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Original poster

To not want to take 2yr old in?

711 replies

MrsRyanGosling15 · 07/01/2018 12:09

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how. Sad

OP posts:
Lovebehindthefool · 07/01/2018 15:04

I am an adoptive parent OP. I want to say well done for thinking it through properly and being totally honest with yourself about your feelings. Guilt is not a reason to take in a child. This child deserves a family that will love them unconditionally, without resentment. If you are unable to do this then it is not the best solution. This does not make you a terrible person, it is a difficult situation where honesty is important. Good luck!

Honeycombcrunch · 07/01/2018 15:07

Op, if your DH is so good with your LS is there any realistic chance he could go part time at work or cut his hours down to be more 'present' in the family? I know he's a surgeon but even one day a week when he's in sole charge of all the DC would give you a proper break.

You sound like an amazing person and your family are lucky to have you. Flowers

YellowMakesMeSmile · 07/01/2018 15:07

I don't think they are a Gemini, just truthful. The child will end up in care if neither of her siblings step up. What kind of care that is nobody knows and they won't have a say in it. The child could be moved from foster home to foster home.

Yes the OP and her sister had no choice in a sibling but they have choices now. They can take the child in or leave them to the mercy of the care system.

How many could hand on heart say that when the child turned up at eighteen with untold attachemeng issues etc that they made the right decision as they could still have holidays and didn't have to do dance classes or pay for school lunches as stated in the OP.

Lovebehindthefool · 07/01/2018 15:08

Just to add, this is not a simple case of taking in a sibling as some people suggest. If this child has been exposed to neglect and harmful substances it adds a massive layer of uncertainty and potential issues. There could be an adoptive family out there who could dedicate their life to this child, accepting any potential issues as they arise.

tinkertailorsoildersailor · 07/01/2018 15:08

I feel terribly sorry for this poor, neglected child. Who is looking after her. I would take her in in a heartbeat. But then I'm that kind of person. Especially if I had 6 bedrooms.

TheHolidayArmadillo · 07/01/2018 15:08

You get financial help if you foster/adopted her, your children wouldn't be effected.

OF COURSE the OP's children will be impacted by their young aunt moving in full time. The OP will have 4 children under 5 to care for, one with all of the attachment issues that foster children often come with, on top of the SEN relating to her FAS.

It's easy for her husband to be supportive when he's not the one doing all the grunt work of childcare.

Saying "Oh I could never see blood in the care system^ is HUGELY naive and ill-judged, and pays no attention to the huge amount of variables that will come into play in each family situation.

TheHolidayArmadillo · 07/01/2018 15:10

tinkertailorsoldiersailor

PM the OP then and set the wheels in motion then Hmm

x2boys · 07/01/2018 15:10

Are you are you really tinker tailor? Is its easy to say that when its not your reality isnt It?Hmm

HermioneAndMsJones · 07/01/2018 15:10

My mum ended up in a similar position.
Her dsis unexpectedly died and her DH Just crumbled (he was later diagnosed with schizophrenia - I have no idea whether this was known before my aunt death or not).
They had a daughter who was 12yo at the time. After a few months, she actually ASKED herself if someone cold take her in as she couldn’t cope with looking after her dad.
My mum was the obvious choice - stable relationhsip, the money etc... exceptbthat she was also the older sibling and Just could not face looking after a child/teen again.
So another sibling took her on and my parents provided all the financial support. They gave that sibling some money every month (she wasn’t well off financially) and made it clear to my cousin that they were always a phone call away.
After on, they also paid for her to go to Uni etc... later on.

Is that an organisation that could work for you? Your other sibling taking her on but you still being present to support. Maybe financially, maybe as emotional and practical support (Eg having her over one night a week??)

Pennypickle · 07/01/2018 15:10

The child needs unconditional love and deserves parents who will support her and always be there for her through childhood and adulthood.

Put the child first and allow her to have the best that life can give her - with her own adopted parents who will love and nurture her.

The last thing a child needs is to grow up surrounded by resentment and always feeling second best.

HannaSolo · 07/01/2018 15:11

Such a difficult time OP.

I think you first and foremost have a duty of care to your own children. If you believe (and from what's been posted I would agree) that taking in your half sibling full time would significantly reduce their quality of life and your ability to appropriately parent them then I think you have your answer.

Equally I think this child deserves the best care that can be given and that isn't automatically with family. It sounds like she will need a lot of hands on care and attention plus additional medical support. I think you a right to consider if you are equipped to provide this given your existing responsibilities and health issues.

It's not at all selfish or unkind to think very deeply and honestly about the realities of such a decision - the reverse is true.

All the posters tugging on heart strings are not the people who will be supporting you on threads 5/10 years down the line when you are at breaking point and your relationship with your DH and children have been strained to the limit. I doubt very much if they have really considered the impact of looking a after a small child with FAS plus 4 of your own.

I personally don't see how it's in your, your children's and half siblings interests to move forward with this notion. I can't see how it's not going to be anything but counter productive for everyone.

I think you need to have a realistic conversation with your sister and find a way forward.

You may feel able to provide care (respite) to your sister a few days a wee, which may in turn change her husbands position.

If not then you need to think about fostering or adoption. This little girl needs and deserve to be brought up by people who have the time, energy and focus to meet her needs.

Lovesagin · 07/01/2018 15:11

Yellow stop being disingenuous, you know it's about more than holidays etc.

I assume you adopt/foster?

tinkertailorsoildersailor · 07/01/2018 15:12

TheHolidayArmadillo. You misunderstood my post. I was saying if they were a half sibling, I would do it. Family. Blood is thicker than water. I couldn't take in every neglected 2 year old could I? And I don't (for the record) have a 6 bed house Hmm back.

isadoradancing123 · 07/01/2018 15:12

Taking her on if she was NT would be hard, taking her with special needs will be extremely challenging. Yanbu

shakeyourcaboose · 07/01/2018 15:14

All those indignant people lambasting the OP that could NEVER see a child in care, are you seeking to adopt, and take children out of the care system?

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 07/01/2018 15:15

The reality is most likely that this child will struggle to find an adoptive family, if she has FAS. She may well spend her entire childhood in care. It’s lovely to think there will be a family who can give her what the op can’t, but that’s not likely, very sadly.

Gemini69 · 07/01/2018 15:15

I don't think they are a Gemini, just truthful. The child will end up in care if neither of her siblings step up. What kind of care that is nobody knows and they won't have a say in it. The child could be moved from foster home to foster home

you're using sweeping generalisation .. and manipulation... to scare and guilt trip the OP into taking on a Child .... that's very inappropriate and unfair... Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 07/01/2018 15:15

Even if you wanted to take her in, SS might refuse, as you have a big family already, and might not be able to give what this little girl needs. Don't feel guilty, good on you for looking at the reality, and putting your own family first.

GarkandGookin · 07/01/2018 15:17

YANBU.
I work in a SEN setting and FAS is very complex and difficult to deal with. The child will need a lot of additional support. To people saying you should put your feelings aside and put the child first are missing the fact that FOUR other children will have to put her first as well. This is a horrible situation and I really feel for you and your sister who will have to deal with the aftermath of two very selfish people, and a child damaged for life by their selfishness.
You mentioned your sister's mother had a family. Are they in a position to take her? Or do they just prefer to criticise you?

peppapigwouldmakelovelyrashers · 07/01/2018 15:19

I feel terribly sorry for this poor, neglected child. Who is looking after her. I would take her in in a heartbeat. But then I'm that kind of person.

the kind of person who talks shit online to make a vulnerable person feel bad? The kind of person who doesn't understand what they are talking about? The kind of person who would probably be turned down to foster or adopt?

PinkyBlunder · 07/01/2018 15:19

Blood is thicker than water.

So much thicker that the surviving parent of this little girl, the OP and her DSis literally couldn’t give a shit and continues to behaving appallingly towards their children. Yes, that does include OP and her DSis even though they’re adults because the impact of their useless and neglectful parent would last a lifetime. There comes a time when enough us enough. How much more emotional pain would you take?

Blood is definitely not thicker than water when it comes down to situations like this.

Rudgie47 · 07/01/2018 15:19

She wouldnt end up lost in the foster care system, at 2 she would be adopted.

PinkyBlunder · 07/01/2018 15:19

Ugh apologies for appalling typos. Very fat fingers!

Lonesurvivor · 07/01/2018 15:21

Very convenient for the mother's family to blame you for her death and then have no contact with the child.

I'm sorry for saying I was confused about children's ages. I should've realised from your op you were trying to change a few things around in order not to be recognised
I wasn't questioning your ability to care for your sis after reading that thread, just commenting that I couldn't see anything wrong.

CoffeeOrSleep · 07/01/2018 15:21

OP - It's ok to say realise you can't cope with this. This isn't "just" adding a 5th child to your family, but one with complex needs and problems that means she won't just take 1/5 of your time and attention, but most of it. Moving her in will significantly lower the standard of living for your children. Their childhoods will be worse.

Having the phsyical space is not the same as the mental space.

It's not about love, it's about the level of care you can give, and it doesn't sound like you can do this.

Your other sibling will take her in, but her DH doesn't agree and might leave, that's not your problem to fix, and not your responsibilty to stop your sibling making the choice that may well end her marriage. If she's prepared to do this, perhaps she doesn't put much store by her marriage.

I would step back, tell SS you don't have the mental capacity to take on your young sibling perminately. That you will help out your older sibling and offer respite for some weekends/holidays, but can't commit to long term care. (be very careful you don't end up sacrificing all your family time, you can't do every weekend, or every school holiday. Your other children already have 3 people they share you with, they need some time)