To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

I feel so sorry for all of you, you, your sister, and your tiny half sister.

It's a hell of a responsibility to take on.

I have a friend who adores kids. So much so, she has several of her own, but when the last one went to school, she and her DH decided to long-term foster. They were offered a beautiful little baby, who, coincidentally, another friend of mine had had from birth as a short term foster carer.
The birth mother had Issues - MH, her own mother had been a substance abuser, and so was she. Baby was born addicted.

Child is now 2.5 and is an absolute disaster zone. Can't help it - child is being assessed for all sorts of issues, some related to substance abuse in utero, others related to neurodiversity (possibly because of substance abuse, possibly inherited). This child now completely dictates everything that happens in that household, and my friend, who is utterly lovely, is almost at the end of her tether. She has been so close recently to taking the child back and saying "I just can't do this any more".

Long term fostering in Australia is almost as good as adoption (very difficult to adopt here because of history) so this would be a pretty major step, and it shows the extremes to which this child has driven them that she would even consider that.

Friend's next youngest children are all at school so get respite then - but when they're home, they hide in their rooms to stay safe from the foster child.
Child is still loved and cared for, very well, but they're finding it very challenging indeed. Even people the child likes get attacked and bitten, pinched, scratched - my DS2 has, and so have I.

They're hoping desperately to get any level of diagnosis in place so that they can start accessing specialist help for this child - they still love the child and want to do their best for the child but without destroying the rest of the family.

I think if you can do shared care with your sister, it would be one way to reduce the effects on your own children - and your little sister would feel that she had more family to love and care for her.

it would make you a bad person to turn down helping someone in need. are you for real?! Of course it wouldn’t make her a bad person!! The bad person is the one that created this situation and expects others to deal with it. And there is nothing, I repeat NOTHING wrong with distancing yourself from toxic people and protecting that distance thus protecting yourself and the ones you love. Nothing. No one matters less, including the OP!

I don’t think YABU. I am also not a natural at parenting and find it very hard going. While I would want to take the child in this situation, I know it wouldn’t be fair on them, or my existing DC. And heck, it wouldn’t be fair on me because despite what several posters seem to think, my mental health matters too.

To be honest the.money isnt really an issue. All would get less but they would all still get. I would worry about uni fees etc. Her parent would not ever let her be adopted now. It is urgent in the sense that he could start drinking tomorrow and then we would need to deal with it then. Or he could surprise us and stay sober for the next couple of years. She is a different child to the one I first took in and I do think alot of that is down to the help we gave and her just being in our family. If we have got her this far in a year I think imagine how far she would come if we had her full time.

We moved in the last year with the thought of needing an extra room for her. Have also stayed in catchment of a school that has a really good provision for children with additional needs as well as regular classes. So we are putting long term plans in place. It's just mornings like this that make me doubt everything.

My DH is hanging together at the min. We have her now and he got home at 2am but is back in already. Hopefully home about 4pm. I just feel like I'm drowning in responsibly. God I would love to be 17 again!

My son has special needs and its hard going I love him to bits but it's not something I would have chosen and its hard on My older son too I think it's hard enough as a parent .

Kinship fostering is paid - the child would remain a LA child but in the care of extended family.

LA children also get free university education.

If you are going to take her in (and it sounds like you are), I really think you should get financial arrangements for her care and education in place. Even if money is not a problem, your sister should contribute significantly.

Really, get support, both from family and from professionals. You shouldn't do this on your own.

Can you and your sister share the burden? Half a week each? Half of school holidays? It works with parents who are split, so why not sisters?

I just want to say that you should think of yourself as a strong person. To identify your needs and the needs of your children, and to say 'I don't want this' is a strong trait, it is not a weakness.

IMO if you were to take her in, feeling the way you do, would you grow to resent her? Resent the time you are missing with your own children or resenting the activities etc that may not be possible (not just financially but time constraints)., resent the time that may have to be spent with hospital appointments etc.

It is a very sad situation, but would she be in a better situation if she was then adopted? Into a family who are desperate for a child and could give her that 100% 1:1 attention that she needs to thrive?

I'm sorry you are so upset. It is heartbreaking reading your posts.

IF you decide taking on this child is an option, get some advice from specialists as to the relationship and financials. A friend if mine took in her 3 DGC a few years back now. The first she got nothing for, the second she got wise - she insisted DGC was made a 'Ward of court' - I think this was the term - she then got allowances similar to adoption... I don't know the ins and outs of this hence saying get specialist advice - don't rely on SS to tell you, they will look for the cheapest option for them.

As to whether you emotionally take her on, it sounds as though you have time, see where it goes. But if the current situation is too much for you CHANGE IT for the sake of all involved!

You are not a horrible selfish person.

I repeat, you are not a horrible selfish person.

You sound very kind, caring & realistic. Don't be so hard on yourelf.

I had briefly thought of shared care when this all happened but just completky ruled it out as I felt a child with the needs she may have would need 100% stability. If I knew we had her during the week and my sister had her for the weekend that would help alot. It's just scary looking to the future. Children are forever and that's a long time.

Another saying you are very strong - it’s not easy caring for someone else let alone 5 kids, including 3 under 3. It’s not an easy route by any means but sometimes that’s life.

Would a nanny be a possibility? Someone who is able to provide more specialised care and help you with all the children?

she's 2

I think its clear that you do love your sister and but resentful of have a situation forced on you.

Myself and my brother were abadoned by our father emotionally and financially but when he had a delibtating stroke it was us left to caring for him and we split 'custody' 50/50 for 2 years whilst fighting adult social services for support. I just want you to know thats ok to be resentful but in 20 years time when you look back at this if you dont do anything how will you feel? There's right or wrong here unfortunately but i do hope you get the support from social services that you need.

There's no right or wrong here that should read.

So so sorry for you, what a horrible situation to be in and completely understand how you feel utterly betrayed by your parents. And you are being very honest about a long term situation, and considering what you are taking on, which is a good and responsible thing to do rather than just pretending to go along with it. There are some suggestions here about sharing care for the child with your other sibling. Is there any professonal help that you could find, even calling Samaritans as this is not just about adopting but about the issues you yourself have had to deal with. Perhaps there may be some funding to help, which would eliminate some of the difficulities, perhaps something could be worked out with your sibling - she takes a share/turn with holidays etc. Finding some professional people to talk to would open up information and perhaps some support. Very very difficult decision for you and I wish you all the best x

Very, very difficult OP. My heart goes out to you.

And the money is the least of it really. It's more about the mental and emotional support you'd need to give your own DC plus a child with complex needs. You are best placed to understand your limitations and you don't do anyone any favours by stretching yourself beyond what you're able to give. Your own mental health matters a lot.

I don't know much about the care process, but if she does get placed in care are you able to stay involved in her life in some way?

For my friend, respite care comes very rarely but is hugely appreciated by her and her family when they can get it - it allows them all to reset and recharge and start again with a reduced stress load.

It's worth considering, even if you sister did only have her a small part of the time.

You would need to work out a fair split though - when the little girl goes to school, for e.g., your sister might consider it unfair for her to have her all weekend, when they'd be with her the whole time; while you'd only have her before and after school. Maybe every other weekend, and the odd week here and there, would be better? Or a straight 50:50 split.

As someone has already said, split parents manage this ok without reducing stability too much, so long as the child is loved equally in both homes, so it shouldn't be too different if you were to share with your sister.

Even if money is not a problem, your sister should contribute significantly.

Can people stop saying what her sister should do.
Her sister is not financially, emotionally, legally or morally obligated to do anything.
She did not relate this child and she has other responsibilities that may come first.

Do not make OP damage the relationship with her sister by making demands she has no right to make.

OP.. you must be honest with your Husband and Social Services... you MUST... they will place the Child with someone who genuinely wants to care for her.. please... do not take this Child out of Guilt.. that is no Recipe for a happy ending.... Please consider the best interests of the Child.. she will be placed within a Home that can accommodate her Needs one on one.. which is something you cannot possibly do...

Please.. be honest.. and let the Child be placed with the people who will have her best interests as priority...

You should not feel Guilty.... ever

OP you sound lovely.

It would be totally irresponsible to take on this type of commitment without considering all the implications. So that when you decide you will, and it sounds as if that is your decision, you do it properly.

Balanced against the cost (financial, emotional etc) of providing for another child, is there not a benefit of your DC not losing a child they know well from their lives.

Your own DC and yourself come first OP. It sounds like you have her part time at the moment, which is going over and above having 4 DC yourself, but how will your DC cope full time with potentially no respite if your sibling can't/won't help out? SN can be manageable when the affected DC is young but can be all consuming and extremely stressful as they get older. Could you cope with an SN teen in 12 years when your own DC may have flown the nest? I have one and I am at near breaking point most days!

She is your sister yes and if you didn't have your plate piled high already then it may be selfish not to at least try but that's not the case here. You are doing a lot even now while coping with the fallout of losing your mother which must bring painful and conflicted emotions.

You are pretty amazing already IMO.

Be the little girls advocate to try to get her the best outcome and do all you can for her but don't feel guilty about not being able to give up the next 16 years plus for her.