To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

Blue I’m so glad someone has com forward and offered this child a home. Do message op and get the details and then enjoy looking after a disabled person for the rest of your life.

Go on then. Fucking do it. You’re so sure OP should do it, YOU fucking do it.

You must do what is right for you and your own immediate family, OP. It seems you have already tried to help greatly and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I kind of understand op. A while ago, my dps nephew, 6, was to be without both his parents. He came home and announced that we were going to have him, and that was that.
Except I wanted more children, to go p/t at some point, retrain......i saw all that slipping away and knew I'd resent him until the day he moved out.......plus.......I just knew I couldn't do it, made worse by the fact that my dbrohas always said if we need to, our DC will always have a home there made me feel ashamed that I couldn't be like him. But I couldn't, and I didn't want to. Slightly different as well I felt because there was other family who could take dn in, whereas my dbro is my only family.

It's not like taking a dog in, this is a child who needs stability, and the family who have him need to be on board 1000% otherwise it just won't work. Emotional feelings need to be put aside as practicalities are what's needed. You can't do it, for whatever reason, you can't do it. That's nothing to feel ashamed about.

Love to you all op.

Placemarking - would like to read thread properly.

greatduck I'll second that.

I don't see anything in the op thread from this time last year that indicates if she were willing to care for the child she wouldn't be a good candidate
The only thing I'm confused about after reading is the ages of her own children now.

It really does all sound so very difficult for you and I agree with others that you are brave and quite right to articulate your reservations. I'm making some assumptions here that you are just protecting what might happen but you are perhaps part of an assessment process with Social Services to determine next steps. If not then I would absolutely start getting them involved early doors. Just in case can I add that you should enquire about fostering your sister rather than just taking her in. This would very much ease the financial burden. Even if you go down the adoption route - I'm not sure that you would have to - there is an adoption allowance. I'm reading though that money isn't the only reservation that you have and I can totally get that. There is no reason though even if your sister went into other foster care and then adoption that you could not ask to continue to be part of her life. We've adopted and we keep in touch with appropriate members of my daughter's family. It can happen if it's in the best interest of the child. It helps keep her grounded etc. She is only six and we've had to address already why she is with us but she loves us so it isn't that she feels unwanted. She knows that she is very wanted. We have adopted her half brother too and I'm honestly not sure that they could have coped in the a big family. What I'm trying to say perhaps clumsily is that your sister may need to be somewhere else where she can get the attention and time she needs too so it's about all the adults working out what is right for everyone. It's good that you are questioning whether it is with you.

So it’s okay for your sister to refuse to take her for the sake of her marriage, but not you? For the sake of your own mental health?

You already have 4 kids, your sister has less. She can give your little sister much more attention and 1-1 care than you can?

I think you need to be honest with whoever is expecting you to have her (your sister, the girl’s other parent etc) about how you feel.

The financial obligation, her disability and potential specialist care, the chaos of having FIVE children in the house, the impact on your children growing up etc. I don’t think it’s fair that it’s being pushed on you to take her. Obviously you’ll always be part of her life and want to help and care for her, but it’s a massive jump to be her full time guardian

Sorry but you need to do this. Its not the child’s fault.

Not rft but wanted to give a little advice if you did decide to take her (which will be a massive commitment, particularly if she has fasd and attachment issues). The LA may ask you to apply privately for an SGO. I would insist an SGO was made as part of care proceedings. If she comes to you on an interim care order (looked after by the LA) and then it becomes an SGO, then the LA have a duty to support you, pay you an allowance, you can access the adoption support fund for therapy, she will be eligible under the leaving care act for support when older.
If you apply privately for an SGO and she is never looked after, then you are entitled to nothing.
You will not be told this by the LA.

The surviving parent needs an absolute bollocking about their addiction issues - they need to know that if they relapse, their daughter may end up being fostered or adopted outside of the family and that it’s unfair to assume that her adult siblings will take her. Yes the adult siblings care about her, but so should her parent? Why can’t her parent get help for their mental health problems as a priority for their daughter’s sake? It’s an incredibly stressful situation for all involved

You know you have all genuinely lifted my heart slightly. I physically felt the weight of this on me when I posted but I just feel a bit lighter now.

I think going forward we will continue with the care we provide at the min. We will have a sit down with my sis/dh and speak honestly. Even if they had her during the week it would still be me as they start work at 7am so I do childcare for them until about 5pm and their son will go to the same school as all mine so it will be me doing homeworks and dinner etc but I could cope with that knowing I would only have mine to bath and put to bed etc. I'm starting to think maybe I'm not this horrible monster I thought I was.

Can people not realise that children who go into care already have problems, and in spite of good foster care or adoption this impacts on adult life. No one goes into care unscathed.
Until parent becomes unable to care permanent full time options do not arise. Presume the parent will have some say and extended family be assessed.
A loving long term foster parent may be a good option. This little girl is already troubled, the question is how to minimise further damage and support her. She probably is adoptable but may be hard to place. Could extended family care foster with a view to adopting, or short term while adoptive family can be found?
Op is doing a great job, keep thinking and discussing, but concentrate on the help you are giving now which will last forever, whatever the eventual outcome.

Taylor22 - the OP has said that there is no question of her allowing her little sister to go into care. So, yes, I think her other sister should contribute in some way, either monetarily or by providing care or in any other way. It's not a stranger's child, it's their own sister.

This doesn't mean that OP and her sister necessarily have to take the child into their homes. It does mean that the right thing to do is to make sure that the child is OK and in a good home where she is loved and taken care of, whatever form that might take.

No, op doesn't need to do this. Op needs to think about everything not just the emotional part.

We never did take dn in full time thankfully, but we have him quite a lot and its.......tough

And no, you're not a monster at all, OP. You're trying to do the right thing in a way that works for everyone. Becoming a martyr is not helpful in any way.

You're not even close to being a monster op. Far from it.

First of all, you seem like a really lovely family and your little sisters is lucky to have you. I think in all honesty you would be able to provide her a better life with a stand family, but you can only do this if you and your family are healthy and ok. If it’s going to cause trouble for you, dh or any of your dc then don’t take her in. If it’s something you can deal with then go for it, you have a house with a school near by and I think stability would be best for her as a lot is going on for her at the minute.

This is a massive decision but you have to do what’s right for your family first as they’re your main priorities.

@DistanceCall I know that if I was the sister and asked for money I would say no.

It's not the child's fault but it sure as hell isn't the sisters either. Or her children. She works to provide for her family.

Sharing DNA does not make an obligation. Where does it stop? Nephew? Third cousin?

Oh gosh OP you’re nowhere near being a monster. That would be the surviving parent that is willing to let this happen to ALL of their kids!

I wish you all the luck in the world whatever you decide

And to the people talking about my thread from last year. I posted that literally less than 24hrs after finding out my parent who I was having a better relationship than I had had in a long time had fallen of the wagon in bloody spectacular style. I changed the kids ages in that thread and was in fact pregnant with number 4. Juat didnt want to put all facts in. I posted looking practical support as she was very different behaviours wise and I had no idea what to do. I had also never had to report someone to social services before And had no idea what to do. And I got that help I needed. I stopped posting as the mother was found dead a day later and I was just completly broken. The mother's family blame me for her death. They said because I found out and took my sis and rang social services that that is the reason that she died. I know thats bullshit but being called a 'murderer' at your sisters mother's funeral does kind of sting a little. Hence they have no contact at all.

I know that if I was the sister and asked for money I would say no.

Well, perhaps you would be able to contribute in another way, like help to find a suitable family.

And yes, I would say sharing a parent does create a certain tie, particularly when the person in question is a helpless child who can't be blamed for anything.

Of course, you would be entitled to say do absolutely nothing. But let's be clear that you would be abandoning this child. And the child would know, once she grew up.

you don't have to of course and no i don't think that makes you a bad person.

that aside, practically speaking, i think you would qualify for some form of financial assistance. i only think this because i saw a programme once about a woman who cared for her daughters child and received some kind of benefit for keeping her out of foster care.

OP, if I was in your situation and felt the way I did I would be trying to talk the remaining parent into thinking about looking to put her for third party adoption outside the family straight away. I believe there are ways this can be done now so it involves contact with the birth family when they are stable and support the adoption.

It would be best to do this as soon as possible to increase her chances of success.

Sparkly I know exactly where you're coming from. My husband and I never wanted children, but took my nephews and niece in, then a friend of one of the boys. We had our life planned out, but ended up working our fingers to the bone and now I'm a widow, that regrets all the opportunities my husband and I had to turn down. Don't get me wrong, I adore them and wouldn't be without them.

I know some parents get a case of the 'what ifs', but the difference is, they made the decision to have children. I sound bitter and I am. I'm bitter at the children's scumy parents that wrecked their children's childhoods and left us to pick up the pieces.

Those children have become wonderful young adults and I know that's due to us I'm not going to be bashful or modest about that. But fuck it's really hard dealing, even now, with children who feel abandoned. There was no way my husband and I could have abandoned them too.

If that sounds jumbled, that's because you end up jumbled between dealing with damaged children, while protecting them from their fucked up parents.

You're going to need help, OP, no matter what decision you make. Please try to get it. That may mean family counselling, as your whole family will be affected by your final decision. You'd be best looking for it now, rather than waiting for the parent to die. Good luck for the future, no matter what you decide.

Yanbu you are not able to take her on, it will cause you stress and issues, it will place stress in your children, that's fine. You are fine to say no, it's actually better you do that, than to take her in when your not fully into it.