To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

OP, having caught up with your most recent posts, I apologise if I've sounded critical,. I'm not in your shoes and if I was my opinion might well be different. Nobody makes this kind of decision lightly and I can see that you are not.

You are caught between a rock and a hard place.
If you were a friend in my real life I'd support whatever decision
you make. I really feel for you.

Thank you vodka

It's totally your decision and as I've said no decision is wrong. Just to point out one thing though which can't be underestimated.

The worst time in my life was when my dc were small, when I had a toddler and a young baby. Life was difficult. I was teary, exhausted and it was bloody hard work. That was without the mental strain you are under and practically it was 2 not 4/5 kids. You are at the hardest point of your life right now. Things will only get easier as they grow up.

Take this into account when making your decision. If you let her go for adoption, will you look back and think everything would have been fine now after the initial couple of years struggle? Maybe your dsis could help practically In the short term with all the children, with a long term view of things getting easier? Maybe there is short term practical help from SS or financial help so that you can buy in practical help whilst all the children are so young?

But again I reiterate that you might still find this too much and you shouldn't take on more than you think you can cope with. Look what is best for her long term.

So sorry for this horrific situation.

I have. 4 year old and 2 year old with SEN.

On a practical level, funding is available for 2 year olds with SEN to attend nursery - if you can get her assessed a specialist nursery could offer her a place.

well i think you're incredible, mrsryangosling. and sorry for your loss.

have you talked to your dsis about shared care yet?

SS answer when he was struggling was to keep upping her hours in daycare. She is not there from 8am to 6pm mom to Friday which I feel so bad about when she in theory has a parent at home. So he really just needs to put her to bed and we have her at weekends a day he can't even do that. I can't bring her when I have her though as it's too far away and I have 2 other school runs to do. I also mind my nephew 2 days a week until 6.30pm as my sis and dh work full time. From Sept will have him before and after school everyday as hopefully he will go with my 3 year old to the same nursery. How does 1 person be in all those places with 6 children some days? My childminder friend pointed out I would technically be over my numbers lol
When her mum 1st died we asked SS about moving her to a daycare closer to us but they said the available places were too expensive and not on the list of providers they use.

Does she definitely have FAS ? Was she tested at birth ? My friends grand children were ( drug addict mother) , how they escaped with not having it is a miracle tbh. Maybe they can't do it with alcohol though and you just have to wait and see. Would it make a difference if she doesn't have it ? Although 5 young children is still a lot to cope with and I can understand it still being too much for you .

It's heartening to hear about the fantastic adoption and fostering stories.

"Too have a 2 year old child, they must have had you very young, are there not Grandparents around who can help?"

OP states that the child is her HALF sibling i.e. does not have to have been born within one woman's reproductive life. It's likely they share a father, but not a mother as men can have children later.

Still, I'd have to give it a shot, even knowing that it might fail. I might fail.

I think that's an rather blasé attitude. It's easy to say you might fail but the OP is absolutely rightly thinking through the consequences of what that failure might be for all the children involved. If she and her DH aren't able to meet the needs of five children, one with likely significant special needs and four who are very young.

The OP's sister has already had an incredibly tough start in life, is likely permanently harmed by her mother's drinking during pregnancy and likely to be an orphan at a very young age. Is it really in her best interests for the OP to "give it a shot" out of sentimentality but knowing that no matter how much she wants to she may never be able to meet her needs or might have to neglect her own children to do so?

Other posters with experience of looking after children with similar needs have said that it's really difficult to juggle with the needs of even one other child and that there would likely be an advantage to her being the only child in a family so she could have all the available support.

It's not an easy choice. There would be advantages of staying with her family who she clearly loves and feels safe and at home with. The OP clearly loves her sister and has done a great job of articulating why the decision is so difficult.

@MrsRyanGosling15 You've had much better advice from people who know more than me here but I just wanted to say I think you've done an amazing job so far. IF you were to decide you couldn't keep your sister permanently I'd hope that her life story would include the love and support you've given her so far and that she'd grow understanding that her birth family had loved her.

I think my instinct would be to take it one day at a time at the moment, if she's back with you full time now, that's giving you a window into what that would be like long term and whether your family can thrive like this. I hope you are able to make the right choices and again, regardless of what that ends up being I think you're doing amazingly under hideously difficult circumstances.

Personally.. I lost my brother and any sibling situation now I urge people to make amends. They're still family. Admittedly you can't under some circumstances but it isn't your siblings fault for the situation she's in...
Whilst you have your own set of problems, worries and concerns, financial situations can be temporary and if you do it through adoption/fostering you can get some help towards her costs. Reality is, she would be better off with you than in a care home but I can't make this decision for you. It's up to you.

OP, having caught up with your most recent posts, I apologise if I've sounded critical,. I'm not in your shoes and if I was my opinion might well be different. Nobody makes this kind of decision lightly and I can see that you are not.

Ack, I hadn't refreshed and cross-posted, I'm sorry, I see that we're now on the same page.

OP, just read the thread. Couldn't before as my 11 month old is using me as a climbing frame.
I really hope something works out for you all. I apologise. I'm going off my grief in my previous post.

Whilst I've never been in this position, follow your gut feeling. If you feel you can't, don't.

Dear Mrs RG - you are in a very difficult situation but you will have to think what help you want from services and if it exists in the form that you want it. Adult care is very difficult indeed and as you have discovered you have to prevent things being assessed one way to access services. I am assuming your little sister already has an allocated SW? If not then you and your other sis are doing too much alas, so that no one sees the needs. Children's social care are equally stretched and from what you say about you and your sister if they are involved they will have assessed it that your little sister is a lot safer than most of the children they are monitoring as you are both stepping in and intervening to prevent harm. However with that brings other challenges - children's social care wont take the lead as the family have done it first. This isn't just a strategy as some may think but its about legal powers. If social care had arrived at the home and made the decision to remove your little sis then they would have had to do so either with a voluntary agreement with your dad (and unlikely he would have been competent enough to agree to that) or it would have had to be with a court order. You as family ironically have more power to intervene because you have a relationship with yr dad and are kin to your little sister.

Obviously the situation is untenable longer term from what you say so you are going to have to come up with some sort of family plan. The first advice from social care will be that you apply for a private law order so she can stay with one of you. The reason they will say this is because you are a intelligent couple with proven capacity to parent (that in no way means its fair by the way - none of this is fair), but the state does want to know that families have been given the right to self determination over state intervention. That doesn't have to be a long drawn out affair - just a conversation and a yes or no. Then the state can start to draw up plans and formally make court applications - please be aware that which ever route you take (private law or children's social care) neither are trouble free. She could stay with you on an interim basis whilst plans are made but from what you have already said you are going to find this very emotionally hard let alone practically hard as you are worried about how to meet everyone's needs. Her needs require thorough assessment though ie has she a diagnosis of FAS or just a suspicion - getting things diagnosed formally takes time. I would recommend you to speak to organisations outside of social care for advice such as www.frg.org.uk/
at least you can get some independent ideas as you go along. There is no crystal ball to this, it is rare to look down one route and know it is the one that is best given what has already gone wrong. So the best thing you can try to do is build in time as you consider different options before making any final decisions. Crisis always seem to hit at big holiday periods have you tried to get an emergency GP out for your dad I know that will be very hard but I absolutely feel for you trying to manage both family members. Good luck to you and your adult sister this family is lucky to have you both.

OP you are an amazing person, truly.

oddcat she 100% has it. I flagged it with SS and the health visitor the min she came home from hospital. Now as she grows it is so obvious. If you goole it and look at images of all the facial features it is like looking at her, honestly. There are such list of things I could say to describe how she is developmentally and her behaviour but I can't write them down because it's like listing bad things about her and they really are. It's just her. All professionals involved love their 'wait and see' approach. It was really like they were so concerned with not offending her parents by suggesting she could have it that they just never mentioned it. Also the ignorance of some so called professionals is astounding. I feel by ignoring it and not talking about the elephant in the room is doing her a big disservice. How is she to access any help and support for a condition like this without a diagnosis. By them not saying it out loud isn't going to change the fact that she has it.

You sound amazing! Can't believe that you are expected to handle this without any proper support, it's awful

I posted earlier here under a different name.
I am so sorry for your situation and you have very difficult decisions to make. I can’t possibly tell you what to do but can only talk about my situation as a kinship carer of a child with FAS and hope it helps a little bit.
Firstly social services position to the child will determine how much support you get. If she is a Looked After Child they will have parental responsibility for her. Otherwise it is entirely likely your care of her will be considered a ‘private arrangement’ and they will have no responsibility for her.
This is important not merely for financial reasons but because a LAC is able to access support which others cannot. As I said previously talk to other Kinship foster carers on the fb group about this. In my experience a large percentage of children in kinship care have FAS.
A CAO, formerly a residence order, will give you parental responsibility but that will be shared with either SS or birth parent. If SS share parental responsibility it will not stop you accessing their support.
An SGO can do so as it gives full parental responsibility. Kinship carers are often encouraged by SS to get one, support, financial and otherwise, is promised but frequently dwindles to nothing.
We found we had to emotionally disengage from the birth parent, a close relative, as we found it impossible emotionally to support both them and their child. This took a long time and caused a lot of worry and guilt.
I have more children than you have. They were adults when we became kinship carers. Bringing them up was a breeze compared with bringing up one damaged child, who has been with us from the age of one.
I do not believe I could have, or should have, done it if I had other children to consider.
FAS in our child’s case has caused ADHD, similar problems to autism, and SEN. They also have attachment disorder.
So extreme hyperactive behaviour to the point of being destructive, food refusal and eating a very restrictive diet, meltdowns, loud and disruptive behaviour when feeling they are not getting enough attention, fears and phobias which affect their life, little awareness of danger, problems concentrating at school and SEN.
Of course there are positives but this is what we had to deal with.
Now aged 12 bringing them up is still full on, full time. Everything has to revolve about the child’s needs. Not to mention that prepubescence is bringing forth a whole new set of problems. It certainly affects our relationship and that is without the added stress of other children to consider.
Our arrangement is considered private. I fought for many years for SS support and involvement without success. This is not an unusual situation.
We got a paediatrician’s diagnosis at the age of three. This made it possible to get an EHCP and 1:1 support at school which is still ongoing. But we have had to fight for all the support we have received.
We hope that our child will be able to live independently eventually. At one stage this would have seemed impossible.
I really feel for you. You have so many people to consider beside yourself. No decision can be necessarily right for everyone. I think you can do is make a decision that you feel works out for most people, including yourself of course, without being emotionally pressured. Of course, as I am sure you are aware, a 2 year old is much easier to place for adoption or long term fostering, so time really isn’t on your side.
SS, again in my experience, will push for kinship care because it is a cheap option for them. Much cheaper than paying for foster care. With your NHS involvement you must realise how financially stretched they are and this obviously affects decision making.
I am happy for you to PM me if I can help in any way but the Kinship foster carers group will be an excellent resource for you. It has saved my sanity many times in being able to speak honestly to others in the same situation, many who know much more than I do.
Family Rights Group also has a website and helpline and give excellent advice to people in your situation.
I hope I don’t sound too negative. Our child is loved, has as much support as we can give them and find for them but I cannot deny how hard it can be.

No real words of wisdom, just wanting to offer support and sympathy in what is a terrible situation for all involved.

It's so sad , and I can understand your dilemma, I've seen the devastation my friend has gone through with her grandchildren and daughter. It seems to depend on what area you live in , my friend has had quite a bit of help from SS , although some individuals have been shockingly awful.

I think you are right to be hesitant, and I agree that to 'give this a shot' is not a good idea' , people get slated on here for getting a puppy without thinking it through , let alone taking on a child with additional needs.

OP . I’ve no advice but really hope things work out one way way or another.

BTW do you think it might be an idea to move this thread somewhere away from AIBU? I’m not sure if you have changed details or not but it’s got lots of identifiable info in it, although maybe you don’t mind.

Hi. Our daughter received her FASD diagnosis at either 3 or 4 . Being a member of a couple of FAS related groups, this is quite unusual. But it has made a world of difference when dealing with the various authorities, school and HCP.

So many other families struggle to get this diagnosis though so it's another time consuming fight. In addition to all the other family stuff, you would need to be an advocate for her and fight to get extra support etc.

FWiW, I think you and your husband are doing a great job in exceptionally difficult circumstances.

With adoption, contact is family is important and as I said previously, our son is having contact with his sibling.

Look after yourselves

I haven’t rtft. OP, you have done a lot, and what you are describing is trying to make the right decision in everyone’s best interests - the care your sibling needs is more than you have available, and due to your parents your emotional attachment to her will not be able to be the best. You can still be a good sibling, but you don’t have to be Mum. Take care.

I should add that our contact is not a formal agreement although we do have one but both us and his adopted family think it's a good thing and we all get on

Just read a post saying you should push for her to have a long term foster placements

Please don’t do that. Foster carers are great but there is no stability there for her. No garuntee she will stay there till 18. They could hand in their notice in 6 months and she’d be moved. A life of placement changes and upheaval is not great.

I know op you’ve said she deserves someone who can give her 95% but unless she is adopted there’s nobody out there who can do that. I’m not saying you have to take her in, especially if you feel you can’t manage it. But I disagree with anyone who says a life in care is better for that child than a life with you. And I say this as a social worker who works with looked after children.

I have no advice for you OP, but I just wanted to say you are amazing and strong, even though you may not think so.

You have to do what's best for you and yours, and yes, you need to consider your needs, as you are the linchpin that holds your family together. What happens if you break?