us all as a family.

OK. This may go badly. But if a sibling came to me and said I'd abandoned them I would kindly inform them that they were never my responsibility and so I could never have abandoned them.
I would wish them well but make it clear that what happened to them was never of my doing and that I carry no blame.

OP.. you sound lovely but I think at your next Family meeting ... you should discuss letting the little one go onto Carers that can truly give her the focus and care she definitely needs.. You and your Sister are allowed to say No and be free from guilt...

Also op, my half sisters an adult now but her dad, my stepdad, has been sober for almost eight years now so there is hope.

@MrsRyanGosling15

Well done to recognising this and talking about it.

Yy to what others said about your DH. He isn't doing the child care and often isn't there. It makes it a much easier decision for him.

I understand all your worries and would support you if you were friend or family. My big concern is that your anger for your parents who are useless and irresponsible, is clouding the issue hugely. I would worry that if you didn't take your sister, some time down the line you would be torn up about it.

Can you have some counselling now about your parents - even without the issue of guardianship, it would be a good idea. This amount of neglect and poor parenting would damage anyone. I think it would bring some peace of mind and you may be able to let go of some of the hurt and anger - this does not mean forgive and forget. It is your emotional well-being that is important here.

Also, would it be possible to get her assessed for FAS so if she has it, the right support can be lined up whether you are looking after her or not.

My advice to you is to look after yourself and your feelings, get some peace of mine. Also, try to get her an assessment. Ensure SS are involved and understand it is not just a case of placing her with her sisters. That may not happen. Sit your adult sister down and have a serious talk. Is she prepared to adopt little sister? Could you share custody? Can she talk to her husband about the issue so she knows what she should be letting herself in for? Single parent or married?

Approach the FAS charity/society. They're must be one. Find out what her future may look like. My friend adopted a toddler with FAS. The early years were hard and he was difficult and very obviously different. He struggled with social situations. Now, as adopted children have much support and she is resolute and tenacious in getting that help, as a young teen he is a different child. But it was hard and she did have to fight.

Tbh I would not be able to see a sibling go into care unless I knew the foster parents and could be involved and keep and eye on them. That said, I have a child with multiple SN and it is all encompassing and exhausting. His sibling does not get enough attention and it shows.

I wish you were my friend IRL - I think with some support and help, you could see this situation more clearly and whatever decision that was made, you would be prepared and could accept it without crushing guilt and sadness.

AWARE THAT COMMENT ABOUT IRL FRIEND MADE ME SOUND SUPER-SAD. Hope you get the gist!

Get help and gather knowledge. With those you can make your decision and live with it.

Make sure SS don't just dismiss you. They need to understand that this is not an uncomplicated family adoption. Your would need help including financial.

With 4 dcs already I think you are stretched to breaking point, and another dc would be to much. You sibling is better placed to take her on, especially if she as said she is willing. Would her H really leave over it? I doubt it unless there are issues which suggest he has one foot out of the door already and is looking for an excuse. Only she can answer that one.

What is your preferred outcome? What do you think would be best for the child?

You may be able to foster her and claim allowances from Social Services. Thats something you could think about as well some type of shared care arrangement with your sibling.
If she cant be placed within the family Social Services would be looking at having a 2 year old adopted. What adopters agree to regarding contact and what they carry out post adoption are two different things.Thats something to think about as well.
If you cant give this child 100% or that between your sibling and yourself then let her go for adoption.
You have to do what you feel is the best for yourself and if you feel you cant do it for whatever reason then be honest with yourself and let her go.

@Penggwn it's not a matter or rising above one's own feelings. Do you feel bad a child is growing up without a blood related family> There are loads of children growing up in case because their birth parents cant look after them. Are general member of the public being guilted into adopting them?

I do hope not.

The best reason to care for a child is because you want to.

There may well be adopters excellently placed to care for this child.

@MrsRyanGosling15 "How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?" I am sure on some level you do want to have her, but the situation is difficult. Just because you have a big house doesn't mean you have extra help. You might be able to maintain contact and the adopters would not feel so threatened as you are not a birth parent but a sibling.

"Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose) "

please do get counselling for these feelings. The fact you feel so negatively about your shared parent means I would say you are really not ideally placed to care for this child.

I have a birth dd and an adopted son, feel free to pm me if you wish to.

I've not had time to read all the comments.... But...
"AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am?" No YADNBU and you are not selfish, this is a very tough situation and I think you need to be honest with social services about the chances of finding an adopter/adoptive family who may have more time to give this poor child.

And Taylor I'd say how the child perceives the sibling depends on how it's explained as they are growing up

@Skarossinkplunger

Could you link to that research please. Not goading. Am interested.

@hunting OP is just being honest about her feelings and just needs to vent. I think her point was that she was honestly worried that she might end up regretting a decision to take the child later.

I think it's safe to say many of us could harbour certain feelings when something changes our family dynamics. It doesn't mean it will be acted upon but the guilty thoughts alone could be enough to cause stress within relationships. Unfortunatley some (vile) people take on the role for whatever reason (im guessing financial) and make the child feel like shit .

It all sounds easy on the surface but having a child with potential lifelong difficulties is hard enough when its your own let alone taking a child on because of a guilty conscience. I have a very diffficult child whom my family adore but I suspect if I wasnt around they just wouldnt be able to cope with his lifelong needs and the behaviours he presents especially if theyve finished raising their kids and are needing to go back to work etc. Putting yourself first doesnt make you a bad person, but pitting yourself in difficult positions out of guilt and supposed obligation may have a negative affect on your own MH. Some people are great at accepting new challenges/some are not but its best to be honest with yourself from the start. How many here feel guilty about kids waiting in care homes but do you actually go and adopt them all? I know I would foster or adopt if I could but I have kids with difficulties & I'm struggling I'm sorry to say if I was in OPs position I would have to decline position of main gaurdian but I would definitely want regular contact and relationship with child.
It's a sad fact that not every child can live with blood family for many resons but there are many people out there who are more than willing to take on the roles of parent&carer. This 2 year old will be adjusting to a new and improved family life either way.

Exactly what I would do too Taylor.

There’s no way of knowing how the child will feel in the future. If they get the help they need and turn out as well rounded indevidual and happy, chances are they will hold no resentment towards the OP at all because they will understand.

Someone said up-page that kinship fostering is paid. If that is the case, could you use that money to buy in help?

Also, agree that FAS is not easy to diagnose. That is a myth.

Ask them to explain their reason for refusing to diagnose. That is not more acceptable than refusing to diagnose brain injury.

I think that it would not stand up to a formal challenge and anyone who floats the words "not labelling her" needs retraining. Could your husband put some pressure on the Dr? Sadly they may respond to him more than you.

No more

Not "not more"

I am sorry for the horrible situation you are in. I am afraid I have little advice but regarding finances I think some social services may offer a kinship carer allowance. It may not be much but could help.

Your DH wants to so if you choose not to his view of you may be clouded. I'd wonder if DH turned away a child and it would colour my view of him.

However you being resentful would likely lead to a miserable life for your child

Attention wise, with four they will be getting little attention anyway individually given the number so one more wouldn't make much difference. Likewise a normal car wouldn't fit four children so it wouldn't impact that much.

The decision is yours but you can't force your sister either. Both of your need to own the decision and be prepared to stand by it when the child is an adult. I couldn't turn my back and send them away so would move heaven and earth to keep them within the family. The child didn't ask to be born regardless of its parentage.

Don't be influenced by the hypocritical posts playing on Guilt OP..

given this situation in their own lives.. I'm sure the responses would be very different to what's being posted on here..

Afaik from when I nearly allowed myself to be forced into this kinship fostering is paid the bare minimum you don't get the enhanced payments you'd get if they weren't related. In our case it would have just about covered living costs.

Op please ignore these posters saying "what's one extra", it's a child not an extra slice of toast on your breakfast or an extra choccy biscuit ffs

You get financial help if you foster/adopted her, your children wouldn't be effected. You have to think. Would you prefer she end up lost in the foster care system. Not knowing how long she's staying at this abusive house or that over crowded children's home. That's a real possibility. Also your sister could support you massively with her if you ask, taking her some weekend or when you need it. Talk to your husband, you say he's supportive, health visitor, shrink, anyone that could help before you make your decision. I'm sure that little girl loves you if that makes a difference.

I think she will be better off in care with a family who can devote all their attention on her. You and your sister can provide respite care for her.

I have a children with additional needs and it is exhausting. Your children will suffer if you take her on. You will suffer and more importantly your sister will not get the care she deserves. Unless you're in a similar situation you can not understand how difficult it is to look after a child with additional needs. People posting what they would do are only posting from feelings not from reality of living with this child.

Would you prefer she end up lost in the foster care system. Not knowing how long she's staying at this abusive house or that over crowded children's home

Comments like this are just inappropriate.. IGNORE them OP

I really feel for you OP as you are in what seems to be a no win situation. As hard as taking her in would be, would the guilt of putting her in care be any easier? How would your DH feel about it if he loves her like one of his own?

Well done for articulating how you feel, rather than making excuses for yourself. Why not talk to your other sister and suggest that this little one is put up for adoption? I'm sure there are lots of loving families who would be more than grateful for a chance at parenting and your little sister would have a happy life with them. With you, she will sense your resentment and it will damage her even more than she is already, so for her sake, let her go to another family who actually want her.

Tell social services that you will not be able to cope and can't give her the life you'd want for her. Which is true.

Hope she finds a fantastic home and quickly.

Best wishes.